Should have taken the day off ...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

WARNING, vent session below!… Forgive me message board for I have been colored black again, So I am driving home from work last Thursday, and I call my u/BPD wife up to report in as I always do (when we are speaking), it’s been a bit shaky since the last bout/episode which lasted eleven days, which started on 9 November, and was lifted the Monday before Thanksgiving, so we got through Thanksgiving, and went out and got a Christmas tree that Friday, and during the course of retrieving all the decorations from the attic, and getting it all set up, she did take a swipe at me, but I dodged it… So its been eleven days exactly… so back to my story (vent)…  I am riding down the road, we are “speaking”… she tells me she is ok, but her mother (FOO) is driving her crazy, and I ponder how is this possible since she really does not speak to her mother much these days… (we spent Thanksgiving at our own home just us and my two Son’s & not with her FOO across town)… Turns out when she was ST on me previously, she cranked her FB account back up, since it’s been d-e-a-d since like 2012 ? (resultant from post-fight back in the day)… She has been using mine… As of late to “keep up” with her two grownup kids… Said her (FOO) mum “messaged” her and wanted her to “friend” her… u/BPD wife would have none of that (isn’t FB silly)… She went on, and on about it… Then she asked me how my day was (trap)… & before I realized what I was saying (driving and all) I said ok, pretty busy, getting ready for that travel next week, and that my coworker had a kinda bad day (job politics), got somewhat angry (pissed off), and left early for the “deer woods”… she said “WHAT!&%$@!”… “He left early again?”  (we are talking on the uconnect phone I am driving down the road)… she said, “then why did you not leave early too, as he does it all the time”… I said HEY… I am very busy on my projects, and I screwed up and told her the internet had been down pretty much all day as well… which made her even more angry (projection)… She said “then why did you NOT leave early too, and come home and spend time with your wife”… I initiated JADE (dumb idea)… I repeated, I have a lot on my plate, I have to be ready for next week (travel)… to no avail… she did what she does best, and hung up on me (le’ sigh)… I roll up to the house, Son and mentor are already home, same ole k-r-a-p… she is as nice as she can be, and once the mentor clears out, and my Son is off to the shower, she lays into me… she says “you don’t think of anything but my job, I need a vacation” she says (she is not working)… I am this, I am that… well I said, sarcastically, so you know what I am working on do you, and you dictate my working hours, and my boss answers to you huh”… ->boom<-, more dysregulation… Then she starts in on Christmas ($money$)… says I should spend all my savings (our savings) on Christmas, and a vacation, ie’ NO nest-egg… Blow it all… And I say so if something comes up, we use your (her) savings... she says YES ! (trap)… I think to myself, “yeah right”… It goes on and on, and on some more… So I give her a “parting shot”… don’t you like the money I make that makes our life comfortable, do you really want me to act like the others, and put my position in jeopardy?… She says “all that matters to you is your damn job, and those damn stupid airplanes”… ( I think to myself)… Was not long ago, she had a great job, with state benefits, and lots of responsibility, but she quit due to anger issues, and confrontations with her direct reports (all other women)… not the first time either… and to top it all off, she is sick, she has cancer, and I am trying my best to support her, but she keeps doing this k-r-a-p to me (BPD behaviors)… I am the bread winner, the med insurance is on me, she does not work now, she is completely dependent on me… and I spend all my time at work, and or taking care of my special needs Son, and her… so why does she want to beat the poor working mule (me)... without me, and my job, and my retirement I worked my arse off for (26 years USMC)… we would have nothing… I can put up with a lot of k-r-a-p… but when she comes after my career (golden egg maker), that pisses me off… there are many more variables to this story, yes many more...… as she is my second wife, yes, I signed up for more punishment, to quote a good friend, “what did I ever do to anybody to deserve this” (humor)… so forth and so on, she has had this “history” since I have known her (ten years now)… it was only last year this time that I finally fell upon this BPD explanation of why she is so dang hard to get along with, constantly… ok, I am done venting… v/r Red5

[Red5]

WARNING, vent session below!… Forgive me message board for I have been colored black again, So I am driving home from work last Thursday, and I call my u/BPD wife up to report in as I always do (when we are speaking), it’s been a bit shaky since the last bout/episode which lasted eleven days, which started on 9 November, and was lifted the Monday before Thanksgiving, so we got through Thanksgiving, and went out and got a Christmas tree that Friday, and during the course of retrieving all the decorations from the attic, and getting it all set up, she did take a swipe at me, but I dodged it… So its been eleven days exactly… so back to my story (vent)…  I am riding down the road, we are “speaking”… she tells me she is ok, but her mother (FOO) is driving her crazy, and I ponder how is this possible since she really does not speak to her mother much these days… (we spent Thanksgiving at our own home just us and my two Son’s & not with her FOO across town)… Turns out when she was ST on me previously, she cranked her FB account back up, since it’s been d-e-a-d since like 2012 ? (resultant from post-fight back in the day)… She has been using mine… As of late to “keep up” with her two grownup kids… Said her (FOO) mum “messaged” her and wanted her to “friend” her… u/BPD wife would have none of that (isn’t FB silly)… She went on, and on about it… Then she asked me how my day was (trap)… & before I realized what I was saying (driving and all) I said ok, pretty busy, getting ready for that travel next week, and that my coworker had a kinda bad day (job politics), got somewhat angry (pissed off), and left early for the “deer woods”… she said “WHAT!&%$@!”… “He left early again?”  (we are talking on the uconnect phone I am driving down the road)… she said, “then why did you not leave early too, as he does it all the time”… I said HEY… I am very busy on my projects, and I screwed up and told her the internet had been down pretty much all day as well… which made her even more angry (projection)… She said “then why did you NOT leave early too, and come home and spend time with your wife”… I initiated JADE (dumb idea)… I repeated, I have a lot on my plate, I have to be ready for next week (travel)… to no avail… she did what she does best, and hung up on me (le’ sigh)… I roll up to the house, Son and mentor are already home, same ole k-r-a-p… she is as nice as she can be, and once the mentor clears out, and my Son is off to the shower, she lays into me… she says “you don’t think of anything but my job, I need a vacation” she says (she is not working)… I am this, I am that… well I said, sarcastically, so you know what I am working on do you, and you dictate my working hours, and my boss answers to you huh”… ->boom<-, more dysregulation… Then she starts in on Christmas ($money$)… says I should spend all my savings (our savings) on Christmas, and a vacation, ie’ NO nest-egg… Blow it all… And I say so if something comes up, we use your (her) savings... she says YES ! (trap)… I think to myself, “yeah right”… It goes on and on, and on some more… So I give her a “parting shot”… don’t you like the money I make that makes our life comfortable, do you really want me to act like the others, and put my position in jeopardy?… She says “all that matters to you is your damn job, and those damn stupid airplanes”… ( I think to myself)… Was not long ago, she had a great job, with state benefits, and lots of responsibility, but she quit due to anger issues, and confrontations with her direct reports (all other women)… not the first time either… and to top it all off, she is sick, she has cancer, and I am trying my best to support her, but she keeps doing this k-r-a-p to me (BPD behaviors)… I am the bread winner, the med insurance is on me, she does not work now, she is completely dependent on me… and I spend all my time at work, and or taking care of my special needs Son, and her… so why does she want to beat the poor working mule (me)... without me, and my job, and my retirement I worked my arse off for (26 years USMC)… we would have nothing… I can put up with a lot of k-r-a-p… but when she comes after my career (golden egg maker), that pisses me off… there are many more variables to this story, yes many more...… as she is my second wife, yes, I signed up for more punishment, to quote a good friend, “what did I ever do to anybody to deserve this” (humor)… so forth and so on, she has had this “history” since I have known her (ten years now)… it was only last year this time that I finally fell upon this BPD explanation of why she is so dang hard to get along with, constantly… ok, I am done venting… v/r Red5

[Red5]

Addendum… so after the “flay-lex” on Thursday evening, the dysregulations continued into Friday… I was informed that she would be spending ten (10) daze during January down in lower Alabama with her daughter, I thought to myself, wow !… ten daze, that’s a good thing… cool beans !… then I heard God laughing at me , as I checked the calendar, and saw that this is my (biological) “mothers” planned (scheduled) visit up here from the southernmost state… I checked the 30 day planner, and yes, there it was, ten (10) days super imposed on top for each other, u/BPD wife is going to exit the pattern while “dear old mum” is here in January… gee thanks “hun” (!)… I have decide that I am going to stop calling my wife “baby” or “dear”, .and start calling her “hun” (hon)… like “beware the hun in the sun”… also look up the “honfest” up in Baltimore… more later…

[Red5]

So after Thursdays and Fridays “events”… I was a bit shaken up, you would think that after all this time, it would all just roll off my back, like rain water off a poncho while on guard duty… but no, I let it all get to me somewhat… so into Saturday we went… you see I had to travel for my job, a little trip up to Pax River up north the first two days of the week… this has been coming for some months now ( a big deal to be sure), and to coincide with one of her medical appointments in the northern part of the state on Monday… I had told her that I did not really have to go (suffered), that I could “forgo”, but she made it a point that I should not worry about her, that “my” job was more important, and that I should do the travel as planned for my work... .so I planned for it... and prepared to execute accordingly… so Saturday morning, she tells me, if you can go early, go ahead and go, I don’t want you around… ok” I thought, But no, I stick to my plan, and make sure my Son is good to go (gtg) first, so all day Saturday I spent preparing, laundry, my Son’s things he needed to from grocery shopping etc’, chores etc’, and on Sunday morning my Son and I went to the early service at Church, and I got him lunch, and then back home again, and made sure my #2 Son would be able to help out Monday morning with my #1 Son getting to his vocational program in the morning, while u/BPD wife & her sister (FOO) went up north to her doctor’s appointment (lots of moving piece’s here), whist I was on Pax River air station for my job… not mention my daughter’s birthday was also on Sunday… and meanwhile step mom,u/BPD wife is in full blown dysregulation mode… whew boy  > : (

So after all preparations are made, and I am ready to depart on Sunday afternoon for MD, I asked her, are you ok, I have done and unsured that A,B,C,D, & FGHYIUWYD & P are all done… so you are gtg!… she just said something to the effect #%@$&* you… & get out !…

So I went, and was ST status thereunto today, from Sunday afternoon, all day Monday, and into today; Tuesday, so I have RTB (returned to base this PM)… and the house is still here, she is still here, #1 Son is ok, and here “I sit”… Why do I put up with this?… This is called “punishing the non”…

[Red5]

That last Friday I had off, post Thursday evening debacle… and since the last major fight, eleven daze ST accordingly, I ensured to her that Friday (preceding), and Saturday would be guaranteed Christmas shopping daze, money was no object, shop till you drop !, we even put it on the calendar, but after Thursday evening(‘s) breakdown, she proceeded to sabotage it, and she said no, we are not going shopping for Christmas, you can just drop dead (F X-MAS she said)… another “whew” boy > : ( 
That’s when she came out with the “I’m outa here for ten daze” in January…
You see, even when you attempt to placate, and please, you a met with the “stone wall”… there is indeed no making these lady’s happy with anything you may attempt to do… nope, not happening…

[Juan Pablo]

Red5

You have been going through a lot. Trying to juggle work and these issues with our loved ones wBPD is so taxing.

I just want to thank you for your service. You have served a long time.

[formflier]

Red 5,

Trying to think of some military analogies I can use to help you organize your communications with your wife.

To answer a question... .she beats her mule because the mule stands still and participates.

If the mule only came around for a pet and left when kicked... .over time there less kicking and more petting... .perhaps.

But... .the key is that if the mule leaves... the mule doesn't get kicked.

Comm discipline is in order.  Did you talk on the radio much in the Corps?

I taught all my flight students to "think, click, talk... ."   the order matters.

Most peoples natural inclination is to "click, think, talk".  (for non military types... .the "click" is keying the mike switch.)

So... for you.  Anytime you talk to her... .think first.  Before you mouth opens.  Then click... open you mouth... .say it succinctly... .then unclick the mike.

Oh... the answer is "I had work to do"... .and say nothing more about why you didn't take off.

Thoughts?

FF

[Cat Familiar]

she beats her mule because the mule stands still and participates.

If the mule only came around for a pet and left when kicked... .over time there less kicking and more petting... .perhaps.

But... .the key is that if the mule leaves... the mule doesn't get kicked.r

Most mules I've met (and donkeys too) wouldn't stand around after getting kicked. And we humans tell ourselves that we're smarter than animals.   

[formflier]

 I used to be quite enamored with myself (as a teenager) about my ability to chase geese or birds like that around.  I saw nothing wrong with it until one day I chased and they chased back... .bit... pecked...

Let's just say I got the behavioral modification lesson pretty quick. 

FF

[Red5]

Red 5,

Comm discipline is in order. 

Formflier et all'... .Yes, I do try to watch what I "transmit"... .another lesson learnt the hard way... .“Comm discipline”, I recall the many times we chased aircraft round the runways, to arm, and de-arm weapons, ie' guns, rockets, and missiles (fun times)... .you had to get a license (a class) down at operations to use the airfield radio, in order to drive around, and across; and up and down active runways... .yes, we were taught... ."who am I, where am I, where do I want to go, how do I get there, what are the risks, and dangers, what is going on around me, in front of me, behind me, who am I going to talk to"... .& to obey all radio calls from the tower (!)”... .another analogy is "opsec"... .as in don't say too much, keep it short, and don't let too much out on the "air waves"... .I do note that much of the time, my (u/BPD) wife does keep the comm set "keyed" way too long, resulting in a "hot mike" ()... .yeah, I am just an old plow mule now (caretaker), I don't remember the difference between a kick, and a hug anymore ()... .// SITREP //... .cycle is up right now, things have been somewhat peaceful since Friday was a week ago, .another exact eleven day cycle, .albeit tenuous... .just a few more daze till Christmas now, ."engine room/bridge"... .all ahead slow, make your speed eleven knots... .steady up on course 25 (December)... ."Beaufort tower - Blade ordnance to cross east west duals mid-field, proceed to approach end runway five arming area to arm Blade Hornets... ."Blade ordnance - Beaufort tower HOLD SHORT !"... .()... ."hee-haw" !