I have aspergers. I care for someone with BPD. Help me do my job well?

[Depression = 72% of members]

  I have a legitimate aspergers diagnosis from a doctor. I am a caregiver to someone with BPD. Prior to yesterday, we had a very strong bond and got along very well. Yesterday, we had an argument over honesty, and I feel the relationship has been damaged and I would like to know what I could possibly do to repair it. Can anyone help?

[Donkus]

  I have a legitimate aspergers diagnosis from a doctor. I am a caregiver to someone with BPD. Prior to yesterday, we had a very strong bond and got along very well. Yesterday, we had an argument over honesty, and I feel the relationship has been damaged and I would like to know what I could possibly do to repair it. Can anyone help?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[zachira]

It is so hard to be in your situation because like any normal human being you expect your feelings to be honored. The struggle is to accept that your feelings will not be heard or respected. It is best to say nothing, as hard as it is. Limit your contact and walk away, hung up the phone, when you are being abused. Person with BPD get mad at any time for no reason, and they have no remorse or perspective on how they have behaved, so talking about what happened later does not usually work.

[Donkus]

Is she likely to remain angry at me forever or will it pass with time? This is the first time we have ever argued. Because of my aspergers, I am not great at sensing other peoples emotions, but when they make them clear to me, I do have empathy.

[Turkish]

My 7 year old son is ASD1 (what they used to call Asperger's). I notice that he has Rescuing rendencies, mostly demonstrated to his 5 yo sister,  who is a major princess and attention seeker.

This wasn't the first time you missed cues,  yes? What,  specifically, brought this latest incident on? How are you a caregiver?

Turkish

[Radcliff]

Donkus,

I'm sorry you're coping with BPD, but am glad you have found us.  This site is an excellent resource for learning about BPD.

It is important to recognize that BPD exists on a spectrum, and every pwBPD is different.  So you should be cautious about broad generalizations, and about any advice given without an understanding of the particulars of your situation.

Can you tell us more about the context of your relationship, and how long you have been in the relationship?  Is she a significant other, a parent, sister, or child?

As a non-emotionally intuitive person married to a pwBPD, I can relate to your situation.  My wife is highly emotional, and gifted at detecting the emotions of others.  I am not.  She expects me to read her mind.  I cannot.  I have painstakingly figured out how things work through years of observation and study.  Two major jumps in my ability to cope occurred when I found out what BPD was, and then a few years later, when I found this site.

You have a good news/bad news situation.  The bad news is the mismatch between the BPD's emotional world and that of the non-intuitive person's world.  You already know the bad news.  The good news is that BPD is full of patterns that can be learned and recognized.  Patterns in her behavior, but also patterned responses and habits you can learn that will help you both.  Your empathy, combined with study and hard work, can give you traction on this problem.

If you can give us more background on your relationship, I'd be happy to guide you to the best resources to start climbing the learning curve.  You absolutely can learn enough to make big improvements.

WW

[Donkus]

I apologize for the delay, I hadn't been working until today. I work at an adult foster care facility since June of this year. I am technically not allowed to divulge too much information, but so long as I don't say her name or location, I don't see the harm... .

This client lives in the home where I work. It is very small with 1 staff at a time usually. The client suffers from BPD, FAS (mild enough that there are no visible physical effects), and was diagnosed with RAD (reactive attachment) as a child but this is not on her current standing diagnoses, perhaps because she was misdiagnosed and actually just BPD? She has a history of self-harming. She is in her mid twenties but acts very much like a teenager in many aspects. She is very much on the lookout for herself 100% of the time and cares very little for other peoples' desires. She often expects courtesies from others that she would never offer to them. I do not believe she is capable of understanding that everyone's desires are equally important, so I don't fault her for that, I really do genuinely believe that it is beyond her understanding and she can't help it. Occasionally, she will do something thoughtful like buy a card for someone on their birthday, holiday, or to say thank you. But only if it doesn't inconvenience her. For example, when her mother was hospitalized with a serious illness, she asked her housemate for money to buy a card even though she had more than enough money. When her housemate pointed this out, she responded "I can't spend that on a card, that's for my candies that I want. I guess I just can't get a card for my mom then." accusatorily as though it was her housemate's fault for not giving her money. Frequent things like this.

We got into it because she has requirements she must meet each day in order to do what she wants on the weekend. One of these is exercise, and she was caught in a lie about having completed her 30 mins exercise. She was legitimately upset at being caught. I tried to talk it through with her and explain exactly why she hadn't met her requirements (because of choices SHE made, not anything anyone else did) and she got just inexplicably angry and didn't talk to me for the rest of the night. She refused meds and I had to have our NOC staff give them to her an hour past the cutoff time just so she would remain stable for the AM staff... .She has since gone to be with family for the holidays, but is expected back on Wednesday and I am so scared she is still going to be upset with me and not want to cooperate, or act out.

[Donkus]

I went through early therapy and was trained to be very conscious of cause and effect, I suppose as a way to give me some sort of artificial awareness. Consequently, when someone else does NOT understand cause and effect, it sort of just... .Like my brain just stops because I can't comprehend why this person can't understand it, if that makes sense? I usually end up involuntarily speechless with the most dumbfounded look on my face, just staring like "Are you kidding?" and I am starting to wonder if perhaps she picked up on this and was offended by it, which I could understand, if that were the case. But she wouldn't talk to me about what she was feeling, so I can only guess.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Donkus,

Welcome! *Welcome* I used to run a facility for adults with developmental disabilities and my employees often had these exact same types of difficulties with our clients. It sounds to me like you handled the situation appropriately. When my employees had to deal with situations where the individual did not want to take their meds, I always suggested that they give them a little time to calm down, try again, give a little time, then try again. If after the 3rd time they still couldn't get them to take their meds, then they should ask someone else to help.

Did you receive any kind of training on handling this type of behavior, such as MANDT or CPI? Does this individual have instructions in her plan on how to handle her BPD type behavior? If not, this may be something for you to look at getting into her plan at her next meeting. This will allow the whole team to find a consistent way to help her.

One thing that I often saw in employees in the caretaker field is that they sometimes struggled with boundaries with our clients. I tried to teach them that although it's important to care for the clients and it's ok to have strong affection for them, it's also important to remember that they are in a paid relationship with that person. They are getting treatment for whatever causes them to need to live in a home. They will say and do things that hurt our feelings, but it is not personal. Client gets angry with you because you are the person there at the time. They would get angry with whoever was there. I promise that you are not the first of her staff that she got mad at and you will not be the last.

For your own well being, you'll have to learn how to detach from her behavior. If you begin to give in to her demands due to wanting to make sure your relationship with her reamins peaceful, then it will throw off the dynamics within the whole team. Our article on Being an Emotional Caregiver may help you. Lean on fellow co-workers with necessary. Keep your supervisor informed of issues. Take some time to check out our lessons on the right. They could help you learn new ways of communicating with her.

[Donkus]

Tattered Heart, thank you, that is extremely helpful!

I didn't get any sort of actual training on any of these clients. I know that sounds bad, and believe me, it really does leave us in the dark not knowing any way to handle each situation aside from just advice from coworkers or past experiences. I am relatively new but I have noticed that it seems employees do not stay here very long... .I guess it isn't for everyone... .The client greeted me warmly today and seems not to be upset with me anymore, but is upset over other things, though not directly at me... .

Our manager is really detached and indifferent about... .Well... .Everything. But our higher-up supervisor is superb and eager to help, but usually extremely busy. I am going to ask if I can get any in-depth education or training on avoiding doing the wrong thing in the future. Any advice anyone can give is greatly appreciated though. I am pretty out of my element here.