My spouse and I have recently become aware that his child, who lives with us, may struggle with something more than regular teenage angst/issues/behaviors.
Regrettably, when the issues came to light, we reacted as though we were dealing only with a teenager's poor choices, myopic view of the world and the unintended consequences. As we've walked this mine filed, we've begun therapy, we've felt as though we were losing our minds, and have felt responsible for our massive failures as parents. Recently we've come to realize that we may be dealing with something bigger than "normal" teenage issues and acting out. On my part, it is taking a great deal of personal reflection and I am fighting a difficult battle not to internalize what has happened and is happening.
Our DD (my DSD) has a very toxic mother who also struggles with a serious mental disorder (possibly NPD and/or BPD). I've heard from my spouse and have witnessed things so far from "normal" that I have questioned my sanity more than once since marrying him. I do understand that what I've witnessed and what he's experienced is caused by a serious mental disorder that I am not qualified to DX other than it is highly irregular and has caused me great stress throughout the years of our marriage.
My DH has done an excellent job insulating me from her behavior through the years. I appreciate that. Sadly, her issues cause her to wage her war with the children who all suffer from their own issues, especially failure to launch and their of severing ties with their toxic mom.
A few years ago, my husband's daughter was sent to live with us after some blow out at her mom's. Once the shock and awe wore off, she made friends, did well in school, and seemingly was thriving. She reversed her visitation and did have contact with her now non-custodial mother. We continued along that vein in the years since. There were things, which I will list below, that caught my eye as being a bit off, but not until recently, I didn't realize they might be an indicator that something more serious than the regular teenage stuff. Last year we began a struggle of epic proportions. We found that we were being lied to and that our child was not the person she had convinced us that she was (I understand her definitions of good and bad are yet fully developed due to age and due to the illness). Since discovering what a different life she was living, it has been a battlefield. My husband and I have dealt with this in different ways; I internalize it as being my fault (ha, doesn't everyone?) and he sees it as behavior much like her mom's and deals with it similarly and takes it personally.
Due to the fact that I struggled so with the devolution of our familial peace, my husband and I began attending family counseling, doesn't everyone when dealing with a (possible) cluster B, as it's always our fault rather than theirs.
I look back on the seemingly endless conversations, bouts of acting out, and coping behaviors throughout the years and most recently, I think, as does my husband, that we're dealing with something quite serious.
Behaviors we've witnessed throughout the years:
*not being able to keep friends, going through friends, nearly wearing them out and later vilifying them
*a complete inability to spend time alone in the home, she hates it
*painting dad black (he's a good guy, very good) while being completely fine with mom's abusive behavior
*stating how very good she is and that she is NOT like other teens and their behavior, but has acted out with risky sexual behavior
*criticism, constructive or otherwise, sends her into a tailspin and causes a very negative, verbally combative response
*a long history of words and behavior not aligning
*expectation of being handled with kid gloves though everyone else is open season for her feelings
*cannot cope with feeling uncomfortable in a range of situations
*extremely critical of self, sets high standards and then becomes frustrated when failing to meet the standards
Along with those behaviors, we've learned that D(S)D has extremely low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. We've dealt with the medical community to help with it all and nothing has really helped. It was at that point that we began to realize that this may just be more than depression and anxiety. Her coping skills are completely out of whack as compared to most teens (unfortunately, comparisons were drawn and verbalized and I hate that it was done).
We are just two loving parents just trying to make sense of it all without making things any worse than we did upon the revelation of the risky sexual behavior and the lying that was needed to support it.
As a first time poster new to this community, I apologize in advance for anything that I may have said or suggested that was out of line. I am a long time message board user (on other less serious topics) and know there are all sorts of rules and I hope to learn them as I go along.
I appreciate any advice, anecdotal or otherwise, that may have my spouse and I navigate this minefield with his daughter. I know I can't fix it and I know we didn't cause it. Unfortunately, we may have alienated her when we thought this was the "regular teen stuff" and not something more serious and I hate that!
Tips, advice, encouragement, doses of reality, and virtual hugs will all be gratefully received!
