Help please. I’m a recovering BPD in need of advice to support my non BPD gf

[Gettingbetter310]

Hi guys,

So in a nutshell I’m a high functioning BPD in recovery. Just a little bit of further background on me... .I’m halfway through to becoming a marriage and family therapist, I’ve been in my own personal therapy for 15 years now and have engaged in every therapeutic approach possible. I’ve found that trauma work surrounding my abandonment and receiving extreme bouts of verbal abuse from my mom/invalidation has been exponentially helpful.

There is a fine line between working on trauma and identifying that I was a victim versus staying in a victim mentality and sadly having ignorant therapists enable me through validation because they’ve been taught (as I’ve learned in school) to provide an emotionally corrective experience meaning whatever my parent or the person who hurt me didn’t give me, for them to give that to me and it will heal those wounds. I do not find that to be true for longer than maybe 1 year. Why? Because then I’m just being treated like a child instead of being taught how to function like a predominantly adult non-BPD World. I think validation is vital in the beginning stages of therapy especially for a BPD Bc it gives you hope and comfort that you are loveable and understood and the capacity is there for others to extend that to you. HOWEVER, therapists stay in this frame of thought for years and years which end up hurting the BPD patient and doesn’t allow for them to truly GROW and validate themselves or be independent instead they’ve found another therapeutic figure to substitute for the parent they never had instead of learning to be that parent to themselves as a true adult would be. I keep mentioning the word adult because I’ve realized I have a dysregulated child within me. All of the borderline qualities are that of an underdeveloped child and it saddens me that most therapists urge partners to overly validate and almost enable their BPD partners instead of empathizing in the right dose without enabling and then laying firm boundaries to help the BPD grow into a mature adult instead of keeping them at a child state then wondering why they appear better through Dbt and skill building but something still seems off at the core? Anyway that is my rant. But guys onto my own current issue that I really need some major help with from some nons who can offer that more grey area balanced perspective PLEASE.

So I met the woman I want to marry and have a family with, no doubt or questions about it. We met 2 years ago before I started my recovery process and as I was beginning my masters program in psychology/marriage and family therapy. When we began dating, there were a lot of triggers for perceived abandonment going on and I was dysregulating all over the place, fits of yelling, angry words that I didn’t mean and she is the type of person who holds me at a very high standard

A. Because she knows what type of love she has to offer and

B. Because she knows what she deserves.

C. Ultimately her definition of love is having somebody who gives her emotional safety and protects her emotionally through being extremely gentle, being an adult even if she has moments that might not be adult as any signs of being a little kid make her feel unsafe, and she needs to feel safe before she can feel solid toward her partner and make a decision to want to be with them or not.

This is how she operates. I used to try to change her and blame her for operating this way but noticed that it only resulted in my distracting from my own improvement and would only add friction and resistant to her willingness to work as a team because her idea of teamwork starts with the other person showing safety first and please guys don’t try to get me to change her mind on this instead help me out with suggestions as to what I can do to improve our bond and make her feel safe enough to want to commit and work as a team.

Also, very important to note:
I had an emotional affair on her- I’ve never cheated on anyone in my entire 8 relationships worth history but with this one the dysregulating got so bad and she would not enable my need for consistent validation Bc she felt like she wanted to be with an adult and rightfully so that I at the time felt like I had no other choice but to either leave which I felt like I didn’t want to leave her or to find a way to not put so much emotional demand on her so my faulty logic allowed me to have an emotional affair through phone calls only when I felt the fear of abandonment kick in super hard with my girlfriend and then I would cycle and feel so upset with myself about it but I felt like when I wasn’t having the affair I wasn’t adult or strong enough to deal with the vulnerability.

I also had a lot of enablers around me, people I thought were friends who later proved to just show they were selfish and jealous and who were against my relationship the entire time. I had also been talking to an angel healer psychic who swore that my gf was a narcissist and sociopath and kept telling me to stay away and even justified my emotional affair and me being a child desperate for a role model at the time believed her. Got back with an ex who I didn’t want to be with just used as a distraction to stay away from my true love Bc I was so split and torn and I had zero desire for my ex and couldn’t bare even being intimate or doing anything with her that I left the relationship and prayed to God on my knees for clarity and help and nothing but love and happiness for the love of my life. I found my way back to her and begged her for a final chance. I came clean about everything, the details of the emotional affair, my reasons even though she didn’t believe me and thought I wanted my cake and eat it too but the truth was I didn’t feel I had the capability to balance on my own at that time- I asked for forgiveness and she needs a lot of time and consistency in order to forgive me to even see if she wants to give it a final shot...

So to get current now... .This is the woman I want to marry. We have spent the past month together with me being consistent with my higher power which has helped a lot, therapy, and meditation as well as more psychoeducation.

She is concerned that even if I show improvement that I might split her again or cheat which I assured her would never happen because I’m not a cheater by nature and I’ve learned healthy coping skills and understand her love language now plus I’ve cut all of the enablers and bad friends as well as blocked the psychic but even more importantly I am growing out of childishness and into adulthood.

I just feel bad Bc I still feel like I’m behind like she deserves someone more adult than me and doesn’t want to wait Bc she said she waited for two years and I didn’t do the work and only now I’m serious about it. I want to know does anyone have any suggestions or skills for me please? I need some nons to help me understand what I can do to make her feel as safe as possible aside from continue to work on myself which I’m putting full effort into... .

She is very hurt about the emotional affair and rightfully so... .I don’t know how else to convince her it would never happen again, and every time I distort or respond defensively like a kid it sets us back. She becomes scared that I will take too long to grow up and she doesn’t want to feel like she’s with a child who cant reciprocate any adult love. I need a role model or someone to show me how to be an adult in relationships... please any suggestions would be very appreciated

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Congratulations on all the hard work you have done and for your upcoming degree in T.  It takes a great deal of courage to seek help! I think it's wonderful that you want to help you wife recover from the hurt of the emotional affair and her concerns over future of your relationship. This site is for family members and relationship partners of BPD sufferers. This is where we learn to support our loved ones, and where we learn to take care of ourselves. Do you think she would be open to creating an account here so that she can find the support she needs?

Because of our focus on the family members of those with BPD, we do not have the resources to help individuals with BPD, but I encourage you to check out Resources for BPD Sufferers.  You will find links to more appropriate forums, where you will find others like yourself who were brave enough to have taken positive steps towards healing.

I wish you all the best in your healing process.

[Skip]

Do you think she would be open to creating an account here so that she can find the support she needs?

Because of our focus on the family members of those with BPD, we do not have the resources to help individuals with BPD, but I encourage you to check out Resources for BPD Sufferers. 

I also think would be a great idea. She can work with us and you can work with your support team - that's a win for everyone. We really want to help you two.

A quick response to your post above... .and taking BPD out of the scenraio... .when we cheat on someone and that creates a betrayal wound. These are deep and serious.

To heal this and recover requires both parties to want to do that and to be very responsible in each of their roles. One party can not fix this. The cheater has to rebuild the trust and that takes time - a lot of time.  The betrayed party needs to  both express and feel their wound, and at the same time, not undermine the "cheater" efforts to put the relationship back together. There needs to be grace on both sides.

There are lots of books written about this. Whether one party has a PD or not, the process is the same.

Trust is not restored by saying we will do better, lets wipe the slate clean, new start. The "cheater" wants this break (understandably), because they want to move past it all. The "betrayed" is not at all able to put this in the past - they live with this slow healing wound every day.

How does one help heal this wound. Usually a significant lifestyle change with 100% transparency, patience (not pressing the other person about "are you trusting me know" - just listen and accept the slow progress), and commitment. Things like open access to phones, computers, phone bills, credit card bills. Making your whereabouts know by keeping in touch, phones trackers, etc. Changing the environmental things that facilitated or didn't discourage the cheating - and adopting new and creating an environment that would discourage cheating (like a faith group with accountability partners).

Add BPD into the above model, where impulsiveness and diminished executive control is part of this order - and there is a challenge to to the person to get above this in life in general.

That is a broad brush approach. I take from your writing that you are a bit impatient and want forgiveness. Asking for that will work against you. A better message is, let me show you and you take as long as your need to decide if I have earned your trust back.

I give this same advice to all members recovering infidelity - nothing her is personal or even BPD specific.