In tears and yearning to hear his voice talk normal again

[Summer67]

Hello all,
I'm in tears, it's Monday morning and I just can't go to work.
Last Wednesday everything was so wonderful, my lover had made food and we were playing Christmas songs and talking about where to buy a tree. And then during dinner he exploded with rage and threw stuff around and left. Came back the next day, smashed a window, screaming and shouting. Since then I've received endless nasty hurtful text messages and phone calls with just shouting. I don't understand what happened and I feel that I'm going crazy. I yearn to hear his normal, sweet, loving voice again. I already send a message back suggesting we'd forget the nightmare and go back to normal. I can't believe this is happening. During the weekend I was searching online for answers and found this website. I believe BPD might be his problem, combined with alcoholism. Could it be that there was too much love & happiness, is that a problem for BPD? I miss him so much, want him back so badly, to feel his love again, but also terrified of the violence.
Please share some thoughts. Summer67

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Enabler]

Hey Summer,

Welcome to bpdfamily. That sounds terrifying, are you okay, do you feel safe and have you managed to get the window fixed? There's a wealth of information here and so so so many lovely people with masses of experience. It might be BPD, it might not and probably at this stage it's less important. Many if not all of the members of bpdfamily have experience in a whole range of relationship challenges and you've come to the right place to help yourself work out what's gone on and what you want to do about it.

It's always super helpful if you can give us a bit of information about the evolution of the relationship, any other moments you care to mention that you think might be important. Is there anything going on with him at the moment that you feel might be relevant? Christmas can be a trigger for many people, it can be a stressful period and also bring back memories from a long time ago.

Look forward to hearing from you,

Enabler

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Summer,

I"m sorry that you are hurting right now. What happened during dinner that caused such a huge fight?

[SlyQQ]

There are many things that can set off someone with BPD.

Ironically from the limited information, it seems you were drawing to close.

The closer or more intimate you get with someone with BPD the greater there abandonment fears become, because
they value you more, this will escalte to a stage where a forced devaluation becomes inevitable, truly catch 22.

There is really nothing you can do about it and it could become particularly nasty far worse than a broken window and some yelling, beware take stock and do not try to engage him anyway emotionally it will likely make matters worse,
after 4 to 12 months it might cool off for him to make some tentative steps but he will blame you for threatening him, if you want to continue the relationship keep him at arms length,

[Summer67]

Hello again,
thank you for reading, and the replies. During the dinner nothing had really happened, the rage just suddenly came up. I had been away to a conference two weeks before, and apparently he had missed me very much. In the two weeks after I came back he had four outbursts of anger, and was drunk quite often. @SlyQQ your comments make a lot of sense, about coming closer and more intimate, and then the fear of abandonment becoming greater. Actually I was about to send him a text message tonight, just something kind. But I probably shouldn't. I just miss him terribly, feel so desperate. I understand that time and distance is the most safe thing to do right now but it breaks my heart.
summer

[Meili]

How are things going Summer?

[Summer67]

Hello Meili,

thank you for reaching out. Tonight is terrible, I just can't stop crying. Last weekend I did send my ex bf a message, something very casual, but he never responded. I have spoken to both his former best friend and his two brothers, and all of them tell me how his sudden aggressive outbursts have been a pattern in all his romantic relationships. He is the sweetest, funniest, most special and loving person - but then all of a sudden he becomes a monster. They all advise me to take my loss and get on with my life, as he is a psychiatric case, and an alcoholic, and I will never be able to help him.

Another horrible fact that I am facing is that his presence in my house has made my 18 year daughter decide to move out, two months ago, and go live with her father. She does not want to speak to me anymore.

I feel that I let him mess up my whole life - and there was nothing I could do about it. I usually see myself as a strong, independent person, well-educated, with a good job etc. But somehow this person turned everything around. While he is the one who struggles with debts, can't keep a job, can't pay for his rent, insurance, car and has a pile of unopened envelopes sitting on his kitchen table. But still I was crazy with happiness to be with him, and I was sure we could fix it all, together... .

What a mess. Summer.

[Meili]

If you read enough threads around here, you'll quickly realize that you are far from alone in what you are describing. I wrote entire threads on the subject.

What I, and many others, came to realize is that we cannot fix them, but we can create a situation in which the relationship can be saved and move forward. It only takes one person to change the dynamics and start the process of healing the relationship. A few words of caution though: If you are only interested in healing the relationship and not yourself during the process it won't work and you will eventually fail.

Have you read about what it takes to be in one of these relationships? If not, it's a real good place to start. When we know what we are up against, we can better plan and prepare so that we can protect ourselves.

I also want to say that people who have never been in a relationship like this do not understand, how could they? I learned to stop talking to others who didn't understand. It seemed to do more harm than good.