4 weeks silent treatment became 7 & I now know what's going on.

[HistoryAddict]

Hi every body.  This is a sad upsetting update to my previous posts on the Saving a relationship board.
My BPDbf has now gone 7 weeks without direct communication, having gradually blocked me at fortnightly intervals on his phone and social media. However, on Saturday I received a message on facebook from a woman I'd never heard from before, she asked me to accept friends request as she needed to chat with me.

She then told me she'd found my page via likes and loves I'd left on HIS page, she was surprised to find me claiming to be his woman and in a r/s with him, on my page, as he'd told her he'd been single for many months... .

This lady told me that she's known him 4 years, they met once only in 2013 due to a dating site, but she was not attracted to him, he slept on her sofa. They remained friends on face book however, as she herself has BPD which is under control she said, and she thought they'd be support for each other. She had occasional messages from him.

BUT she said that during the last 3 weeks he's been messaging her constantly, saying she's always been his 'perfect woman', 'the one that got away' and he now feels that he loves her, and wants to see her again urgently to be given another chance to woo/impress her. She lives slightly further away from him than I do, but in the opposite direction in England.

She said she is STILL not interested in him,finds him overweight and unattractive etc,  but was shocked by his lies about being single. I told her what had happened and how he'd left me in hospital then started the silent treatment, she was horrified at his heartless treatment of me and the money he'd had from me. Advised me to just forget him... .She then left him a message, saying that she knows about me and is shocked by his actions.

When he read the message, he began saying nasty, hurtful things about me, to her. he told her that he just 'used' me cos I was old, disabled and lonely and I was a 'soft touch' and I'm too old for him and not attractive... .I would be cut to the quick on reading all this, but it doesn't make any sense to me. At the start, I said I thought I was a bit too old for him and he should look for someone younger, NO he said, the same age gap when the man is older is seen as fine and should also be fine if the opposite way round... .he said that I DO NOT look my age (true on my face) He sent many adoring complementary messages, 'Good morning gorgeous, how are you today?' greetings, many, many mornings. He said that if someone would shun you because you walk with a crutch,that would make them shallow... .
He told her it's HER he wants and he finds ME ugly and desperate, totally unbelievable after so many lovely messages and compliments, and the evidence of my own eyes when he was with me, and the constant begging for pictures and videos to be sent to him... .I have cried and feel hurt and rejected, but find it hard to believe he means the things he's said... .Is it just that he's annoyed that my FB page has got in the way of him persuing his new love/sex interest? He doesn't seem to want to accept he already had no chance with this lady, and at first told her he'll stand outside her door till she talks to him... .OR could he be trying to sound nasty and cruel to make it easier for me to let go of him? He seemed so kind and caring, the things he posts on social media give him away to be a kind, caring, gentle hearted man. I sent an email saying I can't believe a man who tweets caringly about sick children could really be 'laughing out loud' about causing a disabled woman to feel hurt and broken, I said it must be because of his cruel illness and not because he is a cruel man. The lady he wants to replace me with said she'd told him he'd hurt me and that it was cruel, and that he'd replied with ''... .I asked in my email. why would he want to chat with someone who says he's a fat, vile dole dosser (showed him screen shot of her comments) rather than ME that cares about him... .

The next day she said he was very quiet, but on new years eve night, he messaged her again, saying if he can't have HER, his life is not worth living, he wants to end it... .followed by another saying 'Goodbye, I'm ending it, life's s**t, I've nothing to live for' then he blocked her... .

Neither of us had details of his family contacts except I know his sister's twitter name, and we don't live in or near his area to be able to easily contact his local emergency services. I couldn't do nothing, so had no choice but to tweet his sister to please check on her brother for me as he's saying alarming things on line to someone we both know.  I worried and cried more for 24 hours, till I saw he'd re tweeted something on the twitter account I'm blocked from, had to log out, and look at it as if I don't have an account myself. to do that, so he IS ok, after all that alarming talk... .

He will be hunting for his next victim on the dating site now... .but I can't help wondering, is it RIGHT or FAIR that others should be left to wander innocently on to his path. with no warning?  I made a post to tell my friends (don't have many) and family what a miserable christmas I've had, described how he's treat me, that I was dumped while in hospital etc, I said I don't think it's really his fault as he suffers from a cruel illness and I spoke of how I still love him etc... .Then I posted a picture of the book I bought in August, 'Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder' and I posted a description of the illness by the mental health charity 'Mind' so that my family could read about it.  If he finds a new 'friend' who strays across from his page onto mine and happens to also read the posts before it is too late for them, can anyone tell me I've done wrong in leaving it there, top of my page? I wish one of the other women on his page, (there's getting to be a lot of them) had made such a warning post on their pages, for me to find. maybe they never knew what affected him and didn't get that involved, it took me 3 months to discover his therapists posts from 2015, hiding in plain sight. 

Why did he have T. and it doesn't appear to have done him much good. I guess I'm seen as the thorn in his side now... he had no chance with his preferred replacement but maybe imagines he might have done, if she'd not come across my page. She asked him to send me my brand new £30 dressing gown, he said it's in the trash... .but I will be sending him the football mug I bought him with his team name on it, for use when he came here... .he said he'll call police if I keep bothering him! He only finally closed twitter a week ago, then I emailed a few times, but not contacted him for 5 days now. Hope he misses me and can't find another poor victim to replace me, I have a valentine card I got with his christmas card here, as well as his mug and his reading glasses.

I wonder if he will possibly re consider. Can't bear to think of him all alone, can't bear to think of him making another woman suffer like me now, isn't it better if a person who's already involved and starting to have understanding of his problems just gets back together with him... .I can't bear leaving things just as they are, there are things I REALLY need to say to him. Leave him to think about things for a few weeks... .then send the mug, valentine and a little hand written letter? then a few more weeks if necessary till I send a birthday card at the end of March? Wonder if he'll regret losing me by then... .It's OVER at the moment, but I don't know about the future, and I CAN'T BELIEVE he meant those nasty things he said about me, to her... .just wanted her to feel it's been HER he craved for 4 years? That he only bothered with me. not cos he liked/desired me, but to use me? Did he think that made him seem a nice boyfriend prospect to her? And is he in danger to himself after his threat to end it, on New Years eve?

I've never felt so knocked down and depressed and haunted by someone. in all my life... .and been trying to get over a major operation throughout all this... .and NO, I HAVE NOT BEEN DOING MY POST SURGERY EXERCISES. My eldest took my stress level reading on her new phone today, with my finger tip, it was the highest it could possibly be and a bad heart rate... .WELL, WHAT A SURPRISE... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

he said what he said to her, about you, out of desperation.

people with BPD and BPD traits are impulsive, and over express themselves. they live in the moment, and feelings about and toward people can flip on a dime.

in other words, though incredibly painful, the words should be taken with a grain of salt. thats not to say they should be dismissed altogether. as you said, its not as if him saying that is okay for any reason, and says a lot about him.

hes in a bad place emotionally, and swinging wildly in every direction. as it applies to you, hes threatened to call the police if you contact him again. i think thats something that you should take very seriously. the ball is essentially in his court to reach out, or not.

what do you think about taking some space for yourself?

[HistoryAddict]

Hi once removed, I guess I do need to take some space for myself really, try to do my exercises and get my leg stronger, I still need a knee replacing, until then I'll still be a disabled wreck who walks with a crutch which apparently bothered him, he just encouraged me to be brave and have the op, saying he wanted me to be as fit and healthy as I could possibly be, I never thought he found me unattractive because of it though, I guess chatting on line for a month and then seeing the reality of how someone struggles to walk, when you first meet them, could seem a shock though even though I told him of my condition, it's harsh he dropped me just as I went to get sorted out though.

I'd just started reading a book he gave me in the hospital, and when I arrived home, but only got to the end of the first chapter and then had to give up, with all the distress over him, 'The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists', we shared interest in Politics and he wanted me to read one of his favourite books, I was looking forward to it and intended to get to the end of it, it's a favourite book of many MP's and members of the political I belong to, too. But I just can't face it now, it makes me think too much of HIM. Don't really know what to do with myself to take my mind off him.

The lady who contacted me told me he was abused when he was a child, they'd discussed it 4 years ago as she'd also suffered the same way, I told her he'd just told me that his dad used to beat his mum, she said it wasn't his dad that abused him though. I feel terrible for him that he suffered all that as a child.

So don't you think I should send the valentine card or his mug, even when a few weeks have passed if I don't hear from him first? Just thought it will tell him I haven't totally closed the door on him, even though maybe I should. You can't call the police cos you received a card and a mug with your Scottish football team's name on it, can you?  What on earth would they say? I'd have to say he's never informed me. personally, that it's over.

I'll try to concentrate on myself for a while anyway, thank you for taking the time to listen and advise me, I appreciate it.

[Ellemno]

Be careful here.

He's blocked you on social media, hasn't replied to your messages, and let you know through someone else that he doesn't want contact. Depending on your state of residence, he actually CAN go to the police over continued contact (including receipt of gifts and messages) and get an order of protection against you. In many states, if that's violated, you can face incarceration.

I understand that you're hurt. Please also understand that he has a right to not be contacted is that's what he wants.

[HistoryAddict]

Hi, Ellemno, thanks for your message. Luckily for me though, I don't live in the USA, I live in England where the Govt has so cut back the resources and funding of the Police force, that if you had a robbery at your property, you would be lucky if the police actually turned up to investigate it, NO it's not good really, I know... ., but they'd take no notice of unwanted valentines, they'd say 'just bin it mate!' or the return of possessions that were given as gifts months earlier. I get what you're saying though, maybe I'll send the card anonymously with just a question mark and a few kisses, and get my ex hubby to post it in another town when he travels for work... .at least that way I won't have wasted money on the card, and it could cheer him up to think SOMEONE would send him a valentine! The mug is no longer a gift, it is the posession of my lovely Scottish leftie BPDBF just like the specs he left here, it was a gift months ago to use at my home. So I'm sure I can return that as the sight of it makes me cry, in my kitchen. We'll see anyway, I have been pulled a great Tarot card in an online email today, page of wands, it says I can expect some great news, suddenly, out of the blue, in the coming weeks, concerning an important situation, most likely to do with matters of the heart... .so I'm clinging on to THAT now, in the hope it means he will contact me, keeping my fingers crossed anyway.

[HistoryAddict]

Also, me returning the Mug could be seen as me letting go of him, as he knows the mug was meant to be for him to use at MY home, when he visits, so giving it back is the same as me saying "I know you wont be coming to visit me anymore". I already sent him another mug with his team on it, for his flat, as a Christmas present in early December, before I knew he was really ignoring me.

[HistoryAddict]

I can't bear the thought that he's unfairly thinking bad things about me, like that it's somehow MY fault that he's lost his 4 year face book friend to me, on my page, and that I now AM to him, the nasty things he said to her about me. and that it's MY fault he didn't get to visit her again, I wish I could make him see the truth, and realise how much I care and how strongly I feel about him. He seemed so wise before all this... .I thought the only way his illness would become a problem, would be if we ever tried to live together, and he said a while ago that he couldn't LIVE with a woman again, which is fine with me anyway.

[once removed]

sometimes the harder we try to convince someone of our way of thinking, the more we reinforce their thinking. this can be especially true when dealing with someone with BPD traits.

it sucks, and it can really nag, i know. i would suggest that with some time and space, these things will lose their weight on your mind and nag at you less.

are you seeing a therapist to help you process these feelings?

[EdR]

I think once removed said some great and helpful things here.

The 'stalking' thing is a little triggering to me: I know how suddenly a pwBPD (or maybe any person?) can make you feel like you are the stalker... .Although she never said that to me directly and she even said to me she didn't feel that way, it sure was part of the gossip I heard... .
In my case it felt extremely uncalled for and felt like a great injustice.

In your case I feel you have been warned though. And although I feel you shouldn't become scared for the police or something, I do want to say that every form of contact will most certainly drive your pwBPD further away.

[HistoryAddict]

Hi Once Removed and EdR,  No I'm not seeing any therapist, in England the system with the NHS is such that a person with mental health problems, such as BPD or whatever, would have a long wait, and be lucky to see a therapist, never mind a person in any kind of a relationship with them. Aside from anything else. I have not left my house now, and been outside, for over 7 weeks since I returned from the hospital, just been stuck in here feeling depressed and cut off... .the time supportive messages online from him would have meant so much from him.

EdR as far as the stalking thing goes, the thing was that he deliberately kept the twitter DM box open until 27th Dec. he never SAID don't get in touch, and I KNOW he was waiting around expectantly for me to tell him the results of my ex's court case, I also feel he wanted me to continue supplying him with adulation and 'I MISS YOU'  'I ADORE YOU' type messages... .he kept reading them quickly, turning those little ticks blue, right until my less adoring message came through, where I said my son has bought me the present you said you'd get me and that I shouldn't have given you £30 if I'd known you'd leave me 2 days later... .I watched in horror as he blocked me before my eyes. He'd have done it by new years eve though if not then. due to his other 'friend' contacting me.

The only moment of his 3 day visit to my home that worries me. though, in retrospect, is when he arrived, walked in the room, picked up my laptop and found I'd left a tab open on his face book page... and said 'are you stalking me on facebook again?' in a jovial way though, I'd only forgotten to close it, after messaging him earlier to ask what time he'd be arriving! I did used to worry about him though, over the months, if he wasn't online for a long time and his little green FB light didn't come on... .just as he lives alone with his dog and was saying he was depressed a lot, well look what he finally threatened new years eve.

I'd really like to just stay friends if it's over romantically... .how am I Supposed to ask for that though if I must not contact at all... .do I wait for a year to pass? so that it doesn't feel like I was breathing down his neck. I'd like to be pen friends if he'd find that less intimidating, I love writing real letters and he claims to love reading and has often praised my writing ability, which is severely restricted in online communications. we still have lots in common especially politics.

[HistoryAddict]

I feel like I got to know one person last April. and now another different person has been revealed to me. over the last few weeks, and I feel really bereaved of the original person I thought I knew... .

Can't help wishing he could at least have 'strung me along' for a few more weeks, to get me over the operation and past christmas at least... it would only have cost him a few more online messages, 2 or 3 a week would have kept me happy, he could have still tested the water with that other woman, and gone on a dating site, I'd have had no reason to investigate that, then... .But I guess you'll say that's what a normal guy would be capable of doing, if he was getting tired of a woman he'd been seeing and she'd just been through surgery... .the BPD means they have to act straight away. no matter HOW inconvenient the timing is... .it's not just me who had a sad xmas, my kids who'd only just met him weren't too keen on the sight of a sad. crying, depressed mother, who couldn't do her post op exercises, either... .they think they've won the argument now though, they didn't want me to find a man and now expect I have learned my sad lesson.

I expect that I probably have too.  Last time before this. that I made a new friend at all. was 1991, I'm reclusive and don't mix much, don't even get to my political party's meetings. So I expect that's it now, for me, for getting to know anyone new, once bitten. a thousand times shy... .apart from going thru the motions life will be pretty much over at 56.

[HistoryAddict]

The valentine card has got his name PRINTED on the front of it, it's the last time I'll ever be able to send one in the rest of my life... .I was looking forward to being able to send one finally, this year, and maybe even receiving one too... but your advice is not to post it I think... .I'm starting to feel somewhat tragically like Miss Havisham here, from Great Expectations, Feel like putting his card up on my own shelf... .maybe joined by the old ancient ones that I got from my ex hubby years ago, sit drinking port and lemon from the football mug I got him, and carry on until the cobwebs develop around me... .somebody will discover me in 20 years time still looking at his unsent valentine. Sorry guys I know you all have enough problems of your own, I've been reading your posts too. It all feels so hopeless to me x

[HistoryAddict]

When he stayed with me, in November, he actually met my ex. who was delivering my shopping and bringing fish and chips round for our teas, my ex shook his hand and said hope to see you again... .did all that make him feel too sucked into my life, and frighten him off? I wish I could go back in time and alter whatever caused the problem... .

[Nwish]

Hi - I’m sorry for what you are going through.

I think that’s a huge part of the problem. We all want to go back and redo a portion of the relationship now that we are armed with more information. It really stinks - what we have to go through and feeling so helpless. I’m just not sure there is anything you could have done differently. What goes on in their heads is probably not what we expect. Try not to beat yourself up... .I know it’s hard.

[HistoryAddict]

Or... .was it all premeditated? Did he know he was dumping me, the day he arrived? Did he just come to build the flat-pack furniture as his way of paying back his debt of around £200 to me, and feel he had to get me to the hospital or I might cancel my operation and then he'd have felt bad about that? Will these questions ever be answered... .if I write after some time has passed, partly to prove I didn't desert him, then I think it should only be newsy and friendly. not questioning or analysing what went wrong, can there really be much wrong in a gentle, friendly approach?

Thanks for your message Nwish you're right. I've been following your posts too and I feel for you also, with what you've been going through x

[Jeffree]

HA,

It is very sad to read how vexed and hurt your BPDex has left you. I feel for you, I really do.

If there's anything I've learned though my trials and tribulations with the two main PDexes and my recovery from them is that their actual hurtful actions toward us are what we need to work with and react to and take actions against having happen to us time and time again.

If someone was to abandon us in our hour of need, it wouldn't matter if it was a parent, lover, friend, acquaintance or whatever their dx was, this is certainly a person to divest oneself from.

Yet we keep putting our heads in the jaws of lions thinking it's safe that this is the time they won't chomp down on us, then trying to justify or make sense of it when they bite our faces off. However, this is just what lions do. It's not personal; it's just how they are wired.

Likewise, BPDs are wired to be these types who are incredible at first, then gradually chip away at our souls until there's just about nothing left, then they begin being worse and worse, seeing how much they can get away with before either they're done with their game or we take a stand on our own behalf.

These are dangerous people who are to be avoided at all costs. That your BPDex overplayed his hand and is out of your life now is a blessing. Allow the healing of your leg and broken heart to begin in earnest.

J

[HistoryAddict]

Thank you Jeffree, your words are wise and comforting. I will try to keep them in mind as I go forward with life.

[HistoryAddict]

Hi everyone.  Just felt like updating my posts as I suddenly felt a moment of total clarity come upon me, as I was reading over the final text messages that my exBPDbf and I shared in mid November.

I am still heart broken and struggling to cope with every day life, an occupational therapist who visited me last week about progress after my hip replacement, is now intending to speak to my doctor about my state of mind... .no doubt I'll be put on meds before long. Still not heard from my exBPDbf... .

I re read his final messages earlier, and the answer that I had suspected in the first place, suddenly stood out clearly in my mind to be the ONLY possible explanation for why he suddenly stopped communicating,  while I lay in a hospital bed.

He left me at the hospital just after 8am. He went back to my home to collect his case and his dog, and caught a train home to where he lives 80 miles away.  He must have waited ANXIOUSLY to hear from me, to know I was okay after the op. The evidence for that is the fact that as soon as I got my phone back from a nurse and texted him at 16.37pm, he pounced on my message immediately and he replied 2 minutes later, asking me "how did the op go?" This is not the action of a man who did not care about me and couldn't wait to try replacing me with another woman on his face book 'friends' list... .

He texted in a caring way until the following afternoon, then nothing, silence... .

The clarity which has come to me from letting go of despairing emotions and just trying to analyse the available evidence like a detective, is that the most likely thing to have happened is that he suddenly must have felt terrifyingly uncomfortable at realising, during my operation, how much he had come to care about me and it must have frightened him away. I had told him I'd put off this op for years as I'd been afraid I'd die on the operating table. So my own fears didn't help. This is the only answer that makes any sense to me. He realised he was getting too close for comfort, which must have triggered his own abandonment fears and concern about the distance between our homes. His 6 month marriage partly floundered because his ex wife had to keep leaving him regularly to visit her son down the country, it was a massive problem for him... .

This clarity in my mind DOES give some comfort and closure to my situation. BUT it is also frustratingly heart breaking to realise that I came THAT close to finding love after all these years alone, only for it to end up like this... .because of a horrible mental illness he suffers from. 

I suppose he eagerly pursued the friend he had on face book in an effort to fill the hole in his life that was left by his choice to lose me... .it is very sad and tragic.  But my question is 'what can, or should, I now do about it?  Just accept it and leave him alone to cope with his lonely life? making it appear that I don't care enough to fight to keep him in my life and that he is correct in thinking that I'd probably abandon him in the end... .I guess he doesn't want to hear from me as it reminds him of how close he came to falling for me too seriously. It opens it up again when he's tried to bury it.

I desperately want to prove him wrong that I'd desert him. It wasn't even ME who decided my ex husband should leave after his affair years ago... .he decided to go himself, I'm not someone who'd make a decision to throw someone out of my life as I'm a bit dependant type really, scared myself to be abandoned.

So I can't help thinking my best course of action is to write a friendly letter and put it in with his football mug I still have here. I can avoid regret and moaning about what happened and just give news updates, enquire after his health and show concern for him, I can say I've realised that we live too far apart and that I probably am a bit too old for him for a r/s, to make him feel safer that I'm not  after a heavy involvement which places him in danger in any way. Really I'd just be content to keep a friendship going either online or in proper letters, as things currently stand. I can even say it's OK with me if he wanted to look for a girlfriend closer to his own age, there's 10 years between ours. It's not like I feel there'd be much to be jealous about is it, since he can't allow himself to fall in love with any one... .I'd just be worried about the new woman in that case. I might be holding out hope for him giving me a chance in future, when he'd realise finally that I really wasn't going anywhere, and haven't I read somewhere that BPD symptoms improve with later age? So a letter once every 3 or 4 months?

Anyone struggling to find closure maybe just needs to study the facts and evidence in their cases without letting emotion cloud the issue, I feel that's where I got to, today. I know it's not always possible to fathom it all out even from that perspective though.  It's strange how some pwBPD can get married but others run at the first sign of feelings; with mine I think what happened when he DID marry has frightened him off closeness for life. Not sure what happened with the woman he had 2 sons with before all that tho. I suspect it was an on/off r/s, I know they never married.

It may sound a strange thing to say, but reading posts on this site has really amazed me and heartened me,  in regard to the evident depth of feelings among men for their partners. I feel like I sadly went through life and reached the age of 56, believing that women had far deeper feelings for their partners than men ever did. I'm SO SORRY, I OWE YOU ALL A BIG APOLOGY GUYS! I'm reading your posts thinking 'OH what lovely men there actually are in the world... .who knew?' that's sad and says something not good about my life. Too late to realise that at 56 I fear. Just wanted to tell you nice caring blokes out there of my enlightenment. and to apologise.

All the best to all of you, to every one struggling with these problems xx

[isilme]

If someone was to abandon us in our hour of need, it wouldn't matter if it was a parent, lover, friend, acquaintance or whatever their dx was, this is certainly a person to divest oneself from.

I agree with this statement.  I have had to go No Contact with my toxic, abusive parents for this reason.

Now, History - If you want to make final contact to get closure and to help YOU, do it.  You want to show one final time YOU are a good person and did nothing to deserve these comments and statements, fine.  But then I'd advise you stop contact, at least until you see a T of some sort about it.  You are a mass of hurt and open wounds that need some healing before you go into an infectious environment. 

I can sympathize a bit with many things you have said - I started dating much later than any friends, and came from such a  bad home my people skills were very stunted and I fell for a BPD man.  His issues are a lesser degree than my parents, but I found what I knew, and we went through some periods where he would flirt online and in person for validation he thought I was not giving him (working full time to support us while he was out of school and unemployed for a while was kinda rough on me, but me sleeping was abandoning him) and I got to a point where it almost broke me completely as a person.  This site, and realizing I am worth better treatment than that, and if that meant I'd be alone and that was okay, was what it took for me to finally find whatever it took to use the tools and lessons just enough to break our dysfunctional dynamic a sliver at a time.  But we'd been living together 10 years at that point, and there was a lot invested at that point for both of us to make it work.  Had any part of that equation been different, I may have left.

Unless he responds and you want to stay in contact and then you can take it one day at a time, hold off and work on you.  Personally, I read a lot here as you feeling this type of relationship is the best you can do, and that makes you SUCH a good mark for any other personality disorder to swoop you off your feet long enough to put you under theirs... .You need to get YOU stronger with or without someone.  He is not your job to take care of.  His emotions are his to have, and yes the condition is terrible, but SOME people are able to commit to working on it while others are farther along the spectrum.  You are putting a lot of your emotional eggs all in his basket, and he's not indicating he is the proper person to take care of them. 

He likely felt he was about to be abandoned by you having surgery, and then overreacted in a common BPD pattern, and sought to sever ties with you before you left him, even if it was by dying.  I kinda feel that this still does not put any of the onus on you for daring to have surgery.  How dare you have a medical treatment you needed? 

You are looking for rational explanations for his behavior - but it's an emotional condition.  And as has been said before, it can flip on a dime.  His feelings = his facts. 

I hope for the best for you - you are worth someone being there for you, that really deserves that card you want to send. 

[HistoryAddict]

Hi isilme and thank you for your reply to my post, it amazes me that people from far away will be kind enough to try and help me with their thoughts on my problem, whilst I am, just as usual, sitting here in my living room, practically a recluse. I'm starting to feel like it is the equivalent of an old people's home  for me, and that I'm just waiting to die in here whilst watching TV and using the internet... .

I appreciate what you are saying. I really feel for and admire those of you on here who have lived with partners with BPD and managing, and trying hard to make it work as well as you can. It's been different for me in a 9 month long distance r/s as I never got the worst of the problems people can experience from close up, I read about it all and felt like I was pretty immune, being at a distance most of the time, he was a sweetheart online, I didn't realise about the propensity to just cut someone off suddenly  as if they were dead to them, caught  me totally off guard while laying in a hospital bed. I have to admit I don't know how anyone copes with a day to day life of having to be careful of how you communicate etc. I can tell that his ex wife must have had it really tough, just from posts on his face book page in past years and having found her old neglected twitter account. Friends of hers, feeling they had to post 'thank you notes ' to him, for having ALLOWED her to go out with them... .posts he'd made to apologise to her for the way he'd behaved that night and taken it out on the person who doesn't deserve it, then read on a bit and you learn she was going away the next morning, on a long journey to visit her grown up son for a week. A week later he posts 'roll on tomorrow, it's been a long week', FINALLY her reply to a friend who tweeted about how she was missing her husband that night, the reply being that 'Aww... .I had to GET RID of mine!' dated 6 months after the wedding date... .I discovered all this myself, he never spoke of it. But I also saw the posts from his support worker about BPD so assumed he'd had some therapy.

Sadly you're right about me feeling this type of relationship is the best I can do. though I'm not in too great danger of being swept off my feet by another one,  being locked away at home, shy and reclusive. They'd have to be able to find me first!... .I've never knowingly gone looking for a man in my life, I'm kind of fatalistic in my beliefs really, if I find a man has sort of 'dropped into my lap' I'll accept it as a sign from somewhere that it was meant to be, for some reason. I was fatalistically put into the same class at school, aged 13, as my ex husband. I only joined the dating site to do detective work when I heard my ex had a secret woman he hadn't told his kids or me about in 3 years, tho we were still married. My daughter said she'd seen him on the site on his phone so I just wanted to check if he was looking for more women when apparently he already had found one, so I joined to look around, no pics of myself, forgot I was on there. 2 year later they reminded me I had a dormant account, suddenly I wondered what would happen if I put a picture of myself on it, so for curiosity I did, expecting nothing, just wanted to prove to myself I was correct. But as fate would have it, my BPDexbf messaged me just at the right moment that I would be bound to respond, firstly I was amazed and secondly It was right when I really needed someone to confide in, as the ex husband had just told me he'd been arrested. So I took it as a sign I was meant to have this man in my life. Later when I found  out what he suffered from, I took the attitude that I'm hardly a regular person myself and perhaps 'birds of a feather flock together', and that a regular guy wouldn't want me anyway... .I've learnt my lesson now though, I doubt I'll ever be found on a dating site ever again,  I couldn't go through getting to know someone and having to explain myself all over again, partly why I feel its my exBPDbf or nobody.

It was him who persuaded me to finally have the operation, the irony he's gone now after I mainly had it done for the sake of the relationship, I felt he'd go if I DIDN'T have it done... .

It would be nice if, as you said, I could really find someone who'd be there for me, who'd really deserve the card I want to send. I don't even think my kids would even allow it, if such a man should appear in my life, no matter how worthy he seemed, especially my 22 yr old son with terrible social phobia. They certainly weren't happy about my exBPDbf or him visiting us.  They'd certainly prefer it to be someone who lived a long way away who I had to go visit to be able to see at all.

I'll carefully write my letter anyway, and send the card and mug. I feel its the right thing to do. He's waiting to hear news of an appeal I had to make about my disability benefits anyway (or he WAS) he found out the result of my ex's court case but there was still my appeal to find out about when he left me. So he won't mind me writing with that news, he also gets benefits so is interested in my case. We'll see if I get any response.  Maybe the only way I will is if he's having no luck in finding a replacement for me though... .

I just try to get on with daily life but suddenly I just feel like I'm trapped in a dark room and I don't know where the door is to get out, I feel a sudden sense of panic over take me... .lost in the  dark kind of feeling. its horrible really. I had a friend to confide in and then he was just gone again and I feel haunted by his memory now.

Thank you again for your reply. I'll try and get some help from my doctor sorted out anyway.

[isilme]

Hi History - you may not need more than a simple ear to talk to more often, a reason to leave the house, and possibly for a short period, something to keep your moods from bottoming out.  I hit a really bad period years back and broke down crying during a simple physical.  The MD immediately put me on a trial of antidepressants, and while I never wanted to be on them, they helped for that period.  I managed to wean myself off them, and overall am doing better.  They were like a cast on a broken arm - there for the duration of it needing to heal. 

You say you are a recluse and use a crutch/cane? Is this due to walking difficulties?  Do you have any physical therapy lined up following the surgery?  If not, is there a way to get any to increase your mobility and get you out of the house?  Do you get regular access to sunlight?  Have any interests (books, movies, crafts, animals)? 

I only ask because I can feel your depression through your posts, and have had painful then numbing depression myself.  Having any reason to regularly go out that you might even enjoy would do wonders for you.  Any kind of treatment might shake some of these feelings and impressions you have about yourself. 

As for your kids - they are adults and don't need to be that involved in mom's dating choices.  They can warn you if someone is not treating you well, but they don't get to make these choices out of their own fears of abandonment and jealousy.  It's not their job to keep mom locked up in a box until they want to take her out to talk to her. 

There's nothing wrong with dating sites or social media, if the interactions make you happy and do not damage you.  I know many people who met online and it worked out - I know others where it's best they no longer talk - it's a bit of a gamble, it's a blind date of sorts, but if you go in eyes wide open, and know it may come to nothing or it may be wonderful, you are likely to at least have some good dinners and see a few movies

If you can spot BPD in the early stages, you can make a determination if you want to proceed or if you need to remove that suitor/friend from the list.  If not, you are better equipped than months back, and have access to tools and us

Keep us posted with how you are doing. 

[HistoryAddict]

Hi isilme,  Thanks for your reply. Yes I think maybe some antidepressants might help for a while. I will  ask my GP. And yes I have walking difficulties due to severe arthritis, my right hip has now been replaced, the pain has gone except for around the scar area, but it is as stiff as before the op. My left knee is supposed to be getting replaced next, dreading another big op though. My left foot is also very bad and I also have it in my spine. My right knee has felt sore too after the op on that hip, and my left hip is already going, they said it was 'borderline' at last X ray so I am not much of a catch!

I see the consultant at hospital on 13th Feb for a progress check up, will probably be referred for physiotherapy then.

I don't get out much or see much sunlight no, I don't even open my living room curtains as my son with social anxiety doesn't like neighbours to be able to see in, not keen on that myself either really. My mobility scooter lost a wheel months ago, never been able to afford to fix it (could have, if I hadn't given so much to exBPDbf... .)

I used to love trips out in my ex husbands car, to seaside, I never learned to drive myself. That's pretty much over now, he still took us even after separating as kids were still growing up, but our youngest won't talk to him anymore since court case.

Yes I do have various interests, I usually like reading and watching movies but find I can't concentrate on things like that at the moment, and we have 2 old cats, they will be 15 this year.  My main thing tho is that I am a member of the British Labour Party, I ought to go to local meetings really but with my disability its not easy to get there, plus I'm so shy and nervous that it's too scary , although that would be a good possible place to meet a like minded man I guess.  Maybe if I ever get feeling more mobile... .

What I liked about using the dating site before was that my exBPDbf pretty much knew all about me by the time he first saw me, with the help of social media too. I'm not a good talker at all, so felt comfortable knowing we'd spent a month chatting on line first. I don't know how people get to know each other by talking, I would just be too tongue tied and nervous! and make a right fool of myself. It's funny you saying I might get some good dinners, the thought that came into my mind was that I'd have to say to the bloke ":)on't you take me anywhere in PUBLIC ... .it's bad enough that YOU can see me, without lots of other folks seeing me too!"  See... there's no hope for me is there?  My exBPDbf doesn't take women out anywhere, can't afford to on British benefits, though he travels to their homes by train. First time I met him he put 'The Killings of Tony Blair' on for me to watch, and 'I Daniel Blake' at his flat.

The kids are at home a lot like me and just wouldn't like a strange man hanging around in their home much, is all I'm thinking. It would make them feel shy and not very relaxed.

I felt my exBPDbf suited me a lot really. I think he'll be hard pressed to find someone who suits him as well as  I did too. Unless he's gonna change personality to fit in with some other woman... .

I certainly won't be rushing into anything, I need to get way fitter, I'm too much of a wreck at the moment and too attached to HIM  still. It's just the whole thing has sadly made me realise I really would like to have a man in my life after all. when I previously thought that I was fine on my own, which crazy person would ever want to share a TV control, after all... .? another good reason for a long distance romance. I just keep hugging the pillow in bed at night and wishing it was him though... .