Recycling to the extreme

[thegravityof]

It is a long story and I guess I'll go into detail as things progress. The first thing I wanted to bring up is the fact that I have been 'recycled' no less than 28 times in a year long relationship. We are currently broken up whilst being at home for the holiday period (we both moved away to here uni town). Obviously if thing stay like this then I will move back home rather than stay at her uni town, but circumstances dictate that I need to take action quickly. Obviously I'm trying to talk things through with her, but she's ghosting me as usual. I just feel like there is a real time constraint on all of this. I pretty much have to decide whether to make arrangements to move back or not in the next week. I've been here so many times before, I can't ever know that she means what she says... .She's not talking to me and I don't know what to do. Help

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[Harley Quinn]

Hi thegravityof and welcome 

That sounds like hard going.  I can imagine you're worn out with all the push/pull in the r/s.  Who broke up with who this time and is it always the same way?  I'm wondering if there is a pattern to this and if you can identify what triggers the breakups?  Good news is you're in the right place for support as this community is familiar with this type of dynamic - by reading others' posts you'll find you're far from alone.  There are excellent tools here to help you look at improving things in the communication so that hopefully you can reduce the tension in the r/s enough to perhaps get a better view of things.  It may seem difficult to believe, but things can change considerably for implementing some of these skills.  (See the Tools tab on the top header menu).  How are you feeling right now?

Love and light x

[thegravityof]

Thanks 

It has been extremely hard going. When we first got together it was intense and lovely. She was due to go travelling a couple of months later for an undetermined amount of time, but we had enjoyed spending time together so much that before she went we made the decision to stay together and save ourselves for each other. It was after she left to go travelling (although there had been some red flags before) that I really began to understand that there were some serious problems in her emotional processing. It began then, and has always been the same - the breakups are almost always triggered by an accusation. Almost every time the same pattern - I get accused of something, my attempts to defend myself enrage her, then practically mid conversation I find myself blocked on all forms of social media, phone, etc. She always seems to leave at least one avenue of communication open though, which is normally email. Usually things are resolved within the same day, or the next day, but sometimes it can last as much as a few days, and the longest time was about three weeks.

One of the most frustrating things for me is that she complains about how embarrassing it is to have our relationship so publicly on and off, but yet she can't seem to stop herself overreacting in that way and causing both of us this embarrassment. I've tried all kinds of things with her to improve our communication. I try and stay calm and reassure her even when I'm being accused of the most outrageous and far fetched things, but sometimes I don't handle it well. It's just so draining and so frustrating to be accused so much when I have been completely loyal and faithful to her. If I ever bite back at her and tell her how unreasonable she's being it's like the beginning of WW3. She snoops through my laptop and my phone, so she actually knows that I'm innocent of any betrayals or cheating but yet she'll still accuse me of cheating on her if I'm ten minutes late for something or if my phone battery dies and I can't respond to her messages quickly enough. The worst thing about all of this is that I've had to deal with her betrayal, I had to forgive her for kissing not one, but two people in one night behind my back, and for 'accidentally' packing condoms when she first moved away for uni.

Since I posted, we have exchanged a couple of texts, but it's the same old negative stuff from her. "We're never getting back together, I treat her so badly, goodbye, etc". I actually pointed out to her tonight that I'd counted at least 28 times that she's said these same things to me and done this and always changed her mind and it didn't seem to make her question her stance at all. It always seems that I will be treated like this, just cut out like I never meant anything, until she has decided that I've learnt my lesson.

I do love her and I'm sure that she could get better with the right support but she says that she hates therapists (she doesn't like people, or talking much) and that she doesn't have the strength to go through that right now. She does admit that she is introverted, insecure, suspicious, paranoid, over-reactive and that she doesn't handle relationships well, but she can't seem to stop herself from continuing with the destructive cycles, and it really does bring out the worst in me sometimes too. It's just so draining, but the good times always seem to make the bad times worth it somehow... .