Christmas present

[kelseyy]

Hello,

Well it’s getting to that time. Do I buy my husband a Christmas gift and deal with his criticisms about the gift I get “this is seriously a stupid gift, why would you ever think I would want this.” Or, “you know I wanted this in a different color, different upgrades etc... .”

Or do I not get him anything and then he feels hurt. Our anniversary  was a few months ago, I discussed with him that I was not going to get him anything because of the way he criticizes my gifts, he agreed and thought no gifts were best. Then the day of our anneveriary he was very upset and hurt that I didn’t get him anything.

Such crappy no win situations.  

Anyone have any other ideas?

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[Lakebreeze]

Ouch! I'm sorry you have been on the receiving end of so many hurtful comments when it comes to gift giving. It sure takes the joy out of Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversaries, you name it.
You handled the anniversary situation really well in my opinion so congrats on that! What is less stressful for you? Getting him a gift and having him complain or saving yourself the shopping
and the brain power and just telling you are not going to be exchanging gifts?. I know they are both kind of crummy choices but you can't change his reaction and it sounds likes it's unpleasant either way.
 Everytime my husband and I have agreed to not exchange gifts I feel relieved. First because I don't have to stress about what he would like (nothing is good enough) and second because I don't have to worry about how much money he is going to spend buying me a gift (that he is extremely proud of and will be very hurt if I return).
My husband and I have agreed to not exchange gifts this year (happy dance people!) We have had lots of unforseen expenses and really can't afford anything. Gifts are very significant and important and always end up being a let down for my uBPDh. I am assuming that it is just part of a BPDs constant search for something to fill their deep emptiness. And there isn't anything in the world that  you can wrap up and  put under a Christmas tree that is going to fill that emptiness. I don't really know but would be curious if this is common with BPDs and gifts. Happy Holidays! Wishing you peace and calm.
 

[Turkish]

Have you ever asked,  "what do you want? Tell me what you want,  I will get off for you as a gift."

Toss the ball into his court completely. 

[Lakebreeze]

Have you ever asked,  "what do you want? Tell me what you want,  I will get off for you as a gift."

Toss the ball into his court completely. 

I know the question wasn't for me but I will chime in and say I have mad that statement ... .word for word actually and I get something along the lines of " you know me and you know what I like. At least you should because if you don't this marriage is clearly over... .etc etc etc full blown meltdown with complete emotional dysregulation.oh my.

[Turkish]

I sympathize.  I made the mistake of getting a pink iPad cover one year.  Since she hates pink,  it proved that I didn't know (love) her. 

Is there a unequivocal way to shift this? In retrospect, not getting a cover would have saved me that grief (in truth,  I ordered it online at work and was so pressured at the end of the year I forgot... .maybe a guy thing 

Is there something up front to be said? DEARMAN perhaps?

[Tattered Heart]

Can you have him pick out a few items on amazon and send you links to them? Then you could choose from the items and make sure you get something he likes?

If he complains about your gift, can you keep the receipt and let him return it himself? What about gift cards instead?

My H does the same thing with gifts. I came up with a great workaround. We, as a couple, buy a bigger present for both of us. For instance this year, we replaced the TV with a home theater system. Another year we got a new vacuum cleaner.

[isilme]

I was also about to suggest amazon.  H and I have wish lists set up on there to mark things throughout the year we like, even down tot he size and color.  We have his family using it with moderate success, so it helps with birthdays and anniversaries too. 

I know another couple that uses Pinterest boards in the same way. 

Or maybe you can get a gift card for him and plan a day together for him to use it, or make it an "us" day as your gift, and go do something special like a dinner / couples spa day / movie date?

Gifting is hard.  I got H a fairly expensive gift, and while I can tell he likes it, he still gripes a lot about it and criticizes how it works (electronics) and no, that does NOT make you feel good, even if you can try to chalk it up to the disorder talking. 

I would err on the side of a gift and try to ignore the comments.