Why can’t I move on from a Borderline Ex?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I met my ex-partner twelve months into expat life in The Netherlands, life at that time was great. I’d made a lovely group of friends, just bout a fab new apartment and it was summer, bliss! However, truth be told I ended up in Holland after a traumatic breakup from an unhealthy relationship. That summer I had just started to feel like myself again. I felt ready to let someone else in again. The boom, almost instantaneously I met him! For the purpose of this I’ll call him Derik.

My first date with Derik was like no other. He was attentive, funny, open and outgoing. I felt instantly comfortable with him. He was the most handsome man I’d ever seen. After a couple of drinks I was coming back from the toilet and he was paying for our drinks. ‘Oh well, he isn’t interested’ I thought to myself. Then to my surprise he suggested going back to mine, to which I obviously agreed. You can fill in the blanks but what happened next was a totally unique experience. I literally looked like I had been beaten up the next day. My lips where swollen and bleeding, my body covered in bruises. It was a night I will never forget!

Before I knew it Derik and I found ourselves in a whirlwind romance. Utterly intense and magical, I couldn’t get enough of him, and it seemed him for me too. Derik told me about his BPD on our third date, I had never heard of it. He looked terrified as he told me and left shortly after. I Google’d BPD as soon as he left but didn’t recognize what I read with the man that I’d met. And I naively thought, well if it’s a fear of abandonment then that’s cool, because I’ll never abandon him.

Fast track a two months in we’d breezed through the summer holding hands, attending festivals, meeting each others friends and before I know it Derik had moved in. In fact I travel a fair amount for business and one day whilst on a trip I realized Derik was still staying in my house, so I thought to myself…I suppose he lives there now! And I couldn’t have been happier about it.

Then about three months in I can remember the day everything changed. We were getting ready for dinner and a careless joke on my part turned into utter hell. I had said the wrong thing innocently and boy did I pay for it. By the end of the night he hand pushed every button possible and started calling me and my entire family ‘sluts’. I eventually broke and asked him to leave. I knew there and then this wasn’t right and in that moment had the strength to walk away. Once I asked Derik to leave he became so utterly devastated and desperate, I felt terrible, frantically apologizing and comforting him. From that moment my life was turned upside down.

Over the next few months Derik stopped taking his anti-depressants, quit his job and generally started to meltdown. All of a sudden we were approaching Christmas and everything had become a problem. My friends, his friends, my job, my money, his money, you name it. But most of all he had become obsessed with my sexual past. He was convinced than I had more prior partners than him and he was therefore ‘less’ than me. And boy did he punish me for it every day. Truth be told, I always knew deep down it was a control mechanism and it was he own issues transferred onto me, but his persistence made me feel dirty and ashamed.
 
In parallel to the problems with my past daily life had become a problem. Eventually I was making excuses not to see people and even finding ways of avoiding business trips, just to keep the peace. I found myself briefing friends about taboo subject and jokes we should avoid around him before social events. And most of all became anxious every time I received an invite to a social event or even a text inviting me for a quick drink. I had become completely controlled and at the time couldn’t see it.

After a turbulent Christmas the ‘I love you, I hate you’ cat-n-mouse game really started and Derik continually left then came back again, each time breaking me a little bit more. Derik then left after a holiday with my family in the Alps. He asked me to not contact him again and actually I didn’t, in a way I felt relieved that it was over.

About six weeks went by and I had started to move on. I had bought a puppy, a lifelong dream! I’d arranged to pick the pup up after a business trip to south America that I’d been planning and looking forward to for months. Life was on the up! I missed Derik but I had started to feel like myself again. Then as I boarded the plan to South America he contact me, with a heartfelt letter. His letter apologized for the pain he had caused me in such perfect articulation I couldn’t have explained better myself.

I agreed to meet Derik after my trip but deep down I had no intention of getting back together with him. But when I saw him and heard how desperately he wanted to get back together and how things would be different I couldn’t turn him away. I remember knowing I had pushed aside my own needs and put his first.

Now I must admit for the next three months Derik was pretty good to me. We had our moments but he really tried to undo the prior problems in our relationship. I however couldn’t quite let go of what had happened and waited for the day her would return to old habits. I regret those three months terribly.

Sadly I realized too late I had neglected him. By the time I realized I couldn’t live without him he had decided he could very much live with me, in fact he had met someone else. All be it a casual encounter he had met someone else and told me he needed to be ‘free’ and to ‘date to see what I like’.

I was devastated.

I waited for two months for him to come back, every day checking my phone for the ‘I’m sorry’ email. After two months I registered on the dating app ‘Happn’ and within 24h Derik and I’s paths had crossed on the proximity based app. We got back in touch as a result and I expected to find a broken man as lost without me, as I was lost without him. In actual fact what I found was a totally different man. I man who had crossed into a world of public sex and god only knows what else.

I reached a new low.

I still tried to get him back, I dropped the few boundaries I had. I even tried to get him back on his new terms, which included keeping his new found sexual ‘freedom’ but this lasted only seconds before that we fell apart again. His new world wasn’t one I could live in and neither could he if it meant I was in it too.

Another six months on and I am still completely broken. We've had a brief trial at getting back together again but it lasted a very short amount of time.

I'm still unable to fully function at work, unable to contemplate starting new relationship or even going on a date. I’m depressed, lonely and bruised from the relationship with Derik. And what kills me more than anything is it feels like he so easily walked away and took on a totally new world and never looked back.When once I was everything to him.

I know with 100% certainty that our problems where not all BPD or one sided. And Derik is absolutely not a bad person, in fact I think he has a wonderful, soft, caring and loving side which I miss so much.

But with all things considered, why can’t I move on? How do I break this and move forward?

[OneLife2018]

I met my ex-partner twelve months into expat life in The Netherlands, life at that time was great. I’d made a lovely group of friends, just bout a fab new apartment and it was summer, bliss! However, truth be told I ended up in Holland after a traumatic breakup from an unhealthy relationship. That summer I had just started to feel like myself again. I felt ready to let someone else in again. The boom, almost instantaneously I met him! For the purpose of this I’ll call him Derik.

My first date with Derik was like no other. He was attentive, funny, open and outgoing. I felt instantly comfortable with him. He was the most handsome man I’d ever seen. After a couple of drinks I was coming back from the toilet and he was paying for our drinks. ‘Oh well, he isn’t interested’ I thought to myself. Then to my surprise he suggested going back to mine, to which I obviously agreed. You can fill in the blanks but what happened next was a totally unique experience. I literally looked like I had been beaten up the next day. My lips where swollen and bleeding, my body covered in bruises. It was a night I will never forget!

Before I knew it Derik and I found ourselves in a whirlwind romance. Utterly intense and magical, I couldn’t get enough of him, and it seemed him for me too. Derik told me about his BPD on our third date, I had never heard of it. He looked terrified as he told me and left shortly after. I Google’d BPD as soon as he left but didn’t recognize what I read with the man that I’d met. And I naively thought, well if it’s a fear of abandonment then that’s cool, because I’ll never abandon him.

Fast track a two months in we’d breezed through the summer holding hands, attending festivals, meeting each others friends and before I know it Derik had moved in. In fact I travel a fair amount for business and one day whilst on a trip I realized Derik was still staying in my house, so I thought to myself…I suppose he lives there now! And I couldn’t have been happier about it.

Then about three months in I can remember the day everything changed. We were getting ready for dinner and a careless joke on my part turned into utter hell. I had said the wrong thing innocently and boy did I pay for it. By the end of the night he hand pushed every button possible and started calling me and my entire family ‘sluts’. I eventually broke and asked him to leave. I knew there and then this wasn’t right and in that moment had the strength to walk away. Once I asked Derik to leave he became so utterly devastated and desperate, I felt terrible, frantically apologizing and comforting him. From that moment my life was turned upside down.

Over the next few months Derik stopped taking his anti-depressants, quit his job and generally started to meltdown. All of a sudden we were approaching Christmas and everything had become a problem. My friends, his friends, my job, my money, his money, you name it. But most of all he had become obsessed with my sexual past. He was convinced than I had more prior partners than him and he was therefore ‘less’ than me. And boy did he punish me for it every day. Truth be told, I always knew deep down it was a control mechanism and it was he own issues transferred onto me, but his persistence made me feel dirty and ashamed.
 
In parallel to the problems with my past daily life had become a problem. Eventually I was making excuses not to see people and even finding ways of avoiding business trips, just to keep the peace. I found myself briefing friends about taboo subject and jokes we should avoid around him before social events. And most of all became anxious every time I received an invite to a social event or even a text inviting me for a quick drink. I had become completely controlled and at the time couldn’t see it.

After a turbulent Christmas the ‘I love you, I hate you’ cat-n-mouse game really started and Derik continually left then came back again, each time breaking me a little bit more. Derik then left after a holiday with my family in the Alps. He asked me to not contact him again and actually I didn’t, in a way I felt relieved that it was over.

About six weeks went by and I had started to move on. I had bought a puppy, a lifelong dream! I’d arranged to pick the pup up after a business trip to south America that I’d been planning and looking forward to for months. Life was on the up! I missed Derik but I had started to feel like myself again. Then as I boarded the plan to South America he contact me, with a heartfelt letter. His letter apologized for the pain he had caused me in such perfect articulation I couldn’t have explained better myself.

I agreed to meet Derik after my trip but deep down I had no intention of getting back together with him. But when I saw him and heard how desperately he wanted to get back together and how things would be different I couldn’t turn him away. I remember knowing I had pushed aside my own needs and put his first.

Now I must admit for the next three months Derik was pretty good to me. We had our moments but he really tried to undo the prior problems in our relationship. I however couldn’t quite let go of what had happened and waited for the day her would return to old habits. I regret those three months terribly.

Sadly I realized too late I had neglected him. By the time I realized I couldn’t live without him he had decided he could very much live with me, in fact he had met someone else. All be it a casual encounter he had met someone else and told me he needed to be ‘free’ and to ‘date to see what I like’.

I was devastated.

I waited for two months for him to come back, every day checking my phone for the ‘I’m sorry’ email. After two months I registered on the dating app ‘Happn’ and within 24h Derik and I’s paths had crossed on the proximity based app. We got back in touch as a result and I expected to find a broken man as lost without me, as I was lost without him. In actual fact what I found was a totally different man. I man who had crossed into a world of public sex and god only knows what else.

I reached a new low.

I still tried to get him back, I dropped the few boundaries I had. I even tried to get him back on his new terms, which included keeping his new found sexual ‘freedom’ but this lasted only seconds before that we fell apart again. His new world wasn’t one I could live in and neither could he if it meant I was in it too.

Another six months on and I am still completely broken. We've had a brief trial at getting back together again but it lasted a very short amount of time.

I'm still unable to fully function at work, unable to contemplate starting new relationship or even going on a date. I’m depressed, lonely and bruised from the relationship with Derik. And what kills me more than anything is it feels like he so easily walked away and took on a totally new world and never looked back.When once I was everything to him.

I know with 100% certainty that our problems where not all BPD or one sided. And Derik is absolutely not a bad person, in fact I think he has a wonderful, soft, caring and loving side which I miss so much.

But with all things considered, why can’t I move on? How do I break this and move forward?

[Bo123]

Well, a question about that night your lips were swollen and bleeding and you were black/blue, are you talking about aggressive physical mutual attraction in bed or domestic violence?  That point isn't clear.  Now this is just my opinion, not judging but it sounds like you slept with him on the 1st night, met him at a bar, and you basis for this all starting was "he was the most handsome guy I ever saw".  I couldn't design a plan for a disaster better than that.  Then you moved in together way sooner than what would give you time to get to know each other.  That my be your lifestyle choice and that's fine, it's your life, but as I took the time to read your post, I think the solution is in your previous start with him rather than how do I get over this situation.  Are you the Paris Hilton "he's hot" type?  If so, your in for a life of pain if looks and quick hook-ups are your thing and it sounds in this case it was.  I have a female friend who does what you did, my input, you meet a guy in a bar, your drinking, you sleep with him that night, then move in not long after, you have no warranty and no bi***ing rights, he owed you nothing and that is very high risk dating.

Are you missing him or the thrill of another "best looking guy I ever met"?

It was an honorable thing for him to tell you he had BPD, that is rare, him going off his meds didn't help.  Him meeting another girl was just repeating who he was and who he thought you were.  Fantastic times in bed on a 1st date rarely say anything positive about the chance of a future between those two, its a lifestyle choice and you got burned and will again and again repeating that scenario.

This board is about support but one has to make good decisions also, there is now quick fix, read all you can about BPD, it is tough.  If you can see a counselor as it seems to me BPD isn't the issue here.  I'm sorry it didn't work out, I wish you weren't lonely and unable to function.  See your Dr and maybe some symptoms can be made better.  Continue to post here with questions or just to vent.  Things will get better once you see things for what they really are and that's tough for all of us to do at times.  Please take my comments as positive constructive input, as a guy, I just see this happen way too often and the ending is always the same.  Best of luck and take care of yourself and make those appointments.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi OneLife2018 and welcome 

I'm sorry to hear how much pain you're going through.  I think it's fair to say that most if not all the members of this board can empathise with how you feel.  Getting over a BPD r/s is really tough and can take it's toll on us.  The intensely loaded bond can form really quickly and in true BPD style, things can happen very fast.  Many will relate, myself included in having a partner move in very soon.  It took 3 months for my ex to virtually force his way into my home.  The fear of abandonment and desperate longing for a safe attachment has a great deal to do with this lightning speed start to a r/s.  When you are love bombed within an inch of your life it is easy to be swept along by the romance and promises of undying love. 

A pwBPD can make us feel more special than we've been made to feel before, and losing this can be an enormous loss, as we want that fix of love bombing and it is akin to recovery from a drug addiction.  All the feelings you are going through are a natural part of the grieving process, so don't be too hard on yourself and try to accept that this is what is happening.  It hurts, and can leave us feeling lost, but it's important to take care of yourself and push yourself to do the things you don't feel like doing, until they become less difficult to engage in.  Like connecting with others and doing things you've previously enjoyed.  Detaching and healing takes time, and trying to rush this process will only mean that we don't work through everything, which can cause it to come back to haunt us later.  Allow the feelings to come up and allow them to pass.  Do you still have contact with your ex at present?

The first thing I would encourage you to look at are the Lessons, and also the articles to the right side of the board, which have been a tremendous help to me in my recovery.  You'll also find that reading others' posts allows you to see that you're not alone in this experience.  Everyone here is at some point in their own healing and we support one another, so post as much as you need to.  Do you have supportive friends and family?  A therapist?  Getting a good support network around yourself is helpful whilst you go through this difficult time, so I'm glad you reached out here.  We can help. 

Love and light x

[clytie]

Hi Onelife2018,
I know how you feel. I know it hurts and it is confusing. I think a r/s with a BPD is illusionary. It usually touches our deepest emotions and we feel a very deep connection with them. Of course it is impossible for us to see that a BPD partner is an illusion we believe in and we creat. Day by day we get addicted to this illusion. We keep hoping that it is real and choose to stay in the r/s although there is abuse, unkindness or lying... .
Right now I am on NC with my ex and I have accepted the illusion, which hurts me deeply. I try to concentrate on my real needs when I miss him. When I have a wlthdrawal crisis, I tell and ask myself these: "After all the abuse and the pain he has caused, it can't be HIM that I miss or I need. So what is it I really need? What do I miss? " The answers are not easy so I see a T once a week. I need connection, validation, love, compassion and something real. These are impossible with him so it is obvious that it is not HIM I really miss or want. It is the illusion of him I miss as it has given me a sense of connection, safety, love and hope so far.
All we need is realization that this is not about them. This is about US. We have to take care  of ourselves and learn to stay away from those who abuse us.
 

[Go]

What you describe is classically BPD and more poignantly, what you describe is someone (you)  a loving, kind, sympathetic, nurturing, rescuing personality unfortunately he will instantly be attracted to.  I swear they have a magnet that can pick up in a crowd, those that can serve their every need and for this at first they will pay an unreasonably high price of what seems like devotion, because deep down they are so desperate for genuine and natural affection, the 3 to 5 year old inside them that has failed to develop into a man in this case wants it all.  That is where you come in as suddenly you are the answer to their every need... .their total fantasy.  Then weeks or a few months later, they find out you are human and the fantasy evaporates.   What you have to face is, do you want to walk hells path such as I have for decades.   I have been married to a spouse with BPD for 25 years.  (in this case a wife) and only now getting a well overdue divorce.   I miss her terribly too, but when I sit down and do the sums, I am loving a few thin veneer which isn't actually real at all.  As for the balance of they years (any year) it is and was utter hell on earth and from here on for you it only gets worse I am sorry to say, unless you cut the connection. 

Looking back on my courtship and marriage, (a sexual whirlwind naturally) but things were pretty terrible from the outset and I wanted to get out very early on.  The day I was going to break up, she rang to say she was pregnant.  That changed everything... .then we were married and the total crazy stepped in.   Suddenly we had a son and soon the claws were completely into me... .she had me convinced everything was mainly my fault and a few kids later, she had ramped up the the utter and total unmitigated abuse and manipulations, then the violence also, further eating away at my self image day after day.  Me being apparently bad, (a decent kind loving hard working father doing the best by his family) but me being bad, clearly made her good. Looking back she was just a junkie looking for her next emotional fix and when it was not poured on like confetti she would blame everybody else for her craziness. 
As history now has well proved 3 times in that marriage, there were other men and she would sleep with anyone that pushed her buttons and made her feel special.  She always had an itch that could not be scratched, nor for long her next partner either... .an emotional itch for the more part, but rolled into the crazy and what became more so in the end her very twisted sexual side, perhaps from childhood sexual abuse or most certainly physical abuse, but who knows, they tell so many lies about others,  the truth becomes impossible to decipher, I have concluded.   
Yes along comes adultery even (because he is so kind and understand her and you don't suddenly).  Then the in and out of my life at huge emotional and financial cost.   What you have to ask yourself is this the type of person you can trust implicitly for life for yourself but most importantly one day to truly nurture your precious children.  You very well may end up with children like him as this disorder IMHO is due to abuse as a child, although there could be other genetic markers also.  Your kids will get punished and in time abused, as did mine, when I was not there to protect them.    If the answer is yes, then you will need to face the fact like mine walking away is an imperative.  Mine left for the third and final time... .and pretty soon as usual comes along by the magnet, some new sucker to suck dry in this case in another country.   I have received no child maintenance in nearly 4 years.  Zero nothing.  In  fact pulling the sick card, the starving card, the I want to kill myself card, anything prior to extract more money, despite me 100% supporting the kids... .and as I recently found out... .(want to feel used and really bad about yourself try this) even after she finds her new victim.  She is still taking money from me and sleeping with him.  How?  Because we allow them to keep abusing us.  They can because of their sense of entitlement (their misguided ego... .it does not have to be true, the just tell their own stories and a rehearsals the begin to believe their own lies).   They convince themselves,  they have given soo much and they deserve recompense.   All this wanting and getting me to send money, me working 14 hour days, day after day each week,  to feed and cloth and educate my kids.  Her sponging off me.  My eldest son was drawn into the lies hook line and sinker, but  after some counselling, (this was prior to her leaving by the way) he had the good sense to never talk to her again as do now all but one of my children.  How well they are doing now in at last a real genuine loving home.  No fights in the house any more, and them getting on well with their studies and each other in fact supporting each other and doing well emotionally at last tells me her leaving was the greatest blessing in the world.  As for me I was a hollow shell of a human being at first, waiting for her to come back or an email for a crumb of kindness.  Thank goodness I have done well at work in the last 4 years, as it has done much to rebuild my self image.  I still love her, but when I think deeply about it, she actualy disgusts me now.  She is a walking disaster zone.  As one adult child said to me a few days ago.  Mum was a terrible mother, but a an even worse wife to you Dad.   I suggest think hard about trusting this man to support you when pregnant, when old, when sick, when you are vulnerable... .he will never be there for you.  In time he could still be there and yet you may as well be totally alone.  My wife walked out on me and the kids,  under very memorable circumstances, once when I was very sick and left me with the kids.  I struggled on constantly in physical and terrible emotional pain.  Once or twice a day, i  used to allow myself to go to the garage and weap for about 10 minutes, wipe my tears then get back to earning a living.  I allowed myself just a week to do this as it was in the middle of the GFC and things were looking REALLY bad financially.  I had to dig deep and work 12 hour days and turn things around.   Financially she would always run us into bad debt.  I would dig us out, she would come back... .fair weather friend indeed.   Meanwhile she was borrowing $20k to outfit herself a new flat, which I was paying down each week.  She eventually came back when the grass over the fence proved less green. 

The next time she abandoned the entire family, I had just lost my job, she walked out and proceeded to run up the credit cards, which I was foolish enough to let her do.   By the grace of God, I had another job in a few weeks and the kids and I survived and healed.   Years earlier, The lowest thing I had to face was having a 6 year old,  a 3 year old and a baby in arms, while she was off having sex with some new man, who had more money than me and was the next step up the ladder for her emotional neediness.  He was naturally pushing all her buttons.  Let me just say, you have dodged a bullet, run, run, run, change the locks and never, go back, then get a good counseller and start working on reprogramming yourself to find someone with whom you are equally yoked and perhaps next time try not to fall in love in bed. The right person will respect you and be willing to wait until you have developed both an intellectual and emotional connection first.  If that doesn't happen then sex is not going to help anything and you can quickly move on to find somebody, your soul mate as it were, who is worthy of a lovely kind person like yourself.  Few recognise that hot sex up front, is just a recipe for disaster as it severely clouds judgement... .so steady steady.  Look for genuine and kind, exactly as you are.  Look for emotional maturity.    As for my ex, she is now eating away some poor sucker elsewhere and he hasn't got a clue... .YET... .who knows she might get a decade out of him before he is a shell too. And to think I was helping her out with money while she was off with another guy.   Sound familiar?   As they say, to be forewarned, is to be armed.  You need a strong but sensitive man, not a 5 year old clammering, I want it, I want, I want my way, all the time.   Best of luck.  You will start to heal the moment you rule out ever going back to hell... .or risk getting stuck there for a lifetime.    You have to realise, nothing you can do or say is going to stop them continuing on their self destructive path.  Think of the worst you have felt, multiply it by a large number, then add abused kids, then finally abandoned unloved kids (your kids) into the equation.  It is utterly gutting.   Pay the price now and it will take a bit, but you will come good, especially as you find a truly healthy loving person to fill that part of your life with REAL love, not just smoke and fantasy.   Regard Go.