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Author Topic: has anyone tried a closure letter just for you?  (Read 1144 times)
truthbeknown
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« on: December 07, 2017, 09:37:26 PM »

I am curious if anyone has ever sent an email to help you get closure on ones ex?

For instance, I don't think that i want to talk to her because i'm too susceptible to her charms- don't know why but i am.  However, i was curious if someone has done this and what happened when you did this?

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« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2017, 10:24:31 PM »

Yup it got all twisted around to make me feel like I was a horrible person. It was unbelievable. I should have written it here. Write what you want and post it here. We can read it and send you support.
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« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2017, 10:34:53 PM »

Hi Truthbeknown,
I have attempted to discuss issues with my ex with borderline trait, via email, although never actual closure. To me it appeared as if there was more misunderstanding communicating through emails. I prefer the face to face way -- one reason would be because one can observe body language. However if one is not sure of how their BP partner will respond, perhaps a letter telling them your feelings and saying good-bye would work. This would be closure for you. Sometimes those with BP traits can walk away without closure. In this regard I  always need to remember that my ex and I did not think alike.  If you are working with a therapist, doing closure in the office, perhaps using the empty chair method could really help. You may break down and cry but its OK, this is part of the process. I like the idea of doing this in a therapists office because it is a safe space and they are they to assist you if needed. Sometimes closure with one's BP ex is not possible.
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« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2017, 01:26:04 AM »

I tried this repeatedly and regret it. I got nothing from it and ended up just writing long emails that only showed how confused I was and would have been a treasure trove of confusion for her. They can read a sentence with disdain and convince themselves it means something else.

One of the last thing my ex sent to me was "now you're just goading me for a reaction" this was devastating to me, since I was begging her to explain what just happened, and there was a lot to explain.

If they have cut you out, they have done so convinced you are the source of their problems, and any attempt to explain to them that this is not true (very reasonable when you love someone ) would just be seen as a manipulative attempt to get them back, at least that's how she saw it I think.

The lack of closure is the reason this pain goes on so long, I am sorry for what you are going through
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« Reply #4 on: December 08, 2017, 02:15:13 AM »

No way. I know that every word I write, would be read through their disordered lens, so why bother?

I'll always wonder whether my ex wanted to give me some sort of a closure, since his last text to me was "Hey, how are you? Do you want to talk about everything once again?", but my T strongly advised me to continue NC suspecting he would try to charm me again (she is very protective of me Smiling (click to insert in post) ) and I followed her advice.

I gave myself a closure. Knowledge about the disorder gave me a closure. More that any of his words possibly could (and I highly doubt he is insightful enough to acknowledge his harmful behavior since he himself and his "illness" is his no.1 priority and was never able to respect feelings of others).

It's no surprise that letters that members sent landed on deaf ears, unfortunately.



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« Reply #5 on: December 08, 2017, 02:36:57 AM »

Thanks everyone.  The reason that i asked is that i spoke with a mutual friend yesterday.  She keeps giving me updates on my ex dating someone else. Despite telling her that i don't want to hear about this she told me.  I may have to cut her out.  My ex knows she can't keep a secret and i think is feeding her info to hurt me!

Secondly,  after that i had a moment of weakness and checked her facebook page and saw a post of the mutual friend and my ex and another friend that supposed had cut off my exgf for being insensitive and one way.  Now the three of them are back together (its like 12 yo girls fighting and getting back together).  However, because the mutual friend told me that my ex said that i didn't answer her text last month I started wondering if I did the wrong thing by not answering.  However, I did explain to the mutual friend (who i'm not considering a friend anymore because she keeps telling me about my ex) that it wasn't a text- it was an advertisement for her friends concert through messenger.  I viewed it but never replied as i had told her if she wanted to discuss "us" and having an authentic relationship to call me.  So she manipulatively reached out on Nov 1 to see if i would  respond is now using my no response to indicate that I'm doing something wrong!  she is lying and saying that she texted me when she didn't text my personal number at all. It never ends right? However, i am feeling responsible for pushing her faster toward her own void by not responding.  By going NC i all of a sudden felt like she might have waited to start her new search if I hadn't done that.  Bear with me- i can tell i'm grasping for shreds that she still would be letting this relationship peacefully dissolve before jumping back on the horse so to speak but i'd be remiss if i didn't admit that i'm in delusion land.

I realize that I am getting caught up in trying to prove that i'm not the bad guy- so i did one final stupid thing.  I made a comment on the post "nice to see the gang back together"  thinking that it would make her think of me and slow down her efforts to bed the new guy.   I can't believe i got sucked into trying to make her feel better or prove that i'm not a bad guy again when she is the one who hurt me so badly and is dating another guy.  

This threw me into a tailspin as i realized i was making some delusional attempt to keep myself in the game so that she might not sleep with him so fast.  My nervous system was fried yesterday as i pictured her doing all the same things with him as she did with me!  

I also realized that I'm holding onto to the hope that her sister will still stay fb friends with me because she knows how crazy her sister is?  Also because there is a potential to do business with the sister but it may be impossible.  My ex will just keep finding a way to lie about me.  

So I thought of writing the letter to describe why i didn't respond and try to release her lovingly without attacking her behavior or trying to even discuss it.  While she did "like" my comment on fb, she did not respond.  My mind still wants to believe that a part of her still has positive memories and that if just go into friend mode that everything will be okay?  

One of my friends said, "what value does she have to offer you?"   and "what do you get from engaging with her?"   The only value comes from me trying to prove that i'm a good guy- the value doesn't come from her.  I'm still trying to prove to her my worth and i need to stop that!  

After I realized that i was getting pulled back into this- I went from despair to being mad at myself for getting pulled into this drama again.  I really have decided to let the mutual friend go.  That will be my last conversation with her-  it is hurting me too much to talk to her.  

I have some delusional thoughts that i could be strong enough to be friends with my ex and let her date/sleep with other guys- a sort of benevolent former lover.  I thought that taking the high road would feel better to me.  I don't like "ghosting" anyone.  

So my letter would have been something like this:

Dear (her name)
I have taken these last few months to allow us both space so that we can enter into a friendship aspect of our relationship.  

I understand and am clear that we are both wanting something different then what was possible between us.   I will always treasure the times we shared together.  

keep in touch.

In friendship,

my name




I think the reason (if i did send this) was structured this way was because it is pointless to go into what she did wrong or what she told me because she will just use that to demonize me.  Maybe by accepting the role of friendship that she put me in it allows for her to stay neutral and not feel attacked.  The only downside of this kind of friendship letter is that i wonder if it absolves her of her guilt over what she did to me (although isn't that the loving thing to do?) vs making me feel like I can't stand up to her?

I'm wresting with spiritual love versus what i want to do physically.  In other words, in the spiritual sense there is always unconditional love.  However, is taking a "ghandi" approach the best approach for me?

Here's my thoughts:  1.by gently sending this maybe i feel better about how i treat her?
2. am i missing out on an opportunity to express my hurt feelings to her because i could not do that with my BPDexwife.  my exwife was suicidal so i treated her with kids gloves like this.  Maybe this is my chance to express to this one what i couldn't have said to my exwife?

What's strange is that her friend that she pushed away had told her that she was selfish etc and now they are back together.  So she takes friends back who tell her their truth after a "punishing period" but I guess i'm in a different category.
 
This messes with my head- which choice to I make etc.?






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Lost-love-mind
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« Reply #6 on: December 08, 2017, 04:09:30 AM »

Yep, most of the responses here mirror my reaction to an attempt of closure via email. I did it within the first month of The Break-Up and that was no response. I did it after 2 months after the breakup and received all sorts of vile insults from my ex BPD. Such things as I'm a complete loser for still caring and then I'm a retarded POS. Since that time many on this family board know my story of keeping open the possibility of a friendship.

Just as someone in the last post :

"One of my friends said, "what value does she have to offer you?"   and "what do you get from engaging with her?"   The only value comes from me trying to prove that i'm a good guy- the value doesn't come from her.  I'm still trying to prove to her my worth and i need to stop that!  "

Great recommendion. Leave it at that. Your validation as a " good guy" comes from within, not from her externally.

What will you possibly get out of any contact with her? Trust the posts above. You get nothing but further angst from a person with a disorder that offers little in remorse, if any.

I got nothing but further rejected via her NC and blocked on Twitter.

Proving to me that she wants nothing to do with a "mutual closure". As stated, in her distorted view it was all my fault. No responsibility for her failure to communicate her needs and emotions (she is a quiet BPD sufferer, I suspect ). Which is a symptom of that type of BPD disorder.

Go with the closure via a letter here or with your T. Good luck
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« Reply #7 on: December 08, 2017, 04:55:29 AM »

The trouble with sending them a closure letter is you will convince yourself that you need a closure letter for the closure letter and then a closure letter to get closure for the other closure letters... .

Whatever you could write, they would never understand or empathize so it’s just a waste of time, talking from experience... .
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« Reply #8 on: December 08, 2017, 05:03:34 AM »

I am curious if anyone has ever sent an email to help you get closure on ones ex?

For instance, I don't think that i want to talk to her because i'm too susceptible to her charms- don't know why but i am.  However, i was curious if someone has done this and what happened when you did this?


I wrote one immediately after the break up and detailed all the things she did that was messed up during the relationship. The cheating, violent acts towards me, and the mean things being said. The I sent the email and her response twisted everything around and she told me it was all lies and made herself to be the victim. Lesson learned... Well not exactly as we went NC and I reached out with a long text apologizing for the relationship failing and that I would be happy if we could at least be friends or maybe cordial. I sent it from another number as she had blocked me everything. Now that I'm close to 100% healing, I wish I had never sent it. I don't think sending a letter until you are healed is the right thing to do. By that time you probably wouldn't even care to send a letter because you will have seen the light. I tried to prove I was the " good guy" but at the end of the day the flying monkeys opinion's don't matter. My friends supported me and know the person I am. Getting better and not caring about who she is sleeping with or what activities she is doing with her new victim is the next step. Don't send the letter. Just vent here.
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« Reply #9 on: December 08, 2017, 05:31:19 AM »

I also can't see any good side of sending the letter.
It can only postpone your healing and undo the recovery that you reached so far. Nothing good can come out of that.
The best case scenario- you are now friends and she talks to you about her new dates, with your full consent- is still pretty darn miserable. Don't castrate yourself (friendzone intentionally). Be honest with yourself.  You still have feelings for her, miss her and hope she will see her faults and change herself, friendship status is only an attempt to hold her in your life, no matter the cost. She doesn't have your best interest in heart. If you also don't have your best interest in mind, that means, there are 2 people who don't give a crap about you, but keep HER on the pedestal. 
PwBPD all have certain dose of (malignant) narcissism, don't put your (still) bleeding and broken heart in the hands of emotionally immature little tyrant child. It won't end well.
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« Reply #10 on: December 08, 2017, 07:29:17 AM »

tbk,

You are hurting now, right?  If you hurt now, please try to imagine what it would be like to see her, have her in your life as a friend and a friend only.  To see her with other men and hear about them.  She will not think better of you for that. 

Don't inflict that kind of pain on yourself to try to escape the pain that you're in.  It will not make you feel better.  Holding on now is preventing you from moving forwards and healing the pain you feel.  I know it is hard.  We all do.  But now is the time to direct that love towards yourself.  Unless you do, you will always put yourself in this position, whether it be with her or someone else.  This is the gift of BPD.  We have the opportunity now to change the patterns in our lives and shape our futures into what we really want them to be.  So we can attract a partner who will care for us the way we care for them.  You know you're a good guy and deserve that.  She isn't capable of giving that to you. 

Being strong is hard as hell, but dig deep and you CAN get through this.  Let yourself by letting go, working through the pain and grief and we will be here every step of the way for you.

Love and light x
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« Reply #11 on: December 08, 2017, 08:55:31 AM »

Depends on what you call "a closure letter"...

Let's take this definition: some kind of letter you write at the perceived end of your "relationship" to obtain some form of closure for yourself.

Well... then I did it quite a few times:

1) after a close friendship/relationship of more than 2 years she started acting weird. I eventually decided and genuinely believed it was best to cut off all contact. I thought that was what she wanted.
Result: both she and her parents separately told me this was by no means what she wanted.

2) because 1) gave me some doubts, I asked her to talk about it. She refused and just wanted to mail and text. I kept asking for a conversation irl and when she kept making up excuses I told her in a nice way I couldn't continue our friendship like that.
Result: she ignored me from that moment, ran away when she was close, and basically was raging silently (she confirmed she was mad afterwards)

3) I thought I hurt her feelings and so I tried to re-establish contact. At one time she reacted so extraordinary childish that I said I could not understand or accept this behaviour. I said I felt like she wanted no contact so I would go no contact and she would have what she wanted.
Result: blew up in my face. She started painting me black all over the place, started rumours etc. etc.

4) in the following months she gave me some hope and there was some sort of contact, including messages which somewhat sounded like 'I am sorry' without actually  saying sorry.
But it was a roller-coaster ride, because she would continue her painting black behind my back.
After some more months I wrote her I truly appreciated our friendship and I did everything in my power to help her. I asked her to remember me fondly and wished her all the best.
Result: she seemed to split white again. All was kinda good for a short while

5) She never wanted to talk about the weird changes in behaviour, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Until she started attacking/accusing me totally out of the blue. I asked her to talk about it. We never had that face to face talk.
This time I sent her a really long email explaining who I am, where I come from etc. NO negativity whatsoever regarding her.
Result: she replied she understood, she suddenly started greeting me loudly again, she congratulated me etc etc.

6) this did not last all too long though. She fell back in the same pattern. I asked her if she wanted to cut off all contact this time. After a while she replied in a very odd way. But she confirmed what I wrote.
I simply said that this was too bad, I said I appreciated our friendship and wished her all the best.

Result: this final time I never heard from her since. (2 months ago)

Did I obtain closure? Hell no! :-(
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« Reply #12 on: December 08, 2017, 09:25:14 AM »

If you also don't have your best interest in mind, that means, there are 2 people who don't give a crap about you, but keep HER on the pedestal. 
PwBPD all have certain dose of (malignant) narcissism, don't put your (still) bleeding and broken heart in the hands of emotionally immature little tyrant child. It won't end well.

Great advice! I had to laugh at the "emotionally immature little tyrant child" comment. That fit my ex to the letter. LOL So true
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« Reply #13 on: December 08, 2017, 09:59:30 AM »

We need to work in the interest of ourselves.
Once we know that illness is at play, the picture changes. For me the luster of my ex has changed. I don't see him the same way any more, and while I still love him, and have empathy for him because I can imagine the confusion within him, my number 1 priority is me and me only.

Therapy, a good support system, socializing, enjoying the world that God has given me, walking my own path, and cutting him out of my life because I do not want the chaos he now symbolizes despite all of the wonderful moments that we spent together, is the only way to get back what we have lost.

So, give yourself a gift this Xmas season and concentrate on you, you will heal and go down a healthier path.

Someone writing a post previously mentioned the gift that BPD gives us. And yes, a clear picture is the gift and the opportunity to be free and healthy. Take your life into your own hands don't place it in someone elses.

Be strong.  Better days will come.
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« Reply #14 on: December 08, 2017, 12:22:16 PM »

I've sent out a couple of semi-long mails to my ex to get some sort of closure. We lived together and she left me out of nowhere, painted me black and then she started NC with me, ignoring my tries to talk with her about us.

She's undiagnosed, but has many traits of BPD. She knows she has issues, especially anxiety problems.

The context of my e-mails contained some thoughts from my perspective, what I did wrong (you're two in a relationship, no NON's here have acted perfect), thoughts about her well being. I adressed the fact that I know she often feels very bad mentally, and that I was there for her to help her through it. That I loved her.

I understand that this isn't anything she's doing with purpose, I still do care for her and I want her to get better.  

I never got an answer, she's still pushing that NC to the limits. My advice would be to don't write them any letter at all. Write one, then burn it up. The only time the BPD will be susceptible to a letter is when they've stopped painted you black. Otherwise you can just send it to a complete stranger instead, the letter will have NO EFFECT, like in my case. And you not getting a response is more damaging in the long term. The underlying reason for us trying to send a letter is simply because we love them still, and we are hurting.
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« Reply #15 on: December 08, 2017, 12:32:00 PM »

i have never once received a letter from an ex that opened my eyes, made me reconsider getting back into the relationship, or that i felt sounded like anything other than hurt they were expressing and expecting me to take away. if anything, it reinforced my decision, and made the ex sound like a spurned lover.

im not sure its realistic to expect anything else from someone with whom our relationships have ended.

there is, however a lot of therapeutic value in writing these types of letters, not sending them, sharing them here.
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« Reply #16 on: December 08, 2017, 01:30:42 PM »

I mean e-mails. I never sent a real letter, which I have been thinking of. But I'm glad I never did. I wrote one when I was drunk, then in the morning waking up I shred it to pieces.
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« Reply #17 on: December 08, 2017, 06:01:24 PM »

I am going to go no contact with the mutual friend.  I think that I was doing well before my conversation with her. She's a little BPD in her own right while the ex is more NPD.   either way it's still personality disorder.  Today i felt better after reading all the responses and realizes that i don't really want her back i want her illusion that we had in the beginning back.  But since i didn't get invited to the wedding, i could never see her as someone that i trust with my heart again.  I think that because i made a mistake making a comment on her fb page that i was wondering if just sending a note would explain my position.

I guess she'll have to figure it out herself. She probably doesn't care anyway.  But I recognize that i do have to take care of my heart and now that i know she's gone to "the dark side" I have to accept that i can't bring her back - look what happened to Harrison Ford in his last Star War movie- (trying to save someone who is psychopathic is never a good idea.)  Still can't believe she didn't value me for being the only one in her family who didn't call her crazy (her sister calls her psycho and got her psycho tea which really bothered her).

well thanks again for all the support!  I love you guys for being here for each other - it's truly nice to feel your caring.  I just wanted you to know that even if our borderlines can't accept recognize that- I can recognize in you.  Thanks again.
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« Reply #18 on: December 09, 2017, 03:25:35 PM »

Interesting insights.
I sent the "desperate, needy clingy email " seven days ago before this thread was started.
Wish I didnt for all the reasons stated.
Why?
Because her Twitter was not blocked from me for 3 mos (it is now). I held out hope for at least a friendship. Why? Yes, to get a foot back in the door?
Why?
The idealization stage was so intense. Unlike any drug ever experienced before.
The whole experience was a way to learn about my own defect of seeking validation from others, particularly a woman.
Now I realize her representation of being "souls together" was an illusion.
Learning to be ready if and when the next r/s starts to fast, to see the red flags
Thanks and be safe.
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« Reply #19 on: December 09, 2017, 06:09:26 PM »

I did an imaginary closure in my mind today.  I read something about Conscious Uncoupling in romantic relationships and I'm all for that.  It basically is a mature way of saying goodbye or even giving each other time to heal from the relationship and then becoming or staying friends if both choose to do so.
The premise is that both parties just agree that things aren't working out and nobody is at fault etc but sometimes these things happen.  Ultimately, i think one person usually chooses to get out of the relationship.  From my experience, even in non BPD couples, there is a theme in society right now of "disposable relationships" .  More people seem to want to be serial monogomist and move from one relationship to another.  Why?  I think selfishness or consumed with self is driving this.   

So anyway, i imagined how she could have handled a break up if she was not disordered.  It was mature it was caring and it allowed for options on my part.  For example, i imagined that she said, "my name, I really care for you and i do love you but i have a conflict.  I was in a 20 year marriage and i am afraid of being close to one person right now.  I don't know if i'll ever get married or live with someone again and i know you are not pressuring me for that but when i make love to you or get close to you i want that too but then i get anxious and scared and want to push you away.  So rather then hurt you, I want to take a break and go my own way for awhile.  I am interested in going out with a variety of men as just friends and I will tell them as such.  But i do want to keep in touch in whatever capacity you can.  If this hurts you too much or is too confusing then i understand if you have to pull away and take care of yourself.  I won't be mad.  Just let me know what is best for you.    We can even arrange to touch base every few months just because we care about each other?

This week i want to spend time with you, and go out and have fun.  You invited me to stay with you and i will if that won't be too hurtful for you.  }

I thought i might have been able to handle a mature conversation like that.  Even though it still would have been sad and hard at least I would have felt good that she was speaking her true feelings about being afraid etc rather then this cloak and dagger stuff or first sleeping with me and then doing that to make it feel like rejection.  Also, this scenario would not have included her triangulating me with her ex and and the other guy that she called out of the blue after not speaking to him for one year.  But the lying and manipulations are what is hurtful.  So this is my closure and i thank you all for getting me to realize that she will just keep manipulating.  She must have lied to her sister now because her sister stopped liking fb posts of mine but we'll see.  anyway, it's done.

Today i focused on what i want in a partner: her  behavior is not on my list so i could never get back with this version of her.  The original version has died and I've said my prayers for that part.  I think it's lost forever.

Goodbye- her name
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« Reply #20 on: December 09, 2017, 07:25:37 PM »

Coming to that decision is tough, but you're taking steps for yourself that are tangible, and that is great.  Onward and upward from here.  Feel proud of yourself for putting your future happiness first.  The closure process and focusing on what you want in a partner both sound really positive for you.  Thanks for sharing about this and be sure to let us know how this helps you from here on in.  Stay strong.

Love and light x   
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« Reply #21 on: December 10, 2017, 07:48:07 AM »

I did an imaginary closure in my mind today.  I read something about Conscious Uncoupling in romantic relationships and I'm all for that.  It basically is a mature way of saying goodbye or even giving each other time to heal from the relationship and then becoming or staying friends if both choose to do so.
The premise is that both parties just agree that things aren't working out and nobody is at fault etc but sometimes these things happen.  Ultimately, i think one person usually chooses to get out of the relationship.  From my experience, even in non BPD couples, there is a theme in society right now of "disposable relationships" .  More people seem to want to be serial monogomist and move from one relationship to another.  Why?  I think selfishness or consumed with self is driving this.   

So anyway, i imagined how she could have handled a break up if she was not disordered.  It was mature it was caring and it allowed for options on my part... .
I
thought i might have been able to handle a mature conversation like that.  Even though it still would have been sad and hard at least I would have felt good that she was speaking her true feelings about being afraid etc rather then this cloak and dagger stuff or first sleeping with me... .

Today i focused on what i want in a partner: her  behavior is not on my list so i could never get back with this version of her.  The original version has died and I've said my prayers for that part.  I think it's lost forever.


Excellent. Same sentiment if possible. Never heard of premise "Conscious Uncoupling". Is there any woman that mature? Whether non or pwBPD?
My informal poll of females (both friends and new acquaintances) indicate that the growing onset of e-communication (online dating, texting and emails) allow disposable relationships to grow in popularity.
That is why I'm off of any online dating sites and go by the theory of attending functions that I'm interested in intellectually. Thus hopefully meeting a similarly functioning intellectual woman. We will let everyone know how that works.
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« Reply #22 on: December 10, 2017, 11:13:16 AM »

Why do you think this applies only to women? Or do you think it's everyone?
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« Reply #23 on: December 10, 2017, 03:43:33 PM »

Why do you think this applies only to women? Or do you think it's everyone?
I'm sorry, just personalized to my situation and leftover skepticism and anger.
Of course, it applies to both men and women.
Please, no mysoginist intent.
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« Reply #24 on: December 10, 2017, 07:17:02 PM »

we need to start a date site for people who have had BPD or npd relationships with people as a prescreening for going out with fellow empathetic and good people.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Responding to the 'disposable relationships" point - yeah it seems like a scary time to date and try to find a partner.  Wish there was some magic formula

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« Reply #25 on: December 10, 2017, 09:32:35 PM »

I'm sorry, just personalized to my situation and leftover skepticism and anger.
Of course, it applies to both men and women.
Please, no mysoginist intent.

Thanks for the clarification. I guess I asked partly to remind people that it isn't about women or men. Myself included. I periodically have to remind myself not to be bitter about men.
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« Reply #26 on: December 10, 2017, 11:01:59 PM »

I don't even know what closure is. If somebody put me on the spot to define it, I couldn't. I don't handle goodbyes very well in life in general. I never have. I used to get depressed as a kid when family would leave town after visiting for a few weeks.

I have written no less than 10 emails to my BPDexgf, but never sent them. I re-read them the following day, then delete them. Every single one, in hindsight, would have been a mistake to send.

When I think of why I would ever send something I have to be honest with myself that it would be because I was hoping for a response. But in my case there is really nothing that she could ever do to repair the relationship. I have no trust in her at all. The painful reality that it's over forever is what hurts so bad.
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« Reply #27 on: December 10, 2017, 11:08:29 PM »

Tried closure for the 1st month after it was over, she declined any contact, then continued sporadic contact from emails to calling me at 2 am and us talking for 4 hours, which I falsely believed that she may be reconsidering.  WRONG.  Offered friends, nope.  Aquaintences, nope. Email chats once a month or so , nope.  I never called her after the 1st 2 months yet she would call/email at her choice for the next 1.5 years, had mutual friends who said she still loved me, reality said otherwise.  So I can say the massive time I spent trying everything including spending $1,000 to fly to meet her for lunch and return the same day, she said nope, all resulted in NO CLOSURE.  Just my story, but seems a high % of us never get the closure, its just not on the BPDs roadmap.
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