Hi metalux, I'm sorry to hear about the issues you're working through. This reply got a little long, but I am hoping it can help a bit. I do not have a childhood abuse background, but my wife does, so I have a sense of that. I do have a background as a domestic violence survivor (physical and psychological), to the point that my wife was removed from the home a month ago and is enrolled in a formal DBT program as well as a batterer's program.
Let me hit the hottest issue first:
I feel like no one has my back, and I'm being used up until I'm an empty shell. But if I have anger at how Im being treated, the response to me is violence and abuse. Or a suggestion to employ "radical acceptance". I feel marginalized, which is not what i came here hoping to find.
Ouch. First, thank you for being honest about how you feel! Everything you said resonates with me. You use yourself up trying to contort yourself into some form that keeps things calm. Anger is not allowed. Asserting yourself is not allowed. Accepting it may feel like it means that you deserve it or that it's inevitable, which might make it feel like your personhood is being absolutely swallowed up and you're ceasing to exist. All of that screams, in Broadway-style flashing lights, "INVALIDATING." Dealing with this is awful, and I'm so, so sorry you're facing all of it.
Dealing with BPD and abuse is complex. They can be related, and some BPD behaviors certainly can land in the "abuse" bucket, but at some point the abuse becomes a thing of its own and the member is actually coping with two intertwined problems. Every situation is different, so give us some time to understand yours. Radical acceptance can be a useful tool for living with BPD, but absolutely not for dealing with current abuse.
Dealing with past abuse is a tough question that I'm struggling with right now. I have a friend who's a little farther ahead in the healing process than me, and she's struggling with her husband's unwillingness to acknowledge how his past abuse has harmed her. When she first started describing this, I thought, "Wow, she's being pretty unrealistic, she's just going to have to accept it." Fast forward a few months to when I finally break through all the denial and minimization about how abusive my wife was being, and get to the point where we're separated and trying to figure out if reconciliation is possible. Wow. Now I understand where my friend was coming from. I now feel like I need my wife to acknowledge all the horrible specifics of what she did, that it was wrong, that it wasn't my fault, and that she understands how much it harmed me. Right now, it feels like I'd have a hard time moving forward in the relationship without that.
I don't know what the ultimate answers will be, but I wanted to say that all of what you're describing makes sense to me, and I think I understand a bit about where you're coming from.
Then, back to your original message:
I'm posting here today because we're trying to work it out, but it seems like separation might be called for, but neither of us want it when we're calm.
I think this may be the key to why your post was moved to this board. Staff tries to be sensitive to the aims of the poster, and the fact that you said you don't want to separate when things are calm, plus the fact that you present as someone who is very thoughtful about your situation, probably weighed into the decision to move your post. Another way to look at it is that one of the big factors in deciding where a post fits is where the member is likely to get the best help. For a question like this one:
how am I supposed to grow through all this with him, if he's the source of my anger?
the family on Improving is definitely the place were you're likely to get the most useful feedback. We each come at things from our own perspective, so if you happen upon some advice that feels invalidating, just let it go. An unspoken understanding here is that the folks replying trust that
you will be able to best judge what's right for your situation -- that you are free to take what helps and leave the rest.
He has been physically and sexually abusive with me in the past during rage fits(during the first couple years of marriage but nothing else physically abusive going on a year since he started therapy).
First, let me echo
DaddyBear77's question and ask if you feel safe now. You said he has not been physically abusive for a year. That is good. There may be other things going on that feel wrong but you haven't mentioned, and those are important to consider as well.
When I wanted to understand the difference between healthy, unhealthy, and abusive behavior in my relationship, I found it particularly helpful to look at this page on the
Relationship Spectrum. A particularly helpful page on
abuse defined shows how many different forms of abuse there can be, in particularly non-physical controlling behaviors.
So when we ask if you feel safe, we mean in the broadest sense. Please help us to understand your current situation. If you check out the links above and none of it resonates, great, that's less to worry about. But if any of it strikes a chord, please fill us in.
He is sincerely trying to grow, i think, and has spent the past couple days obsessively reading therapy books, watching dbt videos... .
This is a great start. Many people do not get even to this stage, so I'm thrilled to hear this. Though what matters most is first, if you feel safe (back to that again and second, if it continues long term and you and he enjoy improvements. Do you think there might be a chance to take advantage of his interest and get him into a formal DBT program?
What I'm trying to understand is how I'm supposed to feel sympathy for him and read his underlying feeling when he rages and not invalidate. Because it seems, as he is calm now, and speaking reasonably, I'm just feeling more and more angry and resentful from past violent acts, not to mention verbal abuse, lying etc... .And my needs are completely disregarded. Or, how am I supposed to grow through all this with him, if he's the source of my anger?
Again, this totally and utterly makes sense to me. I, and several other members recently, have had the experience of having our feelings of anger and hurt well up inside us and burst out during calm times. We bottle them up during a storm, but once we feel safe, they come out. Almost every time, they are more than our partner can handle, and sometimes it precipitates another storm (our pwBPD have very strong shame responses).
Your hurts over past abuse are real. You need to allow yourself to have those feelings, and the folks supporting you need to respect that. You may eventually decide that your husband must address them, or you may not. That may take some time, so those feelings may be with you for some time. It's probably safe to say that your husband is not ready to give you a response that would meet your reasonable needs yet. Which gets us to the idea of identifying his underlying feelings, feeling empathy for him, and working with him as he tries to improve. It would be invalidating if you were doing this to keep things calm at all costs. But the hope is that by using some of the tools we teach here, you can make
your daily life better, and hopefully build some progress together with him. And perhaps, with enough progress, he can get to a point where he's ready to deal with your feelings about the past, or you are OK letting them go (I'm not sure if that second option will work for me or you, just being thorough
On the separation thing, are you thinking a separation as a prelude to splitting up, or are you thinking of a "therapeutic separation" where you're getting some space and figuring out whether and how to re-engage in the relationship?
OK, I hope you haven't fallen asleep by now Lots of questions embedded above. Help us understand more about your situation. We are glad you have joined us, and look forward to supporting you as you work to get where you want to go. I'm hoping you'll become a regular here so you'll always have support, and you can start getting to know and replying to others to support them!
Warmly,
WW
