Dumped again like a pair of old jeans.

[Etuhu]

I don't know if I've posted my whole story here but anyway here it is (sorry if it's a bit long):

She worked with me for two years before I asked her out (my, now ex) it took me a while to gather up the courage. There was something "different" about her that I couldn't quite figure out. She didny seem to care much about things and she also had what she calls resting ___ face. I dont know why but this made me attracted to her even more.

I knew she was single as she broke up with another guy we used to work with (same company) that lasted over a year. Right before I asked her out we were all out on someone else's leaving party and i could see the guy (her ex begging her outside) little did I know that that would be me in a year's time.

Anyway, for the first few months everything was amazing. I mean, the sex, the excitement, I fell in love with her in a matter of weeks. We were together pretty much all of our spare time and I practically moved into her mum's house with her after a month or so... .

There were warning signs that i should of noticed before three months in (when the "honeymoon period kind of ended) like her talking about all of her previous ex's, which kind of made me insecure. She would plan to go out with me and arrive an hour later or cause arguments over nothing and not talk to me for days. Anyway three months in, it was my brothers birthday and for the first time I went drinking with her, she was flirting with the barman and ended up punching me in the face outside, which then ended up in me apparently hitting her (I will never know if I did or didn't but she claims I did) this was the first time she tried breaking up with me.

I should of walked at that point but for some reason I begged her back, apologised for hitting her and a carried on like normal. Little did I know a would now break up and make up every other week or every time she made a mountain out of a mole hill.

She started looking in my phone, although I checked hers too. She told me her ex boyfriend raped her and abused her and was a narcissist and that she still had flashbacks over it all. This as 6 years ago but still he had been contacting her over the years and apparently even broke in to the house to move furniture around to "___ with her head".

Everything was paranoia, everything I did was questioned. I picked her up one night after she had been out drinking with friends and due to anxiety couldn't quite perform, well that was it all hell broke loose, "you're sleeping around, you're ___ing other girls".

I started questioning my self, but still stayed with her on and off for a year and 4 months. I got a tattoo, she asked if it was to cover up love bites, I lost my phone she said I was lying. I was practically jumping through hoops until one day she dumped me and just completely ghosted me after our FB relationship status was removed (I did not do it) she said I was clearly hiding something and just cut off all contact in the space of one day.

Two or three months later after begging her, showing up at her work, depressed and feeling like ___ still not knowing what was going on, she got back with me after agreeing to meet me a few times. She said she was moving 100 miles away to be with her auntie who has cancer. I told her I loved her and would wait for her if i could see her every other week at least. We would meet up and do things like camping, sleep in our cars etc just to be together but during this time she got more and more paranoid thinking I was looking at other girls who were clearly uglier and less attractive than she was. But rather than ask me she would just insist I was and i couldn't convince her otherwise because she had already made up her mind.

Four months later she came back to be with me, she said. I don't think it was to be with me but I NEVER really questioned it I was just happy that I could be close to her like before.

Things went ok for a few more months but during this time I felt like she was less interested in me than before, she used to ask me if i was bored of her etc and refuse to talk about problems in the relationship instead discussing it with her friends and going to sleep without even messaging me back.

Any time i needed her she was not there and it would always be thrown in my face. I was almost beaten to death a couple of years before I met her which I told her about while we were working together and even then when I came face to face with the main person who did it, she simply accused me of other things and asked me where I had been, telling me to get the ___ out of her house.

This brings me to now, last month she seemed a bit distant and wouldn't answer when i called always seemed busy and not emotionally there. I had just taken another job and was doing a lot of hours which she didn't believe, she turned up at my work and found out i was telling her the truth about being there but then the next day when we went for dinner (my idea and I paid) she accuses me of looking at another girl in another table and said I can't do this anymore.

She dumped my clothes outside of my house where the rubbish gets put rather than hand it to me and hasn't really spoken to me in over a month despite just reading my messages and not replying. I haven't seen or spoke to her apart from one or two messages where she said I can't be with you, I love you but i don't trust you.

I really don't know what to make of this. She won't agree to meet me or even talk to me and all of this after we made plans to spend Christmas together and do our shopping together.

Sorry it's a bit long winded but I don't know where i am mentally right now. That is not even the full story but to tell you that I would be here all day.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Etuhu]

Despite everything that she has put me through as well, all of the silent treatment, accusations etc I still can't stop loving her and it's destroying me that she won't just be with me.

The first time she seemed to want nothing more to do with me was a complete shock as well because the day before we were planning our future (she talked about kids and marriage etc). I had to see a psychiatrist. This was how I found out she may have BPD as I told the psychiatrist everything that has happened and about her childhood (no Dad, abused by relatives, emotionally absent mother)

But this time it seems like she really doesn't care about me anymore so I am not sure if she will ever return it was just a conplete shock especially after telling me she loved me the day before.

I have tried to initiate contact for the last month but so far she's pretty much ignored everything. She cannot seem to see any of the good like I can and I'm being treated like Satan almost like I did something to deserve to be dropped on my head again.

I don't even think she gives me a second thought now.

[Etuhu]

Anyway my question is: is it likely that is the end of it now?

[Lost-love-mind]

give it time.
Sounds volatile.
Info she related about her ex raping her ?
I never want to doubt a woman that relays that info, but... .
It appears as a common symptom amongst pwBPD.
My exBPD claimed similar at age 15 from one of her mother's boyfriend.
Give it time. Stay away for awhile.
Who knows what can happen. But don't plead or beg. Trust me that makes it worse.

[Etuhu]

I have kind of begged her so far (it's been a month)

Can I still repair the damage I have done ?

[Husband321]

I have kind of begged her so far (it's been a month)

Can I still repair the damage I have done ?

I think so.  Just let her miss you.

No matter what you do or don't do, they will come back if they want to.

My ex BPD wife seemed to have an internal radar knowing exactly when I was moving on. Then she would want to work it out.

[Lost-love-mind]

I have kind of begged her so far (it's been a month)

Can I still repair the damage I have done ?

Bro
Repair? Why?
I know exactly the feeling. After 6 mos since my breakup and I still think of having an adult conversation with her. Yet, when she broke up with me she acted like a child.
For the last 5 months I've been on this form and I guess there's a pattern of the PwBPD not providing closure like an adult
I know the feeling of the idealized praise she gave you at the beginning. When was the last time you had a great moment with her (not sex)?
Good luck but stay strong and allow time.

[Etuhu]

She's acting so uninterested it's like I never existed in the first place. Doesn't seem that bothered about me to be honest and didn't even reply when I said merry Christmas.

We have a lot of good memories but she only seems to remember the bad ones.

What are the chances of her suddenly realising what we had kt should i just walk away.

It's been a month.

[ConcernedMan92]

I'm in a very similar position like you, its been a month and half, honestly you need to start seeing the negatives in the relationship, if you see the positives or anything that reminds you of her, it gets very difficult to start the healing process. I have thrown away my engagement ring, I deleted all of our photos (which was extremely difficult as I went through them one last time) What i'm trying to say is, try getting rid of everything that reminds you of her. It really isn't worth being so naive thinking that she might come back one day. You need to realize you're more important than anything else in this world and after you should be your blood (family). I gave this girl everything I had, I left my family, abandoned all of my female friends (cause she got jealous and wouldn't stop crying), I left my job to go see her cause she threatened suicide, I abandoned my future in another country just so I could stay with her. Honestly its not worth the price you have to pay for your own happiness. You are the best thing in the world and you have to know that noone else can make you happy. Get busy hanging out with friends, love your family, join a gym and channel your anger/sadness into something positive. Its extremely difficult and painful but you must move on first and if you still believe you can love this girl then go ahead there is nothing that can stop fate. But for now you have to realize no matter how much you plead/beg she won't change her mind, it has to be her own idea. Trust me when she sees you moving on she'll jump back into your life and ruin it again. I already experienced this again so its really upto you if you want her back in your life again.

[Etuhu]

She hasn't even wished me a merry Christmas I mean, that's what I get for all the time I spent trying to please her. What the ___?

I am going out of my mind.

Btw this is in the wrong section as we have broken up she said "I can't do this anymore I love you but i can't be with someone that I can't trust"

Can't help but thinking that excuse was a lie because she has shown no interest in me at all for about a month and I'm going out of my mind.

[Meili]

Btw this is in the wrong section as we have broken up she said "I can't do this anymore I love you but i can't be with someone that I can't trust"

Whether it's in the wrong section of the forum depends on whether or not you have given up on the idea of salvaging the relationship. I realize how trite this sounds, but as long as you have hope, then hope exists.

Where are you on things?

[Etuhu]

Well it's been about a month and a half since she ended it and she hasn't really initiated anything contact wise it's always been me. I finally got her to agree to meet up with me for a coffee but when the day finally came she said can we rearrange it, she doesn't feel well.

She's acting pretty uninterested since she dumped me and hasn't really hinted on us ever getting back togdther because she "can't be with someone she doesn't trust."

Every time I have asked if there was anyone else she has said no, and basically says she isn't looking for that right now but I don't know whether to believe that or not.

At this point I kind of feel like she doesn't really give a ___ about me and it's weird because the day because she dumped me she was "in love with me". I do love her still and would like to see her again but she isn't making it easy and the showing no interest all of a sudden is really starting to get to me.

What should i do if i want her back at this stage or is it too late? I miss her so much but she doesn't seem that interested and doesn't seem to be that fussed whether she sees me again, ever.

[Etuhu]

Does it seem like I have been discarded ?

Should i leave it at that ?

She hasn't really initiated ckntact maybe she doesn't remember all of the good times we had like I do ?

[once removed]

What should i do if i want her back at this stage or is it too late? I miss her so much but she doesn't seem that interested and doesn't seem to be that fussed whether she sees me again, ever.

a lot of the advice youve received is spot on.

pursuing her is pushing her away. i can understand wanting to show your love, and hoping that she will see the light. if thats going to happen, its something shes going to have to do on her own, in her own time.

you dont have a lot of cards to play other than to give her some space (this could take a month or two or three), to learn the tools and lessons to the right of the board, and to get grounded and in a place where, if she comes back, youre prepared to treat it as a completely new relationship with a very different game plan.

those arent small moves, and there is hope for them, its just going to likely take some time. can you do that?

can you tell us the nature of the last contact, and what was said? also, are the two of you friends on social media?

[Etuhu]

I removed her from Facebook (to save myself having to see updates which might piss me off)

She hasn't removed me from Whatsapp for some reason and neither have I but she doesn't message me and only replies with one word answers when I message her.

We have only had two phone conversations in the month and a half since she walked off on me and they weren't positive in regards to her wanting to get back together with me.

If I call her she declines it, if I message her she leaves it for hours and hours before replying.

[juju2]

i totally get your position.

All i can share is be strong, know yourself, and do not be swayed by the other person, or good meaning griends and family.  Only i know what is going on.

I read on here that us nons are the " keepers of hope"... .and as such, that can really take something.  I am going thru this now  w my pwBPD.  We have a 10 yr history, living together, w my kid, then his kids, ups /downs, he had 4 surgeries, financial issues, intimacy issues, you name it, we lived thru it.

We are now separated, he says wants to be friends, and i see that there is more, in his demeanor and physical being. getting down to the very core of this relationship, there is a lot of comraderie, understanding, and affinity.  I am not willing to toss that out.


 We nons have to become experts in humanity and being generous and loving.  It is a high calling, and you can accept or decline at any time!

For me, i am leaving the way open.

  I know who he is, who we are.  let each day strengthen you.  i take it one day at a time, there is NOTHING i have to resolve today.just realizing this, takes the pressure off... .  all of this is from my perspective, you can take what you like and leave the rest.

Blessings, j

[Etuhu]

Thing is, is there any hope she does still give a crap about me after a month and a half of not seeing me?

And if she was or is seeing someone else why would she not tell me that?

Her lack of interest and not reaching out is really frustrating me. The good times we shared are not even in her mind at all.

Do I just go full no contact and delete her from everything and move on?

I do want her back but shes showing no signs of interest.

[once removed]

ive been in a similar position. youre in the thick of it. try to see the bigger picture from an outside perspective here, because if you want to have hope, its going to take a big perspective change, and a new approach.

Thing is, is there any hope she does still give a crap about me after a month and a half of not seeing me?

she hasnt had much opportunity to, Etuhu. thats the opportunity you need to give her now. being pursued after a breakup tends to push anyone away, they want distance (shes made that clear) and they just want to be away from it. thats not personal between her and you, thats pretty normal. if you can give her that opportunity, something might shift. she will be pleasantly surprised that you backed off. after a while, she may wonder whats up, how youre doing, her perspective may shift. thats your best bet.

And if she was or is seeing someone else why would she not tell me that?

simply, because its not an appropriate conversation to have with someone youve recently broken up with. it can make us look possessive and clingy. if you had broken up with her, would you want to deal with those questions?

Do I just go full no contact and delete her from everything and move on?

you can do that. it wouldnt lend itself to getting her back, though. i would try to see it more in terms of ending the pursuit, taking some space, and getting back to yourself, getting grounded. no big dramatic moves, just get back to your life, and rebuild yourself. youve spent that month and a half focusing on her, which is understandable (ive been there), but its not the ideal healthy space you want to operate in. if she came back tomorrow, it would crash and burn. when and if she comes back, you want to be seen as inviting, strong, attractive; the confident, upbeat guy she fell for in the first place.

its going to take time Etuhu, and virtually all of the work to be done will involve getting out of the day to day focus on her, and focusing on yourself.

can you do that?

[juju2]

From what i see, its about you, not them.

Who are you going to be.?

we are the leaders, and that is hard to get, because we are at the effect of their behavior... .we can get enmeshed and lose our power or unwittingly, give our power over... .breathe.  take a big breath.

any way you slice it, it is up to you.

In the face of ... . who are you. ?

Keep reading these boards.  There is so much good info and great support.

bless you, j

[Etuhu]

So what do I do: stop messaging her and just get on with it?

Won't she just date other guys then ? (Probably is already, idk)

Is the fact that she isn't messaging me not like, worrying from my side if I'm ever gonna get her back ?

[once removed]

has what youve been doing worked?

before we can make things better, we have to stop making them worse.

[Etuhu]

If she was seeing someone else would she not just rub my face in it ? I'm pretty sure she must be but she says she isnt. What is the purpose of lying about that I mean what do you gain out of it?

I will take your advice and back off because I don't have any kther choice anyway I am just struggling to see how she doesn't feel guilty about what she's done to me at all (especially IF she is seeing someone else)

The main reason I think she is is because she never goes online anymkre even when shes at home and she is usually on facebook a lot... .

How do I make her give a ___ again?

Any other advice ?

[ConcernedMan92]

I know how you feel, its like we never mattered at all. I read her blog recently which I shouldnt have, I was doing so well moving on. Just try to keep your self busy. When you realize its not your fault, its not even their fault but actually the illness you can come out of the state that youre in. Stay strong buddy

[Meili]

Etuhu, you are asking a lot of questions about what she might be thinking or doing. Early, after the breakup, it's hard to not ask those questions. There is so much hurt, confusion, and desperation. We want so badly to have the loving feelings that we once had. It's natural and to be expected because you are so raw.

I think that you should look at why you think that she's lying to you. There seems to be a huge lack of trust. What would happen if she came back today? Would anything change? Would the things that lead to the break up be any different? Would you trust her? If so, why don't you trust her now?

once removed and juju2 have been giving you some great advice. The very things that they are telling you are part of the answers to your questions about how to make yourself attractive to her again.

[Etuhu]

I can't believe she isnt seeing somebody because she was getting distant leading up to it then all of a sudden shows up at my work to check up on ME when she's the one at home all day not answering the phone when I call.

Next day she dumped me even though I proved her wrong and was at work. But weeks leading up to this she asked me out of nothing "are you bored of me" for no obvious reason.

Projection? Not sure.

Cheating and thinking that I would do it ? It's all been so easy for her to forget me since then she hasn't even sent me a text message to ask how I was and I'm the one trying to initiate things.

She either doesn't give a ___ about me or is seeing someone and that's what the distraction is.

Thoughts?

[Meili]

My thoughts are that there are an infinite number of possible reasons. Maybe she's started a new hobby. Maybe she's feeling depressed and wants to be alone. Maybe she's been abducted by aliens who wear tin foil hats. There are as many possibilities as the imagination will allow. Any one is just as possible and likely as another.

But, here's the reality: It doesn't really matter why. What matters is what you choose to do with the time.

If she is seeing someone else, or she doesn't care for you at this moment, would that change how you feel or what you are going to do with yourself?

[Etuhu]

No obviously i know I have to carry on no matter how painful it is but I would like her back, I love her and think it was a stupid reason to end things with me.

What do you mean at this point in time? Is she likely to suddenly become interested in me again i don't get it?

It does feel like this is the end but I don't want it to be.

[once removed]

Is she likely to suddenly become interested in me again i don't get it?

its an uphill battle Etuhu. you have to play the hand youve got. the advice youve been given will give you the best odds of that happening. doing what you have been doing will give you the results youve gotten.

[Meili]

Yes, your life will go on, but are you going to allow her to dictate what your actions are? That's really what I'm asking.

Whether or not she finds interest in you again is largely based on what you do.

As once removed pointed out, you have hardly given her the opportunity to miss you.

Many of us get caught up in the pain of the moment and lose sight of the bigger picture. I really did when my x and I first split. I was so frantic and focused on finding a quick fix and wanting things to be what they were in the beginning that I couldn't slow down to think about how to make things better. I had to learn a completely different way of viewing things.

Are you willing to do that?

[Etuhu]

Yes, so what do I do just stop messaging her etc ?