Just figured out that my adult daughter has BPD

[Scout206]

     This is my first entry on any type of online discussion.  My hands are shaking.  I am almost finished with Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason and Randi Krueger.  While reading, I am recollecting so many things that have happened with my daughter for many years now that I have tolerated, rationalized, overlooked... .blamed myself for, felt guilty about... .I'm very overwhelmed right now and don't even know where to begin.  
    My daughter is 30 years old.   She has had almost no interaction with me or with her brother (37) since June of 2016.  She argued with each of us about (separate) things that seemed inconsequential at the time and even more so at this point. He was angry that she was verbally abusive to him and didn't respond to her immediately about an issue, so she had cut him off a couple of weeks before she cut me off.   I was cut off because because she sent me a nasty. condescending text and I told her I didn't want her to treat me that way.  To her that proof that I didn't know how to communicate appropriately and she told us she didn't want to see either of us for awhile because "you guys make me feel like ___.   I need a break from both of you."  
   She has always had the tendency to get angry (and often verbally abusive) quickly, storm off and stay mad.   Usually everyone was confused about what caused her outbursts.   She never apologized (because she was never wrong) but her initial anger was rarely about anything that even warranted a discussion a few days later.  Once she screamed, swore at me and stormed off because a new water bottle I had purchased for her leaked water on the (my) car seat.   I told her that really surprised me because I had gotten it for her because it was so dependable for me.   She accused me of calling her a liar.  Her brother send her a text telling her she was out of line so she didn't speak to either of us for a week.  She did it to all of us in the family but certainly most often her wrath has been directed at me.   I knew she was getting positive reinforcement for treating me badly from some other adults in her life but those were battles I couldn't take on.  It didn't usually last for more than a few days - until someone said to her - hey let's stop being angry.  
     So initially this new situation didn't seem so concerning.  However by the next day she had blocked us from all social media sites and her phone  She totally stopped communicating with us.   Her brother and I were very close to several of her friends, her boyfriend and her boyfriend's family but we stopped hearing from them all as well.   I couldn't believe it was happening.  Sometimes, I still can't believe it has.   It has been one of the most painful times I have endured in my life.   The three of us were very close when she was not angry and up until recently, that was the majority of the time.   She and her brother were extremely bonded.   She recently stated that she was "always afraid of losing him."  They always said they were each other's "best friend."  One of the things I miss the most is hearing the two of them in the kitchen listening to music and cracking each other up.  I miss that laughter.  He describes this situation as having his heart "exploded" and is so angry about how she has treated us that he doesn't want to even bring her name up.  It is less painful for him to pretend she doesn't exist.  We have both been suffering from depression, which (of course) all of us have battled for most of our lives.
    While reading, I remembered that when she was away at college, her brother was very ill with complications from pneumonia and almost died.   He was in the hospital for a month but I could not convince her to call him.   I was angry at her but so worried about him that I didn't have the energy to fight with her about it.   I was exasperated.   Why wouldn't she want to talk to him?   Why didn't she support either of us?  After reading the book, I realize that she was probably so afraid of losing him that she couldn't emotionally handle a phone call.    When she graduated from college her 83 year old grandmother could not attend.  For health reasons, she couldn't make a 4 hour flight and it was over 100 degrees at the outdoor ceremony.   My daughter just communicated with her by sending a lovely letter on her 90th birthday in November.  That is the first time she has acknowledged her in 7 years.   I now realize that she didn't hear " Grandma isn't strong enough to make the trip and handle the heat.  It would be dangerous for her to try."  What she heard was "Grandma doesn't love you.   She loves your cousin (who graduated in an air conditioned gymnasium 20 minutes from her house) enough to see him graduate but she doesn't love you enough."    
     It seems insane to me that I would somehow rationalize this behavior for any reason.   I look back and realize that a lot of it was due to the fact that she was cutting in high school, as far as I knew she had stopped and I was worried about losing her to suicide.   I didn't think in those terms then but I can say that to myself now.  I didn't want to upset her, I didn't want her to feel abandoned or unloved.  I didn't want to lose her.   Additionally, I had (have) a tremendous amount of guilt that I had caused her problems and although our family was receiving psychiatric counseling, I didn't realize that she didn't get the diagnosis or help that she needed.
     I can make excuses, I was a single parent, running my own very stressful business, my son had severe ADHD and trying to deal with that consumed me as well.  I was concurrently suffering from depression, poor self-esteem, chronic stress, emotional and physical exhaustion and other emotionally abusive person in my life.   I was dealing with a child with ADHD, one with BPD and had no idea what was going on.  Sometimes I think it is a wonder that I survived.   But during this time, I was very short fused and lost control of my emotions and anger quickly.  I never thought I was abusive, but I did yell a lot and although very little of it was directed at her, she tells me that if anyone raises their voice around her today she starts to panic.   What kind of a role model was I for my beautiful daughter? And why do I still feel so much to blame for her problems?  Was I verbally or emotionally abusive?  I don't even know anymore.   She remembers a lot of things differently than her brother or I do.  If things have happened recently, we can see that she is prone to altering facts but for things that happened 20 years ago - I can't remember.  I wasn't there for her like I should have been.   I should have known.   So, as I now realize, I have been prime fodder for the blame game.   And since I have been weeping for the past hour, obviously I still am.  
        Next day - I finished the book last night and have started The Essential Family Guide to BPD.  I wasn't able to sleep last night.   I can't seem to quiet my mind but it seems to keep me calmer if I keep reading.   I knew something was wrong but finding out that she has such a serious disorder has frightened me to death.  Reading about distortion campaigns, I realized that it had happened to me and likely is happening now.   I know she lied about me to a friend and to her school instead of taking responsibility for her actions as a teenager.   I suspect she is doing this now to people that ask where we are.  
     Initially the book was a relief to me because I could put a name on this chaos and confusion.   I have been telling myself for a year and a half that if only I knew what was going on, things would feel better.  Being totally in the dark and not having a clue why we have been cut off from her seemed to be the worst part.   Two days ago, I was still in the dark and knew nothing about BPD.   Now it has all come so fast that I feel frightened and overwhelmed.   I only picked up the book because my son and I always talk about walking on eggshells around herI   I became more despondent and less hopeful as I read through the end of the book.    I found myself wondering about my own grasp of reality
     I am thankful because I think she seems to be getting appropriate counseling on her own so that is a battle I don't have to fight.  I think she wants to get better.  I have been very concerned that her counselor didn't understand her correctly and she wasn't getting the help she needs.   I only now feel she probably is because I read the book and remembered that she once told me that  her counselor used mindfulness and Dialectical Behavior Therapy but until I read this book, I didn't know what that was or even remember the term after she said it.  Knowing that she is (probably) in appropriate counseling is the best thing thing I can think of.  But she has been seeing this counselor for at least 3 years now and I don't know if she is better.   The meltdown in 2016 would indicate to me that she is not since it is on a scale we have never experienced but I don't know.  Maybe having the guts to separate and face her fears is a good thing.  I am trying to think of the positive possibilities.  
     I realize that a lot of families have had to much more serious problems with their BP family member than we do and I am grateful for that. I need to get myself and her brother help and I will begin to look for counselors for us this week.    We've both been so angry with her not understanding how fearful and desperate she has been.   Now I have a boat load of guilt about that too.   Her brother broke into tears about a month ago saying "I just miss her so much."     Is she still there?  Will I ever see her smile again or hear her laugh?   Should my attitude be - "If having me out of her life helps her to stabilize her illness - so be it?"   Her well being is more important to me than my own.  I know that is not how it should be but I"m just starting out and I don't know yet how to get to a better place.   My son and I have depended on each other heavily to remain sane for the last year and a half.   But I want to be careful not to make him feel too responsible for taking care of me.  I am getting ready to tell him about this tonight - just the basics and then give him the book but I have no idea how he will react and right now I feel afraid of everything.   I hope I can get a couple hours of sleep tonight.   Sleep deprivation helps nothing.π  

     If anyone has actually read this all the way through, Thank you - I am grateful.  I am so lost.
    

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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[1hope]

Scout,
You are not alone... .this site will help you see that.  The beginnng is so hard... .so many stages of grief to go through!  There is some relief knowing what is wrong, but so many other emotions come out too.  I hope that you find some comfort knowing that we are all on the same journey with you! 

Have you considered counselling for yourself and your son?  Our family has found that it helps us deal with the many issues we encounter with our DD18.  It's very difficult, and you need to remember to take care of yourself. 

Please remember that you are not alone, and keep posting!
1hope

[Scout206]

1hope
Thank you for your reply.  I appreciate it.

[Numbone97]

Searching for answers, and I find this post. As if I was reading about my life now. Please tell me it gets better.