First post: Mom with BPD

[Need to Breathe]

Hi, everyone. I haven’t had a chance to see all the rules yet, so I’ll keep this brief. I am just now beginning to discover the extent of my mother’s BPD. She hasn’t been formally diagnosed, but her behavior lines up completely with BPD. I’m currently reading Walking on Eggshells, which has so far been a tremendous help with untangling the complex web of exactly why my mother behaves the way she does. I am seeking out this group because my mother’s BPD is overwhelming me. It has been terrible all my life, but now that I’m married, it’s a million times worse. I always thought getting married would be my escape, but I was wrong. Now that I’m married, I have to deal with the demands of married life on top of my mother’s jealousy and constant need to be with me. We are students out of state and are only here for the holidays, which is making things even worse. Because my mother only sees me during breaks now, she is demanding even more of my time. I am living with my husband at my in-laws’ house, but I don’t ever see my husband, because I have to go over to her house every single day, no matter what. She has even asked me to sleep over several times. It’s really wearing me down and I can’t wait to leave. But when I’m gone, it’s not much differnt, because I have to text her non-stop and always respond to her calls or texts within seconds, otherwise she panics. I solve all of her problems. I am in my 20s and have been taking care of her finances and everything that ever goes wrong since I was 12. She is completely unable to handle any problem and instantly calls me the moment something is wrong. Heater isn’t working? Phone call. TV is doing something weird? Phone call. Insurance bill is wrong? Phone call. It’s never-ending, and I always have to handle everything. You know how people always joke about how they still call their parents when they need to make a doctor appointment? Or how they call their parents every time they have the smallest problem? That has never been me. I have always solved my problems and told her about it later. If I tell her about a problem, she becomes really frustrated and starts screaming about all the wrong things I did that set the problem off. She comes to me for everything and I learned very early on that I can’t come to her for almost anything. She is a good mother and she is caring, but she is also incredibly demanding and sees everything she asks of me as my duty, since I’m her only child. She constantly uses guilt to trap me into feeling bad for wanting to have some freedom in my life and not always be responsible for her issues. In fact, I feel guilty just typing this because I can only imagine how betrayed she would feel. She has cut herself off from every single other person in her life. I am her sole emotional support and the only person she can go to for anything. I know there isn’t anything I can do to change it, so I’m just trying to learn healthier ways to deal with this, because it’s consuming me. Anyway, I’m looking forward  to meeting others who are dealing with this and learning from all of you.

[OhGeeeez!]

I'm just beginning to sort out things myself so not much help coming from me right now.  But i totally understand how getting married and moving away is a major stresser.  My MIL has gotten worse with each of her children leaving the nest and the daughterinlaws are the biggest threats to her happiness.  The death of her husband and the birth of each grandchild have made her unbearable!  So, i totally feel for you--especially as an only child! 

I wonder if you could get her to agree to a day or timeslot of radio silence?  "I know you understand that as a married woman xyz needs my attention and i know you want me to succeed in xyz, so i need fridays 4-8pm to focus.  If you cant contact me during those times you know i am safe and will return your call before bedtime."

[momisborderline]

  and welcome, Need to Breathe, I think you'll find this website extremely helpful. I found it only a few months ago, and it's helped me tremendously.

I can relate to so much of what you've written in terms of my experience with my own mother. Even your screen name, Needtobreathe, perfectly describes my relationship with my mother. You can read some of my posts and see if they sound familiar to you. Eggshells was an extremely helpful book for me to read, I'd also like to recommend to you "Understanding the Borderline mother", by Christine Lawson.  She goes into a description of the four types of borderlines, I certainly don't pretend to know everything about this, but your mom sounds like the waif borderline personality. Lots of moms can switch between the four, my mom started out as a queen borderline, but now she's exhibiting a lot of signs of the waif borderline but now and then the queen shines through.

I'll try to write more another day, but in the meantime, keep reading this website you'll find a lot of good information here. There's also some good articles online that I'll try to provide a link to - but if you Google "borderline personality types" you might find the synopsis of the four types really helpful. Maybe you've already learned about them? In any case, you're in the right place and welcome.