I feel like I am doing everything wrong

[Brina1221]

I have never thought to reach out for help in dealing with my adult daughter. She has been diagnosed with a multitude of issues from depression to bipolar and now personality disorder. That is the only diagnosis that fits in my opinion. She is almost 30 and has been in constant chaos, self-harm, self-destructive and impulsive downward spiral which never seems to end. She creates drama, she is jealous and will literally create scenarios that will "Feed" her jealousy and sense of being betrayed and abandoned. She has informed me she is pregnant (I am not sure I believe that) and that because her boyfriend has blocked numbers on his phone he is cheating on her. She violently attacked him. She is now at MY house and honestly, I can't do it anymore. It is a never-ending cycle with her and she brings 1000% of it on herself. She has had DUI's, she's been jailed more than once, she has been in and out of hospitals for depression and suicidal ideation etc. and not one thing does a damn bit of good. I just can't deal with it anymore.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

Hello and so sorry you are going thru this with your  d , many of us on this board are going thru similar situations with our children if that helps at all.  Its a terrible disease and it takes a toll on us parents.  Hopefully she will get into some type of treatment .  Hopefully she is not pregnant sounds alot like my d always stirring things up and   paranoid just wanted to drop you a hello and welcome to this board

[Brina1221]

Thank you! I know I am not alone, that everyone here has a story just like mine. I feel isolated and if i am honest, I sometimes feel resentful that I can't look forward to grandkids and a normal happy life. It feels good to have a place to vent. I wish I had found this a long time ago.

[Huat]

Hi there, Brina1221.  Glad you found us... .sorry you had to.

My heart goes out to you.  You've been down a rocky, rocky road and you are so wanting/needing to see a rainbow up ahead.

You write that your daughter has been diagnosed with a number of mental issues and that she has been in/out of hospitals.  Has she ever had therapy... .even offered therapy?

Do you have any kind of support, Brina1221... .a partner, other family, friends?  Have you been able to get support for yourself... .any kind of counselling?  When she was in jail, were you able to speak with anyone there... .a social worker, whoever?

Obviously changes are needed and you are the only who can make them.  Getting to that point takes a lot of energy but what is happening now is taking up a lot of energy.   It needs to be redirected.

Our children will always be our children and they are an important part of our lives... .but... .we are important, too!   If the oxygen is sucked out of us, we are useless to ourselves and to those around us.

If you haven't done so already, check out the information to the right .   Read through, then pick one something to work on.  Babysteps!  This is about you now... .empowering YOU.

No one here is going to be able to give you answers, Brina1221, but you will find support.  Just putting those fingers of yours on the keyboard and pouring out your heart can release some of the steam.  You have a captive, supportive audience.   You are not alone!

Huat

[Brina1221]

Thank you so much for the kind words and the welcome, it matters so much right now. I am glad I found this place and as you said, sorry I had to at the same time. I think I am beginning to accept that I can't change her or control her or fix things or somehow force her to learn from her mistakes. The only time she gets any sort of therapy is when she has been admitted to a mental health facility. It is typically for less than 30 days and within weeks she is back to where she started. She does a lot of self-medicating and that can be anything from pain pills to alcohol to a very brief but intense six months when she found heroin. Oddly enough that one didn't seem to last long. I have friends that are very helpful and my sons are very supportive (they love their sister but do not in any way, shape or form, get sucked into her drama-ever). I have started reading a lot of the topics on this board and I have ordered a couple of books to read and I think I probably need to do some counseling myself. I don't know how to get the boundaries I need to deal with this and I doubt everything I say and do. I think having someone that deals with this and is impartial can help me because right now I feel like whatever i do or say is probably the exact opposite of what I probably need to do (or NOT do as the case may be.). Either way, it's very good to have a place to come and learn and feel supported. Thank you so very much.

[Lollypop]

Hi brina

Welcome, I’m glad you found us!

I don't know how to get the boundaries I need to deal with this and I doubt everything I say and do.

I know this feeling!  I took on a counsellor to get myself support while I manoeuvred him out of my house!  Within 7 months he spiralled and hit a crisis, got dx at 24. We asked him back home not knowing what on Earth we were to do with him or our situation. I got to learning about BPD here, practising better communication skills and techniques, slowly. It can get overwhelming and with hindsight maybe I should have got a counsellor to help me through. This forum has been my lifeline.

I’ve no idea if this is helpful for you. A lot depends on where you’re Mind is and how you approach problems. We are all different and our situations unique.

I decided that whatever happens in my ds’s Life he’s going to need a relationship with us. I also wanted a relationship with him, despite he not agreeing with his drug taking and choices. I got back to basics and started to focus on the relationship above everything. I was light as a fairy, never talking about issues, only small stuff. Slowly, my DS reacted positively to me. He calmed and started to seek me out and initiate conversations.

I got myself a three part plan.
1. Improve relationship.
2. Get my DS some financial mgt skills
3. Get him to live independently.

Supported by “everything he should do for himself, he should do himself”

This plan kept me focussed in times of drama and challenges. It helped me drop the small stuff and understand what boundaries I needed. I stopped giving him money. I didn’t allow smoking or drugs in the house. I kept it very simple for him and me. Of course, the grey areas emerged but that’s for later posts!

I’m proof that it’s possible to have a relationship, despite the problems. It’s not perfect and it needs constant nurturing.

It’s like I was treating my DS like a dandelion weed so he’d be tough and able to survive anywhere. I didn’t realise he was an orchid and needed a nurturing environment for him to thrive.

Validation is the key. My DS just wants to feel that he’s being understood and loved.

I’m excited for you on this journey. I really look forward to reading your posts.

What kind of behaviours are causing you problems at the moment?

LP