Hi Dreamer5 and
I'll try to relate the behaviors you describe of your BPD husband to the disorder as I understand it. My hope is that in understanding how his behavior stems from his disorder, you can better anticipate what kinds of behaviors are likely to happen and when you might expect them. In any case, know that living with a family that suffers from this disorder can be very damaging so please find ways to support yourself and if possible to support you son.
My BPD husband... .Unaware that he has BPD.out son is coming home for the holidays. I am so afraid of confrontation.
The holidays are almost always charged occasions for people with BPD (pwBPD); my understanding is that the holidays or any occasions that they associate with closeness to family will also trigger their disordered feelings such as fear of abandonment.
It's almost like they are reminded that they could be abandoned by the people they depend the most upon and in order to avoid this imagined abandonment, they have to be the one who rejects or abandons the loved one first. Because (in their mind) if you are the abandoner, then you are not the abandonee.
My husband thinks out son is a slob and has taken over his room to make it in to his own studio.
For instance, when you son moved out of the house this could have been interpreted (unconsciously even) by your husband as a kind of abandonment. PwBPD often react to their child's natural development of independence as perceived abandonment. So maybe your husband says he is taking over your son's room because he "is a slob." But I see it as a retaliation: you didn't abandon me, I kicked you out. And so by taking over your son's room, he is the one who abandons your son and not the other way around.
Ther has been a long history between the two of them with tension. My husband constantly hounds him about working. By the way he does work and is full time student getting ready to start an interagip in the spring. But it's just never been enough... .He should be working more...
Another tendency of pwBPD is that of "splitting" their loved ones black (or devaluing them). Basically pwBPD can get into phases where their loved one is perceived as "all bad." Which can sometimes alternate with "all good." The inability to see people's gray, or rather integrate their good qualities with their bad qualities in a middle ground continuum, is sign of pwBPD's damaged emotional development.
I believe that often pwBPD will devalue their loved ones (treat them as if they are all bad) as a way of deflecting (or avoid facing) their own insecurities or disordered feelings. Again, in your example, if your husband continues to interpret your son's efforts to develop his independence as him "abandoning" your husband: his devaluing your son is a way for him to express these disordered feelings.
He gave me somewhat of an ultimatum. Let me discipline and lecture our son the way I see fit or our marriage isn't going to work. In my heart I know that he has verbally berated at times and emotionally stressed him out. Nothing was ever good enough so I have felt protective all these years.
Another tendency of pwBPD that I've noticed is they tend to dump (or devalue) one person at a time. Sometimes the other family members figure this out intuitively: they learn that as soon as the BPD loved one is devaluing one person, then the other persons are relatively safe. And everyone else might try to keep a low profile to avoid attracting the ire of the pwBPD. Everyone learns to submit to the pwBPD as the path of least resistance.
The illusions is if so-and-so just learns not to get on the pwBPD's bad side, then maybe they won't get treated so badly. But the truth is the pwBPD devalues different family members for their own disordered reasons having nothing to do with what the devalued family member did or did not do. This is why the same behavior is permitted to some family members and not permitted to others. There is no consistency because their disordered feelings are not consistently triggered. In fact, I don't think most pwBPD even understand why their disordered feelings are triggered. And it probably doesn't matter to them because they generally choose to blame other people for how they feel.
I hope some of this helps.
Best wishes,
Schwing
