started getting better - then cyberstalking began again

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Unsure if I need to go back into my whole past history.

I stopped visiting this family a week to 10 days ago after I tired of discussion of BPD. Especially when I was diagnosed with my own BPD tendencies for fear of abandonment in my friendships/relationships.

Then on Twitter I noticed my exBPD had failed to block me. This after she blocked from all other social media. So you can guess the old pattern of cyber stalking began again. Watching her following and likes. Then I sent her an anonymous email on an alternative email. All the crap I quit doing mos. ago.

Started to think she had softened her opinion of me. Maybe become friends or more? My idealized attitude of what we were during our "love bombing" stage. Who love bombed who the most?
Bringing her flowers on my first invite to her house.
Her constant texting me " I need my +++real name+++ fix" while at work. The Luvy duvy emails. All the rhetoric of how great our souls were fixed together.

Why would I want to be recycled after all the advice I read on this family board?

Thank God she blocked me on alternative emails and Twitter. I think?
 I'm dealing with the depression of missing her, AGAIN.
Total honesty.

[Lost-love-mind]

Unsure if I need to go back into my whole past history.

I stopped visiting this family a week to 10 days ago after I tired of discussion of BPD. Especially when I was diagnosed with my own BPD tendencies for fear of abandonment in my friendships/relationships.

Then on Twitter I noticed my exBPD had failed to block me. This after she blocked from all other social media. So you can guess the old pattern of cyber stalking began again. Watching her following and likes. Then I sent her an anonymous email on an alternative email. All the crap I quit doing mos. ago.

Started to think she had softened her opinion of me. Maybe become friends or more? My idealized attitude of what we were during our "love bombing" stage. Who love bombed who the most?
Bringing her flowers on my first invite to her house.
Her constant texting me " I need my +++real name+++ fix" while at work. The Luvy duvy emails. All the rhetoric of how great our souls were fixed together.

Why would I want to be recycled after all the advice I read on this family board?

Thank God she blocked me on alternative emails and Twitter. I think?
 I'm dealing with the depression of missing her, AGAIN.
Total honesty.

[EdR]

It would be very easy to be judgmental here. Like "how could you even go to such extreme lengths".

But you know... .Whether you truly have BPD traits yourself or not, I do understand what's happening here and I feel for you.

There is this genuine connection that was severed all of a sudden and we just do not get any answers or closure. Although the BPD label helps us understand it rationally, we just don't understand their behaviour emotionally.
Of course we would like to return to the idealisation phase, but at least we would like to communicate about it and get some closure.

When we don't get that, something breaks inside of us. And although we try so hard, say the right things etc. etc. we just can't seem to reach that point of closure we want so badly.

My guess is you're still desperately trying to achieve this (or even more?). But the truth is that in almost all cases this is futile. And your stalking has only resulted in the opposite of achieving closure.

Thing is... .a small remark like "almost (!) all cases" leads to hope. And thus may start the cycle all over again.

Give up this hope. Break the cycle.

[Lost-love-mind]

Thank you. I needed that dose of reality. A slap in the face and a loud "snap out of it"!.
Yes. I kept open that small chance she would give me closure and an apology. Then possibly a friendship and eventually... .
Amazing analysis.

[ynwa]

Thank you. I needed that dose of reality. A slap in the face and a loud "snap out of it"!.
Yes. I kept open that small chance she would give me closure and an apology. Then possibly a friendship and eventually... .
Amazing analysis.

If you are not ready to let go, you are not ready.  nothing really wrong with that.  But you might have to accept that to help yourself, cutting that tie might be really scary.  But is it helping you build trust and understanding with yourself?  Is it hurting you or keeping a space in your mind that you might need for yourself?

I understand the process, I am fully unable to cut my ties.  My ex carries far too much weight in my thoughts and I still process everything I do at times with "what would she think".   I still check her instagram too much to find out whats going on with her, and maybe see a thread that will show shes thinking of me or whatever.
But it is not really helpful to me, it stops me from moving forward.   I like you would rather not move AWAY from her, but I do need to move myself into a place where the things that WORK in my life take precedence over the things that so obviously do NOT.

Detaching is a process.  Holding onto to that twitter might be a step to try ignoring? Dont stop following her, but maybe delete the app for a day or two?  Make a plan to do something that will occupy you, and just try it.

what do you think?

[Lost-love-mind]

Thank you for identifying and replying. Too late. She blocked me from Twitter.
Nice thoughts, though. Time for me to finally LET GO of her memory. Something that I should have done mos. ago.
But again, thank you for the thoughts.

[ynwa]

Thank you for identifying and replying. Too late. She blocked me from Twitter.
Nice thoughts, though. Time for me to finally LET GO of her memory. Something that I should have done mos. ago.
But again, thank you for the thoughts.

  You do not have to let go of Memories... .  Having a past, gives us tools and a larger self to move forward with.    You are doing great.  Thanks for sharing with us.

[limetaste]

Hello!

I'm kind of cyberstalking my ex also. This is the only way for me to get some kind closure after the sudden breakup, which came out of nowhere around 6 weeks ago. She went NC with me almost directly afterwards, and has blocked me everywhere after I tried contacting her to talk some sense into her. Trying to talk some sense into her pushed her away farther, and she got extremly pissed off. I can understand that in a way if she's trying to move on, which we know BPD's like to do, FAST.

My cyberstalking is simple, I lurk her social medias (which are very private and closed) the best I can. I also seen her at two different dating apps. She rebounded fast with her "cuck" male best friend (the white knight who always was there), who I guess was secretly in love with her at the time she was with me. But sh*t hit the fan fast there and I guess it didn't work out. Why would it? There is no logic to why she would be with him except to try fill up the void after me, which I guess is a hard task.

Now she seems to be on a sleep around-spree to ease her pain.

The cyberstalking is destructive, but in a way it helps me get over her in some way. I've seen her adding new guys and such. At first it felt like a knife pushed into my heart. Along these weeks the feeling is more dull. Could I stop? Do I want to stop? Every ex snoops around at people from former relationships, to a certain degree. In some way I want to see how insane this woman really is, so I can try to put the whole picture together.

[Lost-love-mind]

Hello!

I'm kind of cyberstalking my ex also. This is the only way for me to get some kind closure after the sudden breakup, which came out of nowhere around 6 weeks ago. She went NC with me almost directly afterwards, and has blocked me everywhere after I tried contacting her to talk some sense into her. Trying to talk some sense into her pushed her away farther, and she got extremly pissed off. I can understand that in a way if she's trying to move on, which we know BPD's like to do, FAST.



The cyberstalking is destructive, but in a way it helps me get over her in some way. I've seen her adding new guys and such. At first it felt like a knife pushed into my heart. Along these weeks the feeling is more dull. Could I stop? Do I want to stop? Every ex snoops around at people from former relationships, to a certain degree. In some way I want to see how insane this woman really is, so I can try to put the whole picture together.

Limetaste
Please take it from me. Stop the cyber stalking. It keeps us engaged in the fantasy of her idealization. It keeps us sick.
I kept open the idea that she was softening her position on me after blocking me on everything but didn't realize that I was able to access her Twitter. Every time she added a like I thought wow she's really on the same wavelength as we used to be with our political thinking.

I emailed her and she blocked me on Twitter. It's madness on our part.

Six mos. out from a twisted 2 mos. r/s and I'm still thinking of her and the good times. What a bizarre scenario of intimacy.
My exBPD is a quiet and introvert with unusual living as a hermit. If she is dating someone else, then they can deal with the mood swings, the constant texting and the lack of expression of emotions and verbalization of her needs.
It's time to move on.
I keep trying to convince myself of the need to work on my inner core issues. Not the right time to bring in a new relationship.
Again. Move on. It's time to let go.

[limetaste]

Limetaste
Please take it from me. Stop the cyber stalking. It keeps us engaged in the fantasy of her idealization. It keeps us sick.
I kept open the idea that she was softening her position on me after blocking me on everything but didn't realize that I was able to access her Twitter. Every time she added a like I thought wow she's really on the same wavelength as we used to be with our political thinking.

I emailed her and she blocked me on Twitter. It's madness on our part.

Six mos. out from a twisted 2 mos. r/s and I'm still thinking of her and the good times. What a bizarre scenario of intimacy.
My exBPD is a quiet and introvert with unusual living as a hermit. If she is dating someone else, then they can deal with the mood swings, the constant texting and the lack of expression of emotions and verbalization of her needs.
It's time to move on.
I keep trying to convince myself of the need to work on my inner core issues. Not the right time to bring in a new relationship.
Again. Move on. It's time to let go.

How long did you and your exBPD had a relationship for? It seems common that people here who express their feeling often experienced a BPD that just was a "rebound" to them, for short therm. We talk about 1-6 months relationship or so maybe. I'm not saying you lasted so shortly, but for us who did our "tour" over 1 year the connection is too strong to just "stop". If you experienced this your answer wouldn't be "stop the cyberstalking". It's a ___ty advice, why would I stop the cyberstalking when I just explained why I do it? It's because it's the only way I can get some type of closure. Me and my exBPD wasn't some rebound-sh*t. She had those type of relationships before me.

I'm going to be "engaged" until I find myself a new woman that fulfill my needs. After a long BPD-relationship you get co-depedant. I'm trying, I'm searching. I'm out there on those date apps. I'm a Sigma, I'm good looking, I can easily get laid. It ain't about that.

Doing over a 1 year tour with a BPD you stop becoming a partner in someway, and you start becoming a caretaker. Losing a exBPD after a greater amount of time doesn't just leave you empty. There's a strange bound to it, caring, like some sort of parents that had their child missing/started doing drugs and went away... .etc.

I know BPD, this was different, can't tell if she is full spectrum, but close to it. I got a kid since I was 20 with a BPD outburst. But everybody is different.

[limetaste]

How long did you and your exBPD had a relationship for? It seems common that people here who express their feeling often experienced a BPD that just was a "rebound" to them, for short therm. We talk about 1-6 months relationship or so maybe. I'm not saying you lasted so shortly, but for us who did our "tour" over 1 year the connection is too strong to just "stop". If you experienced this your answer wouldn't be "stop the cyberstalking". It's a ___ty advice, why would I stop the cyberstalking when I just explained why I do it? It's because it's the only way I can get some type of closure. Me and my exBPD wasn't some rebound-sh*t. She had those type of relationships before me.

I'm going to be "engaged" until I find myself a new woman that fulfill my needs. After a long BPD-relationship you get co-depedant. I'm trying, I'm searching. I'm out there on those date apps. I'm a Sigma, I'm good looking, I can easily get laid. It ain't about that.

Doing over a 1 year tour with a BPD you stop becoming a partner in someway, and you start becoming a caretaker. Losing a exBPD after a greater amount of time doesn't just leave you empty. There's a strange bound to it, caring, like some sort of parents that had their child missing/started doing drugs and went away... .etc.

I know BPD, this was different, can't tell if she is full spectrum, but close to it. I got a kid since I was 20 with a BPD outburst. But everybody is different.

Come on man. 2 month long relationship. You got out lucky. You need to work on you inner core and try to find yourself man. I did a 3 month tour with a BPD when I was 20 and she forced me to become a "daddy". Ended up in 2 year feist of destruction before I left, and a LIFE-TIME tour for getting her pregnant. Think about that, to experience the physical and mental abuse there is to it. And believe me man, when hormones starts to change that BPD who was "kind of manageable" will become a lunatic.

As last. If your R/S only lasted that shortly you were just a rebound. And that is okey. It's better for you. You will come over your partner quicker.

[vanx]

I think in recovery you are almost better off recognizing the likelihood of relapse. Here you are, yes you're checking again, but you are also observing, analyzing, and sharing. To me, that's huge.
I think writing things down can help a lot. Would you consider writing down the pros and cons of checking in online? What is it that you are giving up by not doing it? I guess you have already mapped some of this out here too. You mention in some way it helps you move on, but also that it is destructive. What about it is destructive exactly?
I don't know if I'm adding much here. I would just say continue to go easy on yourself and no matter where you're at, just keep observing your feelings, needs, and choices. At some point, my guess is looking at her social media will be about as interesting as watching paint dry! Because in time, it won't matter who she's with or what she's doing if she's out of the picture. Your own life is interesting enough! Believe me though, I get the temptation. You just want to be sure that whatever you are doing, it serves and enriches your life, because you are worth it.

[EdR]

How long did you and your exBPD had a relationship for? It seems common that people here who express their feeling often experienced a BPD that just was a "rebound" to them, for short therm. We talk about 1-6 months relationship or so maybe. I'm not saying you lasted so shortly, but for us who did our "tour" over 1 year the connection is too strong to just "stop". If you experienced this your answer wouldn't be "stop the cyberstalking". It's a ___ty advice, why would I stop the cyberstalking when I just explained why I do it? It's because it's the only way I can get some type of closure. Me and my exBPD wasn't some rebound-sh*t. She had those type of relationships before me.

I'm going to be "engaged" until I find myself a new woman that fulfill my needs. After a long BPD-relationship you get co-depedant. I'm trying, I'm searching. I'm out there on those date apps. I'm a Sigma, I'm good looking, I can easily get laid. It ain't about that.

Doing over a 1 year tour with a BPD you stop becoming a partner in someway, and you start becoming a caretaker. Losing a exBPD after a greater amount of time doesn't just leave you empty. There's a strange bound to it, caring, like some sort of parents that had their child missing/started doing drugs and went away... .etc.

I know BPD, this was different, can't tell if she is full spectrum, but close to it. I got a kid since I was 20 with a BPD outburst. But everybody is different.

Hi Limetaste,

I really like your quote I put in bold and italics. I feel exactly the same way. And I think a lot of us do. Although my "relationship" was more like a very, very close friendship I do feel the same. Two years of idealisation and me caring and then a complete roller coaster ride year made me feel exactly the same way.

Beezleconduit meant well though. And his advice is not wrong or anything. For him the cyberstalking was very different than it seems to be for you. He lost himself in doing it. He couldn't move on. It still gave him hope. So for him, imo the best advice was to stop doing this and give up hope.

For you it is different. You seem to be more in control. You don't seem to lose yourself in the stalking behaviour and it even helps you in some way. You don't seem desperately clinging on to hope. You seem to try and find that special person, who can fill the empty void she left inside of you.

We are all different and coming from different backgrounds and relationships. Thus the advice Beezleconduit gave you could be not the best in your situation. But it is for him and many others.

[limetaste]

Hi Limetaste,

I really like your quote I put in bold and italics. I feel exactly the same way. And I think a lot of us do. Although my "relationship" was more like a very, very close friendship I do feel the same. Two years of idealisation and me caring and then a complete roller coaster ride year made me feel exactly the same way.

Beezleconduit meant well though. And his advice is not wrong or anything. For him the cyberstalking was very different than it seems to be for you. He lost himself in doing it. He couldn't move on. It still gave him hope. So for him, imo the best advice was to stop doing this and give up hope.

For you it is different. You seem to be more in control. You don't seem to lose yourself in the stalking behaviour and it even helps you in some way. You don't seem desperately clinging on to hope. You seem to try and find that special person, who can fill the empty void she left inside of you.

We are all different and coming from different backgrounds and relationships. Thus the advice Beezleconduit gave you could be not the best in your situation. But it is for him and many others.

Thank you.

It's of course the best way to deal with it, the advice is not wrong in any way, it's just an impossible task to perform many times. In my case the only thing that worked is acctually meeting a new person that you can build up feelings for. The bad side to it is that in our self-destructive journey we often get attached to a new person that also has these types of issues.

I wouldn't say I'm in control. Maybe the cyberstalking is a way for me to get in control, who knows? A part of me sure hopes my exBPD comes back, but for what? I can never go back into a relationship with her if she doesn't understand her problems, and tried to change her thinking pattern through therapy and such. Sometimes you got to take it for what it is, just hopes and dreams.

Back to the stalking. In my case, seeing new guys she added on social media and such, was heartbreaking. But it also told me, she had moved on fast (maybe just temporarily, we know that many BPD's experience grief in reverse after a breakup from a real relationship) and now was trying to replace me, to fill up her empty shell. The more I found out the more I stopped hoping. Sure it hurts, but just bring it on, I can take it.

I was acctually THIS close to write a message to her last night after some cyber-stalking, but restrained myself. Stopping the cyber-stalking wouldn't really work for me since she's already on my mind all the time. Ask yourself why, because of love - or because we've been abandoned? Welcome to the mind of a BPD, we've suddenly become more and more like them.

[Lost-love-mind]

 :lime taste.
Good luck with the hope. It hurts to think how long we hold that hope. People that have never been exposed to the drug of love bombing idealized from a pwBPD fail to understand the long term consequences on our hearts and minds.
I will never minimize any personal heart breaking after exposure to the emotional challenges of post breakup at the hands of a pwBPD.
Take care.