I spoke to my suspected BPD ex's other exes

[Depression = 72% of members]

So this has raised some eyebrows from my friends.

My susBPD ex is in the same rave scene as me, we go to the same Trance events around the UK and she habitually sources a relationship from these events. Because I actually ran some parties myself in the past I know a lot of people in the scene, and I know three of her proper exes, not close friends but over the years at some point we sat down for a beer.  After the relationship ended I wanted some piece of mind for my sanity.

 I contacted the exes. Two of them said they experienced her bursts of anger, 1 ended the relationship because of it, 1 blamed himself and was depressed for a long time after they ended (he's a male nurse so he must be a real caregiver type, to his credit he kept NC from the day they split).  The third just said she would go sometimes a day or 2 with no contact and it didn't feel like she was that bothered about him.  

They have all moved on with their lives and are very happy now.  They validated me. The male nurse also thanked me for validating him, he said he felt a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He's said he's not attended a trance party in two years in case she is there, but would be interested to attend with me.  When I contacted her to wish her merry xmas - I almost felt I was betraying this other ex who suffered more than I did with her as we are online friends now.

However even some of my friends have said my actions in contacting the exes were odd and not socially acceptable.  Are they correct? Is this evidence of something wrong in my wiring?  Or is it acceptable to try and find validation from a BPD ex's other exes?



  

[Dargumin]

So this has raised some eyebrows from my friends.

My susBPD ex is in the same rave scene as me, we go to the same Trance events around the UK and she habitually sources a relationship from these events. Because I actually ran some parties myself in the past I know a lot of people in the scene, and I know three of her proper exes, not close friends but over the years at some point we sat down for a beer.  After the relationship ended I wanted some piece of mind for my sanity.

 I contacted the exes. Two of them said they experienced her bursts of anger, 1 ended the relationship because of it, 1 blamed himself and was depressed for a long time after they ended (he's a male nurse so he must be a real caregiver type, to his credit he kept NC from the day they split).  The third just said she would go sometimes a day or 2 with no contact and it didn't feel like she was that bothered about him.  

They have all moved on with their lives and are very happy now.  They validated me. The male nurse also thanked me for validating him, he said he felt a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He's said he's not attended a trance party in two years in case she is there, but would be interested to attend with me.  When I contacted her to wish her merry xmas - I almost felt I was betraying this other ex who suffered more than I did with her as we are online friends now.

However even some of my friends have said my actions in contacting the exes were odd and not socially acceptable.  Are they correct? Is this evidence of something wrong in my wiring?  Or is it acceptable to try and find validation from a BPD ex's other exes?



  

[Harley Quinn]

I know that two of my exBPDbf's exes had been in touch with one another and had become friends.  He used to joke that eventually I'd be friends with them both too.  I can see that there is a shared experience that is otherwise difficult to find with others who have not encountered a BPD r/s and it's natural to seek out others who can understand.  There is a reason why this site has over 100 000 members after all.  Not everyone can empathise with what we go through during a r/s like that and certainly the aftermath is like no other. 

I'd not worry too much about what is deemed socially acceptable in this instance.  Your turmoil drove you to seek answers.  As it turns out your contact was welcomed and sounds like you were not taking the opportunity to tear down your ex, but to examine what you'd been through and compare notes for clarity.  If you're able to maintain a friendship with this guy that isn't solely centred around ruminating over your ex then something good has come of it.  I'd be a bit wary of only having that in common however and try to both break free of cycles of discussing the past.  Looking back is fine for a time, then we must begin to look forwards to the future.  Keep that in mind, or else spending time with him locked in focus on her is going to hold you both back from detaching and healing.

Love and light x 

[Mutt]

Hi Dargumin,

Like you said you weee seeking validation and wanted to confirm what you suspected. You went back to check if there’s a pattern there. That works for some people. The bigger picture is that this is a part of many other parts of your healing path. I don’t think that you’re going to go back and ask them again? Its one and done.

[Dargumin]

I know that two of my exBPDbf's exes had been in touch with one another and had become friends.  He used to joke that eventually I'd be friends with them both too.  I can see that there is a shared experience that is otherwise difficult to find with others who have not encountered a BPD r/s and it's natural to seek out others who can understand.  There is a reason why this site has over 100 000 members after all.  Not everyone can empathise with what we go through during a r/s like that and certainly the aftermath is like no other. 

I'd not worry too much about what is deemed socially acceptable in this instance.  Your turmoil drove you to seek answers.  As it turns out your contact was welcomed and sounds like you were not taking the opportunity to tear down your ex, but to examine what you'd been through and compare notes for clarity.  If you're able to maintain a friendship with this guy that isn't solely centred around ruminating over your ex then something good has come of it.  I'd be a bit wary of only having that in common however and try to both break free of cycles of discussing the past.  Looking back is fine for a time, then we must begin to look forwards to the future.  Keep that in mind, or else spending time with him locked in focus on her is going to hold you both back from detaching and healing.

Love and light x 

I really appreciate your understanding and good advice. It's nice to know I'm not alone in wanting to seek out other exes of a BPDex for validation.  I really want to move forwards now, I'm very angry at the world that out of all the people that could have had this disorder, she was picked to receive it. We lost one of the good ones.

[Zen606]

This is an interesting topic because I have been wanting to contact the wife of my ex bp trait male partner . I am curious to see if his behavior  was an issue when they were married. I believe it was because bptraits occur over time. I have not contacted her because I thought it would be inappropriate but after reading your posts I am re thinking emailing her.

[Summer67]

Hi,
as you are all in the same scene, I don't think it's that weird to get in touch with the exes. I never met the former romantic partners of my ex-bf, so I have not contacted them. But I did talk to both his brothers about his previous relationships, and they both assured me that the pattern of aggression and troublemaking had occurred before. It gave me some relief - to know that it was not me who had elicited this behaviour all by myself.
Summer

[Harley Quinn]

Summer67 makes a good point here.

It gave me some relief - to know that it was not me who had elicited this behaviour all by myself.

Many of us will have been told that we were the cause of the behaviours and if that is something that remains a belief on our part, it can be damaging to our self esteem which is likely already low and thus affect our healing.  If contacting an ex partner in the early stages of detaching helps to put that to rest and prevent the cycle of self blame and guilt, then that can be a positive in my opinion. 
It also depends on the situation (how extreme the behaviour was being a key thing to consider) and whether you can be confident that there is no chance of there being negative repercussions from it.  It is important to be wary of smear campaigns that could be damaging or escalation in destructive behaviour, and having certainty that there is no ongoing r/s between these people and the ex is going to be a factor in making decisions about this. 

There also comes a point where we need to see it all for what it is, and by learning enough about BPD we can see that blame and projection are common, so this gives us the chance to let go of these things without the need to investigate further.  It is a personal decision, and I would encourage anyone considering this to think it through carefully, maybe discuss it with others first to get an outside view and to always safeguard themselves against any backlash if they decide to go ahead. 

Personally, I had no wish to have any connection to anyone in his life, past or present, as that to me was maintaining a link to him that I simply didn't want in my bid to move forwards.  So I did not contact any of the exes.  Sometimes it can be worth considering whether contacting others to discuss an ex is in an indirect way keeping that person in our lives rather than directing our attention to ourselves.  Just food for thought.

Love and light x