Progress Update: Removed from Social Media

[RonaldAndNancy]

First - thank you all for your posts, shared stories and feedback. What I feel like today vs just a month ago continues to give me hope that patience and focusing on myself to move forward will heal my wounds.

One thing I would like to update everyone on is that while it has been very hard to follow through on NC (she's hanging on by a thread because she's slowly moving her things out of my place, I took back her key because i don't trust her being in my house alone. I gave her an end date multiple times to remove her things but now it's come down to a final date and if she doesn't move her stuff out it's mine which means it's going in the trash or to goodwill) I did tell her the other day that we aren't friends and I don't think we can ever be friends. Her response was anger and blame towards me but I felt like that was my way of finding closure to our relationship. She dumped me with the hopes to still call me friend and from what my therapist told me she still wants to "keep one foot in the door." Following her rant and blame towards me I then unfriended her on Facebook and unfollowed her on all other social media.

It's been a few days now and for some reason I feel like a big weight has been lifted. My gut tells me is that I'm finally looking out for myself and this is my decision never to get back with her.

Has anyone felt like this before? Or am I just really good at tricking myself into thinking I'm feeling better : )

[Shoct]

hi again RonaldAndNancy,

That is so strong of you to do that, and look for final closure. And I hope that the feeling of a weight being lifted persists. It seems that there are times when it doesn't feeling like the dread will ever relent. When any improvement day to day is either imperceptible or, worse, you feel like you are going backwards. I am far too soon into my NC to offer much guidance on how this shifts, but I wanted to respond... .

Up until Tuesday of this week I didn't know how I was going to make it through the day. Work became torture, as I found it impossible to concentrate but the nights were the worst. There was no escape from the frantic feeling of needing to do something but having nothing to do, when the only thing you want in the entire world is to hear from your ex but you know its over.

As some of you saw, I went through a bit of anger this week, and I took it as the time to (finally) block her from my instagram (the only social media i use). And for the whole day I felt so much better. I really had thought I had turned the corner, and that I would be able to escape the black pit of depression's orbit.

Now, two days later and I am having a difficult day. Why though? I know that this is a nonlinear path to accept, grow and move on, but I think there was a touch more to it.

Last night and all day today I have been struggling so hard in my conflicted thoughts. My brain is at war with itself. There is such a huge part of me that would do anything for her, but, at the same time I could never be with her again. It makes me feel crazy. Back and forth, talking to myself, writing, pacing, smoking (after quitting for years), and other not healthy things.

I think you and I are in different places, and it sounds like you have truly accepted the finality. And I am very pleased to here it, although i know it is dreadful in its own way. I hope that was the final closure you need to fly to freedom.

For me, sadly, I am now realizing that my blocking her on instagram was not an attempt to really block her, but to get her attention. We met b/c she fell in love with my photos (or so she told me), and that was our main connection and something we shared closely. It pains me to admit to myself that now i wanted her to notice that she can't see my pictures anymore and write me. But i don't think she even noticed. I make the mistake of looking at her IG account and she has not blocked me. I can only think that means she hasn't even noticed I blocker her, or I am so far from her thoughts it doesn't bother her and she doesn't care at all. It was my falling back into despair that caused me to realize that I was't feeling better because I was angry, but that i had done something to get her attention, and it didn't work.

How pathetic is that

[pearlsw]

Hi RonaldandNancy, I say if you feel good now enjoy it and take it for the win! This is now and you deserve to feel good! You are incredibly strong to go NC after the end of a relationship. I am not sure I have done that so fast and so finally. I tended to stay friends with ex's. This NC is something that may happen to me in the future so I am glad you are pioneer out there showing us how it is done! What made this possible? Support from your T? More?

[RonaldAndNancy]

Hi pearlsw - thank you for the words of encouragement as they're helping instill the confidence I know I'll need to continue to move forward. By no means is it easy - I slipped up yesterday and this morning by searching for her Instagram profile. Even though I don't follow her on social media anymore, I did give-in to that urge and looked her up. Saw her profile picture is still of us and simply closed the app and went on with my day.

The thing that is pushing me every day is the fact that I need to truly believe that I don't need her or anyone else to be the best version of myself. I'm 99% sure that I'm a codependent and tie that with my ambition I find myself needing someone to share my success and challenges with. It's terrifying to take on the world by yourself, but a lot of people in my network keep telling me to define who I am. So that's the only thing I'm thinking about right now.

An interesting thing to note - I'm now beginning to understand that even if she was to call me, tell me she's seeing a therapist and said that she wants to get back... .My gut and my mind tell me to say no because I'm not done defining who I am; if I truly want to be with her I have to know my beliefs, values and have my sht together 

[Bo123]

You got a great start it sounds like and if you can maintain that trajectory it will be a lot less painful than it is for most.  You have the upper hand so keep it as once you lose it, you'll never get it back.  Stay strong.  Good luck and Merry xmas.