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Author Topic: Bad, bad week  (Read 483 times)
WitzEndWife
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« on: December 01, 2017, 10:16:42 AM »

So, uBPDH has been struggling emotionally lately, undergoing a ton of pressure from his real estate office to perform. He stayed home two days this week from training, moping around the house. He had an interview with another realtor agency yesterday afternoon, and that seemed to liven his spirits a bit, but then he made a mistake with the dogs that caused me to take my old dog to the emergency room last night. We have a new rescue and my older dog is food aggressive, and he decided to prep food for them while they were together, and my dog lashed out and caused a fight. He felt horrible about it.

Today he went into the office, but he was fairly unkempt, not wearing his suit as usual. His supervisor there set an appointment with him today, and he thought it might be to cut him loose from the agency. He just called me to tell me that he was planning to quit before he got fired, because he couldn't handle getting "burned" by someone today.

I've been through such an emotional roller coaster, between the dog, and him quitting. I worry that this is an excuse for him to just quit working altogether. I'm sitting here at work and I just want to cry. I feel so depressed and shaken.

This is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week.
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"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. All is riddle, and the key to a riddle is another riddle." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Juan Pablo

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« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2017, 02:20:43 PM »

Witzendwife

I'm  so sorry for the rough week you have had.  I can understand how hard all those things can be and it can feel like we just get our legs cut out from under us. I really do understand how traumatic it can be when a pet we love goes through something so difficult like that. Everything just seems to get magnified when so much happens at once.

A month or so back my adult daughter called me in an early morning panic because her weiner dog was paralyzed rear legs. I ran an got them to emergency clinic. I had a panic attack there. Actually thought I was having a heart attack.  When we are already under duress from our daily lives with our pwBPD, any additional things feels huge.

My deceased mother gave me a gift 10 years ago when I was going through a very difficult season of life. She would get on the phone and sing an old hymn to me... .Count Your Blessings.  I still play that thru my head when I am feeling defeated and it picks me up thinking of my mom and her love for me and I was not alone.

You're not alone either. You have a whole community here beside you, and we understand when you tells us about all the hard stuff.

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WitzEndWife
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« Reply #2 on: December 01, 2017, 03:20:54 PM »

Thanks Juan - I appreciate that! It's definitely tough when you have a BPD loved one on top of normal stress. And I also think I'm absorbing his depression a bit, which isn't good. I hope this weekend gets better. Thank you again for the support.
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"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. All is riddle, and the key to a riddle is another riddle." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
isilme
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« Reply #3 on: December 01, 2017, 03:54:49 PM »

 

If you need to cry find a good quiet place and do it.  I have to do that at work at times, and will even leave my building for a short while to do it.  I am so sorry.  I hope both dogs are doing better.

Any word on what the supervisor actually wanted?  H tends to think all meetings, all assignments, all presentations will result in him being fired.  It's just their inability to be rational about things that they put a lot of self-worth into. 

I hope it was something innocuous, a run of the mill meeting, or even maybe some good news.  Keep us posted.
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2017, 11:28:39 PM »

Hello WitzEndWife, I am so sorry you had an awful week.  I hope you had a peaceful weekend.  Let us know how you are doing when you get a chance.

WW
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« Reply #5 on: December 04, 2017, 08:51:17 PM »


How did you respond to his idea to quite before being fired?

I would hope you would encourage him to ask about his performance and get specifics... .

It wouldn't be beyond the realm of BPD that that he is doing ok and totally misreading peoples signals.

Pre-emptive quitting is not a good idea...

Also... .it brings up your boundaries and decisions about your relationship... .I wouldn't say anything to him in a threatening way... but you need to keep it in the back of your head.

Another reason for him to ask for feedback... .and get it in writing or email... .is so you can get a "peek" into his world to see his chances, without it flowing through the BPD filter.

Has he had deals, listings or closings?

FF
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WitzEndWife
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« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2017, 04:19:45 PM »

Regarding the quitting: Yes, he quit immediately after he informed me that he was going to do so. To this day, we still don't know what the supervisor was going to talk about, but he feels pleased with himself that he did not leave himself vulnerable to rejection.

To be fair, I think the environment there wasn't the right fit for him. There was too much focus on "shotgun-style" selling, where you're supposed to badger everyone and their mother for leads. It may be effective for some, but it's not a very smart way to be spending time nowadays. They were only concerned about how many doors he'd knocked on every day, how many calls he'd made, etc., not about his other marketing plans, or about the quality contacts he'd already made. They were kind of "old school" where that was concerned.

That said, I do think he quit out of fear, and I also worry that he might have cold feet about jumping back in. My mother actually did a great job of validating him on the phone the other day, and she talked him through the situation and offered some suggestions about how to proceed. He told her that he was going to take a few days to decide what agency he wanted to switch to. This call was on Sunday. Monday, he pretty much moped all day.

I'm not sure what he did today. I am waiting and seeing what he decides to do. I do hope he does not lose momentum, because that would be pretty bad. I don't see any way forward. I see this as his last chance, unless he decides to go full into something else.

He did have a good conversation with another agency the other day, and he seemed to really like the head broker, so I'm hoping that will motivate him to get on board with a new place.

If he languishes for several weeks, I'm not going to be able to keep supporting him. He was doing so well, consistently going to work and putting in hours every day cold calling people and knocking on doors, for almost two months. When they started scrutinizing his performance, that's when he lost momentum. If he does not pick back up, he is not holding up his end of the partnership here. One thing is for sure, he cannot laze about the house all day and expect me to bring home the bacon and mommy him by paying for all of his expenses. I helped him out a bit while he was working consistently, but I'm not going to spend all of this money to have him loaf around. Heck no!

I'm going to see what happens, see if he picks himself back up and does something. If not, we'll have to have a conversation. And, if he continues to languish, that's going to be it for me. I didn't sign up to have a grown up dependent. That's completely unacceptable. Hard boundary there. I won't be taken for a fool yet again.

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« Reply #7 on: December 05, 2017, 09:15:12 PM »


Did he do any deals over the two months?

Did he list any properties?

How many offers did he submit?

Real estate has been a side biz for me for... .15 years or so.  Flipping, renting, selling with owner finance... .I've done lots of stuff. 

The questions above are really... IMO... .what you need to understand.

Two months is not enough to understand if real estate is for him.  He doesn't need to decide which agency to go with, he needs to take the first offer there is.  The best way to get a job at a better agency is to have a job already and move over.

I would not mention is to him... .yet... .but he would have been much better of to stick around (not quit)... .do his best to appease his boss and start looking for another job.

In about two weeks he would have either turned the corner and be back on track or he would be at another agency that is a better "fit".

IMO... .what he did was foolish from a professional standpoint.  If it's a one time thing, he can likely make it look OK on his resume.  Another one is going to be tough to overcome.

Not saying this to be mean or disagreeable... .but to be upfront with you about my understanding of the industry.  I've interviewed and hired lots of people, most times people don't have a good explanation for why they quit. 

He is best to go with a "fail fast and move forward answer"... rather than letting a bad situation linger.

How you help a pwBPD understand all this... I don't know.  Critical you get it first.



FF
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WitzEndWife
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« Reply #8 on: December 06, 2017, 10:30:22 AM »

He's only been working for less than two months (his agency's training is 7 weeks, and he was just finishing that up), but he has had several serious leads that fell through in one way or another. For one, the guy decided to take a lower cash offer before H had a chance to list it; for another, the couple decided to wait a bit longer to put it on the market (but a $400K potential listing, so that would be great if he gets it in springtime); on another he's waiting for the guy to get money from an inheritance so that he can look for homes; and on another he's waiting for the previous owner to be let out of their mortgage so that he can list it for the bank. He doesn't have a network here because he's not from here. He's more comfortable getting leads online through content marketing and social media, or even networking events, instead of cold knocking on doors. He says he'd like to work more with investors than with home owners, but that is a tough market to crack.

I agree that he should not have left, but there was nothing I could do. Now he has to be able to pick himself up and get back into the game. My gut is that this other agency has a more progressive mindset, which is more aligned with his style. Hopefully he can move forward with them quickly.
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« Reply #9 on: December 06, 2017, 11:02:31 AM »

He's more comfortable getting leads online through content marketing and social media, or even networking events, instead of cold knocking on doors. He says he'd like to work more with investors than with home owners, but that is a tough market to crack.

  My gut is that this other agency has a more progressive mindset, which is more aligned with his style. 

I can tell you believe in your hubby and you want him to succeed.  Once you understand many of the aspects of the real estate business, many people find their niche and do well and are comfortable with what they do.

I'm very glad I've invested my time, effort and money in real estate... even though at present I'm downsizing.

If he is not comfortable cold calling and knocking on doors he has little chance of anything successful in real estate.  He has no chance gaining the business of an investor without cold calling.  That's why investors use them.  They (I) get free labor that I only have to pay for if a deal is done. 

You are right, it's a tough market to crack, even if you are a hard worker.  My guy is a childhood friend.  He knows I won't pull the rug out from under him and I trust his judgment. 

When I'm trying to sort out a situation... .he is the one that knocks on doors, makes the calls, gets told to get off peoples property, shotguns waived around... .all that fun stuff.

(people do odd stuff when their place is being foreclosed on... .)

Anyway... .I'm not trying to be mean or burst any bubbles, but clearly lay out my view of the industry and how it works.  Many... (most) people have misconceptions about how it works.

I haven't found the "easy money" yet... .  I have made a lot, as have my realtors, and yes a couple deals were "easy", by and large they were a pain in the a$$ and took a lot of work.

"Comfortable with" is not a phrase that I've ever heard my realtors use... .they successful ones do what it takes... .

Your situation is not doomed or a foregone conclusion.  In my view... it was par for the course.  I'm so sorry to have to say that, I know you wanted a better outcome.  (and there is a chance of one)

7 weeks training, 1 week "work", and quit.  That seems pretty much BPD to me.

   

FF
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WitzEndWife
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« Reply #10 on: December 06, 2017, 12:31:07 PM »

It's not that he refuses to cold call or knock on doors, but the previous agency poo-poohed his digital marketing efforts, and didn't encourage them. The other agency he talked to supported digital marketing.

As for training vs work, he was working and training at the same time. He trained in the mornings and worked in the afternoons, doing previews, cold calling, knocking on doors, and open houses on weekends. He was surprisingly industrious (went FAR beyond my expectations), and he loved what he was doing. UNTIL he was criticized by the agency manager for not writing letters to all of his old friends in Canada, in the off chance that they might know somebody in our city. He felt like this was a waste of time, and I tend to agree. And I'm the first person to be critical of his behavior. She also invalidated his other ideas, which was also disheartening. I don't know if they were going to fire him - probably not - so I think he definitely jumped the gun quitting, but I still don't think that this was the right place for him, if they were going to have someone cracking the whip and discouraging him from following more contemporary marketing methods.

I think while he's being validated and everything's going well, he's hard working and productive, but as soon as something happens that invalidates him, it saps his motivation and momentum. Obviously, that's not a sustainable way to live, and not a good situation for a person to let themselves get into. I don't know a solution to this, other than therapy, but, of course, it's easier to get a crocodile to the dentist than it is to get him to do that.
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« Reply #11 on: December 06, 2017, 02:43:18 PM »


OK... .perhaps I have a bit better idea of the dynamic.

Think about this message and how to craft is... ."nudge"... whatever from time to time.  Say it in sort of an offhand way... .perhaps make it your story.

Ok... .and I will admit to being a bit old school in my work attitudes.

Usually... .unless there is an ethics issue, disagreeing with a boss is not a good idea.  History establishes who usually wins those arguments.

Much much much better to do exactly what the boss wants... and then some... .and ask for feedback to keep your boss off your back. 

Once the boss is off you back... .you do whatever you want... .make the job yours.  I'm not suggesting he stop writing letters to Canada or even Timbuktu if the boss wants (I'm assuming it's the bosses postage, paper and letterhead... right?)

Anyway the vision is that he does it the bosses way and then does it his way too.  Unless of course the boss "forbids"... which is much different that "discourage".

One of my shore commands in the Navy was literally about a 12 hour drive from where my bosses office and staff was.  They had this system (which I disagreed with) of putting metrics into a computer system so that each base (he was over several) showed up as a color.  Green was good, yellow was iffy... .red was flunk.

I disagreed with the metrics and way the data was collected... .it was a$$backwards and ineffective.

Guess what... .I gathered my staff and rule number was is my command NEVER went yellow... .never.  Whatever it took.

Which meant my boss never called... which meant I got to run the command the way I saw fit (except for that stupid metric collection system).

Hope that make sense.  Figure out a way to "gently" drop this idea and stories like that... .perhaps it will make him ok with the next place.

Bosses will ask him to do stupid and invalidating things in the future... .it's going to happen.

FF
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