My daughter is really frustrating me

[Heather06]

Today is my 39th birthday and my almost 16 year old daughter has picked fights with me all day. This one was related to the fact that whenever I say I'm sick or don't feel well she gets very confrontational and abusive. I have no idea why this happens. Saturday I said I wanted to lie down and she got really mad started yelling at me went through my purse taking stuff then left and spent $30 on ubers. She blames everything on me and takes no responsibility for herself. She has broken my bedroom door twice when I was trying to take a break from her so I have nowhere in my house to even escape from her. She has been messaging me all day calling me names and blaming everything on me. It's my birthday and I can't even go home because of her abuse. We have a great relationship as long as I let her do whatever she wants. If I try to assert any authority she gets confrontational and abusive. She sees us as equals and everything is my fault. I am at my wits end. She has been diagnosed with ADHD (she refuses to take the pills and sells them instead) depression, anxiety, and some parent child conflict issue where I am just the bad guy all the time. I have 2 schizophrenic sisters, 1 who is bipolar with did, 1 who is an addict so she fits into the family well. She reminds me of my abusive father and its triggering. I started reading walking on egg shells today and it recommended this board.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gorges]

There are good tools to the right.  Particularly the boundary and limit setting which is sounds like your daughter needs.  It can be infuriating to not feel at peace in your own home.   Definitely get away and out of the house to save your sanity.  Whatever you can do to not be her equal, try it.  Don't let her see that you are emotionally upset by her.  Have your own life.  Don't give in to things.  If leaving the house is what you need to do to keep your sanity do it. 

[Partridge]

Sorry to hear about your frustrations. I am sure you are a very good mom because you are searching for help and support.  A long time ago, I heard a doctor say that if you choose to battle with your child you must NEVER lose. So, choose your battles carefully.  Maybe she wears her hair in a pony which you hate but this is something YOU choose not to argue.  However, verbal abuse is non-negotiable!  If she is abusing you via text message, you shut texting down. No notice.  When she aggressively yells at you about it, and she will, you repeat this mantra: "You make your choices and I can make mine". You chose to be verbally abuse by text and I choose to shut it off.  You are not her friend. You are the parent. She abused her credit card using Uber, Cancel the credit card.  "You choose to be disrespectful of me and my money; I choose not to allow you to treat me that way and deny you access to MY money."  See Dr. Phil's combat parenting method.  It works and she will learn the message REAL FAST!
MANTRA: You can make your choices and I can make my choices.

[Partridge]

By the way, you must learn about "grey rock". UTUBE someone explaining this theory.  It will make your life much, much easier.  A light bulb will go off when you understand why you should not have expressed your wish to "have an expectation" for your birthday. It really works and over time it will save your sanity. Practice it. Practice it. Practice it.