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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Should I file or wait for her to? (Part 1)  (Read 1338 times)
livednlearned
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« Reply #30 on: January 12, 2018, 06:44:26 AM »

I spoke to a few attorneys and they suggested I could just wait a month or so to see if she can be found or contacted. Or I could hire a private investigator to have her served.  

There is no penalty for her for living with another man.  Affairs etc. Nor would I have to pay anything as we were married 11 months.

Is she on your insurance, either health or auto?

In my state, you can file a notice with intent to divorce, or something like that, for people whose spouses are a no-show. I saw people getting their divorce papers without the other spouse present a handful of times while going through my own court ordeal. Maybe there is something like that where you live?

If there is a part of you wanting to wait things out because emotionally it's painful to do otherwise, that's very understandable, too.

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« Reply #31 on: January 12, 2018, 05:00:26 PM »

Now just got an email saying

"No longer in the state so you can't serve me"

Best response?
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« Reply #32 on: January 12, 2018, 05:02:00 PM »

"No longer in the state so you can't serve me"

 

Is she answering your email?

There is no response to that.
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« Reply #33 on: January 12, 2018, 05:04:20 PM »

Now just got an email saying

"No longer in the state so you can't serve me"

Best response?

Hmm... I'm going to suggest one but I would wait for others to critique.  There is no rush.

That answer says she is baiting or playing with you.

I would suggest.

"Thanks for letter me know.  I would appreciate it if you would provide me a forwarding address.  I have a stack of mail for you that I need to send somewhere"

I'm assuming the mail thing is true.

Don't address the "argument bait" at all... .be pleasant.

Opinions from the crowd?

FF
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« Reply #34 on: January 12, 2018, 05:06:56 PM »

Your state does have Divorce by Publication.
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« Reply #35 on: January 12, 2018, 05:08:30 PM »



Is she answering your email?

There is no response to that.

Yes. My email from two weeks ago I suppose.

Her ex served her out of state before so she knows it is possible. So yes. Some sort of game.
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« Reply #36 on: January 12, 2018, 05:13:15 PM »


Big picture,

I think you respond to the email in the off chance that you get an address... .although there is very low chance of that.

I certainly would not suggest you are "wrong" to not reply.

There is no substance to respond to.

FF
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Husband321
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« Reply #37 on: January 12, 2018, 05:17:26 PM »

Big picture,

I think you respond to the email in the off chance that you get an address... .although there is very low chance of that.

I certainly would not suggest you are "wrong" to not reply.

There is no substance to respond to.

FF

She might not even be out of state.  She is probably, in her head, thinking I will miss her if she is out of state. So zero chance of getting an address even if she did move
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« Reply #38 on: January 12, 2018, 05:31:07 PM »

The reason I wouldn't respond is so that she doesn't block your email.

Get your case on the docket, and email her. That will ease your conscience. THe publication of the divorce in the local newspaper will meet the legal requirements, but she won't see it.
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Husband321
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« Reply #39 on: January 12, 2018, 06:03:15 PM »

Well from what I read divorce by publication is expensive and takes many months. Have to exhaust all ways of finding her.

The thing is with her I know she is just playing a game right now. And is highly unstable.  So she might just email me tomorrow trying to get back together, or saying she is not out of state, or she is out of state. No idea.

So kind of sucks to start this process then she just pops up voiding all of it.

But for now the consensus is just ignore the email and wait for something else from her?

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« Reply #40 on: January 12, 2018, 06:24:00 PM »

What was she responding to?
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« Reply #41 on: January 12, 2018, 06:31:19 PM »

Two weeks ago I sent

"Hope all is well.  I would like a divorce asap. No hard feelings. How can we do this? Do you have an address I can serve you at"
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« Reply #42 on: January 12, 2018, 08:13:59 PM »


Yeah... no need to respond to that email.  You've asked for address... .she declined... it's now game playing time.

Unfortunately... .I've had to spend quite a bit of money over the years on private investigators.  To find someone that like shouldn't be too expensive.  In some states PIs are allowed to serve in person.  He finds her... walks up and does service.

Money well spent.

Certainly you need to get a firm number on how much service by publication costs... .for comparison.  I have no idea.

FF
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« Reply #43 on: January 16, 2018, 09:25:22 AM »

I haven't replied to anything from her in 10 days.

Last correspondence was her just saying I can't serve her because she isn't in my state anymore. That was 4 days ago.

Any ideas what may be going through her head? And should I still not send anything?

Part of me just wants to send something like "ok next time you are in the state let's just sign and hand the papers in". As that is what I truly want.
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« Reply #44 on: January 16, 2018, 09:54:10 AM »

Part of me just wants to send something like "ok next time you are in the state let's just sign and hand the papers in". As that is what I truly want.

You already sent that note and she rejected it. "She doesn't want to do you a favor".

Besides, it's very passive aggressive and shows a lot of emotion. It's feels like a test. "Are we really over?"  She'll see that.

It sounds like your not ready yet.
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Husband321
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« Reply #45 on: January 16, 2018, 12:07:41 PM »

You already sent that note and she rejected it. "She doesn't want to do you a favor".

Besides, it's very passive aggressive and shows a lot of emotion. It's feels like a test. "Are we really over?"  She'll see that.

It sounds like your not ready yet.

True.  Sounded good in my head, but actually writing that out made me see that it seems rather weak.
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« Reply #46 on: January 16, 2018, 12:52:22 PM »

But for now the consensus is just ignore the email and wait for something else from her?

Not necessarily.  The ball is in your court.  Your choice, your decision.  You can respond to her email, or not.  You can go ahead and file for divorce, or not.  You have time to ponder, or wait.  However, inaction is also a choice and for most of us inaction was not a good choice, not for long, it handed too much control over to the other person.

Your overall expectation is that you'll divorce, right?  So look at it this way, which is more advantageous, filing soon or waiting for her to do something else?  How would that impact the end game?  Maybe playing her game at her pace might work.  But most here have found that lost us of some of the control of the relationship and the divorce unwinding process.  Playing her game may not make things go faster.
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« Reply #47 on: January 18, 2018, 12:33:17 PM »

Now she called to leave a mean message... .

"I am calling to see what you want to do about the divorce.  My boyfriend is getting really antsy and wants this over.  You will be unblocked so call me back"
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« Reply #48 on: January 18, 2018, 12:56:41 PM »

My suggestion is to draft a short email and a short settlement agreement letter and post it here (put blanks for the specifics) and get feed back on the tone and shoot it over to her to edit.
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« Reply #49 on: January 18, 2018, 03:59:02 PM »

My suggestion is to draft a short email and a short settlement agreement letter and post it here (put blanks for the specifics) and get feed back on the tone and shoot it over to her to edit.

There isn't anything to settle.  All we need to do is sign the papers.

I do wonder why she is being up this guy in the phone message. I guess trying to push my buttons
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« Reply #50 on: January 18, 2018, 04:09:20 PM »

Don't sabotage yourself with emotion.

It's hard, because that is what is really going on. And understandable.

She mentioned the boyfriend to either cover for why she wasn't agreeable in the last email or to let you know she is done and not try to connect or both.

Reconsider my suggestion. I think it will move this forward.

And yes, it does not address the equity or emotion that is in your heart. My suggestions are business and about not triggering her so you can get this done.
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« Reply #51 on: January 18, 2018, 05:22:56 PM »

Shes shoving the guy in your face to try and make you bite/ upset you/ show you your missing out etc etc. Or maybe shes so much in the honeymoon phase that she didn't even think that she was rubbing the fact she has a boyfriend in your face. My ex wife did this. She would go on and on about her boyfriend. It was like a school kid being all excited and wanting to tell everyone.

As others have said its time to put emotion to one side and treat it as a business transaction. Be the grey man. Don't rise to anything she might say. keep communication to a minimum and always do it by email or text. you cant prove or disprove anything said on the phone and also keeping it in writing gives you time to compose it without letting emotions get in the way.
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« Reply #52 on: January 18, 2018, 08:26:12 PM »

I didn't reply at all.

The she texted tonight

"You have been evasive "

"I am having you served"

"Want a divorce from you"

I am the "evasive" one, yet she blocked more for a month and left me for another guy?

I'm not even sure if the other guy is still there. Just how she is.

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« Reply #53 on: January 19, 2018, 12:19:06 PM »

Distract, divert, delay?  Which?  All?  Keep any communication on track.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #54 on: January 19, 2018, 12:28:13 PM »

What do you think about Skip's suggestion to draft a short email and settlement agreement and have friends here take a look?

You don't have to do anything with it right away. It might also help disengage from the sideshow  
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« Reply #55 on: January 19, 2018, 01:09:32 PM »

Excerpt
"I am having you served"

If she does, that starts the divorce process. If she doesn't, it's just another empty threat.
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Husband321
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« Reply #56 on: January 19, 2018, 01:23:02 PM »

If she does, that starts the divorce process. If she doesn't, it's just another empty threat.

What is the disadvantage to just letting her serve me?

Emotionally I am doing well and don't really want to contact her at all... with her calling and texting all of a sudden I think it is obvious she just wants to engage for whatever reason. She could have just written an email if she wanted it less personal
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« Reply #57 on: January 19, 2018, 01:25:09 PM »

What is the disadvantage to just letting her serve me?

The only disadvantage is that she can be perceived as the aggrieved party, which may make her more sympathetic in the eyes of the court and evaluators. However, this is probably not a very large disadvantage and may not even be real. In every divorce, there's a petitioner and respondent, and advantages don't always flow to the petitioner.
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« Reply #58 on: January 19, 2018, 01:27:53 PM »

The only disadvantage is that she can be perceived as the aggrieved party, which may make her more sympathetic in the eyes of the court and evaluators. However, this is probably not a very large disadvantage and may not even be real. In every divorce, there's a petitioner and respondent, and advantages don't always flow to the petitioner.

I suppose.  Andnin some cases if I would file first it would look like I abandoned her. Or kicking her out.

Only a ten month marriage with nothing commingled. So I don't see it mattering that much. This won't go to a trial or mediation. It's just signing forms.
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« Reply #59 on: January 19, 2018, 02:01:30 PM »

And in some cases if I would file first it would look like I abandoned her. Or kicking her out.

There is no reality in this, Husband321. She secretly packed up, moved out, and cut communications. Right? You didn't kick her out? Correct?

A week ago you were upset that she wouldn't provide you an address so that you could serve her. This week you are upset that she is asking you to get on with the divorce and you don't want to communicate with her.

OK. These breakups are hard.

One thing we want to do is help you stay centered and in reality - its easy, we're not emotionally invested. It's fair to say that your initial email was really to get a reaction from her. Fair?  You are not ready yet.

Her reaction is also laced with inconsistencies. First she said "good luck finding me" after waiting two weeks to respond - now she has reversed course and is extremely impatient.

My guess is that this is some of the "not so nice" communication that has become normal in your relationship.

So what was the fight about when she left?

What do you really want to say to her?

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