Tired of Being a Doormat to Keep the Peace- help?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey, it's me again.
With the holidays coming up, I'm heading home to be with my family- and dreading every moment until then. It got me thinking today that I really do act like a doormat in an attempt to keep the peace at the house whenever my BP mother project/splits/goes all Mr. Hyde. The problem is, I've realized lately that this has extended into every other aspect of my life, most notably my work. People describe me as 'very non-confrontational', which I am. I tend to just go along with whatever my team comes up with, not because I like it, but because it doesn't require confrontation. I think that might be part of my PTSD resulting with living with my BP mother for so many years. But this being a doormat isn't me. It's not very becoming of me, either... .

So I've got a question for you all. How the heck do I confront my BP mother or establish boundaries or change myself or something? I've read up about having boundaries, but whenever I try to establish these I fail so hard, it's not even funny. Everything just seems to end in ruin... .Everything I do seems to end in ruin... .

I'd never really realized until lately how badly my growing up with a BP in the home really shaped my character. I hate that. I hate not ever being able to speak up because of fear. It wasn't until high school that I realized not everyone is as angry/out of control as my own mother is... .

I'm just... .feeling a bit... .worthless. I'm tired of not being able to change. I'm tired of my mother being this way. I'm tired of me being this way, all traumatized and sadsack-like and unable to disagree with anyone about anything for fear of confrontation and backlash. Any suggestions/help?

[SilverNight]

Hey, it's me again.
With the holidays coming up, I'm heading home to be with my family- and dreading every moment until then. It got me thinking today that I really do act like a doormat in an attempt to keep the peace at the house whenever my BP mother project/splits/goes all Mr. Hyde. The problem is, I've realized lately that this has extended into every other aspect of my life, most notably my work. People describe me as 'very non-confrontational', which I am. I tend to just go along with whatever my team comes up with, not because I like it, but because it doesn't require confrontation. I think that might be part of my PTSD resulting with living with my BP mother for so many years. But this being a doormat isn't me. It's not very becoming of me, either... .

So I've got a question for you all. How the heck do I confront my BP mother or establish boundaries or change myself or something? I've read up about having boundaries, but whenever I try to establish these I fail so hard, it's not even funny. Everything just seems to end in ruin... .Everything I do seems to end in ruin... .

I'd never really realized until lately how badly my growing up with a BP in the home really shaped my character. I hate that. I hate not ever being able to speak up because of fear. It wasn't until high school that I realized not everyone is as angry/out of control as my own mother is... .

I'm just... .feeling a bit... .worthless. I'm tired of not being able to change. I'm tired of my mother being this way. I'm tired of me being this way, all traumatized and sadsack-like and unable to disagree with anyone about anything for fear of confrontation and backlash. Any suggestions/help?

[Struggles]

Hi SilverNight,

I complete understand how you feel about being a doormat; because I also have been all of my life.  I am so non confrontational and go along to get along type.  I can think of exactly 3 situations in my life that I actually took up for myself and they were all after years of being treated like crap, that I finally would stand up for myself.

It’s such a hard thing to do, for people like us.  Makes you wonder how some people thrive on drama and confrontation.  I can’t stand it.  But I can tell you, after each of those 3 times actually having to stand up for myself, I came out a little stronger and little better equip to stand up for myself and essentially others as well. 

Don’t beat yourself up about not being confrontational.  That is in some cases a very good quality, I wish more people in this world had that quality.  But instead, people take advantage of it all too often. 

I know you are tired of it all, going through it your whole life.  I’ve only went through it for 13 yrs with my BPD MIL and it’s dragged me down so badly.  I think the thing I have had to realize is that I cannot control her actions, only the way I let myself react to them. 

That is tough though, but I’m still trying to learn how to do that.  I think it’s so rough because a BPDs actions don’t just effect them, but the ones that are closest to them. 

Setting boundaries is hard, and if you do get ready to set them, prepare yourself for a lot of push back.  But, you do need to set them for your own sanity.  It will be extremely hard at first, but once you continue to enforce your boundaries I believe you will be much happier for it. 

I dread the holidays too, and it shouldn’t be that way for any of us.

Keep posting and let us know how you are!  Safe travels, keeping you in my thoughts for this upcoming visit with your mom. 

[Panda39]

Hi SilverNight,

I'm short on time but did have a thought.  I also for a long time avoided confrontation and because I was unable to ask for what I wanted or what I needed I would end up resentful and angry.

I had a friend with a confrontation style that I liked... .very diplomatic and I actually used her as a model and began in small ways asking for what I needed/wanted and as Struggles mentioned once you do it, you get better at it, and you get more confident doing it.  You still might get a 'no' or negative response but there is still something empowering in giving your opinion and perspective on something,

Is there maybe someone you know that has a confrontation style that you admire that you could try to emulate?

Phrases that I learned... .My concern is... .I think the issue is... .I see what you are saying, but have you thought about?... .I'm working on a high priority task I can work on your job (whatever time works for you) or you might want to ask so&so if they can help... .I have several tasks I'm working on let me meet with my boss so we can prioritize my workload including your project... .

Panda39

[ProudDad12]

Hi,

I don't have any smart words to give, as I just joined to get help myself, but at least wanted to let you know you aren't alone! I'm also an incredibly non-confrontational person. In fact that's why it's taken me until my late 30's to even begin standing up for myself against my family. After I got married and had kids, my protective instincts kicked in since it wasn't just about me anymore. Though I still deal with being non-confrontational day to day.

I've learned there's no winning in arguing or trying to explain your side. At least in my case, blind defense and sensitivity to the feelings of the BPD family member blinds everyone else. After talking to friends and my therapist, the approach I'm trying to take is disengagement. I've had friends who have had success with it. Others had success with the mere threat of it. But it's not easy, especially if your family insists the problem is you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is consider disengaging. Even if temporarily. And do not go into much detail to why, the more words you give provides more words to twist. This puts you in control of what you can control. And use what support you have to remind yourself you aren't worthless.

For the record, I'm saying this to myself too