Husband has BPD and I'm really struggling :(

[frenchy1502]

Hi everyone,

Really hoping I can find support here as I'm finding life really hard right now.  Well I have been for several years but it's becoming increasingly difficult.

My Husband who I've been with for 7 years has recently been diagnosed with BPD.  Prior to that it was thought that he had Bi-Polar and had been on the wrong antidepressants since his teenage years with no formal mental health assessment!
So to be honest, when he got the correct diagnosis I was relieved and hopeful for the future.  But things are SO hard at the moment and are getting worse.  We have a 2 year old Son too so that makes things even more emotional.

My Husband's always been a Jekyll and Hyde.  When he's "up" he's kind, understanding, thoughtful, funny, but when he's "down" he's angry, rude, hurtful, has aggressive (verbal not physical) outbursts, says horrendous things to me, becomes erratic and unpredictable, cancels plans etc.  It's a horrible, horrible side to him and it's really hard to separate what's him and what he really feels from what's BPD.  It's making me lose my own mind and I'm trying desperately to hold it together.

I've thought of leaving many times.  That in itself devastates me as I am genuinely a patient, sympathetic, understanding person.  I too have mental health issues (depression, anxiety, OCD) so I do understand mental health issues to a certain extent but have had no experience with BPD prior to this.

I'm at my wits end.  He's more "down" than up these days and it's just daily arguments and upset.  Me regularly questioning whether I can go on living like this.  Whether things will ever get better or if this is just my life now.  I'm so uncertain of the future and I'm terrified.

All of our plans are on hold.  We wanted to clear our debts, move to a bigger place, we wanted to plan for another baby.  Right now I cannot see those things happening.  He has been off work because of his mental health since Summer 2017.  I'm the only one bringing In a wage.  Things are really tight.  I only just about manage to cover our rent and bills, let alone clear debts or save for the future.  He says he wants to go back to work but I don't see that happening any time soon.  Plus the fact that holding down a job has always been a massive issue for him, usually due to his poor attendance and that was always a massive source of stress to me in the past.  It's just a nightmare.

He's only been on his new medication for 3 days and there's unfortunately a 2 month wait for the therapy sessions he needs.  So i know i need to give it time, it's just i've been trying to cope with this situation for years already prior to his diagnosis.  The awful thing is I know he's really unhappy, but i cannot reach him.  BPD has made him turn against me and i'm so frightened this could end our marriage.

I desperately need someone to talk to who's in the same situation.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi frenchy1502,

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through! There are many of us here in similar situations to yours, myself included. I've been with my partner for 7 years as well and things are not good at the moment for us either.

Your situation is very relatable because I too have wondered if my significant other is bipolar and has BPD traits. I cannot tell if he has a mood disorder (that could respond to medication) and these emotional/behavioral issues or what. It sounds very fortunate that you at least have this new, correct diagnosis to go with - that is a plus, keep holding on to that.

I can definitely relate to your Jekyll and Hyde description and the impact it has on you. I understand the devastation that you feel as well being a "patient, sympathetic, and understanding person" but being pushed to your limits by these extreme behaviors you've been dealing with.

I can also relate to you being at this point... .here you are right on the verge of him potentially being better, but you are also at a breaking point. He just started with his medication, and it will take time for those to work, and the therapy can't start fast enough... .and here you are at your wit's end.  

Do you have your own support system in place or any chance to build one? By this I mean a therapist for you, an understanding friend or family member, anyone? I know many of us cannot afford therapists, and you too may be in this boat as am I, and often our friends and family don't understand. You do have folks here to share your issues with and this space also provides a lot of potential for learning new communication skills and ways to adjust your relationship to the kinds of behaviors that you experience that are quite hard to deal with - often the best approaches are counter-intuitive to what we might think is the appropriate thing to do or say.

Do you feel you can hold on a little longer while the medication starts to take effect?

Keep posting and reading here and engaging the community here, even if you do have a therapist, because I think having more people on your "team" can be a plus on your journey with these issues.

wishing you the best, pearlsw.

[frenchy1502]

Hi Pearlsw,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post, it really means a lot.  I'm sat in tears currently feeling so low and lost.  He says he doesn't feel he can talk to me anymore.  No matter how he's treating me, he always manages to turn it back around on me.  My head is so confused right now.  I just want the old him back.

I have lots of friends and my parents, but none of them would understand this.  My best friend knows about his diagnosis but she only ever says "I don't know how you stay with him".  I know she only wants the best for me and is just worried, but I need support and advice on making things better, not walking away.  Even though walking away is what I feel like doing most of the time.

I just hope and pray that the medication starts to have an effect.  That his counselling sessions get brought forward.  I worry though, that he wont give them the full picture, as he seems to have a very different view of the situation and his behaviour than I do.

I guess only time will tell.  Problem is I can feel myself slipping into depression, and the one person I want to talk to, I can't.  I do have a therapist who I can arrange to see, I've just been trying to hold off, hoping that things would improve.

Thank you again for your kind words.  It's means so much that someone's reached out to me.  I hope things improve for you too.  So has your partner not had a formal diagnosis of BPD?  What behaviours does he display?  (If you don't mind me asking that is.)

[pearlsw]

Hi frenchy1502,

Oh sure! Nice to hear back from you - hopefully others will join us here as well!

My husband has extreme black and white thinking. I'm pretty much either being idealized or totally devalued. Due to this he makes a lot of divorce threats (instead of typical relationship problem solving) and this has created a highly unstable relationship over the years. It took me a long time to make sense of what he was doing because I'd never heard of such behaviors and didn't know how to get information on it. I searched and searched, and suspected schizophrenia (which a family member of his has), bipolar, ADHD, PTSD, and BPD.

My training is in another field, not psychology, so I didn't understand that just because he didn't meet the threshold of a diagnosis that... .there were still ways to address just the behaviors. He lots of other issues too, he has abandonment fears, he's extremely jealous, he can be paranoid, he will say pretty much anything in an argument/almost no limits on that, etc.  He does not have an official diagnosis, and we were hoping to get one this month, but now, to hurt me, he has reneged on his promises to try to get better and work on our relationship. Who knows what will happen... .

You can ask me more at anytime, but let's talk about you!

I am sorry to hear you feel you could be slipping into a depression! Are there things you can do to help bring your mood back up? How do you typically balance yourself? I know with my monthly cycle I can get pretty low sometimes, I can see that fog come over my brain and all that keeps me going is to remind myself it will pass, but other than that I do okay. Have you experienced mild or more severe depression before?  Until you can get time with your therapist, if you like, keep talking here, okay? (and after that too of course! )

Do you want to talk over the concept of "improvement"? I found that realigning what this word meant to me helped me to feel less burdened by it. Have you heard of the concept of Radical Acceptance? It's a more advanced concept that comes after studying up a bit about the disorder, but just something to put on your list to explore.  It takes time to wrap our minds around what BPD/BPD traits are and how we can respond to them in ways that have the potential to make things better, or at least not make them worse.

Can you tell us more about feeling low and lost?

wishing you peace, pearlsw.  

[Chynna]

I feel your pain and my heart goes out to you my dear.

[Magpie L]

Hi frenchy1502,
I am so sorry that you are in such a bad place right now. I’m afraid there are no easy answers to how to deal with what you are going through. What works for one may not work for another. I would recommend the book “Stop Walking On Eggshells” if you haven’t read it. I devoured it as I was so desperate for answers after loving this confusing nightmare for 6 years. It has helped clarify and validate many issues for me. Like you, leaving is not the option I want to choose. While he is emotionally abusive, there is no physical abuse, and when things are good, they are amazing. In the book there is a section on suggestions for living in a gray area-staying, but protecting yourself emotionally. I would recommend you read that section especially. For me personally, I am continuing the relationship, but with far less closeness until he can admit he has a problem and seeks help. I am also focusing on taking care of myself-taking long walks, spending time with friends, reading. Do some things to give yourself peace and joy, even if it feels like you are just going through the motions. It will be empowering until you reach a point where you actually feel some peace and joy. That may help give you some clarity.

I’m not sure if I answered your question or not, but please know that you are not alone. The anger and rage he exhibits is not about you. It’s about his inability to regulate his emotions. If most people knew the things that were said to us when they are in a rage, they would tel us we are out of our minds for staying. Most people can’t understand. In fact, unless they’ve  lived it, they can’t even begin to understand. You’re feelings, stories, and decisions are safe here.

Hugs to you. Keep your chin up and take care of yourself. And know that you don’t deserve the words that are said to you in a rage.

[frenchy1502]

Hi pearlsw,

Sorry for my delay in responding, has been a busy few days between being a Mummy to my energetic, non-sleeping toddler and work

Thank you for your reply.  It really helps me to read of other people's experiences.  I'm sorry to hear of the struggles you're going through with your partner too.

I'm slowly getting my head round the traits and patterns of BPD I think.  After a really difficult couple of weeks, my Husband woke up on Friday morning and was "back" again.  It was the person I fell in love with again.  I gave him a big hug and asked him not to "leave" me again   Of course I know it goes in cycles and those hard times will come round yet again, but for now I'm making the most of him being him again.  It's such a hard, confusing situation isn't it.  It's like I go to rock bottom with him, thinking is this the end of our marriage, then the very next day we can be on a high again and loving our relationship.  BPD is mentally exhausting   But no doubt for him too!

It really means a lot that I can talk openly to people here.  I'd like to feel people can confide in me too if they need to

I've not heard of the term Radical Acceptance.  I will add it to my reading list.  I've just downloaded the audiobook "Stop Treading On Eggshells" which someone here recommended, so will see if that helps at all.

Many thanks again, it's much appreciated x

[frenchy1502]

I feel your pain and my heart goes out to you my dear.

Thank you Chynna 

[frenchy1502]

Hi frenchy1502,
I am so sorry that you are in such a bad place right now. I’m afraid there are no easy answers to how to deal with what you are going through. What works for one may not work for another. I would recommend the book “Stop Walking On Eggshells” if you haven’t read it. I devoured it as I was so desperate for answers after loving this confusing nightmare for 6 years. It has helped clarify and validate many issues for me. Like you, leaving is not the option I want to choose. While he is emotionally abusive, there is no physical abuse, and when things are good, they are amazing. In the book there is a section on suggestions for living in a gray area-staying, but protecting yourself emotionally. I would recommend you read that section especially. For me personally, I am continuing the relationship, but with far less closeness until he can admit he has a problem and seeks help. I am also focusing on taking care of myself-taking long walks, spending time with friends, reading. Do some things to give yourself peace and joy, even if it feels like you are just going through the motions. It will be empowering until you reach a point where you actually feel some peace and joy. That may help give you some clarity.

I’m not sure if I answered your question or not, but please know that you are not alone. The anger and rage he exhibits is not about you. It’s about his inability to regulate his emotions. If most people knew the things that were said to us when they are in a rage, they would tel us we are out of our minds for staying. Most people can’t understand. In fact, unless they’ve  lived it, they can’t even begin to understand. You’re feelings, stories, and decisions are safe here.

Hugs to you. Keep your chin up and take care of yourself. And know that you don’t deserve the words that are said to you in a rage.

Magpie L,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me, sorry for the delay in my response!

Thank you for the book recommendation.  I've just downloaded it as an audiobook so will definitely give it a listen once my toddler gives me some peace

You're right, things said when he's in a bad place with his BPD are so hard, and so hard to detach myself emotionally from and realise it's just his condition and not a true reflection on how he really feels.  When you're in the moment it's so raw and hurtful isn't it.  And like you say, if I was to tell my friends and family of some of the things said, they wouldn't understand and would want me to leave him.  BPD is so complicated isn't it!  I'm only just starting to understand the path that lays ahead of me, but I'm feeling a bit more hopeful now.

Thank you so much for your kind words, it means so much.  I'm here too if you ever need to talk x

[Highlander]

Hi Frenchy1502,

First of all I want to tell you that I really feel for you right now.  Like so many other's here I have been there too.

My husband of 11 years was diagnosed with BPD in 2011.  Until then we were both incredibly confused and would often hurt each other.  Him through his BPD 'Black and white thinking' towards me and his rages and threats of leaving me and me because I didn't know the right skills to respond to his insecurities.

When he was suspect that I was having an affair with the electrician, I would once respond with telling him that he is being ridiculous.  After learning that this type of denial only makes people with BPD sufferers to feel worse, I learnt how to validate his emotions but not his delusions.  I no longer reacted that way anymore but sat with him and told him that I could see he is upset and I am happy to listen to him.  Often accusations such as the 'affair with the electrician idea' was not his inner feelings at all.

It took a number of years of hard work for both of us but I can happily say that my husband no longer has BPD.  What helped us with his recovery (and I understand that not all BPD sufferer's would respond the same way as my husband did) but the following worked for us:

- Diagnosis and acceptance of diagnosis.  We both cried with tears of relief that day.  Me because it was not bipolar and was a curable disorder and him because he was no longer confused by his BPD behaviour.

-Therapy for both of us.  Luckily for me, my dBPDh was part of the 25% of BPD sufferer's that don't portray NPD traits, meaning he may have been manipulative and dishonest when he was raging but when he turned back into himself (the loving caring one), he was remorseful and would own up to his own actions, often very confused as to why he did and said the things he said.  Not being a liar and manipulator in the good times, meant that combined therapy worked for us.  He'd often ask me to go in first and describe to our therapist the events that had recently occurred which helped him to not relive them but to learn skills to tackle his behaviour. 

-I bought a lot of Books and found literature.  Because my dBPDh accepted diagnosis, even though he didn't care much to read them... .I lapped them up.  I always waited to address what happened when his mood had changed back to his loving self but having recognised that he was ashamed of his behaviour, I was often able to quote parts of books to help him to not beat himself up for it.  In our case - Part of his negative behaviours was his guilt towards his 'unexplainable' actions.  So I'd point out parts of the many books or references that showed him that this was quite common for BPD sufferer's and that it's just something to work on next with our therapist and I'd always have to reiterate to him that it's not his fault he has BPD.  Some conversations were about really heavy stuff and others were rather laughable.  An example of a laughable one was I caught him out deceiving me using our money on ebay to buy various knives (he had a fascination with knives seeing he was also a self harmer).  I had read somewhere that some BPD sufferer's can have ebay or auction type habits.  I waited until he was in a good mood and told him that I knew about his ebay habit and reassured him it's OK, I am not angry.  I then provided him with the reference that BPD sufferer's can have ebay habits.  He was shameful and remorseful and 'poor me' for a little while but within an hour I managed to get a laugh out of him and he not only agreed I should change all passwords to the ebay account but he said he was glad it was now in the open because he hated the betrayal.  I have also been able to quote him things from this forum site, helping him to understand he is not a 'freak' there are other's experiencing the same symptoms.

-Making an emergency plan:  We both sat down with our therapist and agreed to an emergency plan.  We don't have children so ours was simple as we didn't have to remove them from conflict.  When he'd rage, I'd give him some calming medication, put some calming music on and he would lie on the bed and cuddle our little dog.

-Reduce Triggers:  At times we had combined therapy whereby we had to recognise the trends that triggered his BPD.  It really helped for me to work on my facial expressions.  I didn't realise that at times I was upsetting him just from them alone.  I may have been tired because he had raged and kept me up all night or I may have been sincerely thinking what he was saying was 'pathetic', but I had to work on keeping soft expressions.  But most of all we recognised that his largest trigger was his mother.  dBPDh's therapists believe she also has BPD as well as NPD and it is well written in literature that BPD mother's often despise their children's partners.  She was often on the phone or pulling him aside to make up stories about me, even saying one thing to me and another to him to cause conflict or make up things about me to tell him.  It helped him to realise that she had done this to all his girlfriends in the past and his mother was mentally unwell herself.   Your husband may have tv shows or friends that are triggers.  It can be anything.  We made a conscious decision with dBPDh's therapist to reduce contact with his mother and dBPD's improvement in his mental health was immediate. 

Someone for me to talk to: This forum site was awesome.  I live where there are no BPD carer groups, so I found it very useful.   I also suggested that he could try BPD sufferer forum sites, he never did but often said it would be good to connect with like minded people.  Luckily for us, we had a couple of friends that also had their own BPD traits and similar childhoods that they also had to work through so they were always there for him.

Finding ways to let out my frustration away from him:  Luckily I had friends and family to talk to out of earshot of him but I would also walk our dogs or go for a ride or at times find a place out of earshot to express my frustrations and own anger.  We also bought my dBPDh a punching bag to release his frustrations and I often found myself using it too .

It took years and at times, I made mistakes... .got frustrated and forgot our rules we'd set out and at times he did too.  There was a number of setbacks but over time, I began to see his BPD traits fade and he was better able to handle difficult situations in life without relapse of these traits.  There are rare moments under much stress, the odd trait may rear it's ugly head but it is often addressed by me saying "Hey you're splitting or that's a BPD trait" and he now often instantly say's "Your right.  I'm Sorry".

It is well written that many people that have BPD are beautiful sensitive souls.  My husband is one one of them and for me it was well worth sticking around... .however... .after diagnosis, I made it clear that he must work hard to recover and that he must never give up.  Luckily for me... .for us... .he was true to his word.  Sending you all my best wishes frenchy1502, seeing you also obviously have a beautiful sensitive soul too, that hopefully some of what helped us may also help you.

Lastly, you say he has only been on his new medication for a few days.  We have gone through a number of medication changes and my husband was quite vulnerable and sensitive, especially for the first few days but always for up to 2-6 weeks between getting off the last ones and on to the next ones and when he missed a day... .I could always tell!

[frenchy1502]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply Highlander.  Your post was really helpful.  I'm learning more about this condition day by day.  I really want to help him and also ensure I'm protecting my own mental health at the same time.  Just taking it day by day right now.  I hope your partner continues to improve.  So glad I found this forum for support x