Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 01, 2021, 11:04:58 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: We started a family together, I know its over but I can't let go,  (Read 326 times)
bgg2745

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 7


« on: January 29, 2018, 02:41:40 AM »

my sig other has all the symptoms of BPD, I may adopted some myself now, we started a family together, I know its over but I can't let go, can never reach this person no matter how I try, perpetual hell, lost, abandoned, alone, no peace in sleep, dreams, anywhere. Chasing a dream, life of values, family fix for our children that cannot be had or does not exist anymore, my others love, I was an enabler or is the true enabler the laws which allow so many opportunists the right to abandon, take all without investigation for fault, and claim financial rewards for their actions?  
Logged
Pencil sketch
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 206


« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2018, 03:22:20 AM »

Hey bgg2745, welcome, everything you are expressing, is normal, can you tell us a bit more about your situation?
This place, has literally saved my life.
Logged

FindingMe2011
a.k.a. *BeenThereB4*
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1224



« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2018, 08:40:46 AM »

my sig other has all the symptoms of BPD, I may adopted some myself now]

at the very least, you have to enable the illness, for it to be around... .it also dictates you fall in line, and the path of least resistance is to mimic... .when in Rome, do as the Romans... .now is not a good time, to be so sure of your decision making... .feeling based conclusions, are all too often, leading us the wrong way... .they helped, in getting to this situation... .

we started a family together, I know its over but I can't let go]

with children involved, i hope their well being is being considered... .they are the true victims... .did u end the r/s ? do u wish to still be in the r/s ?

can never reach this person no matter how I try, perpetual hell, lost, abandoned, alone, no peace in sleep, dreams, anywhere

I know this scenario well, with many others on this site... .For me, it later became help to insight on how/why, i decided to stay in such a toxic r/s... .Somehow i had the insight to understand, that what I was experiencing, was much more than this r/s... .I was right for once

I was an enabler or is the true enabler the laws which allow so many opportunists the right to abandon, take all without investigation for fault, and claim financial rewards for their actions?  

Could be wrong, but it appears you seem to be shifting blame, to family court laws? Many believe they are doing the right thing, only later to realize, they were enabling... .we enter these r/s ignorant, but also on our free will... .I wish u well PEACE



Logged
Lucky Jim
********
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6114


« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2018, 04:55:54 PM »

Hey bgg, Welcome!  Many of us have faced the same issues and been through similar hellish experiences, believe me, so fill us in a little about your situation when you can.  If you are posting on this board, presumably you are trying to get a handle on the aftermath of a failed r/s.  We've been there, my friend, so let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim
Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10285



WWW
« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2018, 10:41:25 PM »

Hi bgg275,

Welcome

I’d like to join the others and welcome you to the site.

Excerpt
perpetual hell, lost, abandoned, alone, no peace in sleep, dreams, anywhere.

That’s a tough place to be. Have you talked to an MD or GP about getting quality sleep? Are you eating well? Are you taking care of yourself?

Excerpt
Chasing a dream, life of values, family fix for our children that cannot be had or does not exist anymore, my others love,

I had similar feelings that our family can’t be complete the family is complete if you have the kids to teach them values without being in the middle of all the chaos.

How many kids do you have? Do she have custody of the kids? Do you see your kids?
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
bgg2745

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 7


« Reply #5 on: February 04, 2018, 08:31:45 AM »

Hello again

I am happy to see some replies, I feel imposing on you all but I thank you. To respond to your messages; She follows all the symptoms of the "BPD relationship cycle" on this site which shocked me to read it and see the exact similarity minus her actual name on it! I could not believe that this was an identified pattern of which I knew nothing about and that I got caught in it. When I met her she was close to destitute, had nothing and I would never get involved with someone like this except when I saw she was educated, timid, passive, a great listener, loving, easy to be with... .until she has an episode which happened once every 12 to 24 months with depression, anxiety, erratic conclusions, distancing  o, ( unlike a person who displays a problem daily she is serene 90% of the time to the point of - dream come true) then she seemed to lose all control and express her unhappiness by leaving suddenly with our children (no notice, never violence or even visible anger or arguments).  There were triggers but nothing that I perceived to be justified of such extreme action. She also had a history of hurting herself when she was younger, mother being the cause, having destroyed her own family and yet she runs to her for money and support (being the only one who talks to her). Mother asked no questions and I always treated them well. She left 3 times in 7 years, children came in the second year so it was not easy for me to just wash my hands of it. She needed sex all the time, I realized she equates it to love? if she does not get it she believed I was resentful of her, and she was losing control? She acts conservative in character with other woman and strongly supportive of woman with a distrust of men, (she was faithful) yet she desperately now seeks the worst choices on line for a quick sex fix (therapy?) I would like to say that all of this became more apparent to me over time ( only at court my attorney discovered 32 different residencies nationwide in 25 years with few or non lasting friendships) and yes I was more and more to blame for not doing more and more for her which I now know would have accomplished nothing but more liability and debt. I tried to fix this each time because of the wonderful person she was most of the time, I come from a European family and family is the most important sacrifice in our lives which is why I have been dedicated. Culturally I feel out of time. It is also harder to know that it is not entirely her fault from her history. I do not blame the courts for this problem primarily but HERE is another enabler, I know from association that many fathers (millions) get taken advantage of by the this status quo,,, I had "no rights" in my custody battle after months of payments and adjournments which widled me down to nothing. As long as she continued medication and monthly doctor visits she had the decision and the onus was on me to prove the court, not visa versa, this despite ALL our personal histories.  I locked my children at least in close proximity and spend all the time allowable with them, I have worked all my life a respectable job, been responsible and providing, no vices, only to feel like I have been with a reptile all this time, I'm sorry but this all sucks.
Logged
pest

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 37


« Reply #6 on: February 04, 2018, 08:58:58 AM »

Hi,

That sounds realy tough. What is your master plan? How are you going to heal yourself?

BPD relationship is really hard, and consumes lots of energy when it is on decay. My gf had same sympthoms as you described, I also find out this as you do. It took a year for me to find out.

I strongly beleive that mine has something like bipolar. But I cannot describe it, I am not doctor but there is seasonal impact on her mood in defined time intervals. As you said before, when that times come it is hard to cope with it.

But I beleive now I could cope with it, as I am very calmer and understanding than before. Maybe if you reconcile somehow once again you can use it as an advantage to your relationship.

My poor suggestion is dont get offended what she do, and what she has done. Give yourself and herself some time and space. When you feel like you can cope with her actions, and when you feel understanding then you may try it again.

Here there are members who is already have families and they are able to cope with their partners. I think you can learn from them how do they achieve it.

Good luck
Logged
Speck
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced since Mar 2018
Posts: 610



WWW
« Reply #7 on: February 04, 2018, 01:34:09 PM »

I just wanted to pop in and welcome you to the board.

I'm so sorry you are in such pain. In my experience, I know that being abruptly abandoned over and over by someone I that I loved caused a stark and confused emotional agony that's extremely hard to get away from. I woke up with it, took a bath with it, went to work with it... .everywhere I went, there it was in my pocket looking at me. I even had chest pain, like my heart was actually breaking.

Father Time is a friend. Journaling is a friend. This very board here at bpdfamily.com is a friend.

Just keep your focus on you and your children, as that's all you can humanly handle or know.

As painful as it is right now, the pain will eventually ebb away.  Even so, years from now, you may never ever understand why she left. And, most likely, she won't either. Your knowing her internal mental landscape is nigh impossible.

My point is this: Take good care of you, as that is within the realm of possible.


-Speck
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!