Are the longer relationships easier to get over?

[TurbanCowboy]

Not calling anyone out, I was once really hurt by a 3 month relationship(not a BPD), but I'm wondering if shorter relationships with someone who has BPD are more difficult to get over because the idealization phase represents the biggest percentage of the relationship and there isn't a long drawn out phase of splitting before the discard.

I was in a relationship for 10 years so I have 10 years of scars.  My wife did so much over a 10 year period that I think I might be having an easier time getting over her because I keep saying to myself, "how in the world can I be upset over losing someone like this?"  There is so much that she did that I should never have accepted.

If my wife had discarded me 7 years ago before we got married and had a child together, I probably would have been destroyed even though the red flags and scars were already there.

[Turkish]

Interesting question.  Time (and given time,  the "wisdom" of age in a lot of cases), results in a different perspective.  Even so,  I'd say it depends upon the individual and the circumstances of the r/s.

[Lost-love-mind]

Not calling anyone out, I was once really hurt by a 3 month relationship(not a BPD), but I'm wondering if shorter relationships with someone who has BPD are more difficult to get over because the idealization phase represents the biggest percentage of the relationship and there isn't a long drawn out phase of splitting before the discard.

Tcowboy
I concur with your brief analysis. I had a 2 mos r/s and it still occupies my mind 6 mos later. The love bombing is a mystery now.
I'm over the depression abyss, but still feel bewildered by the abrupt discard.
I've learned to take ownership over my part in the breakup.
My apologies go unanswered with her NC.
Through T I realize my own abandonment issues.
I'm sure my exBPD has no desire to discuss any of the strides made to become a better person.
I'm tired of discussion of the topic but realize it assists in my self awareness reading of others tribulations. Yes, only 2 mos. I've been told that I'm lucky that it didn't last any longer cuz it would have just gotten worse after a breakup.

[itgetsbetter94]

Interesting question.
My r/s with my ex also lasted 2 months and as horrible as it sounds, I miss(ed) him more than my previous bf with who I was for 5 years... .
With my BPD ex we literally had 60 wonderful days and 7 nightmare-ish. I began a NC policy as soon as my T advised me to do so. She recognized immediately that he had BPD and said "if you were longer together, married, had children, I would teach you the methods and tactics to cope with him, but if you've jist been 2 months in a r/s, my PROFESSIONAL advise for you is to leave".
I now understand 100% that I'm mourning an illustration, a phantasmagoria. A beautiful picture in sand that he painted for me and blew it away. I miss that picture, the thought that I found the ONE, that I found my soulmate. He put a light on the deepest and most secretive corners of my soul and gave me everything that I ever wanted, and more. I had one beautiful summer. One dream come true. But the fantasy lasted for 2 months, and then the crisis occured.
My T asked me last time do I miss him.
I miss the phantasy, the illusion, the future that was promised, words that were said... .I miss a dream.
But I don't miss a nightmare that my life would be if I stayed.
This was maybe the first time in my life where I listened to my head instead of my heart.

[MeandThee29]

But part of getting over long-term relationships is the struggle of so very many memories, belongings, and places together. I was together with mine for decades, and he was the one that moved many states away. I know now that BPD was always in the background, but the earlier years were good, and there were good times even when the BPD went full bloom.

In some ways I think that's easier for him because everything is new. I'm in the house in the town we picked with furniture and belongings that we mostly picked out together. Our two young adults live with me too, and we still go to the church where he used to preach because of the friends and support we have there. I drive by restaurants we used to go to and where he worked.

People have said that we should move, but our young adults are in college here and my friends are here. There are good employment prospects here, and I really love the area. So even if we sell the house, I plan to stay here.

[Skip]

I think, as a general statement, in 7+ years marriages, there is more likely to have been a slow protracted breakdown and significant grieving and detachment during the final years of the relationship... .When the relationship breaks down suddenly or unexpectedly, member tend to struggle more. You can read the word "discard" used in the latter cases which suggests that these members feel the relationship hadn't run its course before it ended.

Good observation.

[Lost-love-mind]

Interesting question.
My r/s with my ex also lasted 2 months and as horrible as it sounds, I miss() him .
I now understand 100% that I'm mourning an illustration, a phantasmagoria. A beautiful picture in sand that he painted for me and blew it away. I miss that picture, the thought that I found the ONE, that I found my soulmate. He put a light on the deepest and most secretive corners of my soul and gave me everything that I ever wanted, and more. I had one beautiful summer. One dream come true. But the fantasy lasted for 2 months, and then the crisis occured.
My T asked me last time do I miss him.
I miss the phantasy, the illusion, the future that was promised, words that were said... .I miss a dream.
But I don't miss a nightmare that my life would be if I stayed.
This was maybe the first time in my life where I listened to my head instead of my heart.

Excellent imagery.
Unfortunately, my exBPD left me abruptly and stole my heart.
What makes it the worst is her gaslighting me with crazy email accusations.
She refused to discuss the issues she brought up in person or on the phone.
Teenager like breakup.
I'm in my late 50's and she was 10 yrs younger and gorgeous.
My T indicated it was like the high school cheerleader r/s I never had because I was always the awkward geek. Still am.
Your analysis fits that scenario perfectly.
Thank you

[itgetsbetter94]

Excellent imagery.
Unfortunately, my exBPD left me abruptly and stole my heart.
What makes it the worst is her gaslighting me with crazy email accusations.
She refused to discuss the issues she brought up in person or on the phone.
Teenager like breakup.
I'm in my late 50's and she was 10 yrs younger and gorgeous.
My T indicated it was like the high school cheerleader r/s I never had because I was always the awkward geek. Still am.
Your analysis fits that scenario perfectly.
Thank you

You're welcome! But there's no need to thank me, we're in the same shoes really. What helped me was a conversation with his ex gf who was gracious enough to warn me that the crisis with him will continue to occur on regular basis and that I should consider whether I can live like that or no. His best friend warned me about the same thing. His own mother had a breakdown over the phone and said he is keeping the family as his hostage and been terrorizing them for years. So, I had 3 of his closest people reveal to me the same thing- that he is very difficult to be around.
Plus, my T advice about NC, this forum altogether, everything I learned about NPD/BPD... .my rational mind is 100% sure that leaving was the best possible and only option.
I'm sure if you had a talk with her ex bf or a close friend that you would learn the same exact thing.
And mind you, his mom, best friend and ex gf loved my ex and had no ill will towards him. They felt pity for him. They were all good people and their sincere advice from the heart was for me to leave him because he made everyone around him miserable. 
I also feel pity for my ex. I knew he was happy with me (for those 2 months). He said on several occasions "I hope the illness won't come back". I thought he was talking about the depression, but he had in mind his Mr. Hyde side probably, which was inevitable to show up. He was also afraid of it. It's really truly sad and miserable condition.  Like an autoimmune disease, like lupus, where the body attacks itself.

[Lucky Jim]

I think, as a general statement, in 7+ years marriages, there is more likely to have been a slow protracted breakdown and significant grieving and detachment during the final years of the relationship... .

Agree w/Skip: that's what happened to me in 13 years of marriage, before we separated.  Major detachment and grieving on my part during the final years.  Towards the end, I refused to share my feelings for fear that they would be used against me.  It wasn't much of a marriage at that point.

LuckyJim

[chillamom]

The question about the correlation between the length of the relationship and the attendant trauma is an interesting one…I tend to echo some of the other folks on here about the gradual detachment that sometimes occurs in long term relationships with individuals with PD's.  (my ex was diagnosed both BPD and NPD).  The entire relationship was pretty volatile due to his verbal and emotional abuse and my codependent ability to withstand the storms, but in the last few years (I'd say 2014 through 2016) I was pretty resolved to ending it and could feel myself deliberately turning away from my feelings, which was difficult to say the least.  After a major psychotic break in 2014, I never trusted him at all again, and there was a pattern of recycling until I left about a year ago.  We had a short recycle this past summer, and he is STILL in contact begging and pleading for another chance (25th?  200th?) on a daily basis because I'm too "nice" to take care of my own mental health and go NC.  I think that a longer relationship might be easier to cope with on one level because you could absolutely see the train bearing down, but on the other hand I think the longer relationships might also leave behind a more bitter legacy.  I have not dated at all, and I have a terrible time dealing with the regret of So. Much. Wasted. Time.  We all struggle.  I think the length of time versus the abruptness of the discard each has their own uniquely associated hell.

[Skyhawk]

I thought I was alone in my feeling on this, but a couple others in this thread have shown otherwise.

I was married for three years to my BPD ex, and I didn't shed I tear when it ended. It didn't phase me in the least when I found out she was sleeping around, or that she would stay out for days at a time with various men immediately after we separated.

My grieving was done in the year leading up to that.

I compare it to losing my grandfather to Alzheimer's. His decline was so slow and steady that we were able to grieve his loss before he was really gone. When he finally passed, it was more of a relief than anything. It was still sad, but we were all mentally prepared and ready for it to be over.

I can honestly say that I put everything I had into my marriage, and I was loyal until the very end, even when she wasn't. When I finally made the decision to end it, it was easy to make a clean break. I still deal with the guilt of putting my children through all of this, but I haven't missed her for even one second since we separated and divorced. My only regret is that she is the woman in all of the good memories I have of my marriage.

I feel for all of you having a harder time with this. I have been through an absolutely horrible breakup after a four month relationship, and it took me over a year to recover.  Borderlines certainly have way of getting under our skin and making us feel incredible in the beginning,  and I can see how that would make it even harder to deal with.

[Reforming]

Hi all,

I can understand why members struggle to process and recover from shorter relationships with someone disordered. The intensity, confusion and unpredictability and the traumatic conclusion leave a deep mark.

Is it easier to recover from a longterm relationship?

My experience - I spent almost 16 years with my ex - was that it was not easy.

Unpacking a long relationship that defines a big chunk of your life for good and bad is complicated, painful. Learning from the experience and rebuilding your life takes a lot of time, effort and courage.

You are left with a lot of hard questions that aren't easily answered

The emotional, financial and legal repercussions can be overwhelming.

The network of relationships between families, friends and children are all torn asunder and the aftermath can feel like an emotional wasteland.

You may begin to detach before it ends but I'm not sure you can really grieve a relationship until it's over and the full consequences become apparent.

And when you invested a lot of time you are confronted by a radically different landscape.

The chances of finding a healthy partner are less and there is simply less time to build a new life.

These challenges are not insurmountable but they redefine your life in ways that cannot be denied.

Reforming

[Lucky Jim]

Reforming:  Agree, it was rough sledding for me, too, after a 16-year marriage.  Right, the challenges are there, but can be surmounted.  For me, I felt OK with those problems because I viewed them as MY issues going forward, not those of my BPDxW.  For me, this was a relief.

Skyhawk: Like you, I never looked back after separating from my BPDxW.  It was such a relief to return home after work without the expectation of a confrontation.  I had been walking on eggshells for so long (13 years before our separation) that I was pleasantly surprised to find solid ground under my feet again.  I had also been the victim of verbal and physical abuse, so for me there was no turning back.

LJ

[Lalathegreat]

Such a thought provoking question! My relationship wasn’t LONG (only a year and a half), but it also wasn’t a couple month whirlwind, and I’ve actually pondered this question some as I wade through all of the red flags I ignored early on simply for the fact that the “honeymoon” represented such a large percentage of our time together at that point. There was a time early when I know that if it had ended I would have been devastated because I would have been caught up in the “but things were so amazing, what happened?”

On the other hand... .I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am that our relationship ended before we were married, had children, or any other messy financial entanglements. I’ve cruised the family law board enough to know how incredible difficult those challenges can be, both in making the decision to leave, and in how difficult the process can be.

I feel in some ways I was in a bit of a “sweet spot” (if a relationship ending can ever be described that way - heaven knows it was absolutely devestating regardless). But 1) I had been with him long enough to know likely what was happenening (thank you BPD family!) and that a truly happy outcome was unlikely. And 2)While there were still occasional good moments, we spent the majority of our time locked in conflict and it had been that way long enough for the “honeymoon” to seem a distant memory.

Good question!

[clytie]

After a 21 year- r/s, I can say last three years were the worst. He was very abusive, unloving even cruel. I thought about leaving every day, but I couldn't because I kept hoping that good days will come. I thought he was having a depression. Our relationship was like a roller-coaster from the start, so my hope for the up times were still there. (I knew nothing about BPD.)
Unfortunately, I have a tendency to remember only the good parts of the r/s. It has been my survival strategy as I grew up with a father with narcissistic traits and a codependent mother.
If you concentrate on what was bad in your relationship, it can be easier to get over. But if you remember the good parts obsessively, it won't be easier. It will be harder because there is more shared history. Perspective matters.

[MeandThee29]

After a 21 year- r/s, I can say last three years were the worst. He was very abusive, unloving even cruel. I thought about leaving every day, but I couldn't because I kept hoping that good days will come. I thought he was having a depression. Our relationship was like a roller-coaster from the start, so my hope for the up times were still there. (I knew nothing about BPD.)
Unfortunately, I have a tendency to remember only the good parts of the r/s. It has been my survival strategy as I grew up with a father with narcissistic traits and a codependent mother.
If you concentrate on what was bad in your relationship, it can be easier to get over. But if you remember the good parts obsessively, it won't be easier. It will be harder because there is more shared history. Perspective matters.

Your story sounds similar to mine except it was my mother who was a narcissist.

It's hard to completely untangle, but my pwBPD was very high functioning at the beginning of our marriage. There were signs, but it was manageable. I thought that he was just really insecure in some areas. There were other factors too, but I actually changed jobs with the idea that I needed to travel less because he didn't do well when I was gone. Of course I also had my own issues, but we really did pretty well overall.

Then the PTSD hit and more and more besides. I purposed that I would do whatever it took to keep it together. And that's the problem. I didn't grasp the damage that was being done because I was looking to preserve the relationship versus keeping it healthy. I kept hoping it would turn around while playing out unhealthy patterns in my own life. He showed more and more BPD/NPD symptoms and ways of coping.

My counsellor actually had me write out a list of criteria for reconciliation in my therapy journal to discuss with her because I was wavering so much at the beginning, wanting to recover what we once had without lasting change. She had me do the same for myself, and that was a helpful exercise too. It helped me see the hard reality.

I have no idea what 2018 will bring, but I'm thankful for my counsellor and supportive friends and family. In some ways, I feel more whole although I still have a lot to work through. It's quite a crossroads, but I see some very good things ahead.

[gotbushels]

... .I'm wondering if shorter relationships with someone who has BPD are more difficult to get over because the idealization phase represents the biggest percentage of the relationship and there isn't a long drawn out phase of splitting before the discard.

I think that was pretty interesting. For my relationship with the pwBPD, the first few breakups (1 to 3 months in?) seemed much, much more painful to me than the subsequent ones. After 10+ breakups, my expectations adjusted--so less pain. After 15+ breakups; well I guess it felt like watching a horror movie for the 15th time. I think picking up the skills from the forum helped a lot toward the end. E.g. learning what pain you felt, from whom it actually originated from, what my role was--things like that helped a lot.