Fever has broken?

[Insom]

Hi, everyone.  I joined this forum back in April because I was feeling plagued by a spate of dreams and memories about a relationship I had when I was a teen with diagnosed person with BPD.  It's been well over twenty years since our last contact.   

There's something about this process of remembering that has felt like food poisoning as my system has vomited up memory after memory.

Anyway, I wasn't sure I'd ever get to this place, but I think I may have finally arrived at indifference.  Arrival of new memories has tapered off and emotional charge around them and BPD-ex in general has faded.  I don't know if this new state is permanent or temporary, but am feeling solid enough about it to tell you here. 

Thanks to everyone who listened to and supported me here.  I have learned a lot and am grateful.

[vanx]

Insom, I missed your story before, so I am a newcomer to your situation. I wanted to say I'm sorry for the discomfort you experienced but glad things have gotten better. Allow yourself to enjoy that things are better! You deserve some room to breathe. My advice would be to not think in terms of temporary/permanent, but rather in growing confidence that you can tolerate what comes, that pain passes. Emotions of course do tend to change, but inner growth does last.
Your post struck a chord with me because I can remember a really rough time in my life when I was haunted by bad dreams. I hope I am not projecting too much, but I do think I can relate. I also have struggled with OCD and fear of my own thoughts. Suffice it to say, your brain can be a real jerk sometimes! I know for me, I took the dreams seriously and looked for meaning in them, but now looking back, I think the dreams were just a continuation of the anxiety I was going through awake, and I didn't have the coping mechanisms to take care of myself better. Our brain can be like a dysfunctional filing system--something stressful happens, I feel depressed, I can only remember times I have failed and none when I have succeeded. I go on though, and I could be way off base from your experience.
I would say that although I know how bad thoughts can affect you, you are not defined by your dreams or memories. Keep creating new memories today of things that fulfill you. You're worth it!

[Turkish]

How do you define indifference? How did you get there? Was it time,  acceptance,  something else?

[Insom]

Hi, Vanx.    Thanks for your kind response.

"Your brain can be a real jerk sometimes!"

    Yes, I relate!  You know, in retrospect, it's interesting and probably not a coincidence that this stuff rose up in late 2016 around the time the Access Hollywood tape emerged in the U.S. election.  Initially, the dreams/memories felt super-annoying because I didn't understand why I was having them.  I felt angry with myself for having them because BPD-ex didn't earn the space he occupied in my head. And if undeserving of my thoughts and care, why was I thinking about him and how to make it stop?  I could have found a way to stuff them down again I would have.

I hear you and agree that these things aren't always meaningful.  But in this particular case, I think there was some stuff I needed to acknowledge.  I needed to look at past abuse that happened in the relationship, and family of origin stuff, and acknowledge it.

Also worth noting, like the relationship itself, the thoughts about it have an addictive quality that I don't think is super-helpful.  Trick is, I suppose, to learn what is what?  What is guidance and what is noise?

[Insom]

How do you define indifference? How did you get there? Was it time,  acceptance,  something else?

Someone else here used the word indifference on another thread and I liked it so much I turned it into my goal.  I think it means different things to different people depending on where you are in recovery. 

For me, it's meant reducing the strong emotional charge I had around memories of BPD-ex by looking at the past through a different lens and trying to understand what really happened.  When I first arrived on this forum my feelings about BPD-ex felt exaggerated.  I felt terrorized by him, and at the same time there was this feeling of yearning, like I wanted very much to talk with him. I saw him as a monster whom I also wanted to be in conversation with.  (It's possible I "painted him black."   Today I see him as a human being.  While I still think it would be interesting to have a conversation with him, I don't feel driven to create a situation that would lead to that.

There are two important things I learned on this site that have helped me very much.  One is to redirect questions I may have about other people toward myself.  Instead of wondering about him, how he is doing, what he is up to . . .  What happens if I re-direct that attention toward myself?  How am I doing?  What am I up to?  Once I understand better how I feel, is it possible to use that information to make better decisions in life?  I don't fully understand why changing this behavior has helped me so much but it has been very effective on many levels.  Life feels richer and more potential-filled, problems feel less intractable. 

The second thing, I think, is just developing better listening skills (which so many of you model so well here) and applying them with people in my family who may be dealing with similar issues.  This is helping me strengthen relationships that have frayed and has also felt very healing.  I still have a lot to work through in this area but it feels like some ice is breaking.

Also, I did some research and learned a little about trauma bonding, Stockholm syndrome and ptsd  (all of which may have applied in my case to one degree or another).  This led me to try meditation and also to apply this one DBT exercise (where you picture yourself in a movie theater and mentally say "cut" when unwanted thoughts appear).  The meditation has helped me create a sense of closure, and the DBT exercise is helping me train myself to reduce unwanted thoughts.

Anyway, what I've laid out here isn't everything that's helped, but they are the main things.

How about you?  How would you define indifference?



   

[vanx]

Wow, yes, what an insightful response to what I shared. I think you raised a really fantastic point about differentiating between what serves you and what doesn't. When you can simply observe what you are thinking and try to determine if it's useful for you, that's doing a pretty compassionate thing for yourself.
I also appreciate you clarifying for me what you took from your experience, that there was something to pay attention to. Good for you for being honest there--it will only help you.
I'm not trying to blow smoke, but I honestly am impressed by your reply to Turkish too. I don't think you need to worry about the insights you've gained not remaining.

[Turkish]

I think that your refocus on yourself is good.  Sounds like it's helping 

For me,  indifference is not being anxious by worrying about the behaviors of another,  as of I were responsible (which isn't even possible). Let the other person be the "independent entity, free to make her own choices,  no matter what you think of those choices" as my T told me years ago.  That also implies that I'm an independent entity myself,  free to make my own choices 

[Insom]

Thanks, guys.  This has felt strangely hard.  I appreciate the support. 

Great definition of indifference, by the way, Turkish.  It sounds challenging (in a good way) and I appreciate the redirection to the self.