My ex is clearly doing better

[Shedd]

Saw her Fb post... .

Aha. Win.

But not... .

Her realtionship seems to be going well.

Challenges her every second.

She wins more often.

Uhm... .Tried that with beer pong? Guess she didn't like that after all.

[once removed]

how about you Shedd? how are you doing? how is your detachment going?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Shedd, I wonder whether you are more or less reopening a wound up by checking her FB posts?  What's the point?  Don't forget, FaceBook is all about "staging" things for public consumption, rather than a depiction of what is really going on.  In this sense, FB is sort of misleading.  The reality is, she still has BPD, with all the attendant turmoil and drama.

LuckyJim

[itgetsbetter94]

Oh, the Facebook... .

I was paraded on Facebook every day. Him and me together on his profile picture. Me kissing him on the cheek. Our first visit to his himetown and his parents. Our engagement. Our movie nights. Etc etc etc Everything was carefully documented and presented on facebook. Everything.  Every day something else.

Today? Those pictures are erased and I'm a daily visitor here on BPD family. 

[Pretty Woman]

Shedd, my sentiments echo those of the other posters on here.

Facebook or FAKEbook is not the full-picture of what is happening in your exes life. Who puts the bad stuff on FB?
No one.

What she is doing really isn't your concern anymore and it only hurts to look. Hey, I am guilty of it myself... .and it sets me back each and every time.

How are YOU doing? What are you doing to get through this?

[Justbecause]

She ain't.

Mine plastered her new love story all over FB. Happily ever after, engaged in a few months, living together a few months later, married a few months after that. " So so happy"

She was cheating on her fiance with me

[hope2727]

Everything was carefully documented and presented on facebook. Everything.  Every day something else.

Today? Those pictures are erased and I'm a daily visitor here on BPD family.

Thanks I needed to read this today.

Some days are still tough.

[ynwa]

Her realtionship seems to be going well.

Hey Shedd,  I would first say thanks for opening up and sharing.  Second, and I mean this in a good honest friendly way.  STOP KEEPING SCORE.  

I say this because, I had a relationship that was amazing, a ton of firsts for me, an absolute amazing amount of photos and memories.  But.  When it was bad? When it was hours of enduring drunken abuse, physical and verbal, and then days of moving around like a zombie not being able to ask anyone or tell anyone what happened.  guess what.

There were zero FB posts about that.  not a one.  no photos no smiles nothing.  

No matter what you have been through Shedd, you still put your pants on the same foot everyday, you still tie your shoelaces the same way.   And your person is still the same to their core.  

You may not feel it, or see it, but you know the history and way it unfolds Shedd.  

[once removed]

a sincere questions for everyone:

are we threatened by the possibility that shedds ex is doing better?

[itgetsbetter94]

a sincere questions for everyone:

are we threatened by the possibility that shedds ex is doing better?

Sincere answer- I honestly believe- in the best case scenario- that his ex is possibly doing better at the moment, but from everything I learned about the disorder in the last few months, I do not believe that the happiness is long term sustainable. The crisis will occur sooner or later. It's the nature of the disorder, not just our resentful wishful thinking that our exes will be miserable for the rest of their lives. I am yet to hear that one single story that would sound like living happily ever after with a borderliner. I'm not being cynic or ironic. I would love to know that the change is possible.
I had that talk with my T. I asked her can my ex ever be cured (even when I knew he moved on with another woman) and she said that the slight modification and progress is possible after the long therapy (her words- 10 years. Therapy 2x a week.)
I stutter sometimes when I'm in stress. I will probably have that for the rest of my life. I can devote my life trying to get rid of it, as I did, but it happens regarding my efforts. It's a part of me. Curing a stutter is manageable today, but I still find it hard to get rid of it completely.  And that is "only" a speach impediment.  Imagine how it is to modify a personality, a very core of someone's being... .

I end up writing an essay when all I wanted to write was- I don't believe that his ex is doing better (long term) until she committed to serious, long term therapy.

[once removed]

every post and every response we make here are examples of triangulation. it can either be good triangulation, neutral triangulation, or bad triangulation. the latter usually happens when we, as members, pile on the hurt, respond from our own place of woundedness. we can keep each other stuck.

shedd has shared that her ex is doing better. shedd wasnt clear on how that was affecting her. we assumed.

1. is it safe to say that shedd knows her ex better than we do?
2. if shedd (or any member) is struggling over the notion that her ex is doing better, and we rush to tell her it isnt true, what happens if we are wrong?

isnt the struggle a matter of being attached to the outcome of our ex? do we reinforce that attachment when we rush to say "shes not doing better shes doing worse/its a matter of time until shes doing worse"?

certainly, it is a struggle many of us can relate to. i was very invested in the notion that i could do better and certain my ex would only fail, and, tellingly, i gravitated toward literature that validated that. it didnt pan out that way. my ex did and continues to do better. i carried the same baggage into my next relationships. 

it isnt something that everyone struggles with though. bottom line, comparing ourselves to others generally stems from things like low self esteem, codependency, etc. is that the stuff we want to reinforce in others, or leave at the door in our future relationships?

everything I learned about the disorder in the last few months, I do not believe that the happiness is long term sustainable. The crisis will occur sooner or later. It's the nature of the disorder,

it will help to know that the vast majority of exes we read about on this board are undiagnosed, and the majority of those would not qualify for a PD diagnosis, but are, however, very difficult and dysfunctional people, who have traits of BPD, another disorder, or another form of mental illness. keep in mind too, that BPD is a spectrum disorder with a few hundred combinations, all over the spectrum from low to high. and many of them will go on to do better.

how do i know? plenty of members here themselves have traits of the disorder, another disorder, or another form of mental illness. in fact, around 50% of partners with someone with a PD have a PD themselves. do we want to tell them "you cant do better" or "you can do better, your ex cannot"? ive seen many of them go on to do better. ive seen many of them not learn the lessons, not heal, and carry the same baggage into their next relationship, sometimes the one after that.

as for those who are diagnosable, remission rates (no such thing as a cure, youre right), are very high. as a member here for some years now, i can give you a lot of anecdotal success stories, a lot of marriages saved, a lot of children/teenagers whose lives were transformed. since this is the Learning board, i think its important to know, but its not the point.

our exes may or may not go on to do better, and their success or failure doesnt have any bearing on us any more than say, an ex from middle school does. the question is will we? as you say, change is hard. there are no guarantees.

[Justbecause]

a sincere questions for everyone:

are we threatened by the possibility that shedds ex is doing better?

Good question.

I have very much the same scenario, and I have to accept she is. But, as my understanding of her gets better I am beginning to see the big picture. BPD and anyone carrying abandonment issues will be deeply codependent, and a partner as codependent as them will make them happier, doesn't mean they are that happy though!

There is a need for security in relationships for pwBPD, they often develop very narcissistic traits to feel safe. If she/he is happy, they are in complete control. My ex was cheating on her fiance with me (didn't know), I had to contact him to find out if he existed but only later found out they had got engaged. They married a few months later, he's a fool.

That red flag will come back to haunt him I am sure. They are only happy if they are secure, they are only secure when they are in control. Control is abuse

[itgetsbetter94]

Once removed, I am and only can speak from the experience.
I can quote you some things HE said about his:
mother "my mom is a wonderful person, I don't know why I can't love her";

ex "we were so different, I never loved her."

ex2 "we had many talks about why I don't love her and why I can't love her."

me "I can't tell you that I love you anymore.  I feel emptiness inside."

his new gf "I'm loosing positive feelings and becoming unsure of those feelings."

My ex was diagnosed 3 years ago with BPD, NPD, cronic depression, ahedonija, cyclotimia etc. He was hospitalized twice. He has a real, very diagnosed, strong case of BPD, not just some traits. I'm quite confident in saying that long term happiness in unsustainable for him unless he changes drastically.  Objective approach helps me with my healing, as much as putting things into prespective. No, based on everything I know about him, I don't believe he is happy or that his r/s will last.
That doesn't mean I live only to hear about their break up, I'll probably never know. Maybe they've already broken up, maybe not, who knows.

Everyone speaks from their experience and I speak from mine. So I gave an answer based on my experience.

[Shedd]

I'm actually a female.  This was a lesbian relationship.   

But yeah, I get it.  I had a moment. 

I know I will from time to time. 

I like the FAKEBOOK comment.  It's totally true.  Part of the reason I got rid of my real FB page.  I got a fake one just so I could play games still, and once in a while see her. 

I used to check her posts everyday, but now it's getting less and less. So I feel that I am improving. 

Thanks all for the comments.

[Justbecause]

I'm actually a female.  This was a lesbian relationship.   

But yeah, I get it.  I had a moment. 

I know I will from time to time. 

I like the FAKEBOOK comment.  It's totally true.  Part of the reason I got rid of my real FB page.  I got a fake one just so I could play games still, and once in a while see her. 

I used to check her posts everyday, but now it's getting less and less. So I feel that I am improving. 

Thanks all for the comments.

Sorry for the gender mix up

Leave the games to her, not playing them makes you the better person, period.