Increasingly violent child - 11 years old

[JoeBPD81]

I have 2 kids at home, their bio-father was narcisistic, alcoholic and abusive. He had 2 older kids with problems with the law, adictions and psychiatric interventions. The mother is my GF, who has full custody. She has BPD, diagnosed and embraced. She's battling a deep very long depression, PTSD, and has probably Asperger's.

I've been the father figure for the last 4 years. The kids are now 6 and 11. We've tried to give them stability, love, atention, and support. The school chips in offering extra support, and the older one has been in therapy for 2 years.

He daily hits the little brother, and constantly belittles him, mocks and humiliates him. I mean, constantly is an understatement. He has the maturity of a 3 year old, and they both have a severe ADHD diagnosed. Both fill the "emotional immaturity" description to a T. But the little one can't be mature being 6 years old. Actualy, he shows more maturity often.

In this last week, s11 has punched hard his mother 3 times. Also name calling, challenging, refusing to do anything he was asked to, threw his tablet to the floor when told he couldn't play anymore after punching S6, and went to stump on it, but refrained himself.

He lies about everything, he seems to only feels successful when he tricks someone into believing a lie. When learning a game, he first tries to learn how to cheat, not how to play. It comes from very low self esteem, he things he can't do it right, so he tries to cheat before trying to do. Even when cheating requires the same or more effort than doing things right. Yesterday we asked him to shower, after complaining for 20 minutes, he went in the bathroom for another 20 minutes, and came back saying he had showered, and he hadn't. He just wasted 20 minutes, doing nothing, so we'd believe he showered. He didn't bothered to open the shower. When he gets caught, he can't admit he lied, even when the evidence is in front of our eyes.

His rage can be triggered by this, catching him in a lie, by not giving him what he wants in the instant, by asking him to do something (his homework, study, set the table... .). The problem is that he is as big as his mother now. He has to be really blid-raged to try to hit me, but he hits his mother without a warning or a thought. He talks to her as a slave.

What would you do?

The younger is copying the bahavior, and he seems very disconected from reality. He's very rebelious against us, and when he calms down, he explains he's really angry with his brother, not with us. He has no other source of unhappyness, everybody loves him, he's doing well in school... .But he's constantly invalidated by his hero.

How can we protect the little one, and at the same time help the older to feel OK and mature?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

HI JoeBPD81, my heart goes out to you. How painful it must be to watch and live with his behavior. Is he taking any kind of meds for the ADHD? I can share that I too am raising my grandson (6) he is ADHD on the autism spectrum, he has only been verbal for the last year and half. I was there when he was born, then his mother left the state for a year. I got him back right before his 2 b-day. Wow was all I could say, non verbal, acting out, mean and seriously on the track to being violent.
  Fast forward to now, 4 years later. He is definitely on meds. which help soo much, he is now verbal and in kindergarten. Many behaviors have changes, not gone away but have become more manageable. I cheer for you to her that there is support from school and that there is therapy. One thing that really worked for me was art. My JJ loves to draw and color. It's not something that has to be done RIGHT, or perfect. Whatever they come up with is theirs and whatever it looks like is okay. It's also something that can be hung up, showed off. This has really been a big boost for JJ's self esteem, gives him something to be proud of. When he comes home from school and something has happened to him, he's awful! Screaming, yelling, kicking the cats, won't talk. I simply ask him if he can draw me how he feels, or what happened. Sometimes all he does is use color to show his feelings.
   I share often here that I'm a big proponent of natural consequences. Hitting is never okay. It can be hard to get children to understand that there are consequences for their behaviors, especially when their anger kicks in. That kind of anger needs an outlet. When JJ was 3-4 and he got so mad to act out, I would grab his hand and tell him we were going to walk it off. We spent A LOT time walking the neighborhood. When he older I found a safe place where he could throw rocks, I also bought him a special punching stuffed animal. As we went along I found out that his frustration was a big trigger for his anger.
    Not trying to over load you, just sharing some tips that worked for me. If you feel up to it another time I'll share the X chart with you, it's fantastic. Keep your head up. Hope to hear from you soon.

[Feeling Better]

Hi JoeBPD81, welcome, I’m so sorry to hear about your current problems with your two boys, and in particular, the older boy. I take my hat off to you, you certainly have a lot to contend with. Those two boys are so lucky to have you there for them, it sounds like you are already doing a great job. You say that you have support from school and the eldest is also in therapy, do you get any other support from elsewhere such as a professional organisation or from other parents in similar circumstances?

The only experience I have is from listening to and watching my daughter with her 9 year old son (my grandson). We were extremely lucky to get an early diagnosis of autism which meant that help and guidance was provided from a young age. ADHD was added to his diagnosis later on, along with a few other things.

My D along with her H try to provide a loving and stable home, just like you Joe. Boundaries are very important in their home, as is praise and treats for good behaviour.

It sounds like the 11 year old could be struggling with his emotions which then is manifesting in anger and the only way he knows how to handle that is to lash out. What do you do when he lashes out? How do you get him to calm down?

I can see that you are troubled by the lies he tells and I’m wondering whether you could turn that on it’s head. Forget about the lies and instead concentrate on the truth. Encourage him to tell the truth, let him know that he will be rewarded for telling the truth, be it a favourite food item or a favourite tv programme, a game, just whatever you feel is appropriate. And always, always give lots of praise for him telling the truth. Maybe you are doing that already?

It certainly is difficult to protect the younger child, that is a problem in itself, but you should find that if you can address the behaviour of the older boy there should then hopefully be a lesser need to protect the younger one

[Radcliff]

Joe,

I have been recommending this book so much lately, I can't remember who I've told about it:  "Transforming the Difficult Child:  The Nurtured Heart Approach."  I've found it to be very helpful.  I think there's also a book, "The Emotionally Explosive Child," though I have not read it.

I have heard that sibling-on-sibling abuse is more predictive of adult abuse then parent-on-child abuse.  This certainly played out for me and my wife.  She was abused by a brother, and then abused me.  I had a BPD-traits sister who dominated our family life with drama.  I got used to stuffing my needs and having no boundaries, and married a BPD wife.  What I'm getting at is that this sibling-on-sibling violence you are seeing is terribly important to stop.  I know you know this, but I want to back you up on it.  It is a terribly tough problem, and I'm sorry you're facing it.

WW

[JoeBPD81]

Thank you all for the tips and support, you're very kind.

Truth is I'm overwhelmed.

1st. I'm trying to keep it together: Work, make ends meet, keep calm and motivated to not sink in depression or anger myself.

2nd. Retain a chance to be a family. With my BPDgf who rarely shows affection towards me, and we lack many of the things that make two people a couple. She gets paranoid and thinks I'm cheating, or liying, and she's raging often. And she talks about leaving, or killing herself every 10-15 days. She wants to do that either because of her emotional pain and hopelesness, or because she sees the kids are not improving, and she things they don't have a chance to be happy.

3rd. When I survive all of the above, then I think about tools to help the kids beyond being a present father figure.

I have a stock of books on kids, and two piles on couples therapy and BPD.

Daily life is the other way around. When the kids are present, they are the only priority; when they are not, they are what we talk about, my GF and I.

Then when I'm alone, I wonder what I am doing being a father, when I'm not a boyfriend/husband, and when I'm mostly very unhappy. And I think that if I'm unhappy, and the couple relationship doesn't work, being a parent has its days numbered. So I try to work in all things at the same time.

And many times, I just want to rest and not think for a while (well, I want a year of that, please!).  So I thought I have to answer these kind people who gave me tips at bpdfamily, but then I postpone it again and again.

S11 told us  a couple of days ago, that when he goes to therapy he doesn't want to talk about what makes him angry or sad, he just talks about the last movie he's watched, or school gossip. With us, he gets super anoyed when we try to ask him about why he is troubled all the time, or any self-reflection. He starts singing, or doing fart noises, or grabing anything that it's at hand and focusing his attention on that instead of listening... .Many times he even forgets we are talking to him, and starts telling us a story or a question as if he just realized we were there. He leaves most times too, throwing things, or slamming the door behind him; or calmed saying "boring!" or something like that.

He has an exam today. Thursday he was crying because he didn't bring the book, and he thought the exam was on friday. They changed the exam to monday, so he got the book, and... .didn't open it all weekend. He asked for videgames, and we told him that he'd get them after studying a bit. He came and go, read, laid on the sofa, laid on his bed, laid on the floor... .Asked 2 hundred times for the tablet to play... .But never opened the book. He claimed he knew everything.   At some poing his mom gave him a very small quizz to check the contents of the test. In the first sentence, he didn't know what to write. He started talking to himself and moaning, in his room. We said if he had trouble with the questions he could come and we'd help him, he screamed "asholes!" in response. He kept moaning, and then hiting the walls very hard, throwing things... .My GF was crying with the stress, and impotence, and S6 scared. If we approached or tried to talk to him, he screamed at us... .All of that because he didn't know the meaning of one single word, and he has a dictionary at his room, and we were offering to help.

After a long while that we were struglling not to "bite", he came and appologized and asked for help. We praised him a lot for being brave and asking for help.

Next day we didn't want more drama, we asked him to study a bit, but gave him autonomy. He disappeared for 7 minutes and then told us he had studied. We didn't believe it, but didn't press the matter further. So we told him, around 12, you just need to shower and then you can have your tablet. He said no. And asked for the tablet anyway 20 times, and we gave him the same answer 20 times. He finaly got showered... .by 17.30. And that's how our weekends go, waiting 5 hours for simple things. We wanted to do something together, a movie or a game... .And we did nothing.

When he asked for the tablet after that, I told him "I think I'm gonna wait 5 hours to give it to you, the same time you waited to do what you had to do. You can only expect people to treat you the same way you treat them". But after insisting every 2 minutes, and following his mother around everywhere, she caved in, and gave it to him, in order to have some peace.

It's like if we ask him to do something, and we only ask him to do his own things, he takes it as an offense to his pride, and he stubbornly says no, and prefers to be 5 hours without tablet (or tv or... .) than taking the shower in 10 minutes and have the tablet all day. As If doing what we asked, meant losing, being defated, and he can't think past that.

When we try to reason with him. He either says "I don't have the tablet because of you", or "I don't want the stupid tablet", or "I don't care", or "what I want is to ruin your weekend". Anything but realizing it's as easy as taking the shower, and he gets what he wants.

His teacher tells us: If I ask s11 to do "A" he does B, C, D... .But never A. And it's the same at home, starting with asking him to wake up in the morning (or asking him to not wake us up in the weekends to ask for the tablet before the time they wake up to go to school on weekdays).

As I've given you twice the example of the shower, you might think he has a problem with that. But no, when he finaly takes the shower, we have to ask him to finish, because he would stay there 3 hours.

As a kid, I couldn't even think that saying NO to my parents or older siblings even. It wasn't an option. I could think I didn't feel like doing something. I could ask to do it later, I could complain... .(I would get a slap for not believing my mother, or for being clumsy, for not doing things "right", but never for not doing them) Saying no, it wasn't posible. So I don't know what to do after that.

The therapist tells us "send him to his room" and we say, "and when he doesn't go?" And she says "What do you mean he doesn't go?" We have to start taking his toys away for him to start to move, or another immediate threat, and then he cries and insults us more; or if we're lucky he'd say "no,no,no,no,no, OK OK OK I'll do it" (but not move a finger); then he'll go to the bathroom or something to show us he's doing his thing before doing "ours", trouble is with his attention deficit, he could get distracted and forget what he was going to do all together. We don't want to dragg him to his room, phisically. And it is exhausting that any little thing is a fight and hours of drama.

We've tried the drawing thing, he gets very angry because he wants to draw like a proffesional illustrator, and after making 2 lines, he tears the paper appart. And says drawing is stupid. Taking a walk or doing a phisical activity, he takes that as punishment, we need 3 hours to convince him to dress and put on his shoes, even if we are going to his best friend's birthday.

He can see that we're busting our asses to make their lives better. He can see his mom, specially, doesn't rest a minute. And everything she does is for them. They see we don't have fun, we are not watching TV while they ask for our attention, we don't go out, we don't make adult plans, we don't spend money in ourselves. We don't ask for much in exchange, but we know it's gonna cost us dearly

You'd think that after a thousand times using this tantrums and not getting what he wants until he obbeys, he'd learn it was easier to comply. But no. Every day it's the same. And S6 copies every time more and more of that behaviour.

On friday, after he had punched his mom, we talked. She had told them she couldn't take it anymore, and that maybe they could live with their dad and he would have better luck in trying to civilize them. (She feels terribly guilty after saying that, but she's desperate. And she really believes anyone could do a better job in raising them). We told him that's the last thing we want, that what we want is to live together the 4 of us, and when he's playing for our team, that's what we can do, but when he plays against us, he's playing against living with us, and the only other option is to go with his father. He seemed to understand that. And said he was afraid of his dad, and of course he wanted to do everything in his power to stay with us. Saturday, nothing about that mattered again. His impulses matter a 1000 times more than his thoughts, he gets completely disregulated in a split second.

In many ways, this also happens between me and my GF. And she told me these days: "I do this to you, you are nothing but kind to me, and I'm horrible to you. You must feel how I am feeling now, all the time". I have the same sensation that I play in her team, but she fights me. When someone hurts you when they have nothing to win doing it, it feels like they must hate your guts. She also says "I spend 99% of my patience and energy with them, and then I have nothing for you". And that's also true, but I admire her for that.

So... .Any tool we try to use, fails. Because he runs away the minute we are not acting as his slaves. He doesn't listen, he doesn't care, he doesn't learn... .He will tell us a lot that he loves us, that we are the most pretty/handsome, he wants a lot of hugs, and physical contact... .In the most inappropriate moments, after he treats us like enemies, and says horrible things to us. He does this things when he is bored, or right before asking for something.

When he's around, he's so obnoxious and defiant that it's very hard to feel compassion for him. It already takes a lot of self-control to not slap him, of grab him and push him to do something. After the fact, we know he must be very conflicted inside, and we want to help him. But with him, it takes all our strengt just to remain calm, and not react or scream.

He's her son, and she loves him to pieces. But to me... .You can imagine the difficulty to form a bond with the kid of my "girlfriend" (who doesn't even bond with me) who doesn't do anything that's not completely selfish, and gives us nothing but trouble, who mistreates the other 2 people in my family... .It makes me sad that I can't feel some tenderness towards him, because I can't trust him for a second. And I know he needs me and I try to be there for him as much as I can.

After 4 years I'm still waiting for any unmistakingly sign of good will.  It is scary as in: will he become a psychopath? will he be dangerous to his mother once he realizes he is stronger?

[Lollypop]

Hi again Joe
It’s been awhile and I’m glad you’ve posted. I’ve often wondered how you’re all getting on. First of all I want to say that it’s no wonder you feel pushed to the very extremes of your limit. You’ve so much going on it’s difficult to see the “wood for the trees”. Do you know that phrase?

There’s so much detail in your post and I’m so glad you put it all in there. From the outside looking in to your world I can only take a big deep sigh. Goodness man, you’re amazing. That said, Im not sure I can give any tips as you’re experience is beyond my own experience. I do, however, know that my own son led me a merry old dance as soon as he was born and I fed Into that, ultimately validating the invalid. Our situations are very different. I’ve done a lot of soul searching to find out why I, myself,  went to such extremes. I was a fixer. It took me years to face my wall : I just couldn’t carry on any more. Everything i’d ever tried had either failed or made things worse. I don’t want my words to sound harsh to you. I’m trying to help - boy that “fixer” in me!  I didn’t understand the concept of putting on my own gas mask before everyone else. I guess it had a lot to do with how I was raised.

he doesn't want to talk about what makes him angry or sad, he just talks about the last movie he's watched, or school gossip

For what it’s worth I have a 17 year old son who isn’t BPD and behaves the same. He struggles to understand what he’s feeling never mind why. Your step son is only 10 and maybe doesn’t have the maturity, regardless of therapy. I was way too focussed on problems rather than trying to lighten the atmosphere. I’d lost my way - I forgot to have any fun at all.

Love and connection. This doesn’t mean us giving too much one way - that’s unhealthy. Ita such a hard balance especially with young children who demand such instantaneous pleasures. .

I sincerely hope I haven’t stepped over the mark Joe. I remember you had distanced yourself from your family. How are things on that score? What support do you have for yourself to help you untangle this tight web? It must be very hard to think straight sleep and function. My heart goes out to you.

Hugs

LP

[Radcliff]

Joe, I'm sorry, you have an insanely heavy load.  I'm also sorry that at times it feels like answering bpdfamily posts is a burden!  I totally get it.  Being the lone person trying to keep the wheels on the bus is an incredible load.  The thing that I liked about that book I recommended is that it gives a framework to follow, and was not too complicated.  I know you've got a stack of books to read, but I think that one might lower your stress.

I wish you could get a year of peace, too!  Maybe we should start a bpdfamily resort, or commune! 

WW

[JoeBPD81]

Hi again,

just knowing that someone reads and having some answers helps.

Lollypop's post helped me feel better. Someone else not seeing a clear exit from this, validates me. "Maybe I'm not so dumb for not seeing an easy solution".
Besides, it always help to hear "you're amazing"  Thanks.

I got a blow to my self esteem this week as they gave me a bad grade in English. I got 48% and they graciously gave me upgrade it to a 55% so I could pass, because I have a "good vocabulary and some fluidity". The level of English in my country is really low, and not many people use it everyday as I do. I know I make mistakes, but I reviewed it with someone else and they told me I should have gotten a good mark. You see, my marks are my source for unadulterated validation in life right now. And this one has been the worst in all my degree. I got a better mark in German, and I don't have a clue!

I'll do my best to get to the book, Wentworth, the idea of a commune is not so far fetched, conflict is forbiden inside!

I see those places for rehab, in the mountains. Where adicts don't want to go, and teens run away from... .And I think... .Couldn't I have a hollyday there?

You've been very good to me, so I won't give you a russian novel long post this time.

[Lollypop]

Hi Joe

Maybe I'm not so dumb for not seeing an easy solution".

Not dumb! We’re all here - and the “trying” is what we have in common. We arrive hoping for that quick solution and very sadly there is none. The best we can do is find a way to accept, learn the skills that help us, understand that WE matter. Despite all the problems, we can live a happier life.

Now this is the biggest thing I’ve learned:

My biggest responsibility is to myself.

I’m just no good to anybody if I allow myself to be so stretched, anxious, fearful, over-giving of my emotional support that I deplete myself. When I do this I get into a cycle of behaviour : cope, not cope, suffering, big blow out to clear the air. This happened again and again. I learnt that Crisis was the only thing that brought change for me and my situation. I learnt not to fear it but I wished for crisis and that felt pretty crazy.

I’m glad to say I’m in a better place and I broke that cycle. I’m detached from my adult sons situation. I still get caught up with my younger son sometimes but I’m more aware of it.

Here’s my next nugget.

Environment was huge in our problems.

I stopped focussing on my problems. It felt counter intuitive. I’d spent years Criticising and judging my son and I couldn’t say one good thing about him. It pains me to say this.  He was just horrible and wouldn’t behave how I wanted him to. He certainly didn’t feel loved. I had to change my approach.

I got to changing my environment, I lightened it up by only focussing on my relationships. This meant smiling, talking nonsense most of the time, waiting, patience for others to reach out to me (because now I was good to be around).  When they did reach out, I listened and validated - short sweet conversations. My family warmed to this more loving environment. Problems still there - but we got happier.

This is me and my situation is completely different to yours. But I do know my BPD son felt disconnected from us and that’s not a nice feeling. He also felt it when we focussed too much attention on him - he found it difficult to breathe and so so fearful of making mistakes.

I try and demonstrate how to live a better life. Not one where I over give, not one where I lay myself down for everybody else. This isn’t a healthy.  

Funnily enough, my solution was to look outside my family. My answer was to look outwards not inwards.

Now Joe. I’m challenging you a little here - as amazing as you are. And you are amazing!  When was the last time you did something just for yourself? Not work related, not family related.

Hugs

LP

[Feeling Better]

Hi Joe,

I have been thinking a lot about you and your situation, wanting to reply to you but everything I thought just seemed so inadequate. I was overwhelmed reading your long post. I have great admiration for you, you are doing your utmost best to keep your family together and it seems such a mammoth task right now.

My question to you is the same as Lollypop’s, what are you doing for you, how do you take care of yourself?

Lollypop has written you a great post, she has wonderful insight, she has learnt so much some of which she shares with you. She has helped me many times too.

I hope today is a good day for you x

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks a lot, family,

I wanted to answer you nice and proper. I finally can. I feel if I come here I should be supporting others, mostly when I post myself is because I can't take it anymore without talking to someone. When I opened this post I needed some advice before facing the boy again, I didn't know how to look at his face.

BlueK9 - we tried medication. His mother didn't like it. The 1st one we tried, to me looked great, the kid was calm, focused. But that behavior was so alien to him, that mom was asking every 5 minutes "are you OK?" And the kid loves attention, and loves sicknesses, you talk about pancreatic cancer, and next day he wakes up saying "Mom, I think I have pancreatic cancer". So if you ask "Are you dizzy?" He'd say yes, no matter what. (He goes everyday to he infirmary of the school with some issue, 90% imaginary). So... .she decided it wasn't working.

Months later they prescribed another, one for attention, one for aggressiveness. We had to increase the dosage progressively, we started OK, no side effects, but no effects either. As we progressed he started not eating and waking up at night and not being able to sleep again. So, that one was stopped also.

Mom doesn't want to try anymore with meds. She was pumped full of meds since she was a child, and she had a very hard time. As this would be a long time thing, we can't be wrong and put him in meds that change his brain forever if we are not a 100% sure it's helping him. Not only helping us cope with him. I'm not that adamant, but I respect that she is.

He's now saying he's being bullied at the school. He says by 10 different kids. Also 4-5 other kids are being bullied. He doesn't want us to do anything about it, but we are going to talk to the school. As he is really immature for his age, other kids laugh, and are mean to him. He can't follow the jokes and puns, and kids are cruel. He struggles to fit in, but he does have a lot of friends who do like him. This, as you said, creates frustration that translates into rage towards us.

Again... .we don't know what to believe, as he has no limits regarding when to lie. So we can't know is this is something he says to get away with punching his mom. What's the natural consequence after punching your mom?

I've tried giving them something to vent... .but they quickly turn to each other, if they went to throw rocks, they would split each other's head open in a minute.

We have several decks of cards, we've told S11 always that they are not HIS cards, they are the family's. Because ownership brings trouble. He keeps saying they're his, and that "mom told me they're mine" when she told him exactly the opposite. Well, he was happy yesterday, he had dinner, he had studied and watched tv, and when he was on his way to bed, he saw S6 playing with the cards, and lost it instantly. He attacked him viciously and took the cards from him by force. S6 has no time to react, no warning. And of course S6 gets hysterical with this. He holds onto the cards, and fights back instinctively. We separate them and get a lot of insults, and sometimes kicks and hits that were not necessarily directed at us.

From happiness to chaos in 3 seconds.

We don't get other kinds of support, other that some gatherings with my family, and they can feel there that they are part of something. S11 changes radically when people is around, he doesn't talk much, and doesn't act up. Ask for things using please and thank you. (And we are like: Who's this kid and where's S11?)  S6 doesn't care if the Pope is present, he's the same Cartoon Tasmanian Devil at home or outside. Actually, with an audience, gets worse. He's supper cute, and he's laughing or smiling all the time, so people take everything as funny and charming.

Back to S11 at home, it seems like only time alone calms him down. Or seeing his brother's face covered in blood, then he knows he did something wrong and gets really worried for 15 minutes. Nothing we do seems to help. And I'm worried that he gets a lot of negative attention. A lot of time devoted to him, only for the wrong reasons. We try to praise a lot the good things, but they come so seldomly that get lost in the number of lectures.

By default he lies. He asked me to quiz him yesterday. That, always goes wrong. I asked him a question that had 2 sentences as answer. He answered both wrong. I gave him opportunities, and he tried every possible answer until he got it right. Then with affection I told him "you have to admit this is not "knowing the unit", there were two things to know about this, and you didn't know either one, it rings a bell, but if you study a bit more, then you'll know for sure". He said "No, I already know it all". I reinforced that he knew some parts, and that he almost got it. But reminded him that he always says this, and that's not working out for him so well. Then he gets an F, and comes home disappointed. That if he wanted to change that disappointment, the time was "now". Also, that staring at the book without studying is as boring as actually studying, it's not like he could do something fun instead. He nodded and seemed to get some insight... .But no, he closed the book and said "I'm done, I don't need you to quiz me more. Can I watch TV?"

The kid has Eidetic memory so when he bothers to read the unit, he nails it. The problem is that we all lose 3-5 hours asking him to open the book.

I'm chasing Wentworth's book: "Transforming the Difficult Child:  The Nurtured Heart Approach". I put it in my basket at Amazon from 20 sellers, and they don't deliver to my country. For some reason, not even the kindle version. Those who do, charge me a lot. The audiobook would be great, but it's very expensive too. I've read some articles from the writer, and videos, and it sounds interesting. So I'll keep trying. It's not translated to my language, so I can't find it here either.

It was really a hard blow that this is predictive of adult abuse, it makes total sense, of course. Even if it wasn't, S6 lives in fear, and that costs him daily and it is damaging him in the long run too. That's why we are so desperate. Sometimes what we need to help one kid, hurts the other. The more we protect S6, the angrier S11 becomes, for instance. The bio-father would take gladly S6 alone for some days, but S11 would feel left out, and all problems stem from the rejection from his bio-father in the 1st place.

"Wood for the trees" I didn't know the expression, but I inferred the meaning, we say "the trees don't let you see the forest". As you can see, I put myself 1st on the list, even if emotionally is not easy, rationally I do. And I also ask my GF to put her own oxygen mask on first. It's a great and useful metaphor.

Periodically we try to hit the reset button, and forget the drama and try to promote a light fun atmosphere. We are looking into "scripted dialogues". Have you heard about that? It involves writing a play with excessive politeness and affection, so much it is funny for the kids. And each one plays a role, and we use the script in times conflict usually rises. Some of it rubbs into reality, "fake it until you make it". You know?

I said my gf has several mental illness diagnosis in a conversation with my siblings. After she called me "ex boyfriend", and I needed to talk. They dismissed the issue fast, as if they could catch something just by talking about it. They assured me they love me no matter what, and so and so.

I get a lot of support from you guys. I remember not having an outlet for all this, and it was claustrophobic.

I don't wish for crisis at all, Lollipop. If you can see a pattern here... .consistency ends where my gf's BPD starts. She's pretty unstable, from suicidal-depressed to manic hyperactive. So we talk and we agree on many things, but then in the heat of the moment, she can go to unexpected places. She would say "No tv", then 5 minutes later the kid asks me "Can I watch tv, Joe?" and I say "Mom said no tv". Then she says "you're an ashole" and she gives the remote to the kid. Or I don't know she said "No TV" and I let him watch, and then she says I'm a traitor that never has her back.

So whatever the plan, it can't be good for the kids to see that whatever I do, she judges and calls me something bad. She says it in English, but they understand the tone and some words. You can imagine how I feel when she leaves the room and the kids ask me "Joe, What does "I hate you" mean?"

Regardless, we try our best to do fun things with them. Always. We don't have adult or couple plans. We go to a zoo, a park, we select TV shows that we all enjoy, we play games... .Many of those get sabotaged. Like, we're going to the zoo, and we are all ready by 10 AM to leave, except S11 who refuses to get up and get dressed. Then we end up leaving at 12, having trouble to park, they are hungry already... .And we are all in a bad mood for waiting and arguing. And maybe S11 was the one asking to go to the zoo in the 1st place.

There, he would ask "buy me this, buy me that... .Let me use your expensive camera... ." throws tantrums, demands that we all follow what he wants... .When we are already pissed off with him, and he knows it.

IF I make plans for myself and then I can't do them because of the kids, I don't want to resent them, so I don't make many. I canceled a dentist appointment yesterday, then I spent my evening quizzing S11 when I knew he hadn't study, instead of studying myself. If I had tried to study and then couldn't because he wouldn't stop talking, it would also have stressed me a lot. I don't enjoy studying, but it gives me some satisfaction when I have good grades, and it can help me get a better job.

If I exercise a little, and study, I feel great that evening. But it's a double edge sword. As I get so behind in my studies, I feel guilty, stressed, and I don't take time to do nice things, fun or just entertaining things myself. And when I do, I think "I should be studying".

I mostly have from 9 to 11PM to myself. Time for a movie, or writing, or whatever. Lately I study then, because I didn't have time before (so tired, though). But also, the last 3 days my gf opened up to me. So we talked a lot passed my bedtime. And that was supper-nice. But I was also thinking "oh, no study today, and no distracting either". I end up taking time from my sleeping hours.

So I fail in the subject of self-care. But I don't forget it, can you extend the period of your challenge Lollypop and Feeling Better? Please?

I'm having lunch with my extended family in one of my favourite restaurants, one that has a playing area for the kids and they take care of themselves, with my kids and nephews. I plan to eat like an ogre.  Been eating less all week to enjoy that without shame.

I did something I always think but never dared to do. I asked my gf if she'd like to roam around the mall, and read or whatever while we all eat, and then we meet her later for coffee. She said "great!". She can't take seeing people eat, and she feels really bad if my family pays for a restaurant and then she doesn't eat. So it gets really uncomfortable for everybody. This way she comes, she's not than anxious, and she gets to spend time with the other kids whom she loves. But it always sounded insensitive to me to tell her to come but not sit with us for lunch, you know?

I don't know if you can tell by the tone of my post, but I'm in a much better mood, in a good mood even. It's Friday, big lunch tomorrow, GF's talking to me. And there's a whole new season of "Jessica Jones" for me to watch. So I feel life's good right now.

This is in part thanks to you, because I feel someone is listening and understanding, and having my back, in a way. So I wish you can feel life's good too.

 Have a great weekend!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi Joe

It’s tough having a young family, incredibly difficult if there’s complex problems. It’s easy to lose your way - as I found out.

Self care for me, even basics, was non-existent. Some days if I remember to take a vitamin tablet and put on mascara is as good as it gets. I’ve let myself go a bit and wish I hadn’t - more effort needed!

Be gentle with yourself joe. I think you made the right decision about your family meal. Enjoy being with your family.

Hugs

LP

[Radcliff]

The kid has Eidetic memory so when he bothers to read the unit, he nails it. The problem is that we all lose 3-5 hours asking him to open the book.

So, Joe, about that English thing.  You just taught me a word -- eidetic.  Somehow I got stuffed full of a lot of words (and hot air, some might say  ) at a young age, so encountering a new one happens seldom enough that I really take notice.  Thanks for the new word!  Forget that English grade.  I am being totally genuine when I say that your English on this board is indistinguishable from a university-educated native speaker.

I'm chasing Wentworth's book: "Transforming the Difficult Child:  The Nurtured Heart Approach". I put it in my basket at Amazon from 20 sellers, and they don't deliver to my country. For some reason, not even the kindle version. Those who do, charge me a lot. The audiobook would be great, but it's very expensive too. I've read some articles from the writer, and videos, and it sounds interesting. So I'll keep trying. It's not translated to my language, so I can't find it here either.

Any chance you can get the Kindle version by using a program like Tunnelbear to appear to be coming from a computer in the United States?

Back to S11 at home... .I'm worried that he gets a lot of negative attention. A lot of time devoted to him, only for the wrong reasons. We try to praise a lot the good things, but they come so seldomly that get lost in the number of lectures.

OK, if you're waiting to get the book, I can tell you a little bit about it, because you just hit on one of the main paradoxes.  If the child is very rarely on good behavior, we can't praise them!  OK, so here are three important points:

1.  Engage the child with neutral comments, and a lot of them (20 or more a day, sometimes several at once) -- Kids want attention.  If we scold them, they get attention (which they want) for negative behaviors.  Praise is difficult for two reasons -- they may not "deserve" praise very often, and older children may be suspicious of it.  Praise should still be used, but not as often as neutral observations.  For a very young child, like S6, you can say simple things like "I see you are playing with the red truck.  You've actually got quite a few trucks, and it looks like you're using those wood blocks as a garage."  These are indisputable factual statements.  It communicates to the child that you are engaged with them.  It is giving them attention.  My D17 buzzes by so quickly it's super tough to do this with her.  D12 is much easier.  You may find S6 easy, and S11 hard, but practice, practice, practice.  Perhaps try it on your gf as well.  Get to the point where you are regularly cranking out neutral observations, and some praise, before you ramp up on consequences.

2.  Manufacture success -- I get a real kick out of this one, and it's the thing about your quote above that made me want to tell you more about the book.  You can praise the child for not misbehaving.  If S11 is simply not doing anything, you can praise him for being nice to be around, telling him you enjoy spending time with him.  In a bad situation, even a short lull in the storm could be praised, "I see you're taking some time to collect yourself, that's a really impressive way to deal with this situation."  Another variation on this, is if you see trouble brewing, you can praise them for not misbehaving before they reach the point of no return.  If you happen to catch S11 eyeing S6 with the cards, and can think and talk quickly enough, you could say, "Hey, I see you're really showing some restraint letting S6 play with those cards.  You're being a great brother."  Manufacturing success seems sneaky in a positive way, so I love it!  I think it can really help steer you out of a "stuck" situation.

3.  Violating boundaries gets consequences, delivered neutrally, with no drama -- furthermore, you give the child a choice (in anything but safety situations).  He can choose to do A or B, but if he does B, then there is a consequence.  Tell him that you are fine with either choice.  He has the power (don't tell him this  ).  So, you are not imposing your will on him!  The no drama part is important.  You just announce the consequence once, or it is a well known consequence, and then deliver it.  No extra warnings.  No making him feel bad.  Especially, no lectures (because that is giving him a lot of attention for negative behavior.

In summary, this is like the carrot and the stick, with a new twist.  The consequences are important to steer them away from bad behavior, but you have to give them something to steer towards.  Waiting for praiseworthy events never works out if the kid has behavior problems, so this new method adds neutral observations and manufacturing successes in order to get that carrot working when it seems like you're thoroughly stuck.

This stuff really works.

OK, that's what I remember for now.  I'm sure I left out some critical steps -- You'd better still get that book so I don't mess up the kids  

WW

[Feeling Better]

Hi Joe,

I’ve read your posts a few times now trying to take in all that you say, it certainly is a lot to digest and my heart goes out to you. You are doing the very best that you can in an almost impossible situation.

You have asked “What’s the natural consequence after punching your mom?”
I know that my grandson has on occasion hit out at his dad, but never his mom. Whilst writing that it occurred to me that maybe he does this because he sees his dad as weak and therefore an easy target. He doesn’t hit his mom because she is a very strong, no nonsense, don’t you dare mess with me sort of person. She is also very kind, loving and patient. Anyway, I asked my daughter what the consequences would be for her son hitting her or her husband. I wasn’t expecting the reply she gave, she simply said that her son doesn’t understand consequences. I have no idea whether that is also the case with your S11.

You say that “it seems like only time alone calms him down”
That is a great observation Joe, because it is so true and that is just what kids like him want and need. My grandson does this whenever he feels the need, he has his own ‘dark den’ in his room. For him it is a place of solace, he can go there whenever he has been triggered until he feels ready to face the world again. And his younger brother respects his older brothers time in there too. Why wouldn’t he when peace reigns again when he reappears. I am not recommending this for you and your S11, just because it works for one doesn’t necessarily mean that it will work for another. Most of the time it’s trial and error anyway until you hit on that one thing that works for child.

Ah, the loss of time waiting for S11 to move or do something, please correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think these kids have the same sense of time as we do. Just wondering, have you tried post-its to remind him and keep him motivated? He might just need something visual rather than the spoken word.

This might just be a stab in the dark but have you ever asked anyone such as family members to have the kids for a short while whilst you and your gf have some time together alone, without the kids, a little bit of respite? I ask this because you mentioned the improvement in S11’s behaviour around your family members.

I get what you say about your gf and the lunch at the restaurant. You did a great job there, nice to hear that your gf appreciated your well thought out offer.
I sincerely hope that you can work that same magic in keeping your gf on board when interacting with S11. He needs consistency and he needs to see the both of you steadfast and working together. A tall order I know, but I do wish you all the best x

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks everyone.

The weekend had its ups and downs. Before lunch, I started to get nervous, because no one was moving, getting dressed or whatever. And my gf started to panic about the idea. She apparently thought I was talking about a different mall, and that's why she was fine with the idea. But at this mall, it was the worst idea ever.

I kept telling myself, she would have panicked in any event, and that it would pass. She screamed several times "That's it, I'm not going". We went, and it was OK. Pretty boring, but not horrible. Driving in heavy rain was hard, because the kids kept fighting in the back. I lost it a bit and I screamed at them, because it wasn't safe.

It usually goes like this: S11 gets bored half a minute after turning off the TV or whatever he was entertained with. His first instinct then is to go bother S6, usually he "touches his face", rubs his hand fast in his face, not allowing S6 to see, or do whatever he was doing. Other times, he just makes comments. If S6 is reading, he'd say " you're dumb, you don't know how to read", and so on... .Then S6 pushes him away, and that's offence enough to start kicking and punching S6.

So, the moment they sit on the car, S11's hand is in S6's face. S6 starts screaming "leave me alone!" and fighting back. S11 does this in a sneaky way, but S6's answers are very loud, so S11 expects S6 to get in trouble. At night S6 falls asleep, we try to avoid it because he then has trouble to sleep at night in bed, and he wakes up furious when he does it in the car. So... .When we ask S6 not to sleep, S11 takes his cue to start bothering him, as if he was doing the family a favor. And we always have the same conversation about having a fight being worse than having s6 asleep.

The frustration is worse because they are always the same things. We seem to live in Groundhog Day. We keep trying different approaches, and the kids keep doing the same things that don't work for them and get them in trouble.

Wentworth, thanks for praising my English, and for telling me about the book. If tried to put it in motion right away.

Their usual MO is to wait until someone does things for them. If we ask them to put down the tablet for lunch, they'll wait until we had asked them 20 times, and then some more, until we physically take the tablet from them. Then they can get angry at us for taking it (in the middle of a game!) and refuse to have lunch, or set the table... .

I tried "manufacturing success", saying that he will put the tablet down before no one would force him to do so. It took like 6 times, but I tried not to do it impatiently, or angry. And finally, he did. And I told him "Good job!". I also tried describing neutral situations. I'll keep at it.

Everything seems to point to pay attention to them, just not negative. But we already live for them. The conflict is that they always want opposite things, unless there is one thing to have, then they both want the same one. You know, if we have a blue car and a red car, then both want the blue one, and they will fight. (30 minutes later the blue car is completely forgotten). They compete for everything. If one wants to watch Star Wars, the other wants to watch The Avengers. So, even when they have our complete attention, they want us to choose between them, every chance.

It is true that they both seem to have a problem with the concept of consequences. When S11 had to study the concept for his class, as in an historical event is studied with its causes and consequences. He couldn't say what it meant to him, it was totally abstract. The pattern "He doesn't study- he gets a bad grade" repeats all the time, but the bad grade is always a surprise for him, and we always try to connect the dots for him, but he seems to not believe that he needs to study to get a good grade. He thinks it's a trick. I can't explain how I see this time and again. It's like in his brain, every event is disconnected from the previous one or the next. T says his ADD is off the charts. Sometimes he seems completely out of reality.

This weekend, he was getting nervous putting on his shoes. So I helped loosening the shoelaces so the foot could enter. He put the foot in and one shoelace went in with it. He got supper nervous because he could see only one lace, and not the other. So he said "You have kept one shoelace, why? now I can't tie them!" very angry. He can't observe the events in sequence, so he finds his lace. Something happens that frustrates him, so he needs to blame someone else immediately. He learnt to tie his shoes because he saw S6, when he was much younger, tie them without effort. But he still struggles and it takes him a lot of time. Because he needs to remember several steps. And he loses his concentration between one and the other.

In school it's like this: "3 girls and 2 boys buy candy, each of them buys 5 pieces. How many pieces of candy they buy in total?" He writes: 3+2=5 And forgets the rest, and goes to the next problem. If you are on top of him, and you help him keep on thinking about the problem, he gets it, and finishes it. Or he feels attacked and breaks the paper.

Then in real life, if he needs to buy candy himself, he would do the math perfectly. Because he can keep his focus, when he is motivated. He would solve puzzles in video games, and when you hear him talk, he sounds smart. But then at other times, he is completely lost.

So, he knows that every time he hits his brother he's gonna get himself in trouble. But he can't connect the dots in the moment. Yesterday we stopped him from kicking S6 in the head. I was between them, and mom was restraining him. We asked "What are you doing?" And he said "I'm gonna burst his head open!" and tried to kick him again, with both of us there. The reason was that he was playing a video game, and he must have lost, and S6 told him "you played bad". He can't think "nothing good is gonna come from this".

In these fights, after we stop them, S6 gets very angry at us. He doesn't want the fight to end, he wants to win it. So he would insult his mom or me, or even hit us. And after 5 minutes he's following his brother around again, the one who hit him. And 5 minutes later, there's another fight. If one of us is busy, the other can't even pee. Because 30 seconds of not watching them, it's a sure fight.

Even when they don't fight, the constant verbal torment from s11 to s6 is disgusting to hear, it's really torture. Of course, S6 learns and imitates. They both come to us to tell us the other is doing something wrong, and they command each other to follow the rules, but they don't apply any to themselves. We tell them to call us when action is needed or when one is in danger. But not to rat the other one out.


OK, the problem with time alone, is that he goes there only AFTER he has crossed the line by far. We ask him to go collect his thought when he starts to get mad, but he goes after his brother is bleeding, or he has broken something in rage, or he is screaming he hates us all. S6 doesn't respect that at all, even when s11 is a raging beast, his little brother will go after him and get the consequences.

S11 doesn't respect either when S6 has a time out. Or when he asks him to go. S6 shows some maturity at times, when he tells s11 "No, I don't wanna play this with you, because we fight". But S11 would refuse to go, and when he finally goes, he would try to kick S6 or break his toy on the way out.

I read this and he sounds completely irrational, but that comes and goes, he's articulate and thoughtful at times, and looses it the second things don't go his way, or he is bored.

I wish we could have time alone. Gf gets scared like a little girl. She fears men, and her own feelings. It only happened for about 10 days in our 4 years together. And it was great. But nobody wants to take the kids, even for a day. And the kids don't want to be anywhere without us. My bother offered to have a sleep-over with his kids. But they are scared. They know they don't know how to wipe their butts without mommy, and they know they can only get away with that in mommy's house. They know other kids their age don't behave like babies.

I've had some sweet moments with my GF these weekend. Not very intimate at all, a hug is as much as I get. But it makes me happy, maybe for the absence of hate, more than for the affection.

When I think about it coldly, that I rarely have even a kiss... .I don't know who I am in all this. What are these kids to me, if I don't have a RS with their mom? I'm the landlord, who doesn't take rent, I'm a sitter who doesn't get paid, who doesn't have any privacy or freedom inhis own house... .and I get hate and complaints, and insolvable problems. So I have a problem that is: running out of motivation. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my kids and my family, but are they? what am I really doing? You know? Who's on MY corner?

It's hard to keep trying to do the "right thing" and not look at the big picture here, and ask those questions.

[Radcliff]

Their usual MO is to wait until someone does things for them. If we ask them to put down the tablet for lunch, they'll wait until we had asked them 20 times, and then some more, until we physically take the tablet from them. Then they can get angry at us for taking it (in the middle of a game!) and refuse to have lunch, or set the table... .

This is a great one for consequences, with no drama.  I'm kind of old school about electronics, so this is a place I find it easy to make a stand.  I had great success the other day giving D12 a time consequence (delay in a ride to a place she wanted me to take her) that increased with every minute she delayed further in coming to the dinner table.  I just gave the consequence, no drama, and walked away.  She tried to argue, and complained, but I didn't engage.  There was some talk about how ridiculous I was, but she came to dinner!  For the tablet, I might play a little harder, for example every minute he delays in putting the tablet down means five minutes for which you hold the tablet and he can't use it later on.  Perhaps you start with a one minute penalty for a one minute delay, so there's no drama.  There may be no impact right away, but you will have successfully introduced your technique.  Later, if you need to increase the penalty multiplier, you can do that.  You will have planned this out in advance, so you won't be angry, you'll be totally calm and projecting a sense of confident, compassionate control.  Kids need to see this.  Your gf's kids have not.

You can't fix everything at once.  Start with a couple of things, and gradually start bringing order to the chaos.  The tablet seems like a great place to start.  The violence is another thing that needs to be on top of the list.  Perhaps link it to the tablet?  S11 striking his brother means loss of the tablet for a day?  Half a day?  You'll need to be prepared for what mischief he'll get into without the tablet.  You may need to take it to work. 

One of the key bits of work with these techniques is figuring out what the consequences are.  "Extra" items like tablets are perfect.  It takes real thought to come up with enough appropriate consequences sometimes.  Think about it ahead of time.  My wife took away peanut butter from my difficult daughter one time years ago.  The problem was, peanut butter was the only thing she ate!  That was a tough week!

I wish we could have time alone. Gf gets scared like a little girl. She fears men, and her own feelings. It only happened for about 10 days in our 4 years together. And it was great. But nobody wants to take the kids, even for a day. And the kids don't want to be anywhere without us. My bother offered to have a sleep-over with his kids. But they are scared. They know they don't know how to wipe their butts without mommy, and they know they can only get away with that in mommy's house. They know other kids their age don't behave like babies.

Think about how much energy the kids are sucking from you.  Babies require full-time supervision.  If you can get the kids under control, the situation improves.

I've had some sweet moments with my GF these weekend. Not very intimate at all, a hug is as much as I get. But it makes me happy, maybe for the absence of hate, more than for the affection.

When I think about it coldly, that I rarely have even a kiss... .I don't know who I am in all this. What are these kids to me, if I don't have a RS with their mom? I'm the landlord, who doesn't take rent, I'm a sitter who doesn't get paid, who doesn't have any privacy or freedom inhis own house... .and I get hate and complaints, and insolvable problems. So I have a problem that is: running out of motivation. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my kids and my family, but are they? what am I really doing? You know? Who's on MY corner?

It's hard to keep trying to do the "right thing" and not look at the big picture here, and ask those questions.

You should be looking at the big picture.  You should be asking those questions.  Think about how important a romantic relationship is to you.  Do you want kids of your own?  No two people will have the same answers.  Think about what's right for you, and if you are headed in the direction you want to head.  Steering by a star is helpful.  You can take detours, you can stall, or reverse for a bit -- you don't need instant satisfaction, but steer towards that star.  You can give yourself a time budget of 3 months, 6 months, a year, two years to get to where you want to go.  If you keep discussing the star you're steering towards in your own thoughts and with your gf, nobody is surprised.  That star could be a particular destination, like a better relationship with your gf, or a more general destination, like resolution (better relationship, or you've moved on and folks are living independently).  I motored in circles for years, thinking I was improving things, but not really clear on what star I was steering towards, and not measuring my progress or setting any standard.  I lost a lot of years that way, and didn't serve my wife or my family well.

WW

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks Wentworth,

That sounds very reasonable. Truth is they can hardly touch the tablet, because they lose that priviledge constantly. The problem is that when I apply consequences without drama, then mom comes in, calls me an ashole, and gives them a prize (so it sends the opposite message).

She tells me constantly: don't set them up for failure. And then she gives them the tablets to play "just 5 minutes before dinner". When being realistic, that means they won't drop the tablets until we take them from them by force, they won't hear any calls for dinner nor set the table. It's calling for drama, IMO.

I was raised by an Spectrum, more than my parents. I played a lot, a used to type my lessons and memorize them, and I didn't want to leave a game to go to dinner. I understand that. But I respected my family.

Violence get's any of them without tablet for the rest of the day, or weekend, depending on severity of the offense.

Think about how much energy the kids are sucking from you.  Babies require full-time supervision.  If you can get the kids under control, the situation improves.

I believe if the kids get under control, our whole lives would change. Specially their own. If they get some short of ownership about their own life, and how much power they have to change the things they don't like, they would be so much happier.

S6 was going to have the tablet after tiding up his room a bit. Mom ended up helping him, doing most of the work. When they were almost finished, he insulted mom. So she told him he had to think about that for 6 minutes before having the tablet. He kept sticking out his tongue, saying ugly things, and saying he didn't care about the tablet, and the time was increasing 12, 18, 24 minutes... .Until he lost it for the day. He kept crawling on the floor, repeating "idiots, idiots... ." and "give me the tablet, I want the tablet!" While we ignored him, and periodically reminded him what he needed to do was to be polite, to have any chance.

If he could have owned what he did, and just stop insulting for 6 minutes, he would have had the tablet after that (and he was told). Instead, he kept digging his hole deeper and deeper. He wants the tablet, but he wants to get it doing the opposite of what we ask him to do to get it.

----

You should be asking those questions.  Think about how important a romantic relationship is to you.  Do you want kids of your own? 

I took my time to answer because it hurt to think about that. I used to want kids of my own. One of the reasons for my divorce was that my ex-wife didn't want kids, and I did. Now... .I'm 40, and I don't feel like starting now. I don't want to be 50 and have my oldest to be 10 at most. After this experience, I'm not sure I want kids at all. As of today, I have more resentment that love towards them.

I feel I'm lost, I feel my life is on hold. Giving them a place to live and keeping some peace, makes my life going nowhere (just getting older). I feel I'm doing that until they can leave, because I'm never told that she wants to stay, but I'm told often that she wants to leave but she can't. I don't have a star, I stay alive, I go through the motions, I work, I study, and I try to improve my situation. I'd love to have a romantic RS with my GF, and to be included in the family, and not kept at a safe distance, not being judged at every step, not filter all my RS with the kids with coments, criticism, and reverse orders. But I can't have any of that without at least some intention to try by my GF.

I don't have any goals of finding someone else, having another RS. I'd like to live alone, but I'm not in a hurry to do that. I feel I barely want to just survive. And that's not a worthy goal. So while I give them a home, at least I'm doing something for others, something more meaningful than what I feel like doing. I just spent 5-6 years of savings on geting new teeth, so at least I have to live to use them a bit, don't I?.

Anyway, I'm in a very pesimistic mood today. So take what I say with a grain of salt.

Thanks for listening.

[Radcliff]

Joe,

I'm sorry you are feeling low.  Absolutely, you need to get at least 40 years of use out of those new teeth!  Lots of amazing things can happen in 40 years.

I hear you about a star.  I didn't have one either, or any sort of timeline to get there.  Something to work on.

For today, though, go for any "sure thing" you can get to cheer yourself up.  Exercise, chocolate, music, hot shower, whatever works for you.

WW