5 months no contact, BPD ex- arrives in public now I am a mess

[BB_non-BPD]

Help!

I know I have trauma bonds, PTSD and feel hopeless addicted to this sick person. No contact was going great but in person boundaries fell by the wayside.

Ended up kissing and fooling around, his "love bombs" lit me up like a Christmas tree.  

Hate the way I am feeling, listened to two blocked messages and then deleted all of them.

I HAVE a restraining order, finding strength to verizon (not iPhone) block him and reject emails.

Fear keeps me from doing this because he has called my boss twice when he was not able to leave blocked messages.

Police have called him, nothing stops this guy.

I know I can get back to no contact and take it further with the verizon block if I can get past this BS, he showed up last night and work was good but now I am filled with anxiety and feel like calling him to

a) tell him I made a mistake and please do not try to see me again (although he knows this, right?)
b) hear his voice and get some love bombs, yikes, I make myself sick.

So I am not calling, as of now.

I have come so far, HELP ME!

I enjoy my peace and growth! I have been working on me and loving me!

now i feel so lost... .

any help so much appreciated!

also, any face to face support groups?

and an excellent therapist who takes insurance? specifically for non-BPD?

my mom was a piece of work, I am adopted, got sober, been through the steps and have a relationship with a spiritual being greater than myself, also in therapy (need someone more experienced with BPD).

Thanks

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[pearlsw]

Hi BB_non-BPD,

As I read this I think the place to put your focus for now is entirely on yourself. I am not aware of therapists specially in partner's of BPD, but it's likely a search in your area will bring up someone with this specialty who can offer you support and understanding around such issues. You also have this space in the meantime, as a supplement.

I would also suggest that if you have a RO against this person, that you also stick to it. Find other things to keep busy with and fill up your time with - anything healthy and time consuming!

What could you do to stay in a better more healthy frame of mind? Have you read the workshop on Triggering, Mindfulness and Wisemind? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0 Is this something that speaks to you?

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[Radcliff]

BB_non-BPD,

First, you should be proud of yourself for taking the big step of getting a restraining order.  That was a clear statement of boundaries and your desire to be safe -- a very good step.

It sounds like you were caught by surprise when you saw him in public?  Do you think it was a coincidence, or did he intentionally go somewhere he knew you would be?

You are aware enough of trouble that alarm bells are going off for you.  Trust your instincts.  Stay strong.

The most important advice I have for you is to talk to someone at a local domestic violence support agency.  While you may or may not have experienced any physical abuse, domestic abuse has many forms.  Stalking and phone harassment are serious red flag behaviors, and you deserve to feel safe and to be able to choose who you talk to or spend time with.  The domestic abuse folks are experts at helping people in your situation break the patterns.  They will almost certainly have good practical tips for avoiding unwanted contact.  Plus you will be amazed at how empowering it is to talk to another person who believes you and supports you.  Start by calling the National 24 hour hotline at 1−800−799−7233.  They can give you contact info for local agencies.  The advocates on the line are also perfect to just listen to your story and give you encouragement to stay strong.  Do not think that your problem is not big enough for them, or you don't want to bother them.  They will be happy to talk to you.  I've called them twice.  Once to get resources, and a second time when I just needed some support.

WW

[BB_non-BPD]

Update, I want to thank everyone for responding, truly thank you... .

About the public contact, he showed up at a recovery meeting I was at (restraining order will not block him from attending meetings).

I am so happy to say that after one week I have officially Verizon blocked his number(s) and read up on email filtering/sending reply that makes it look like his emails never were received, I have also eliminated trash/spam boxes to open on my desktop and phone so I do not feel tempted to hurt myself reading his lies.

Two days of love-bombing contact followed by "cluster B" rage ensued after he made contact last Thursday.

I have done so much inner work and grown into self-love for the time we have had no contact, I have no tolerance for abuse in my life. I am happy and alone and plan on staying that way (till I recover more).

I see now the blocked iPhone voice messages were my attempt to allow him contact so he would not freak out and contact my employer or family. Instead of protecting me it led me to be vulnerable if he made contact.

I love that is he is not in my life and this week has been an excellent reminder of that.

He is exhausting.

[Radcliff]

BB_non-BPD, thanks, it's nice to hear your update!  Great work strengthening your boundaries 

We are always here if you need support as you continue your recovery, and you may be able to learn from and be able to help others in similar situations.

Happy Holidays,

WW