How are you "improving" yourself after BPD upbringing?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I've been thinking a lot about how my childhood with my uBPD mother and how it has affected me as an adult.  If I may state - I do think that I turned out relatively well considering parts of my upbringing.  However, there are certainly things about myself that I notice are different than other people and I really want to start working on reprogramming some of my thought processes and how I relate to myself and others.  

What are some of the bad patterns that you recognize in yourself that trace back to your childhood with your BPD parent?  Have you had any success in "remedying" these and how did you do it?

Are there any positive attributes that you identify from having such a childhood and work to your advantage?  For example with me - I think a positive attribute that I had to develop throughout childhood was an almost hypervigilence - in the sense that I am very attune to people's feelings and intentions.  One the flip side of this, it is so burdomsome to be constantly analyzing and scanning people it almost becomes a barrier to just connecting with someone without all of my mind chatter. Hypersensitivy can become exhausting and it makes me avoid the effort of interacting/connecting with people.  Another positive, I became a good listener over the years because I was never allowed the opportunity to discuss myself.  This is good because people appreciate a good listener, however, I resent never being listened to myself.

I haven't worked with a therapist.  I really can't afford it. I have read a couple books on here, but they mainly discuss interactions with the BPD. I do want to start identifying methods to start changing my way of dealing with the outside world, and mostly, my own head.  So, I'm just curious as to what others have recognized in themselves, how you deal with it, and what worked/works for you.

[Mariez]

I've been thinking a lot about how my childhood with my uBPD mother and how it has affected me as an adult.  If I may state - I do think that I turned out relatively well considering parts of my upbringing.  However, there are certainly things about myself that I notice are different than other people and I really want to start working on reprogramming some of my thought processes and how I relate to myself and others.  

What are some of the bad patterns that you recognize in yourself that trace back to your childhood with your BPD parent?  Have you had any success in "remedying" these and how did you do it?

Are there any positive attributes that you identify from having such a childhood and work to your advantage?  For example with me - I think a positive attribute that I had to develop throughout childhood was an almost hypervigilence - in the sense that I am very attune to people's feelings and intentions.  One the flip side of this, it is so burdomsome to be constantly analyzing and scanning people it almost becomes a barrier to just connecting with someone without all of my mind chatter. Hypersensitivy can become exhausting and it makes me avoid the effort of interacting/connecting with people.  Another positive, I became a good listener over the years because I was never allowed the opportunity to discuss myself.  This is good because people appreciate a good listener, however, I resent never being listened to myself.

I haven't worked with a therapist.  I really can't afford it. I have read a couple books on here, but they mainly discuss interactions with the BPD. I do want to start identifying methods to start changing my way of dealing with the outside world, and mostly, my own head.  So, I'm just curious as to what others have recognized in themselves, how you deal with it, and what worked/works for you.

[CollectedChaos]

Hi Mariez,

I think the biggest things I've learned through all of this are:

It's okay to have emotions.  If I'm mad about something, or sad, or even happy - those are all okay!  I shouldn't have to feel like my feelings are incorrect or inadequate.  I should feel them and move forward instead of hiding or pretending I'm feeling differently.  I was never able to really express my thoughts/feelings/emotions at home growing up - I was either told I was wrong or totally dismissed.  From that I learned to just pretend I was fine and suppress my feelings.  It's okay to not be fine

On the same hand, everyone else is allowed to have feelings and emotions without me feeling like there's something there to fix or I did something wrong.  People can just be in a bad mood without concrete reasons, and it isn't always due to something I've done or said or whatever.  This is hard for me - I'm so hyperfocused on the emotions of the people around me and always want to "fix" their problems, even if that is totally illogical.  And when I can't fix it, even if I know it makes no sense for me to be able to, I assume it's my fault and shut down.  Drives my H nuts, haha.  I'm getting better about it, but it's taken time and work on my end to be able to take a step back sometimes.  I've learned some mindfulness techniques to calm myself down and refocus on what's going on in the moment and not what I've made assumptions about based on my past.  Kind of like self-soothing, essentially. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Mariez,   

You are asking some excellent questions!  Our board is a wonderful safe place to explore these things, and sometimes when I read the threads, it triggers memories or gives me ideas of a different way to look at things.

You mentioned having read books that are about the borderline. Have you ever read this one?

Surviving a Borderline Parent

This was actually the first book I picked up at a bookstore and thought it might be helpful. Little did I know how helpful it would be. The first time I read it through, I thought perhaps 70 to 80% applied to me. The second read through (and after some T), I was astonished to find that the way I was affected by my uBPDm was far greater than I could have ever imagined. That's not meant to overwhelm you, but it is meant to say that as we discover and evalute one area, it can often open up other areas that are also good to look at. This is a good thing because then we look deeper-but only when we are ready to move on to the next step. I can tell that you are ready to learn even more by the questions you are asking, and that is awesome! Keep up the great work! 

 
Wools

[Turkish]

Not to be flippant,  but with regards to money,  do the opposite of my mother (and her advice).  Get rich quick schemes are just that: schemes.

Additionally: many people need to be rescued; that's not my job.  That attitude got my mother into trouble so many times.  This doesn't mean that people can't be helped,  but one needsb healthy boundaries. 

[CollectedChaos]

This doesn't mean that people can't be helped,  but one needsb healthy boundaries.

This too, for sure.  I don't think I really even understood what a boundary was until about 7-8 years ago and learned about BPD.  The idea was so foreign to me, and felt very selfish (thanks mom).  I've since learned that it isn't selfish at all, but instead ensures a more fulfilling relationship between you and that person in the long run.

[blondie0507]

Are there any positive attributes that you identify from having such a childhood and work to your advantage?  For example with me - I think a positive attribute that I had to develop throughout childhood was an almost hypervigilence - in the sense that I am very attune to people's feelings and intentions.  One the flip side of this, it is so burdomsome to be constantly analyzing and scanning people it almost becomes a barrier to just connecting with someone without all of my mind chatter. Hypersensitivy can become exhausting and it makes me avoid the effort of interacting/connecting with people.  Another positive, I became a good listener over the years because I was never allowed the opportunity to discuss myself.  This is good because people appreciate a good listener, however, I resent never being listened to myself.

I like being hypersensitive -- I really like that I can be intune with what others are feeling before they say anything.  And be able to help as a shoulder or advice giver... .however, with that being said, I only seem to attact friends that carry the drama and always need to talk about their troubles... .(this is just now an eye opener for me... .wow... .)

I am super self-concious though and afraid to "rock the boat" and this is one of my downfalls, especially at work -- I shouldn't be afraid to say how I feel and what I deserve.  I am told all the time to, "grow a back bone" or "put your big girl panties on"... .it's hard to do when you've been raised not to.  You know?

I'm also a people pleaser -- I always, always put others first before myself even if that means denying myself of things that I shouldn't... .money, time, etc.  I'll stress myself out and worry to death over things that I shouldn't even have to.  While I like to help people, I realize now it's ok to say no if I truly can't help.

I have started cognitive behavioral therapy and it's been such a blessing.  There, the counselor helps me to think through things differently -- basically changing my mindset on how I handle life.  I have major anxiety and panic attacks and it has been helping with that a bunch.  My insurance pays for some of the cost (it's a lot cheaper than I thought it would be) and I go every 3-4 weeks. 

[Mariez]

Wow... .great responses.  Sorry, I can't figure out how you guys inquote each other, because I want to respond to each of you about your replies.

Collected Chaos:  What you mentioned about suppressing feelings - this for me all day.  I would suppress them and then without notice they would come flooding out of me.  It is so frustrating and made me feel so unstable.  It is confusing to other people too, since I have a stoic attitude most of the time.  I am trying really hard to get things out in small amounts, as they arise, so that they don't build up and surprise me and everyone else.  It's just so ingrained and sometimes unconscious... .like I don't even know myself! That's where my husband has been helpful.  He knows me better than myself - sometimes he can point out what is going on under the surface before I even have the chance to recognize it.  

Woolspinner - Thank you for the rec!  I just googled it.  I had read Understanding the Boderline Mother.  I have been thinking about re-reading it and maybe I should.  I will definetly pick up Surviving the Boderline Parent.  It is odd how this whole process develops.  Initially I was so angry, but felt so good to also finally feel validated.  Then I wanted to learn ways to better deal with her.  Finally though, I'm at the point that I want to undo some of the damage that negatively affects me from it.  It's just so hard to connect with my own feelings, but I'm noticing that I'm finally learning about myself and I want more.

Turkish - Wow... .same with my mother.  I try to do the EXACT opposite of what she does with her money.  To the point of I can sometimes be too practical and too cheap because when I catch any glimpse of her financial irresponsibility in myself, it scares me to death!

Blondie0507 - I can totally identify with you about rocking the boat and being told to get a backbone at work.  When I left my previous job, the head of the company came into my office to wish me luck.  He said, "Lean to be more assertive and things could really take off for you".  I also agree that being hypersensitive has its upsides.  But it's definetly a double edged sword.  I too attract a lot of dramatic self centered people and it is certainly due to ardent listening - because I really want to help people too!  I have noticed that I am starting to pull back from or avoid these people though - I start to feel like I am expected to give so much emotionally in those situations that it sucks me dry.  And then that reminds me of my mother and the absence of emotional reciprocity.  I called my local university yesterday about possibly making an appointment with their clinic, they use a sliding scale.  I haven't heard back, but I hope I do.

I've been struggling lately, I'm no contact with my mom.  NC wasn't my choice even though it has been somewhat of a relief.  However, it has brought up a lot of past issues for me, feelings of rejection, and the desire to re-focus my attention to the traits that I would like to work on within myself.

[CollectedChaos]

What you mentioned about suppressing feelings - this for me all day.  I would suppress them and then without notice they would come flooding out of me.  It is so frustrating and made me feel so unstable.  It was also confusing to other people too, since I have a stoic attitude most of the time.  I am trying really hard to get things out in small amounts as they arise so that they don't build up and surprise.  It's just so ungrained and sometimes unconscious... .like I don't even know myself sometimes.  That's where my husband has been helpful.  He knows me better than myself that sometimes he can point out what is going on under the surface before I even have the chance to recognize it. 

Yes, I can definitely relate to that!  I often don't even realize I'm holding my feelings back, and my H has also been really helpful in pointing it out to me (he's gotten good at reading me, haha).  It really helps to have someone around who can point that kind of thing out, and I'm so glad to hear you have someone like that too  

I've gotten better at it, but it is still something I really struggle with.  I've found that keeping a journal has helped me with this.  It forces me to sit down on a regular basis and think about what I'm feeling and then write it down.  I start each entry by listing any emotions I'm having - I even have a list of emotion words that I look over if I am having a hard time putting my emotions to words (I have a hard time with this... .I often know I'm feeling "something" but can't express it appropriately).  Then I work on expanding those feelings and writing why I'm feeling that way.  It has really helped me connect myself to my emotions.  It has also helped me catch things like this, where I'm just pretending everything is fine when it actually isn't.