Bdp boyfriend just diagnosed

[Roar1211]

I have been in a relationship for two years with someone recently diagnosed with BPD. I’m just looking for support. He forgets entire fights we have and told me recently he has been experiencing black outs for quite a few years. I’m guessing since his late teens. I went 2 years of spending almost every day with him and I had no idea he was forgetting so much, although looking back he had told me he didn’t remember large chunks of time. I thought it was because he was high but he’s been sober now for a year with the exception of two weeks. I’m getting better at dealing with his blackouts and setting firm boundaries but he’s usually extremely hard to interact with during these times. He mostly accuses me of cheating on him to the point of absurdity. Idk any suggestions on how to deal when he’s in a blackout would be helpful. Also, he has agreed to go to therapy, as it is a condition of me continuing to live with him and it will be the first time he’s told a therapist he blacks out. How can I support him? Are there ways to minimize setting him off without sacrificing my own life? Even when I do stay home with him he still gets suspicious and my world just keeps getting smaller. I’m doing terrible in school and I have had to call out of work, cancel plans with friends. My own depression is worse than ever and I feel so responsible for keeping him well. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Roar1211,

There are so many things here that can help you I don't even know where to start!  

The communication tools on this site can make a big difference - some of them very quickly, others it takes time to learn. I am sorry to hear about these black outs. This sounds serious! My partner also has a terrible memory and seems to forget quite a lot, but I wonder what the doctor will say about your partner. Is he just missing bits of memory? What does this look like exactly? I'm no professional I should say, just highly interested in making sense of this along with you!

I am glad you are here and strongly encourage you to engage the community. Being isolated and depressed is not a good place to be - so do come here and let us know how things are going. We are here to share and provide support and understanding for you. There is no need to face these challenges alone in life! We're here!

Since you mention jealousy I will point you to this resource for now: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=317660.0

It is really, really important that you maintain your sense of self and not lose pieces of your life. Your schooling is extremely important, okay? Let me tell you from experience, keep this a priority in life. It will give you more options and more freedom that is really important to have, okay?  

As many others have said, you are not responsible for this illness. You didn't create it. But hopefully, you will learn from the readings and community here how to at least not make things worse, and there is hope you can make things better - even if it is just you improving yourself and how you feel about things.

May I ask which BPD traits they said your partner has? My partner has not been diagnosed and does not have all the traits. (He may also have other mental issues.)

wishing you well, pearlsw.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome ,

I'm so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. YOu've found a great place for support.

Blackouts sound scary. I have a lot of questions to try to get a better understanding of what is going on with the blackouts.

Are you able to tell when he is blacking out?
Are they anger blackouts?
How does he behave during these times?
What do you do when this happens?
Are you safe when he blacks out?
Is there a build up to the blackouts?

[Roar1211]

Thank you both so much for your replies! I’m still figuring out how to use the site so sorry forctheclatecreply. About the blackouts, I’m not sure how often they’ve actually occurred or why, but ik both times his parents came to visit he went into a blackout shortly after they left. He was insane, moods all over the place, contracting himself and he ended up relapsing. I’m not sure if the relapses cause the blackout or the blackouts cause the relapse. Looking back on it now, once a month he would push me away. Basically he’s tell me he couldn’t trust me and wanted to break up. You can imagine my distress when yesterday everything had been great. He told me he doesn’t remember any of the fights. I’m not sure if he’s trying to avoid responsibility or if he truly doesn’t remember. Honestly, I think he doesn’t remember. Once I remind him he remembers more clearly but he told me it’s just bits and pieces. He says the most aweful things. It’s so hurtful and prior to his diagnoses I thought I had done something wrong in order for him to speak like that to me. The problem I’m having now is I really feel like the relationship isn’t based in reality. It’s hatder to enjoy when he’s being loving knowing the next day he could be so hateful. I know that he means it when he says he loves me, bit I’m thinking he Also means it when he says he hates me. It sucks so much to hear from someone you love and share all these experiences with and just time with tell you they’ve been unhappy for the past year. Ik opinions can change very rapidly and this is an example of it, but if his opinions change so much then how does he even know how he really feels about me? Also I’d he doesn’t know who he is then how does he know he wants a committed relationship with me. I wonder if him accusing me of cheating is him projecting because he’s cheating. I feel like I’ll bever know for sure because he is very good at hiding things. I’m pretty sure last week he relapsed because I finally called his parents to let them know how bad it was and they told me he’d been taking lots of money out which is a sign he’s using. I’ve asked him point blank over 15 times and he maintains he’s been sober. But he doesn’t deny it when I mention it casually and not in a confrontational way. Anyways, I wonder if my demand on him to be who I want him to be is making things worse. I’m getting to an age where I’m thinking about long term commitment and starting a family, and I’m not shy about letting him know that. He’s always seemed like he wants that in a few years but I don’t know if that would be a possibility when I think about how our relationship really has been functioning. There’s no way he could be counted on in his mental state. He is a good worker and he’s really personable and bright but he’s also all over the place, and sometimes he has the worst OCD and I feel like kids would just make him angry if they messed up the house or did what kids do. We aren’t married and I’m really questioning if I should just cut ties with the whole relationship. I don’t want to give up on him but now I realize this is something that tales a long time to get better and he has to be committed to getting better, I don’t really see him making a huge effort. He went back to a therapist, but idk what he told her. He often is dishonest in therapy and enjoys fooling them, which is not helping him. Also, after all our fighting he promised to go to therapy 3 times a week. He only has gone once and it looks like he’s only go once this week too. I can’t keep going through this. the other day he threatened suicide and I had to pull him back from the balcony which is 20 feet high multiple times. Not even a week later he tells me he’s forgotten about the whole week from hell  and it feels like it was 10 years ago. To clarify he was psychotic for 2 weeks during which time our couples therapist told me he was boarderline, I think because I was going through crises whether I should leave him or not. Anyways, I know he could be stable a few months, but I’m not sure. He could be raging at me tomorrow. I know I’m not responsible for his moods but I’m always walking on egg shells and trying to keep him stable, and he sees nothing wrong with demanding all my time and energy, even when I’m trying frantically to make up all the work for my classes that I missed due to arguments. It takes a lot of control for him to act supportive and even when he’s letting me get my ___ done he always throws in something to maintain control, like I have to go get him a certain grocery item or do the laundry or clean up the house even though we split our rent and bills evenly. I won’t even get started on how many times he’s asked me to pay more than we agreed on. Anyways, if you have advice on setting boundaries and reclaiming your life, please let me know. And if anyone can give me insight into how he actually feels, is he just really confused? Is he capable of not being selfish and loving someone or is that just not possible at this point in time? Thank you

[Roar1211]

Sorry just to add, yes I can tell when he’s in a blackout this sounds really odd but his eyes change color and he won’t make eye contact. I have historically argued with him, I try to get him to look at me, I try to remind him that yesterday we were fine, he is unreachable and sometimes I go into full blown panic attacks (I have abandonment issues) I see since he’s BPD that an emotional reaction probably is not the best thing but on occasion my panic attacks has lifted him out of his rage. Also he paces, turns off lights, puts his head down and bounces between being hysterical to logical, he can be either really mean but in a witty way, like he knows exactly what to say to really hurt me and then he can basically have a tantrum like a two year old, then become very docile. This past episode lasted almost 2 weeks with only one day where he was loving. Also, he was never physically threatening until our last fight, and he really hurt me. He slammed my head against a wall and then punched me in the face. He also jammed my finger. I was terrified and in shock. He took my keys and my phone so I ran out of the apartment and went to the neighbors, then he followed me begging me not to leave... .so usually it takes something happening for him to switch back to being loving. So I guess short answer I’m probably not safe but I have a number to call if he gets suicodal and I already decided if he threatens me physically or hits me I will call the cops. When he gets into a rage I keep my phone and keys on me at all times no matter the intensity because ik it can change in seconds. So yeah it’s been pretty much hell and now I know this most likely will not be the last rage, I’m questioning weather I want to deal with it again