Closure temptation

[Shoct]

Hi everyone... .

I am really struggling this morning. I woke up and unblocked my ex so i could see her instagram account.

I have now written about 5 draft emails to her, wanting to find some sort of closure. I think. I keep telling myself that is why I want to write. But that i have to convince myself of that troubles me.

I can't believe I am asking this, as I know... .but a little reassurance would be awesome... .what dangers are in writing to say 'merry christmas' and the such?

[Pencil sketch]

I feel your pain. I have done the same myself. I have no words of advice, except to say, closure, means nothing to them
Find peace within yourself, that is what I am doing.
Hugs xxx

[Shoct]

thank you Pencil sketch,

I appreciate your response and support, this is just the craziest feeling. It is like I have already seen this movie a million times but forget how it ends.

I already undermined my progress. I 'liked' some of her pictures on IG (not of her, but stuff she took pics of). I know why i did this, I wanted to get her attention. It is like the most pathetic thing there is. Instead of just writing her, and waiting for a response, I kind of float in and let her know I exist then go back to my dread and see what happens.

I think, for now, I have officially decided not to write her. At least not today. I have to somehow compose myself to head out to see family for Christmas, and if i sent her an email I would not be able to converse with people for more than 2 minutes before I had to blurt out all my problems. Not exactly what people want for Christmas. Everyone in my family that I have talked to about this has been supportive. But if I told them I tried to contact her they would think I'm nuts and, possibly, not be as willing to help again when I really need them.

I took the time to write out, to myself, all the possible ways she could respond. And all the ideas I came up with were either going to crush me into dust, or, worse, give me hope and set me back to crisis-mode I felt when she first discarded me.

I am happy to hear you are able to find peace within yourself. I hope to be able to write the same soon.

[vanx]

Shoct, you got this. It sounds like you already sorted things out but just wanted to say you're not pathetic. We've all been there, and it's hard enough as is, so go easy on yourself. It's really not a matter of you being pathetic or cool or whatever, but just making sure you are taking care of yourself.
Getting closure is definitely preferable. With my ex, I felt like I was being pretty "lame" and I told her I wanted to talk about things, and at the time actually did get some closure, but in my case it didn't relieve my suffering because I was still obsessed with understanding what the heck happened. For me, closure ultimately came when I becamed commited to loving myself unconditionally, absolved myself from trying to understand more than was useful, and focused on some of the good things I have to offer and tried to give in the relationship. I'm not saying your path is identical, but I think I picked up on you being a little hard on yourself and I urge you to go really easy on yourself.
Also, I could be wrong, but I am wondering if part of what you're experiencing is worry you will lose control, contact her, and feel worse. I'm not saying you shouldn't resist urges if doing so ultimately protects you (which I think it sounds like it does), but if you take a few steps back, no big deal, in time you will find peace either way, so don't let the stress get to you. Is there some inherent harm in saying merry christmas? I guess not, but if you will experience anxiety awaiting a response or if your emotional well being could be very effected by a particular response or lack of one, I would say why put yourself through that? You've got other things going on in your life and don't need that kind of stress. Part of you may be thinking reaching out could put you at ease, but it's 100% true you have to find closure within yourself. And you can and will do that!
Finally, hey it's totally fine to unload on your loved ones--that's what people close to you are for! People who have been through what you have know you're definitely not nuts, but experiencing some pain and aftermath of a difficult situation. But count on them and try to take their input--getting reflection from people who truly care about you is part of healing. Ok sorry for writing so much here! Take heart though--you can do this.

[Patusito]

Dear Shoct

I feel you brother. Trust me I have been there.i think it's great that you are drafting whatever you need to say. I have kept a diary this way but I never sent off anything as I knew it wouldn't change anything, really anything at all.
The only advice I can give you is to go cold turkey. It's brutal but it has to get done whether it is now, tomorrow or after x times of recycles and never ending abuse. I had a choice and I chose to take everyday of NC as a milestone to a path that will set me free. Please, please. Believe me m, the temptation is really strong and I have been there trying to break up and recycles. Enough is enough so make a deal with yourself that you will spit evil in the face and say farewell to her.
It's almost a year of NC and I haven't heard from her. You know why? Because it was my choice to face the fact that I or anyone deserves better and I'm damn proud for every day that I resisted to contact her against all odds.
Merry Xmas to you and get your pride back day by day. I promise you will look back and feel so good about yourself that you have accomplished something so daunting! Let's make a deal alright ?

[Pencil sketch]

So much support on here, and although it bloody hurts, I feel so lucky, to have found such a haven.
I changed my number, did really well for 2 weeks, and caved in, went through 2 weeks of sheer hell, which resulted in her, telling me exactly how much she hates me, and ultimately, changing her number, I have beaten myself up so many times, but I refuse to let her influence my emotions and life anymore. Do I/We really want to be associated with someone, who can show such utter contempt, hate a cowardice, if having the last laugh is that important, she can have it, I am starting to see my own self worth, and in time, so will you, be kind to yourself, and give yourself a break, you are doing just fine xxx

[Shoct]

vanx, Pencil sketch, Patusito

I am just seeing your responses now and I just wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I am in a tough place right, wracked with terrible anxiety and second guessing everything (my actions, my behavior, my ability to do the right thing).

I can't thank you all enough, the three of you and everyone else, it truly feels like we have a connection that no one else could possibly understand, nor could you explain to someone that hasn't dealt with this.

I feel like I'm at a fork in the road. She wrote me first, and ended up saying she was sorry and that she loved me. And I probably don't need to tell you how conflicted that makes me feel. We did not date for long (as I have mentioned previously), and this would be our first complete break-up. We had other things happen in the short relationship, but this was the first time it was really over. A sustained break. I never thought I would hear from her again, and now that we are in contact again I am reconsidering all my feelings and wondering if we could try again and make it work.

If I read this from someone else I would tell them to tread carefully. But I feel like I am just a passenger in this car, and my emotions are in the driver seat.

[Pencil sketch]

Hey shoct, no one can tell you what to do. We will all advise, you stay well away, and concentrate on yourself. We are also all in exactly the same position, dreading and hoping they will contact us, this cognitive dissonance is a killer.
What ever you decide, you will get no judgement, it's hard to look at something objectively, when your heart is breaking.
I went back, after 2 weeks of no contact, and if I could change that, I would, but then, I couldn't make that call, had I not gone back.
Just take care, and keep us posted xxx

[EdR]

Wow Shoct! So she send you a Christmas text first? That must have been a great feeling!

I really cannot advise you on what to do next. I just don't know. I can only imagine that 'great feeling' slowly changing into some kind of anxiety though... .

I am quite curious: her apology, did it sound heartfelt? Did you really talk about the weird stuff and did she apologise for those things?
Or was it more like a 'superficial-that's-out-of-the-way-I-do-not-want-to-talk-about-it-anymore' kind of apology?

When my pwBPD acted normal again before the summer holidays, I really wanted to talk about the weird stuff and wrap things up so that things could normalise again. She did not want to do that and gently evaded all my attempts.
I already knew this was a bad omen and indeed she split back again just after the summer holidays.
So I am really interested in your pwBPD's apology. What does your heart and mind say about it? Do they agree? Do they interpret things differently?

[Shoct]

oh jeez what a mistake i made!

Thank you so much Pencil sketch for that, it is a lesson you learned and now I have as well. I truly feel like charlie brown trying to kick the football (if that is a universal meme). You guys tried to give fair warning, and yet I was pulled back into the vortex.

EdR... .first off thank you for your response. But, ugh. This was a massive bump in the road. Yes, she texted me first, and her apology was "I'm so sorry. I really am." That was it. I was thinking it was the opening, a chance to get our communication back and we could address what happened. She told me that she had been having a hard time of late. Like a fool I assumed it was because of what happened with us. But, when i asked her it was ALL about her -- she is empty inside, her career is not going well, etc. There was nothing about us, or us not being together. Still, though, I wanted to continue the dialog.

We had several text conversations (text only, no calls, no face-to-face, to email), and my initial elation quickly faded. QUICKLY. Yesterday early evening she said she was on her way back to her apartment and I told to her safe travels... .I have not heard anything from her since.

Like Pencil sketch, I really regret this exchange. Not 100% regret, which I will explain (in my normal wordy way), but it has been a massive setback. Last night I got drunk, I know, bad. I was almost as upset as I was during the initial break-up. Sadly I had hoped for a h-o-o-v-e-r type situation, just be back in good graces, and sadly I prepped my place for her visit which I assumed would be soon. When we had our troubles previously (not a fill blown break-up like this time) she would quickly be back over like nothing had happened. I was nervous how i was going to explain that i got rid of all our r/s things and anything that reminded me of her. I was actually worried how to explain all that to her.

Well, at this point I know that was all a figment of my imagination. And last night was awful and all day today I have been a mess.

Now, as far as why I don't 100% regret this... .I am attempting a crazy idea, which i am hoping works for me and that is going LC instead of NC. it is quite possible that I will be writing a post in a day or week lamenting this decision. But, I realized that when I had her blocked from all of my accounts it gave her this strange power over me. I found myself constantly wondering if she was trying to contact me, and I unblocked her several times just to see if she would write.

Had i re-blocked her after not hearing from her I would have been haunted wondering if she was trying to get in touch. Creating scenarios in my head where she tried to text to tell me everything i could ever possibly want to hear, but since she was blocked she hurt and gave up. Ridiculous I know. And now that she is capable of texting if she chooses I can see that simply chooses not to. She could have easily wrote "thank you" after my last text, but nothing. She knows I was waiting to hear from her and she doesn't care. I needed to experience that. As hard as it is, and upset I am, i would rather have that lesson now instead of on down the road when I could possibly feel more ready to initiate contact or, god forbid, in another relationship that I start to lapse in as I try to get my ex back.

My goal as people further down this path have mentioned is not anger, or hatred, or depression, or longing. The goal is indifference. A time when I can see her picture, see her on the street, get a text from her and it does not have the power to bring me to my knees.

I am lucky in some regard that this re-contact went the way it did. We never got back together, and although I fell way backwards it was a good lesson. I told her way too much (that i loved her, that i am heartbroken, etc) and, in the end, in just two short days, she stopped all contact. If we had gotten together, had s#x, or even had been in communication longer I fear I would have completely reverted and tried to pretend that my heart wasn't broken and that she didn't say those very hurtful things to me.

[Lostinanother]

Shoct,

I’ve been where you are Mate. I think you already know this, but you’re not strong enough for LC yet. LC is best when you don’t give a toss about the communication so much... .
I think it’s best for to go completely NC and get yourself healthy again first before you contemplate any more communications at all.

[Shoct]

thanks Lostinanother, I really appreciate the post

I don't know why I have this idea that if she doesn't text/call me it will make things easier, and that if she's not blocked i know she hasn't. (that is a bit of word salad)

I know you are right, my brain does. I would say its my heart that is making me hesitate to block her again, but I am not even sure that's what it is.

I think I might have put the cart before the horse.

My reasoning is as this:
If I go LC and she doesn't contact me I will move over to NC

Reading that I can see the irrationality. It is almost as if I am trying to give her one more chance and if she doesn't reach out, well, then I block her. Yes, it seems to be a problematic proposition. And I can't help but wonder if she will text me on New Years Eve to wish a happy NY, as she did on xmas.

What I wrestle with is my own nature. I don't know how to explain it very well, but by blocking her I feel like I have given her power over my subconscious. I can't tell you how many times I dwelled on whether or not she was writing (when I initially went full NC). But, now that she could write me, and doesn't, it takes away some of that power.

UGH! what a mess

[Bo123]

A was said before, closure means nothing to them.  We who try to find it is like a dog chasing a parked car.  Nothing to be gained out of it and it's likely to hurt when you run into it.  We all want to believe that we will be that one in a million that he/she will recognize what they lost, they often feel they didn't lose anything but gained by leaving and your contact is just annoying.  Wish the facts were more positive for all of us here but they're simply not.  If it wasn't progress the individuals made for themselves here to move away from the BPD, this forum would be 99.9 negative as yours, mine, and virtually everyone else's ex BPD couldn't care less about us anymore.  It wont be until you hit your head on the wall enough that you will realize what your odds are and decide this hurts and start doing something else that doesn't involve her.  We've all been there, some still are and some have seen the light.  In time you'll soon figure it out.  Best of luck, hope you are that one in a million.

[Shoct]

thank you, Bo123, my friend

I have always had the ability to put myself in other's shoes, see from other POVs... .but, as I understand it, there is no way I could understand what it is truly like to feel as BPD do about things. And the idea that closure means nothing, and that she would have the audacity to pull my chain for her own benefit is so alien to me.

When she reached out to me before and on xmas I thought, quite incorrectly, that maybe i was the 1 in a million. That fantasy evaporated quickly.

Thank you again, I appreciate it 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Shoct,

Boundaries are on ourselves.  So for example, when I decided to go NC with my ex, I replied to one of his messages by informing him that I no longer wanted any contact with him and asking him to respect that.  I bade him farewell.  Then the boundary was on me.  When he contacted me again, I didn't reply.  The next time, I didn't reply and so on.  He discontinued contacting me.  I had enforced my boundary - not on him, but on myself by not breaking and responding.  No matter what he said.  To this day I never blocked him, as I felt able to cope with receiving and ignoring messages.  It comes as a comfort to know that he is not hounding me and is respecting my wishes.  This is what works for me.  It may not work for everyone.  My r/s was filled with extreme behaviour, so after the breakup I was wary of escalation and would have been far more anxious about my personal safety had I not known the level of contact he was attempting.

My point is that if blocking her is your way of preventing yourself from knowing if she contacts so that you don't respond then that is OK in the interim.  The goal is to reach the point whereby she isn't able to push your buttons and gain a response, therefore re opening the wound.  Work towards that in your own way, but do not reply on blocking as the sole solution.

Love and light x   

[EdR]

Hi Shoct!

I just read your recent posts in both of your threads. Don't beat yourself up.
For the record, I am feeling somewhat the same: there still is some sorrow and longing to be friends, but on the other hand there is this nagging feeling of "why did you do all this to me?".

I manage, but I must remind myself from time to time I unfortunately cannot talk it through with her and I never will.

Although I am stronger than I was a while ago, I do think about her and our friendship from time to time. And these days a LOT more. I just feel very lonely and I just don't know how to deal with that. Forcing dates or going out just is not my style and feels to me like I would be addressing the symptoms and not the core problem. I know I probably should do it anyway, but I just cannot bring myself to do it. I wish my friends would try and push me or arrange something for me... .

I am glad for you that you seem to have some sort of 'support network'. And that you ARE able to date a woman, without expectations, just to have a great time.

You are not alone.

@Harley: yeah, the way you describe NC is exactly the way I would like it to be. Let someone know you are going to have this boundary in advance and then enforce it. That's absolutely fine.
Just ignoring someone without warning feels like the ST.

[Bo123]

Shoct--The only thing that will ever make sense to you about BPD is that it doesn't make sense and it will play with your mind and make you crazy if you let it.  Logic, reason and common sense have no part in this.  It is a disorder of varying degree's and a nasty complicated one at that.  It seems that maybe if for you, that you structured your environment and thought process, this back and forth may calm down.  Easier than said I know.  Just my observation, hope you start to find some peace in all this, I wish the same for all who are dealing with BPD related issues.

[Zen606]

Hi Shoc
I sent a merry Christmas to my BP trait ex. I did this because I saw it as the right thing to do on Xmas day, along with my greetings to friends and family. I had maintained NC for two months, the Xmas greeting was the only exception.  He emailed me soon after returning the greeting and asking me to get together. He had texted and called before this saying basically the same stuff, miss you, call me, let's get together. I have not answered him. He's probably missing his supply and cannot find anyone else. I'm not responding to him, on my part it was just a greeting.  So my opinion is, if you are sending a holiday greeting out of the kindness of your heart it's OK.   About the closure, all of us have all the right in the world to have closure, however we also need to think about what having face to face contact will do to us emotionally.  If you are seeing a therapist they may have suggestions about doing closure without your ex being present. Please be careful and take your time.
Zen606

[once removed]

hi Shoct,

i can really feel, and understand your anxiety, and it makes sense to me why you feel between a rock and a hard place with regard to NC vs LC.

i dont think either is really a solution here. why? because youre not committed to letting go and grieving; you dont have to be, nothing wrong with that, but NC and LC are tools for detaching. when we arent ready to detach, either one can raise anxiety levels, and get messy fast. so as you say, blocking her is just making you wonder if shes reaching out, because its not really what you want to do. its important to know that NC is just a tool for detaching, not a hard and fast rule, and isnt going to cure anything. it also doesnt have to include blocking anything.

as far as LC, i think a good step would be to define what it means for you. want her back? blocking her wont do any good. want to be just friends down the road? that usually works best with a period of space to let emotions thaw first. want any contact to be on her terms? that could be problematic, especially if you put your life on hold for it.

if you want to revive the relationship, and it sounds like you do, i encourage you to work with us on the Saving board, and start a completely different approach.