I am always scared that I will say the wrong thing.

[Fear and Shamed]

I have been married over a decade. Nobody visits our house because my wife makes them feel like trash. Whenever she gets a particular tone in her voice I feel dread falling like a heavy sludge imprisoning me in my own home. My dog immediately hides under the table and begins shaking. I have been tortuously trained through her endless abusive ranting sessions never to disagree with anything she says. I am scared that she might discover that I am again reaching out.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Welcome Fear and Shamed  

Nobody visits our house because my wife makes them feel like trash.

I wonder how common these empty homes are. I have  a similar problem as my wife feels our home is substandard and ashamed of it. In reality it is nice and sparkling clean and only her insecurities are speaking. Still I have not tackled inviting people over yet. But your problem seems to be a lot worse - demeaning behavior towards guests  .

Whenever she gets a particular tone in her voice I feel dread falling like a heavy sludge imprisoning me in my own home.

 Can you find a place close by where you can flee to when it is getting too oppressive? I found a nice coffee shop where I fled to when things were bad.

My dog immediately hides under the table and begins shaking.

Imho. the emotional intelligence of animals should not be underestimated. Would you be able to take the dog for a walk if it is not feeling well? May do the dog owner some good as well.

I have been tortuously trained through her endless abusive ranting sessions never to disagree with anything she says.

Again taking a walk could be helpful. It is not that you can't stand her but the dog is not feeling well... .

I am scared that she might discover that I am again reaching out.

You have a right and frankly the need for human connection and support. You are doing this for your and her sake. Your current situation sounds horrible and you sound like you are breaking down sooner or later  . Be careful but please give your needs some priority. Over the years it can wear us down and then things can turn really crazy. Often members arriving at the board are somewhat depressed . Consider also getting professional mental health support - possibly you are suffering from stress at work or make up another story.

and hang in there. Sharing is a first step to make small but powerful changes,

a0

[waitingwife]

With BPD relationships, there is a dynamic and it serves couples until thhe non start feeling short  changed or cannot walk on eggshells. Do you have a Therapist? It does wonders to work with a therapist and it only takes 1 person to make changes to benefit the r/s. I started with a T 4 years ago when H was completely against seeking any help. My changes led to changing the dynamic of our r/s from mostly dysfunctional to mostly functional. Now H has also started seeing a T & loves his therapist. It’s a LOT of hard work but well worth it. Also read someof the lessons to the right, they’ve helped me gain clarity. Hang in there

[ortac77]

Hi

You need to reach out, so welcome and so glad that you have.Eventually living with a pwBPD becomes more than anyone can bear on their own whilst ironically living with the illness tends to lead to isolation of the non BPD partner. I can sometimes feel my very spirit being crushed and I have found that therapy has helped me a great deal along with reading the advice and the shares of others.

It sounds like you have reached a place where you know that you need help, and yes whether they can help it or not I believe BPD is an abusive illness.