hopeful but tired

[knit4sanity]

I love my husband of 11 years very much.  At first, I thought there was "just" an alcohol problem.  Al-anon taught me lots of wonderful and great information and skills to help myself, but still I couldn't figure out why he would suddenly flip out, why I felt like I was living a different life than him, when he'd say something I'd said or done that I KNEW didn't happen.  I stumbled upon the BPD traits, and it was a nearly 100% yes list of behaviors.  I've been reading lots about BPD and how to improve our interactions.  We are currently in the "cold-shoulder" phase of his behavior about something I have no idea what.  I really want this time to be different.  I've read lots on this website, and want to try to listen without reacting, not blaming, etc.  I just hope it can work better than my previous attempts.
Thanks for listening.  I am so very tired of always feeling like I can do nothing right part of the time, and feeling like I'm married to an amazing man the other part of the time.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[fontinalis]

Welcome knit4sanity! Yes, it is absolutely exhausting. Hang in  there! Please keep us posted on how your new tools affect your relationship with your husband. I wish I would have found this forum before things got so bad with my wife that I had to go to the police. I struggle with feelings of guilt for being so invalidating to her, but don't forget the 3 C's from Al Anon! Best wishes!

[Tattered Heart]

Hi knit4sanity,

Welcome I'm sorry that things have been difficult for you but it sounds like you are ready to start making some changes. Which of the skills that you've read about do you think can help you the most in your situation right now with the cold shoulder?

[knit4sanity]

Tattered Heart, I really want to try the validation and trying to not respond with defending or trying to convince him I never did something. 

[Tattered Heart]

We have several workshops on validation that might help you get started:

Stop Invalidating Others

Validation examples

How to be more Empathetic Towards Our pwBPD

Are there any arguments that come up more frequently than others or a specific scenario that where you believe you don't validate enough? If so, could you share that and we can try to help you find ways to validate better?

[knit4sanity]

Most often, he says that I am ignoring him when he's pushed me away for days, and I get to the point where I say to myself, okay, maybe he just needs time to himself (which he's told me he does).  Also, he asks me if I know how much he loves me... .then the discussion moves to I need to show him I love him.  He doesn't feel loved.  I can see now it's part of a cycle of thoughts he's having, not necessarily about me.  I don't seem to have the right words to validate his thoughts.

[myBPlove]

like you, im tired of the routine and decided to have the NC rule applied. if she really ignored you for a while (15 days), does that mean she is towards healing? that she is learning to manage her emotions?if that is the case, what could be my best approach about this. thank you.

[Tattered Heart]

Most often, he says that I am ignoring him when he's pushed me away for days, and I get to the point where I say to myself, okay, maybe he just needs time to himself (which he's told me he does).  Also, he asks me if I know how much he loves me... .then the discussion moves to I need to show him I love him.  He doesn't feel loved.  I can see now it's part of a cycle of thoughts he's having, not necessarily about me.  I don't seem to have the right words to validate his thoughts.

My H has said this to me in the past. I used to respond with trying to reassure him that I love him, pointing out examples of how I love him, saying it repeatedly, etc. Now when he says these things my response, using validation is:

"I do know how much you love me and I'm sorry that you are feeling unloved. I feel really sad when I feel that way. I want to make sure that you know how much I love you too. What does showing you love look like to you?" And then I really listen to what he has to say.

I always end by thanking him for sharing.

Do you think he would respond differently if he felt like he was really being heard?