Help BPD daughter in need of my home care while recovering from surgery

[Parents! Get help here!]

I've maintained minimum contact with my 39 yo daughter for the past year and am now in the unfortunate position of having to take care of her after major surgery. Her doctor said she should not be left alone, insurance refuses to pay for home care and I am the only family member.  He is not yet able to tell for how long, as the surgery was just yesterday.  I will be going to her house because having her in my tiny apt would not be workable and make matters even worse . She has a long history of health issuesI am really anxious about this situation as she will, based on past experience, be even more difficult. I feel like it's a setup for a blowup.  It's not like I can hang up the phone or get away from her.  I've been reading your tools and lessons which have been helpful but I feel like I'm no match for her when it comes to manipluation and twisting reality. It has been that only after the fact do I realize that I've been sucked into her vortex.

I had to make the decision of minimum contact because I finially realized that trying to have any semblance of a relationship was impossible and was taking a severe toll on my mental health.  I still long for family (it's only her and me) but have to come to terms with the reallity of decades of abuse are not going to end.

I have so much more to say but am too exausted to think.  I would welcome hearing from others .  I'm so glad I found this site just last month.

[KCat]

I've maintained minimum contact with my 39 yo daughter for the past year and am now in the unfortunate position of having to take care of her after major surgery. Her doctor said she should not be left alone, insurance refuses to pay for home care and I am the only family member.  He is not yet able to tell for how long, as the surgery was just yesterday.  I will be going to her house because having her in my tiny apt would not be workable and make matters even worse . She has a long history of health issuesI am really anxious about this situation as she will, based on past experience, be even more difficult. I feel like it's a setup for a blowup.  It's not like I can hang up the phone or get away from her.  I've been reading your tools and lessons which have been helpful but I feel like I'm no match for her when it comes to manipluation and twisting reality. It has been that only after the fact do I realize that I've been sucked into her vortex.

I had to make the decision of minimum contact because I finially realized that trying to have any semblance of a relationship was impossible and was taking a severe toll on my mental health.  I still long for family (it's only her and me) but have to come to terms with the reallity of decades of abuse are not going to end.

I have so much more to say but am too exausted to think.  I would welcome hearing from others .  I'm so glad I found this site just last month.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hey Kcat

I’m sorry as I can’t post a long reply but wanted to touch base with you.

A scary prospect and I can understand your anxiety. My DS27 can be a nightmare when he’s got physical health problems so I know how you’re feeling. What I can say is that I believe it’ll be ok in the early days because your daughter will be in some initial discomfort and it will definitely be real. It may change as she starts to recover! My DS feels it to be far more extreme than it is in reality and has problem keeping perspective. Like a very small child. Are you predicting similar?

Are we talking 24 hour care?  Control over meds etc? Have you any idea how long it may be - weeks or months?

Hugs

LP

[qcarolr]

Hi Kcat

It is so hard when our BPD kid needs us and their patterns of behavior mightily push us away. My BPD daughter, DD31, has really been difficult from a very young age. She has complications with ADHD, anxiety disorder, depression, severe learning disabilities plus BPD. It is so challenging to stay connected with her.

Can you give some examples of types of behaviors that are the most troubling? What things seem to trigger your DD? This information might help us focus on tools that may be most helpful, or experiences that we can share for courage.

The tools listed in the sidebar have been very helpful for me over the past several years. Dd31 was dx'd at age 23. That is when I first found this forum.

Please let us know how things are going. We understand what you are going through.

carol