Was she BPD lite?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Where do I start, my ex never said she was BPD but giving my history of Ex's with bi polar and BPD disorders and her actions and history it feels as though she fits the description... she was sexually abused as a child and abandoned by  her drug addict parents. She admitted to using men for $ in the past. But we met on the job at a fortune 500 company.  We flirted for a year off and on and finally dated for 5months. I was smitten, my love for her grew daily... I talked about marriage/kids/ house. And she reminded me that I was the best thing to ever happen to her... let's get this out of the way... yes I have codependent tendencies, and the lack of boundaries makes my head hurt. She used Mary Jane daily and occasional other drug as did i ... but she never acted out... We lived together after 2months... it was blissful... she reminded me that she wasn't like any of my ex's , she wouldn't ever treat me bad... and honestly she didn't. We didn't ever really argue or fight... and when we did have a spat  she would just get really emotional and cry. She would say I was insecure at times but that stemmed from her contact with an ex regarding money that he owed her... in hindsight...   they are together now. It seems as if our relationship was just a waiting room... for her to get back with this on and off ex of 4yrs... the breakup was fast and I feel as if I was the blame... the guilt is overwhelming, I'm in a very dark place... I can't shake these feelings... we went from great to non existent in days... at the end of the relationship she wanted to stay bf/gf while she moved in with her ex's mom... . I declined. And became the devil to her. I feel like I should have been smarter. But I still want her back...

[The.u.in.us]

Where do I start, my ex never said she was BPD but giving my history of Ex's with bi polar and BPD disorders and her actions and history it feels as though she fits the description... she was sexually abused as a child and abandoned by  her drug addict parents. She admitted to using men for $ in the past. But we met on the job at a fortune 500 company.  We flirted for a year off and on and finally dated for 5months. I was smitten, my love for her grew daily... I talked about marriage/kids/ house. And she reminded me that I was the best thing to ever happen to her... let's get this out of the way... yes I have codependent tendencies, and the lack of boundaries makes my head hurt. She used Mary Jane daily and occasional other drug as did i ... but she never acted out... We lived together after 2months... it was blissful... she reminded me that she wasn't like any of my ex's , she wouldn't ever treat me bad... and honestly she didn't. We didn't ever really argue or fight... and when we did have a spat  she would just get really emotional and cry. She would say I was insecure at times but that stemmed from her contact with an ex regarding money that he owed her... in hindsight...   they are together now. It seems as if our relationship was just a waiting room... for her to get back with this on and off ex of 4yrs... the breakup was fast and I feel as if I was the blame... the guilt is overwhelming, I'm in a very dark place... I can't shake these feelings... we went from great to non existent in days... at the end of the relationship she wanted to stay bf/gf while she moved in with her ex's mom... . I declined. And became the devil to her. I feel like I should have been smarter. But I still want her back...

[Harley Quinn]

Hi The.u.in.us and welcome 

Thanks for sharing your situation with us.  How long ago did you split up?  It sounds as though you were love bombed throughout until the sudden discard, which has got to be a big shock and really painful for you.  Unfortunately the r/s was relatively short and it's possible that had it lasted longer you might have been subjected to worse behaviours, which in one sense would give you a slightly more balanced perspective on things.  From what you describe though, she left you to get back together with an ex bf with whom she was in contact for the duration of your r/s?  If I have that right, that's pretty brutal and must have you wondering if they were working on their r/s whilst you were together.  Do you feel you could trust her if you were to reconcile?

What is the reason you are blaming yourself for the breakup?  Did something specific happen?  It is common for us to go through self blame after these experiences and it's important to remember that whilst we all bring our own part to a r/s, it takes two people and both of their choices to lead to the demise.  Post here as much as you need to and let us know how you're doing.  We understand what you're struggling with right now and there is support here from others who have been where you are.   

Love and light x         

[The.u.in.us]

Well it's only been 3weeks since the breakup, spent numerous hours reading up on BPD disorders, meanwhile friends, & neighbors, are coming out of the woodwork with" I seen her with another guy stories... found out she lied about having him in my home... ugh... .I'm really more fraustated with myself... I spent two years single trying to better myself.become stable... and she broke through me in weeks .I fell so fast. I wasn't perfect but I didn't cheat. I did get too drunk one night and crashed at a party... she didn't seem to mind at all. I apologized for days... i wanted to build something long-term I wanted to regain my position... she didn't seem to care... but I guess she was already mentally moving on ... I almost feel like she wanted to have something to hold over my head so she could use it to justify... how did I not see this coming. We have been in contact but today I told her I wished her the best and blocked her...

[The.u.in.us]

I think this hurts so much because she left right before Christmas and having two children that I don't get to see due to bi polar Ex's and custody battling, I was just super excited to have a family around Christmas (her & her son) the environment we had was respectable I always told her to put her son first. And just like that I'm discarded without a care. The year of building up the courage for a first date... and then 5months of perfect... we texted over 5000 sms in 3months and nothing. Where are the ppl without disorders and why can't I pick them...

[Husband321]

I think this hurts so much because she left right before Christmas and having two children that I don't get to see due to bi polar Ex's and custody battling, I was just super excited to have a family around Christmas (her & her son) the environment we had was respectable I always told her to put her son first. And just like that I'm discarded without a care. The year of building up the courage for a first date... and then 5months of perfect... we texted over 5000 sms in 3months and nothing. Where are the ppl without disorders and why can't I pick them...

Same story.  Mine left 3 days before Christmas to move in with a new man. We had a blended family.  Her kids were coming to visit.  Right before Christmas she called her daughter to tell her she has a new step dad and step brothers.  We are still married.

I feel they ALWAYS have other options in the background you do not know about. It's not your fault.  She did the same to her ex.  And will do it to him again.

Give it a month and you will feel better.  They can be excellent liars, so they can still keep you in the web.  No contact is best.

[Bo123]

Dealing with BPD issues is tough enough but she had some deep issues with men before she met you and you admitted that you have some codependency issues.  While this board is a good place for support and learning, I think finding a therapist and fixing you first would help you make decision regarding her.  If neither one of you get help, it's not likely to get better and probably worse.  You know what the issues are, share them with a professional who does this for a living, you don't want a repeat of this scenario.  Best of luck, sorry for the pain.

[The.u.in.us]

The seriousness of this is astounding, little did I know, but am now realizing I'm a covert Narcissist, I've always been told how attractive I am. College athlete ,popular ,fun... grandiosity very into myself. I spend a hour or more getting ready to go out.  I need to let go. I've seen her twice now and she looked very bad, highly stressed. she seemed to want me to create a Spark. like i wanted her back, But I really couldn't even look at her. The fog is not as thick as it was in the beginning, it's always been easy to get girls attention, but knowing what I know about myself now, I don't want to start trying.  My mind is bouncing between fixing myself with therapy and trying to find actual love. Which kinda scares me right now honestly. And hoping later we somehow fall back in with each other and get help together "dreams"

[Harley Quinn]

My son's father very much fits the description of a covert narcissist and one thing he would never do is be open to admit something like that about himself.  He is incapable of having any self awareness or empathy about his impact on others.  Everyone displays a certain degree of narcissism and some can show more than others.  It may be that you are being overly critical of yourself at this point.  You may be somewhat accurate about certain characteristics that you're identifying but this doesn't necessarily seal the deal on a diagnosis. 

If you feel that some behaviours you demonstrate have a negative effect on relationships and this affects your life, then it would be a good idea to speak to a doctor about going for a psych evaluation.  I did this and it was a good move on my part, as things in my life began to make more sense to me and I'm heading into therapy as a result to work on things which I wish to alter for my own future and the relationships in it. 

Whatever you decide to do with this, it does not make you solely responsible for what happened in your r/s, nor does it change the outcome of it.  However, what I will say is that having dreams of both of you working on your stuff and healing is not a bad thing.  Obviously whether she decides to do something about her illness is down to her.  In order for you to do your part of this it means owning your own stuff and working on you.  You can be doing this regardless.  In time, by doing this, you may have a different perspective on things and either way will have benefited in becoming emotionally healthier and more able to have a fulfilling and sustainable relationship.  I wish that for all of us.

Love and light x