He's doing better ... is that enough of a reason to stay?

[Foolishwizdom]

my dBPDh and I have been separated (not living together) for a year. In July I moved into an apartment by myself instead of the big house we had been sharing. We've been mostly amicable through the separation (thought he had some spells around the move to the apartment)

He started driving professionally going long hauls over the road about 2 months after we separated. It has forced him into some independence, simplified his life, and resulted in him calling a lot.

In September, his mother got diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I went to be with his parents since he was driving.

The past few months have brought deep conversations with him, his parents, and between my therapist and I.  In some ways, it feels like progress. In other ways, it feels like I've just resigned myself to care taking.

Today I had coffee with an acquaintance that I haven't seen in at least a year. And we had adult conversation, it was comfortable, and his eyes were deep and brown. I could have melted on the inside. This is part of what made me see the dynamic with my husband differently. At least from surface level, here was an experience where someone was not asking me to caretake and I could feel the difference.

We weren't flirting, nothing happened, we just talked and joked. But I'm
just wondering - am I crazy? 

[Turkish]

First,  I'll admit that the mother of my children left me for another guy. 

That being said,  I don't doubt you shared a connection with your friend.  You felt something that was and is lacking in your marriage.  That's even more understandable,  given your loneliness. 

A very senior member here once said,  "you can't fix your problem with one person with a completely different person.  It's impossible."

That struck me as I was struggling to move forward. 

T

[formflier]

just wondering - am I crazy? 

No... .you are not crazy.  Your short story struck me as incredibly insightful and reflective, which... .to me... .seems very healthy.

I would encourage you to discuss all of this with your T since so much nuance can be lost in an online format.

You had an "emotional experience" which was really different and that you liked a lot.  Instead of impulsively acting on that experience, you are considering what it "means" for your life.

Do I have that about right?

A note about caretaking.  I would encourage you to also discuss caretaking versus "enabling" with your T.

"Resigning yourself to caretaking" struck me as having very mixed feelings.  I think caretaking is good while enabling is "bad". 

So... I saw it as "I'm saddened I'm only going to do good things for the rest of my r/s".  I would guess there is some resentment in there because in times when you needed care... .you likely got unpleasant treatment.  Do I have that about right?

Please keep posting so we can learn more of your story. 

Thank you for caring enough about your in-laws to go be with them in their time of need.  The world needs more people like you! 

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Nope, not crazy. You're seeing that there are other levels of connection you can have that you aren't getting through your relationship.

I had a similar experience with a friend's husband, who was doing some work on our property. We can so easily talk about politics--on and on and we're on the same page and we enjoy each other's sense of humor. And he's very cute.

The other day he told me that his wife is oblivious about some of the topics we talk about and I saw the DANGER, DANGER sign in my head. Maybe it was just the way he said that, but eeeeew--got to slam on the brakes.

I certainly don't want her to feel threatened or uncomfortable around me and I started thinking she was feeling that way. And no way do I want to threaten either marriage.

She's told me some backstory about him and he definitely has confronted his demons (alcohol) so even being that friendly with him seems a bit dangerous. He's finished his work here, so our paths won't cross frequently, so that's a good thing.

What this reveals to me is that I miss being able to have such a fun and easy conversation with a man. It's sad that I don't have that with my husband, though I try.