Define "Evil" Things your exBPD has Done

[RonaldAndNancy]

Hi Family!

I'm still new to this site but reading it over the last week has helped tremendously, especially knowing that they're others out there going through the same confusion, heartache and guilt as I am.

One question I had to maybe help with overcoming my issue of just looking at all the good memories (right now my perception is that 90% of our relationship were good memories) is to start remembering the bad ones. I've read on the boards that some people use words such as "evil" or "vampires" to describe their exBPD. I'm curious, what did they do to you that was so 'evil?'

Hoping this triggers some memories to remind me of the really bad times or things I looked past because I believe I am a co-dependent.

Mahalo!

[Summer67]

Hi,

it's been almost two weeks since my ex bf left my house in a sudden and total rage. He send me furious text messages for the next two days, and then broke off all contact.

On the day itself he was sending me pics of the wonderful dinner he was preparing, telling me how much he loved me and talking about buying a Christmas tree.

During dinner things went bad. One of the 'evil' things that I am realising more and more, is how horrible it was that he picked the same topics to rage about, over and over again. No matter how often we had discussed a topic, no matter how often things seemed to be resolved, every time he got in an emotional fit, he started ranting about the same things again.

And that last evening, he was drinking wine and then got so angry that he started to throw things around in my apartment, until I asked him to leave. That was the end, apparently. I am still in total shock. I loved him so much, and still do, and I feel I will never have the same level of intimacy with anyone ever again. It hurts. So much.

Summer67

[In a bad way]

I have far too many examples, one that springs to mind is the second to last time I saw her which was our anniversary.
She was fine during the day with text messages although I knew she had forgotten about it, but at night she was in another foul mood.
She then said she had booked an appointment with the hairdresser for Saturday but cancelled because she couldn't afford it.
I said she should have told me and I would pay for it, and to ring them and re-book. She said it doesn't effing matter now because she hadn't had it done for a year anyway.
Turns out it was ten months but she was adamant that there was no difference between ten months and a year. Screamed the place down saying 10 months was a year.
Then silence for an hour until she fell asleep, followed by her waking up and storming off to bed.
Not the anniversary night I had in mind.
Why could she not have just said thanks I'll ring them in the morning?
Surely that is what a normal person would say?
Just another unfounded reason to start an argument and ruin another evening, except this was meant to be a special evening.

[Pencil sketch]

Not necessarily evil, just strange.
Went up to visit my ex, she lives up north, arrived, and she had a few drinks, which I was used to, sat chatting on the sofa, and she fell asleep, it was chilly, so I put a cushion under her head, and a throw over her body. Went into the kitchen, washed up a little, and went into the garden, which was very overgrown, she had a gorgeousdog, who I became very attached to, we played for a bit, kicked a ball around for her, and she started digging a hole, I stopped her, and filled it back in, no damage had been done.
Went back inside, and my gf was stirring, took her in a coffee, and she looked at the throw and the pillow, and became very emotional, I went over and hugged her, and she broke her heart.
When she calmed down, she asked what I had been doing, so told her what the dog did, but that was no damage, she went absolutely ballistic, screaming at me, told me I was disrespectful, and had taken advantage of her hospitality, I apologised, but she kept going on about it. I don't know why she got so angry, I just couldn't get my head around the complete change in her, flick of a switch.
She has since accused me, of trying to suffocate her with the pillow.

[SummerStorm]

My BPD friend, with whom I had a brief sexual relationship, told me that she didn't care about my feelings and that she only ever wanted to f__k me (her exact words).  Then, she told me that I was stupid to think she loved me because no one could ever love me. 

I was 29, and she was my first sexual partner ever and only the second person I had ever even kissed.  The first was when I was a teenager.  She said all of this a few days after she told me she wanted to live with me. 

Two days after she said that, she acted like nothing had happened, and by the next weekend, she was trying to sleep with me again. 

I should note that she herself called her words and actions "evil."

[Lostinanother]

Is this really productive for our self growth?
People with BPD are not evil at all.
Sure they screwed us over. Sure they broke our hearts.
But evil? That’s pretty screwed up... .

I think it’s time to man up and stop holding onto hate and hurt people.

Poor me. Poor me. Pour me another drink... .

[SummerStorm]

Is this really productive for our self growth?
People with BPD are not evil at all.
Sure they screwed us over. Sure they broke our hearts.
But evil? That’s pretty screwed up... .

I think it’s time to man up and stop holding onto hate and hurt people.

Poor me. Poor me. Pour me another drink... .

Please remember that this is the crisis forum and not the recovering forum. 

Also please consider that people are hurting and that telling them that they are "screwed up" and that they need to "man up" can be incredibly hurtful. 

Please revisit your words and consider that people may be at a different stage of healing and recovery from you. 

Also, please consider that, when using the word "evil," people are not using it in the literal sense, as though pwBPD are messengers of Satan, sent here to take over the world.  I would imagine that's why the original poster used quotation marks around the word in the subject title.  We are using it to refer to words and actions that seem outside the realm of our understanding of how people are meant to treat those whom they love.  And, in some cases, such as my own, the pwBPD in our lives may be aware of his or her actions and may have admitted to doing things that were, even in their own estimation, "evil."  Interestingly enough, I have never personally referred to my pwBPD as "evil."  I do love her as a person (we are still in each other's life, albeit not as much as we used to be), and I don't trash her name to people.  That being said, she can be downright nasty when she wants to be, and she is self-aware enough to admit that.  For me, the frustration I feel revolves around the fact that she is self-aware but still unwilling to go to therapy.

Also, please consider the fact that not all of our experiences are the same.  Some of us have been through a brief relationship that ended badly and hurt a lot but that we can get over fairly easily.  Others of us have been through physical and/or emotional abuse.  Some people on here have lost custody of their children, have had spouses who, after twenty years, left one day and were never heard from again. 

Also, please note that the original poster is very new, having less than a handful of posts.  Often, new members are searching for answers, and are hurting deeply, and are trying to find others who can share similar experiences and help them see that they aren't alone. 

Please don't lump everyone in here into the same group. 

[SlyQQ]

Beyond good and evil is worth a look  (nietzsche)

When you look into the Abyss the Abyss looks into you,

(When you fight evil you risk becoming evil yourself)

My ex did plenty of things that could be thought of as evil,

and it was hard not to go down that path,

I hope i managed, it was hard.

[Lostinanother]

Well for myself, I would only ever use the word evil to describe someone like a child molester or mass murderer. I wouldn’t ever use it for someone that I once loved.

And I wasn’t calling them screwed up but more the fact of placing the word evil onto someone who didn’t act accordingly to how we wanted... .

I’m still not over my ex. But I don’t see how going over and over all the ___ty things she did is going to make me feel better. It’s not. And I may have been a little blunt in my original post, but some people are stuck and sometimes you’ve got to be a  little blunt.

And I’m not someone who is coming from a short relationship, my ex was an extreme BPD and I had to put up with a lot of aweful stuff.
I just see now, that it’s better to try and forget all the ___ty stuff they did instead of complaining about it and calling it something it’s not.

[SlyQQ]

i am talking really * up * and you would call it evil

[Lostinanother]

We can argue the definitions of evil until the cows come home, however what I am asking is; how is this helpful to your self-improvement?
This site is to help people move on from and understand a BPD relationship.
It’s to help heal you and move on. And I don’t see how “bashing” your ex and calling them “evil” is a way forward and it’s not just another way to stay wallowing in misery and pity.

Also, by calling them evil you are removing yourself from any self reflection.
Nothing was my fault because my ex was just evil.
Even though they had BPD, guess what? Some of it was your fault also. You have to hold yourself accountable and not just pass it off as simply as they are evil... .

[SlyQQ]

A realistic appraisal is always a good place to start, I am missing your point if you are asking if anyone is a saint the answer for me is no.

The sociopaths riddle is always a good way to get a perspective on good and evil, though i don't tend to use those terms , but it all has its own evolutionary purpose, basically you don't count at all.

[EdR]

I do not want to relive all those memories over and over again, but basically:

When you're here (break up crisis), you must have seen the devaluation phase at least once.

That phase certainly contains evil actions.

Did that make her evil? No, unfortunately not. She just needed reasons to push me away and basically rewrote history to be able to paint me black.

It most certainly still feels "evil", but in reality it just was and is extremely immature.

[SummerStorm]

We can argue the definitions of evil until the cows come home, however what I am asking is; how is this helpful to your self-improvement?
This site is to help people move on from and understand a BPD relationship.
It’s to help heal you and move on. And I don’t see how “bashing” your ex and calling them “evil” is a way forward and it’s not just another way to stay wallowing in misery and pity.

Also, by calling them evil you are removing yourself from any self reflection.
Nothing was my fault because my ex was just evil.
Even though they had BPD, guess what? Some of it was your fault also. You have to hold yourself accountable and not just pass it off as simply as they are evil... .

So, move to the recovering (learning) forum and let people who have just joined this site talk about what they need to talk about.  This singular post doesn't mean that people don't also see their own faults and role in the downfall of the relationship.  

There are different sections of BPD Family for a reason.  In some, you are going to find self-reflection because that's what that particular forum is for.  This is not the section for that.  

[Pencil sketch]

I personally, found it helpful, reading other people's experiences. Their behaviour may or may not be related to their condition, and it helps to process what has happened, journaling to a wider public, does have it's benefits.

[clytie]

My ex did a lot of cruel things that hurt me. He criticised my apperance, my character and my choices costantly during his "cold" times. I was able to tolerate his abusive behaviours and i accepted him as he was because i truly believed in our connection and his love for me. But after his leaving, I found out his "lies" and his affairs. It was shocking. He shattered my sense of 'reality'. I realized that the 'connection' and 'love' was all an illusion. I stayed in this relationship because of this illusion. So i think the "evil" thing he has done to me was being dishonest. I still have very difficult time accepting the fact that half of my life was just a lie.

[Tired_Dad]

I found this thread interesting.

I would say that most of the things listed a terrible even malicious but to me "Evil" requires intent and from what I have experienced those suffering from BPD have are lacking in their executive functions that would cause them to have the level of control as to equate their actions to "Evil".

My spouse has done many hateful, spiteful, malicious, destructive, abusive, self-harming, etc. behaviors that do not rise to the level of "Evil" the same as when a young child throws a tantrum or a scarred pet bites.

They seem to operate on pure instinct out of the most primitive survival based part of their mind and a large part of me holds only pity for them, their lack of self control, and their instinctual need to smash everything that is good to attempt to feel whole.

[RonaldAndNancy]

Thank you everyone for you response. I want to start off by apologizing as I wasn't clear in my original post. I guess I didn't want to state the intent of my question because I'm looking for honest answers why tend to label acts that our exBPDs have done as "evil."

A bit of a back story in that I dated my ex for 3 years and in that time we broke up twice before this final break up. Because the wound is so fresh when I take the time to look back on our relationship I get the feeling that 90% of the time it was wonderful for both parties. So during this process of recovery and pulling myself back together as a co-dependent person, I wanted to enlist the help of this community to point out things that I might have brushed off as normal but actually weren't normal.

I regret using the term "evil" as I was thinking how it could be misinterpreted as labeling someone as "evil." Do I think my ex is "evil," never in a million years. But I do have to start caring for myself and need to start realizing that a lot of the things she did during our relationship weren't healthy for me as a person.

Having read a lot of the comments here I didn't realize that her constant criticism of my grammar (mind you she's getting her masters in linguistics) and the clothes I wear, her need to always remember the times that I made mistakes and use them constantly to put me down, her need to constantly have new men around her and go on "friend dates" with them (she ended up cheating on me once which she finally confessed after I found multiple items of evidence) and when I asked if I could meet up with them after she would instantly call me insecure and jealous (I have a tendency to date women who end up cheating on me). These are all things that I thought were ok at the time and I just lived with it.

I'm still hoping people will contribute their past pains and not bottle them up and forget about them. I'm a big believer in taking things head on and using the pain as an opportunity for growth.

Side note - I'm not placing all of the blame on her, it was a 50/50 relationship and there are still a lot of things I need to work on and improve so that I can be a better partner to whomever I'm lucky enough to end up with next.

[SlyQQ]

There are things so much worse than being denegrated  cheated on and lied to, just be glad you never found out,

[Bo123]

Mine in minor compared to the majority, but after her parents (she's from a shame based culture) only gave me 1.5 thumbs up to marry their daughter because I wasn't Catholic which they knew for years.  She said she couldn't marry me, we were engaged and refused to give me 1 hour each weekend for a month to talk and get my mind wrapped around what happened, then continued to tell mutual friends she was still in love with me, call me at 2 am and talk like we werestill together for 4 hours, B-Day cards, a year later a full page email of all the special things I did for her just on previous Valentines Day.  It was a 1.5 year break-up.  I didn't know she was BPD until I saw a T.  She used me and my friends, her friends, mutual friends to  always give me some hope while she moved on, not saying a single word to me about it.  I thought that evil.  It was the worst 1.5 years of my life, I would have traded it for Chinese torture.  I'm not co-dependent but was engaged, spent 3 years with her and travelled 48,000 between meeting her parents and driving to the different places she was doing her residencies, I had a big involvement in this.  I finally asked if the calls at the end of the time were sympathy calls, she said mostly and I said I don't need it, don't call.  Have not heard from her since.  To add salt to the wound, like most BPD's she moved on quickly and has a bf, just like nothing happened.  Again, small stuff compared most stories.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi RAN, (was that intentional?)

This is an interesting topic.  Words like evil and vampires do appear on this site at times, and usually it is when the pain of the breakup is still very raw and the wound is gaping.  Anger towards an ex after suffering destructive behaviour is a natural part of the process, and one we often go through however we don't want to get stuck in.  There have been many valid points in your replies. 

I think you are asking for reminders that not everything was wonderful in the r/s, which can be a common misconception when we are in the early part of a breakup and craving the fix of love bombing we've experienced at the start (and which is intermittently reinforced during the r/s).  It is easy to fall into only seeing the good, so I can see the reason for your post.  Have you considered writing down all of the things you can remember that were painful for you and gave you cause to break your own boundaries?  Think about what your core values are.  What is important to you in a r/s and does this particular r/s have the possibility of realistically meeting these values for you?  Doing this exercise can be really helpful to gain clarity and perspective when removed from the situation.  Also, I'd encourage you to take a look at the Lessons for some good guidance on the healing process and to use as a yard stick as you detach.  It's normal to bounce around within the stages and that is OK.  Keep posting too.  It helps enormously.

Love and light x 

[Bo123]

I don't think RonaldandNancy really meant evil and those that criticize for that have their own issues.  I took it as a non literal question as to have you been hurt or burned by a BPD.  You wouldn't be on this forum if you hadn't.  Maybe a better choice of words than evil would have been appropriate, but I can't believe he should take any crap by those on a pedestal thinking that in his position, we all knew what he meant.  If we are going to nit-pick every word on every post we might as well shut down the forum.  Give him a break, my God this is petty.