Feeling hopeless

[tired-mom]

I have a 19 year old daughter who has been struggling with mental illness since she was 16.  She never completed high school and cannot hold down a job.  I finally got her a psychiatrist who prescribed her medication for depression and OCD.  I transferred her from school to school hoping it would help.  She did go to a physiologist for a while but would not on a regular basis.  She has had several bad relationships, gotten in a car accident, talks about suicide often, cuts herself.  She moved in with her boy friend about 6 months ago.  He is 21 with no education and believed she was going to work and contribute.  He has become abusive. I believe he has his own mental health issues being raised by a physically abusive father.  My daughter says she wants to leave and I have tried to support her but she cannot make it.  She has gone mental health and physical health have gone down hill.  She is down to 100 lbs.  He controls her emotional breakdowns by getting her to drugs, which he sells.  He threatens her and our family verbally.  She lost control of her emotions which she does often, however this time she was in a vehicle.  Some gave her the finger she chased them down to a service station and got out of the car with an axe(her boyfriend carries around for protection). they video taped her and she was arrested.  I am just so tired. Not sure what to do.  I told her to call the police and get out.  She says he refuses to let her go but I suggest leaving when he is at work.  I want it to be her choice when she does or she will just return. I have been at there apartment trying to help her leave and he is verbally abusive.  I am not sure she has the strength to leave.  This emotional melt down threatening others is an escalation.  I believe she likes to create drama but it is hard to distinguish real threats and the unregulated emotions.  I always say it cant get any worse but it does.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

  welcome tired-mom

            I am so very sorry that you going through all this with your child. Just reading your story I can understand why you are tired-mom!   I'm happy you found this place, it is the right place to be for those of us who have BPD children, no matter what age they are. Trust me there are plenty of us here, we know, we understand and support each other. 
      I am in no way trivializing or minimizing your story, just sharing with you that for most of us our stories are filled with the same kind of overwhelming life traumas.  Those are struggles that bring us together. It only takes one story, one explanation for us to say, we get it, we understand, HOW CAN WE HELP SUPPORT YOU?
     You are right about many things with your child, she must make the decision to leave or she will go back. I can't tell how many abusive relationships my D has gone through while stood helplessly by, and the drugs. I too use to believe my D liked the drama, I have since changed my mind. I have realized that she created the drama out of unregulated emotions and fear. Because she didn't know any other way. And yes while we stand watching our kids self destruct we think "it can't get any worse but it does"
    There is always hope tired-mom, hang on to that thought. Sometimes, hard as it may be we need to step back, breath and protect ourselves, re-strengthen ourselves. You will find you can do that here.   Please keep checking in and let us know how you are. Support to you today

[Merlot]

hi tired-mom

Along with bluek9, I welcome you here to the bpdfamily

This sounds absolutely exhausting for you and I'm so glad you're here with us for support

Firstly, you say your daughter has been struggling with mental illness since she was 16.  Was she formally diagnosed, at what happened at 16?

I can say though, that so much of what you mention feels like a script out of my own life.  While my DD27, was incredibly difficult as a child, it really felt like hell had no fury when she was about 15.  Like you, I moved her from school to school, cutting, abusive, drinking excessively and becoming sexually promiscuous.  Despite counselling, she was never diagnosed until about three years ago.

He has become abusive. I believe he has his own mental health issues being raised by a physically abusive father.  My daughter says she wants to leave and I have tried to support her but she cannot make it.  She has gone mental health and physical health have gone down hill.  She is down to 100 lbs.  He controls her emotional breakdowns by getting her to drugs, which he sells.  He threatens her and our family verbally.  She lost control of her emotions which she does often, however this time she was in a vehicle.  Some gave her the finger she chased them down to a service station and got out of the car with an axe(her boyfriend carries around for protection). they video taped her and she was arrested.

This must be so difficult to stand by and watch your daughter succumb to this type of abuse.  Through this forum, and through therapy, I am learning that BPD may be in the paternal family line for my DD.  So like your daughter, I can relate to being trapped in an abusive relationship with her father before I left.  At the time you need all your strength to leave it, is the time all your strength has been sapped.  Your daughter, still so young, will hopefully work this our and step away when she has had enough, and she will need all of your love and support, which I can see you have in droves.

If you have been reading information on the board, you will learn that we cannot rescue/change our BPD children, only change ourselves and our reaction to their choices.  I have also learned that the best way to impart advice, is in the moments when crisis has passed and they come to you seeking help; it's about helping them help themselves, guiding them without telling them.

I hope you have some good support, we are here with you anytime you need to talk.  hugs to you  

Merlot

[wendydarling]

Hi tired-mom

I join bluek9 and Merlot welcoming you to the family.  

I'm so sorry your young daughter is in such a difficult situation, her mental and physical health is declining must be excruciating for you to watch.  She's in an abusive, coercive relationship and I agree it be her decision to leave.  And it is scary for her.  The good thing is she talks to you, she trusts you tired-mom. Have you considered suggesting she speak with a local domestic violence agency? They are there to help support and advise in situations like this and can help her put in place a safety plan. Talking to someone experienced and impartial may provide her some confidence, she can start to help herself. Just her knowing they are there for her, and you are too when she is ready to reach out can help.

We're here for you tired-mom all the way, things can change, with small, gentle and loving steps and our understanding of BPD we can do our best as Merlot says to guide, them off the rollercoaster to a safer place.

WDx