Introduction and first baby steps towards help

[frustratedmum]

Hello everyone, I am recently married (less than 1 year) and my step daughter moved in with us about a year ago. I didn't realize the extent of her mental issues until our first big blowup about 8 months ago. She has now been diagnosed with BPD. She turned 18 not long ago and because we wanted to ground her from her cell phone, she has left and moved in with her grandmother. She is still in high school, in her senior year and is currently failing classes she needs to graduate. This has been really hard on my new marriage to the point I left. I have come back to my home since dh wants to start counselling to work on us and find support to deal with his daughter. He is very much an enabler and when i set rules for her he doesn't back them up and lets his daughter get away with anything. Its very frustrating. So now i am the horrible step mum for trying to enforce the rules. Any advise or comfort is appreciated. We will start our first therapy session this week.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hi Frustratedmum... .and welcome.

It is hard enough being the biological parent of someone who exhibits BPD behaviours... .and it must be even harder when you are the step-parent.  Added to this is the fact that you and your husband are newlyweds.  Wow!  That in itself is a major adjustment.

My husband and I have been married for over 55 years now and we have not always been on the same page when it came to dealing with our children... .especially with our daughter who shows all the signs of BPD.  Her dad could do no wrong... .yet I was the one she came to when she needed help.  Our marriage has come to the brink more than once... .and our saga continues.

You mention in your post that your step-daughter has moved in with her grandmother.  Do you consider this to be a safe place for her?  If so, it gives you and your husband time to catch your breath.

Frustratedmum, I think it is great that your husband is wanting the two of you to go to counselling.  There is nothing to lose but much to gain... .especially if this counsellor is familiar with BPD.

I so wish the two of you well and I sincerely hope that you are able to weather through these storms.

I encourage you to keep posting.  It gives you a chance to "vent" and not be judged... .and there is support.  None of our stories are the same... .but there are similarities that link us together.

You need a (HUG).

[frustratedmum]

Hi Frustratedmum... .and welcome.

You mention in your post that your step-daughter has moved in with her grandmother.  Do you consider this to be a safe place for her?  If so, it gives you and your husband time to catch your breath.

Yes, it is a safe place for her to be right now. And you are so right about being able to catch our breath. It seems like we haven't been able to do that since we were married.

The problem with her living with her grandmum is she is 18 and still in an high school, so she is missing out on school right now. So she may have to repeat this year again when (if) she comes back home to us. We had to put her in summer school last year just so she could pass to the next grade level. Thank you so much on your post. It helps me knowing there are other families going through this and congrats on the 55 year long marriage! That gives me a lot of hope in all of this. 

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Frustratedmum,

I'm not sure where you are but can she take the GED or your country''s equivalent rather than having to repeat a grade? We did that with our daughter, she never would have graduated otherwise.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. My husband and I adopted a then 17 year old that I had volunteered with for a couple of years about 2 years into our marriage. It has been very difficult on us and I so understand how you are feeling. I'm glad you're able to get some space to yourselves for a while at least.

I would consider looking into something like codependents anonymous for you and your husband. That along with counseling could really help him (and you ) enforce the boundaries you need and feel OK doing it.

I hope that being on here helps you feel less alone and I hope that counseling helps you and your husband.

[frustratedmum]

Just for an update on my situation, step daughter is back with us. She is back in school again. I think she may still graduate school as she only needs one credit to do so. But other than that, things are pretty much the same. We are going to a counselor for family counseling. I am hoping things get better.