How to handle being replaced so quickly

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello there,

Sorry for bothering you again but this forum is helping me so much and kind of feels like a diary. It's very comforting to know that I'm not alone in this and that his behaviour can be explained by something. Although it doesn't really make the hurting or the confusion less, unfortunately.

So my ex can't be alone. The longest he's ever not dated anyone since he was 16 is 2 weeks, but most of the time it's a much shorter period than that. Even when he broke up with his girlfriend of 3 years, who he often spoke to me about as if she was the love of his life and he wasn't over her (this was always pretty hurtful, because I felt like a replacement and never good enough, even though it was 2 years since they broke up when we started dating and he had had a 1 year relationship between her and me) he started dating new girls pretty much right away. In the periods we weren't together in the last two months (we tried getting back together two times in these months as well, but both times he got bored with me after a week or so and broke it off again) he has also had several dates.

Now that we are again separated since 9 days, I just know that he is already seeing other girls. This hurts so bad and I really don't know how to cope with it. The idea that he's already spending his evenings with others, laughing with them, making memories wit them, sharing his bed with them... .It's just too difficult and it makes me feel so empty and lost and like I was nothing to him.

I'm also scared that he won't contact me again this time. That this time he has left me for good and won't want to reconcile. This realisation just seems to big for me to handle, it makes me want to roll up in a ball, lie in bed all day and cry and do nothing else. I think that now that it didn't work out twice when he wanted to try again (first week was amazing both times, like everything was fine again, then after this first week he started distancing himself from me, not messaging me and always making other plans so he didn't have to see me and then both times the inevitable conversation came in which he said that it didn't work) he won't want to try another time.

Maybe I shouldn't even want him back, because these last two months have been hell. Always trying to be good enough for him, trying him to convince him to stay with me, always treading on my toes trying not to anger or annoy him. Realizing that I just could never be good enough for him. That he didn't respect or love me in that way anymore. This has drained me of all life energy. It's just that I don't know how to go on without him. I need him in my life.

I really hoped he would contact me yesterday or today since yesterday I celebrated my birthday (my birthday was in october but I could only celebrate it now) and I hoped he would ask how it had been. Yesterday was a hard day, since he wasn't there. I miss him so much. Also he knows in what state I am and that I'm not doing well at all and I just hoped that he would worry and ask me how I was doing.

[blooming]

Hello there,

Sorry for bothering you again but this forum is helping me so much and kind of feels like a diary. It's very comforting to know that I'm not alone in this and that his behaviour can be explained by something. Although it doesn't really make the hurting or the confusion less, unfortunately.

So my ex can't be alone. The longest he's ever not dated anyone since he was 16 is 2 weeks, but most of the time it's a much shorter period than that. Even when he broke up with his girlfriend of 3 years, who he often spoke to me about as if she was the love of his life and he wasn't over her (this was always pretty hurtful, because I felt like a replacement and never good enough, even though it was 2 years since they broke up when we started dating and he had had a 1 year relationship between her and me) he started dating new girls pretty much right away. In the periods we weren't together in the last two months (we tried getting back together two times in these months as well, but both times he got bored with me after a week or so and broke it off again) he has also had several dates.

Now that we are again separated since 9 days, I just know that he is already seeing other girls. This hurts so bad and I really don't know how to cope with it. The idea that he's already spending his evenings with others, laughing with them, making memories wit them, sharing his bed with them... .It's just too difficult and it makes me feel so empty and lost and like I was nothing to him.

I'm also scared that he won't contact me again this time. That this time he has left me for good and won't want to reconcile. This realisation just seems to big for me to handle, it makes me want to roll up in a ball, lie in bed all day and cry and do nothing else. I think that now that it didn't work out twice when he wanted to try again (first week was amazing both times, like everything was fine again, then after this first week he started distancing himself from me, not messaging me and always making other plans so he didn't have to see me and then both times the inevitable conversation came in which he said that it didn't work) he won't want to try another time.

Maybe I shouldn't even want him back, because these last two months have been hell. Always trying to be good enough for him, trying him to convince him to stay with me, always treading on my toes trying not to anger or annoy him. Realizing that I just could never be good enough for him. That he didn't respect or love me in that way anymore. This has drained me of all life energy. It's just that I don't know how to go on without him. I need him in my life.

I really hoped he would contact me yesterday or today since yesterday I celebrated my birthday (my birthday was in october but I could only celebrate it now) and I hoped he would ask how it had been. Yesterday was a hard day, since he wasn't there. I miss him so much. Also he knows in what state I am and that I'm not doing well at all and I just hoped that he would worry and ask me how I was doing.

[araneina]

I'm over 2 months out from learning I was replaced (by seeing a shiny new profile picture of him and my replacement about 2 weeks after we broke up).  It sucks.  I AGONIZED over it for weeks.  I spoke with him about it (mistake, he was mean and it was ALL about him).

During my time dating my ex I wrote an entry in my diary.  I'm writing down a part of it, verbatim, for you:

"My brain says to leave him, my heart won't let me let him go.  I feel as though he is an emotional black hole, sucking all of the joy and life out of me.  Every day I seem to become more miserable while he seems to get happier and happier as his end date in [city we lived in] approaches."

WHHHYYYY does anyone want to feel that way?  You say "the last two months have been hell."  Keep reading that.  Whenever I feel as though I want my ex back I go back and read that journal entry of mine and tell myself - "This was not a happy relationship.  You do not want to feel this way again."

I really suggest therapy.  I can't tell you how much being able to talk to someone about this has helped.  I've never told my therapist I suspect my ex was BPD, but she is definitely aware that he had issues.  

Bottom line: the focus now should be on you, not on him.  I know it will be hard.  I still think of my ex every day, but the pain is slowly receding.  I'm slowing becoming more and more aware that I was not happy in that relationship, and I never would have been.  If your ex is truly BPD than it's most likely he is incapable of being concerned about your well being.  They are all about themselves.  When my ex contacted me after we broke up I had to listen to him talk about his problems for over 20 minutes.  Nothing we spoke about was about me or my feelings.

We can't fix our exes... .but we can definitely work on ourselves.

Let me ask you - what do you think you stand to gain if your ex contacted you?

[blooming]

I'm over 2 months out from learning I was replaced (by seeing a shiny new profile picture of him and my replacement about 2 weeks after we broke up).  It sucks.  I AGONIZED over it for weeks.  I spoke with him about it (mistake, he was mean and it was ALL about him).

During my time dating my ex I wrote an entry in my diary.  I'm writing down a part of it, verbatim, for you:

"My brain says to leave him, my heart won't let me let him go.  I feel as though he is an emotional black hole, sucking all of the joy and life out of me.  Every day I seem to become more miserable while he seems to get happier and happier as his end date in [city we lived in] approaches."

WHHHYYYY does anyone want to feel that way?  You say "the last two months have been hell."  Keep reading that.  Whenever I feel as though I want my ex back I go back and read that journal entry of mine and tell myself - "This was not a happy relationship.  You do not want to feel this way again."

I really suggest therapy.  I can't tell you how much being able to talk to someone about this has helped.  I've never told my therapist I suspect my ex was BPD, but she is definitely aware that he had issues.  

Bottom line: the focus now should be on you, not on him.  I know it will be hard.  I still think of my ex every day, but the pain is slowly receding.  I'm slowing becoming more and more aware that I was not happy in that relationship, and I never would have been.  If your ex is truly BPD than it's most likely he is incapable of being concerned about your well being.  They are all about themselves.  When my ex contacted me after we broke up I had to listen to him talk about his problems for over 20 minutes.  Nothing we spoke about was about me or my feelings.

We can't fix our exes... .but we can definitely work on ourselves.

Let me ask you - what do you think you stand to gain if your ex contacted you?

Hi Araneina!

Thank you for your reply! Your diary entry really resonates with me. Your brain and heart wanting different things is especially what I'm experiencing right now as well. I know it would be best for me to let him go, because in the state he is in now he could never make me happy. The man I knew before and with whom I had a happy relationship for a year is nowhere to be found. Something snapped in him and now it seems like his respect for me is gone.

And indeed, the last two months have been hell, but they were also a hell with him in it, which made it a bit better. Now I'm living in a hell without him, missing him every moment and thinking about with which girl he's now spending his time, which is even worse.

I have therapy! I went back to the same therapist I was with when I was mentally ill myself (eating disorder). First to work on my low self esteem (which is even lower because of him), but now it's mostly to talk about my ex and how I feel about our relationship and how I don't really know how to go in without him. How much he hurt me and how empty I feel from putting all of my energy in him and getting nothing in return and how my life doesn't seem worthwhile now.

I agree, he will only contact me if he wants to contact me because there's something he wants from me (probably sex, this has happened before, I refused, he got very angry and said very hurtful things, he knows so well how to hurt me the most with his words), not because he is worried about me or wants to know how I'm doing.

[araneina]

Hi Araneina!

Thank you for your reply! Your diary entry really resonates with me. Your brain and heart wanting different things is especially what I'm experiencing right now as well. I know it would be best for me to let him go, because in the state he is in now he could never make me happy. The man I knew before and with whom I had a happy relationship for a year is nowhere to be found. Something snapped in him and now it seems like his respect for me is gone.

And indeed, the last two months have been hell, but they were also a hell with him in it, which made it a bit better. Now I'm living in a hell without him, missing him every moment and thinking about with which girl he's now spending his time, which is even worse.

I have therapy! I went back to the same therapist I was with when I was mentally ill myself (eating disorder). First to work on my low self esteem (which is even lower because of him), but now it's mostly to talk about my ex and how I feel about our relationship and how I don't really know how to go in without him. How much he hurt me and how empty I feel from putting all of my energy in him and getting nothing in return and how my life doesn't seem worthwhile now.

I agree, he will only contact me if he wants to contact me because there's something he wants from me (probably sex, this has happened before, I refused, he got very angry and said very hurtful things, he knows so well how to hurt me the most with his words), not because he is worried about me or wants to know how I'm doing.

"[... .] hell with him in it, which made it a bit better."  But isn't he the CAUSE of your hell?

Trust me, I understand your struggle.  I still think daily of how much I'd love to talk to him, to hear him laugh... .I keep thinking "Oh maybe in a year or so I'll contact him and say hi."  But why?  What can I stand to gain?

Two months ago... .I was a mess.  I cried daily, I couldn't sleep, it felt like there was a searing hot poker in my chest.  Today... yes, I still hurt, and I occasionally still cry, but the pain is duller.  I'm not dating yet but I'm beginning to look forward to meeting new men and forging new relationships with people.  I've been working on rekindling relationships with my mother, brother, friends... .all people I neglected while with my ex, because he was the sole, singular focus of my life while we dated.  I bet the dynamic was similar for you.

There's no magic bullet.  There's nothing that's going to immediately remove your pain.  I wish there was.

What was your life like before your ex?

[JNChell]

Hi. I hope I’m not butting in here, but on your last post araneina you asked “What was your life like before your ex?” I’ve been thinking about this a lot. It’s become obvious to me that I literally gave up all of my interests, they were lost while chasing something that was never going to last. It’s so sad and disheartening to see all of the pain and sadness on this site. I’m sorry for everyone here. At the same time I feel selfish at times. With the amount of pain I feel, sometimes I find it hard to see anyone’s despair but my own. Eventually I’ll feel guilty about it and snap out of it. I’m preaching to the choir here, but this is all just so hard. I also want to take the time to validate the constant battle between the heart and mind. I want to reach out to her this very minute, but I know it’s best that I turn here. I’m sorry if my posting on this thread was an interruption. Like all of you, it’s nice to have a safe place to go on this site. Hopefully in the near future we’ll all feel a little better about things.

[blooming]

"[... .] hell with him in it, which made it a bit better."  But isn't he the CAUSE of your hell?

Trust me, I understand your struggle.  I still think daily of how much I'd love to talk to him, to hear him laugh... .I keep thinking "Oh maybe in a year or so I'll contact him and say hi."  But why?  What can I stand to gain?

Two months ago... .I was a mess.  I cried daily, I couldn't sleep, it felt like there was a searing hot poker in my chest.  Today... yes, I still hurt, and I occasionally still cry, but the pain is duller.  I'm not dating yet but I'm beginning to look forward to meeting new men and forging new relationships with people.  I've been working on rekindling relationships with my mother, brother, friends... .all people I neglected while with my ex, because he was the sole, singular focus of my life while we dated.  I bet the dynamic was similar for you.

There's no magic bullet.  There's nothing that's going to immediately remove your pain.  I wish there was.

What was your life like before your ex?

You are so right, I just hate that I can't see it. All I think about is how he still hasn't contacted me and how I think I lost him forever now and how much that hurts me. I think about how I shouldn't have told him how much I was suffering under all the confusion and uncertainty of the last months, because he said "I wish you told me that, I would have never tried again then, because there was a big chance it wouldn't work out and if I knew how bad you were feeling I wouldn't want to have you go through that" or something like that, I don't remember exactly. I think because he said that, he will not contact me again. Or at least his sane side won't (he was in a very sane and reasonable mood when we had our 3rd break up conversation). I just can't handle the thought of having lost him for good.

I didn't really neglect the other people in my life while I was with my ex, although I did neglect some hobbies. My ex had a very strong opinion about where and with whom I spent my time with so that did influence me. It stopped me from doing things sometimes, but mostly I still did the things but not whole heartedly because I always heard his voice inside my head.

It's just that he was my first boyfriend and before that I was mentally ill myself for a long time so I came from a very rough period and he really made me enjoy life again and feel wanted and loved and pretty for the first time in my life. I'm just scared I'll never experience that again.

[Jeffree]

Blooming,

This is the problem, right? They make us feel so good in the beginning. Everything seems so perfect, meant to be, just designed for the two of us, destined.

Then just as quickly as it started it blows up, and how good it made us feel at first now makes us feel just as bad.

So we figure they're doing for someone else what they did for us in the beginning, only we add to our hurt by thinking this time our replacement is going to make it work with our ex. All the love and special things our ex promised to us, if we only did what they wanted perfectly all the time, are now being given to our replacement.

Give yourself credit, you were awesome and gave your all and it still wasn't enough. Thus, it will eventually not be enough for your ex in his new venture(s).  You can count on that!

I had the good fortune of wishing my STBx would find someone to leave me for when things were still somewhat tolerable because I was beginning to resent the hell out of her. I just wanted her to go and leave me alone.

So the thought that she would replace me would only come as a relief that someone else would be so stupid as to be tricked by her just like I was.

Cheer up and buy some popcorn for the dark comedy that will be your exes' future.

J

[Skip]

Happy belated birthday, dear one. 

[once removed]

Sorry for bothering you again but this forum is helping me so much and kind of feels like a diary. It's very comforting to know that I'm not alone in this and that his behaviour can be explained by something.

this is a support group. lean on us you dont have to do this alone.

I really hoped he would contact me yesterday or today since yesterday I celebrated my birthday (my birthday was in october but I could only celebrate it now) and I hoped he would ask how it had been. Yesterday was a hard day, since he wasn't there. I miss him so much. Also he knows in what state I am and that I'm not doing well at all and I just hoped that he would worry and ask me how I was doing.

thats a bummer, im sorry to hear you had/are having a hard time. do you also have friends and family you can lean on at this time?

[blooming]

Blooming,

This is the problem, right? They make us feel so good in the beginning. Everything seems so perfect, meant to be, just designed for the two of us, destined.

Then just as quickly as it started it blows up, and how good it made us feel at first now makes us feel just as bad.

So we figure they're doing for someone else what they did for us in the beginning, only we add to our hurt by thinking this time our replacement is going to make it work with our ex. All the love and special things our ex promised to us, if we only did what they wanted perfectly all the time, are now being given to our replacement.

Give yourself credit, you were awesome and gave your all and it still wasn't enough. Thus, it will eventually not be enough for your ex in his new venture(s).  You can count on that!

I had the good fortune of wishing my STBx would find someone to leave me for when things were still somewhat tolerable because I was beginning to resent the hell out of her. I just wanted her to go and leave me alone.

So the thought that she would replace me would only come as a relief that someone else would be so stupid as to be tricked by her just like I was.

Cheer up and buy some popcorn for the dark comedy that will be your exes' future.

J

Wow this post helped a lot Jeffree, thank you very much. 

So we figure they're doing for someone else what they did for us in the beginning, only we add to our hurt by thinking this time our replacement is going to make it work with our ex. All the love and special things our ex promised to us, if we only did what they wanted perfectly all the time, are now being given to our replacement.

That's exactly the feeling I'm having! And also that I feel like a failure because my relationship with my ex only lasted a year and he has been with one of his exes (on/off of course) for three years, so why couldn't we be together that long? What's wrong with me that he doesn't really commit to trying again but gives up again after a few weeks?

And I guess it still hurts that someone is experiencing with my ex now what I experienced with him in the beginning and what I would give the world for to experience again. Me and my ex are both quite into running so we still follow eachother on a running app called Strava. I saw today that he started his run in a strange street, so that must be where my replacement lives. So apparently he's already staying over and has his running stuff there. After only 10 days... .Hurts pretty bad.

[blooming]

thats a bummer, im sorry to hear you had/are having a hard time. do you also have friends and family you can lean on at this time?

I do have lovely friends and family, I have also started living at my parents house again because everything in my own students room reminded me of my ex and I just couldn't be happy there anymore. I do notice that my friends and family are starting to get a bit hopeless. They don't understand why I can't be mad at him, why I would still probably take him back if he'd have me, even though I know he'll probably hurt me again. They're frustrated that I can't let him go.

[araneina]

Wow this post helped a lot Jeffree, thank you very much. 

That's exactly the feeling I'm having! And also that I feel like a failure because my relationship with my ex only lasted a year and he has been with one of his exes (on/off of course) for three years, so why couldn't we be together that long? What's wrong with me that he doesn't really commit to trying again but gives up again after a few weeks?

And I guess it still hurts that someone is experiencing with my ex now what I experienced with him in the beginning and what I would give the world for to experience again. Me and my ex are both quite into running so we still follow eachother on a running app called Strava. I saw today that he started his run in a strange street, so that must be where my replacement lives. So apparently he's already staying over and has his running stuff there. After only 10 days... .Hurts pretty bad.

Not to be harsh but you're not doing yourself ANY favors following him on that app.  I'd unfollow him immediately.  I kept lurking on my ex's FB and seeing his smiling face right next to hers just made me sick.  Finally I blocked him (and her) so I didn't have that temptation anymore.  If you want to heal and recover, you need to essentially delete him from your life.

[blooming]

Not to be harsh but you're not doing yourself ANY favors following him on that app.  I'd unfollow him immediately.  I kept lurking on my ex's FB and seeing his smiling face right next to hers just made me sick.  Finally I blocked him (and her) so I didn't have that temptation anymore.  If you want to heal and recover, you need to essentially delete him from your life.

I know I should, it's what everyone tells me to do, but somehow I just can't make myself do it. If he's able to still follow me on there and be friends with me on facebook without it hurting too much, why can't I? It would just be so hard to have him out of my life completely. I just can't push that unfollow button for some reason.

I don't expect him to contact me anymore, since I sent him a sweet card (with the last underwear that was still at my house) on what should have been our anniversary, but he never replied to that. That really hurt because I put my heart and soul into that card. Maybe he's angry with me for giving him his underwear in that way instead of handing it over to him? I just don't know.

[Maxpax2011]

I was with a BPD woman off and on for two years, such a roller coaster, we broke up after the first year and I was replaced by a man 14 years older than her, she was 37 at the time, I myself am 38, nice guy from what I heard, never met him or talked to him, they dated for over a month, and when they broke up she came running back to me wanting to fix things, she said all they did was fight (Big Surprise ). Well I went back in for another year, and then finally broke it off, last September, couldn't take the abuse anymore. She dated one guy after me for a few weeks, then right after that met another guy who she is currently with, they have been dating for about a month, maybe longer, during that time, she called me drunk to have sex, but I knew she was seeing someone so I declined. Within two weeks, they were all over Facebook, flaunting their relationship, tried to triangulate me, make me jealous, blah blah blah. Told me how wonderful he was and how he is what she has been missing her whole life.  Told him I was stalking her, had him contact me to brag about their sex life, such fun and games. Well I have them both blocked and I deactivated my Facebook because I was tired of the drama, well this week I heard from a friend who scoped out their Facebook's, because since they were throwing posts around about me stalking them I wanted someone to keep a look out in case things got serious, I wasn't named per say, but I knew it was about me. And low and behold he posted something about them arguing, surprise, surprise, he even made jokes about it. He is almost 50 himself, looks older because he is a drunk, anyways, she is also posting memes about break ups, and guys walking away from her, so looks like there is trouble in paradise already. Only a matter of time before he takes off and then she will be on the hunt for the next one. So don't let it get you down. You may be hurt by being replaced, I was in the beginning, but remember your replacement will only last so long before they themselves are replaced, and the cycle will just continue, you are no more special than the one before you, or after you or the one after after that, they don't love us like normal people, they need someone, anyone to be with them to sooth their loneliness. We are just band aids to them to patch that empty part of their heart that can't love you back. It does hurt, but it will pass, just think about the poor soul after you who will have to deal with all the abuse and heartache like you did. We are free, they are not, so take that into consideration next time you feel down. I know I am glad to be out of it, now he is the one taking the abuse, and it's only been a month, it is only the beginning, so feel that relief, and feel that freedom. They will treat our replacements no better than they treat us.

[Maxpax2011]

I know I should, it's what everyone tells me to do, but somehow I just can't make myself do it. If he's able to still follow me on there and be friends with me on facebook without it hurting too much, why can't I? It would just be so hard to have him out of my life completely. I just can't push that unfollow button for some reason.

I don't expect him to contact me anymore, since I sent him a sweet card (with the last underwear that was still at my house) on what should have been our anniversary, but he never replied to that. That really hurt because I put my heart and soul into that card. Maybe he's angry with me for giving him his underwear in that way instead of handing it over to him? I just don't know.

Also, block him on everything, do it fast and do it now, I did it, I hurt too when I saw how she was so goo goo ga ga over the new replacement, calling him honey, babe, telling him she loved him, he was so perfect, it was all over their Facebooks, and it felt horrible, but remember they don't love like us, they don't have empathy like us, they are wired differently, and you have to learn to accept that honey, it's hard, trust me I have been there, but it is just the nature of the beast. The sooner you block him out of your life, the better you will feel, trust me, I have been no contact for a month, and have not looked at any of her social media in a month, and it feels really good, trust me, just do it, and research on BPD, they are not like us, they are not bad people, they are just mentally unstable and they don't intentionally do anything to hurt us, they just don't understand what they are doing to us, because it doesn't affect them so why should it affect us, know what I mean? Psychologists say they have the emotional understanding of a young child, so imagine being like this with a 6 year old? Would they understand why we are so upset? Research all about it and you will understand.

[araneina]

I know I should, it's what everyone tells me to do, but somehow I just can't make myself do it. If he's able to still follow me on there and be friends with me on facebook without it hurting too much, why can't I? It would just be so hard to have him out of my life completely. I just can't push that unfollow button for some reason.

I don't expect him to contact me anymore, since I sent him a sweet card (with the last underwear that was still at my house) on what should have been our anniversary, but he never replied to that. That really hurt because I put my heart and soul into that card. Maybe he's angry with me for giving him his underwear in that way instead of handing it over to him? I just don't know.

Girl I did the saaaame thing.  I wrote my ex a letter.  Not so much telling him how much I loved him but just saying how much I learned from my mistakes in the relationship and how much I'd miss our friendship.  He never replied - well, not until I saw him, two weeks later, on facebook with my replacement.  After I confronted him THEN he responded to my letter and used several of the incredibly vulnerable things I said in it as ammunition against me.  Trust me... .these guys aren't feeling the way you and I are feeling.  They're vampires.  I feel sorry for them.  You and I will learn from these relationships - they will continue doing the same thing they've been doing for years, and leave a trail of victims in their wake.

[TurbanCowboy]

Hello there,

Sorry for bothering you again but this forum is helping me so much and kind of feels like a diary. It's very comforting to know that I'm not alone in this and that his behaviour can be explained by something. Although it doesn't really make the hurting or the confusion less, unfortunately.

So my ex can't be alone. The longest he's ever not dated anyone since he was 16 is 2 weeks, but most of the time it's a much shorter period than that. Even when he broke up with his girlfriend of 3 years, who he often spoke to me about as if she was the love of his life and he wasn't over her (this was always pretty hurtful, because I felt like a replacement and never good enough, even though it was 2 years since they broke up when we started dating and he had had a 1 year relationship between her and me) he started dating new girls pretty much right away. In the periods we weren't together in the last two months (we tried getting back together two times in these months as well, but both times he got bored with me after a week or so and broke it off again) he has also had several dates.

Now that we are again separated since 9 days, I just know that he is already seeing other girls. This hurts so bad and I really don't know how to cope with it. The idea that he's already spending his evenings with others, laughing with them, making memories wit them, sharing his bed with them... .It's just too difficult and it makes me feel so empty and lost and like I was nothing to him.

I'm also scared that he won't contact me again this time. That this time he has left me for good and won't want to reconcile. This realisation just seems to big for me to handle, it makes me want to roll up in a ball, lie in bed all day and cry and do nothing else. I think that now that it didn't work out twice when he wanted to try again (first week was amazing both times, like everything was fine again, then after this first week he started distancing himself from me, not messaging me and always making other plans so he didn't have to see me and then both times the inevitable conversation came in which he said that it didn't work) he won't want to try another time.

Maybe I shouldn't even want him back, because these last two months have been hell. Always trying to be good enough for him, trying him to convince him to stay with me, always treading on my toes trying not to anger or annoy him. Realizing that I just could never be good enough for him. That he didn't respect or love me in that way anymore. This has drained me of all life energy. It's just that I don't know how to go on without him. I need him in my life.

I really hoped he would contact me yesterday or today since yesterday I celebrated my birthday (my birthday was in october but I could only celebrate it now) and I hoped he would ask how it had been. Yesterday was a hard day, since he wasn't there. I miss him so much. Also he knows in what state I am and that I'm not doing well at all and I just hoped that he would worry and ask me how I was doing.

I understand what you are going through. I just left the house a month ago and the guy I caught her with in October has already moved in.  When I picked up my
son up from daycare Friday he mentioned poppy. I said who is poppy, he said a boy. I took a picture of the guy in his truck and shoes tnpicture to my son and he said that is poppy.  Actually it is Papi because my wife is Latina. Papi means father, it can be a term for endearment for a boyfriend too.

This guy has been divorced twice in 6 years, just moved into a house I’m on the deed to and MY 5 year old boy, MY BOY is calling this j-off Papi? I wanted to throw up.  I called my wife in it, silence. I called him on it and he taunted me. He clearly has a mental illness as well, pretty sure he’s 100% disability for PTSD after fighting in Afghanistan.

I’m dealing with two high conflict individuals and my wife is so desperate not
to be alone she’s allowing this guy to be called Papi. That’s a huge long term mistake on her part however and just continues to validate what I have been trying to tell people that she has a serious problem.

[blooming]

I was with a BPD woman off and on for two years, such a roller coaster, we broke up after the first year and I was replaced by a man 14 years older than her, she was 37 at the time, I myself am 38, nice guy from what I heard, never met him or talked to him, they dated for over a month, and when they broke up she came running back to me wanting to fix things, she said all they did was fight (Big Surprise ). Well I went back in for another year, and then finally broke it off, last September, couldn't take the abuse anymore. She dated one guy after me for a few weeks, then right after that met another guy who she is currently with, they have been dating for about a month, maybe longer, during that time, she called me drunk to have sex, but I knew she was seeing someone so I declined. Within two weeks, they were all over Facebook, flaunting their relationship, tried to triangulate me, make me jealous, blah blah blah. Told me how wonderful he was and how he is what she has been missing her whole life.  Told him I was stalking her, had him contact me to brag about their sex life, such fun and games. Well I have them both blocked and I deactivated my Facebook because I was tired of the drama, well this week I heard from a friend who scoped out their Facebook's, because since they were throwing posts around about me stalking them I wanted someone to keep a look out in case things got serious, I wasn't named per say, but I knew it was about me. And low and behold he posted something about them arguing, surprise, surprise, he even made jokes about it. He is almost 50 himself, looks older because he is a drunk, anyways, she is also posting memes about break ups, and guys walking away from her, so looks like there is trouble in paradise already. Only a matter of time before he takes off and then she will be on the hunt for the next one. So don't let it get you down. You may be hurt by being replaced, I was in the beginning, but remember your replacement will only last so long before they themselves are replaced, and the cycle will just continue, you are no more special than the one before you, or after you or the one after after that, they don't love us like normal people, they need someone, anyone to be with them to sooth their loneliness. We are just band aids to them to patch that empty part of their heart that can't love you back. It does hurt, but it will pass, just think about the poor soul after you who will have to deal with all the abuse and heartache like you did. We are free, they are not, so take that into consideration next time you feel down. I know I am glad to be out of it, now he is the one taking the abuse, and it's only been a month, it is only the beginning, so feel that relief, and feel that freedom. They will treat our replacements no better than they treat us.

That sounds like an awful experience Maxpax, I'm really sorry you were hurt that way.

It's really hard to think of my ex as such a bad person as you describe your ex. Yes, he was quite controling, yes he could say very hurtful things for no reason at all, yes he was a black/white thinker and didn't have a lot of nice things to say about the people around him. But he has also made me so happy in the first half year of our relationship, he made me feel like I was the only girl in the world, it really felt like our love would last forever.

I'm just so jealous of the new girl, that she will have these happy months with him. Sure, with his past relationships things started detoriating more quickly than with my relationship with him (first breakup after around 2-3 months officially together instead of the 10 months it was with us), but not after the one month you describe with your ex. It's just that I really thought I was good for him. That I was the one he needed. Someone who didn't get angry at him in return, but just let him say his hurtful things and move on like nothing happened. He always said that that was what he needed, since he couldn't control his "bad habit". But apparently not... .

[blooming]

Girl I did the saaaame thing.  I wrote my ex a letter.  Not so much telling him how much I loved him but just saying how much I learned from my mistakes in the relationship and how much I'd miss our friendship.  He never replied - well, not until I saw him, two weeks later, on facebook with my replacement.  After I confronted him THEN he responded to my letter and used several of the incredibly vulnerable things I said in it as ammunition against me.  Trust me... .these guys aren't feeling the way you and I are feeling.  They're vampires.  I feel sorry for them.  You and I will learn from these relationships - they will continue doing the same thing they've been doing for years, and leave a trail of victims in their wake.

I just can't think of him as a vampire. The longer it is since the last time I saw him the more I'm starting to only see the good things in him. I just can't think of him as "leaving a trail of victims", it sounds so harsh and cruel. I just want my boy back, the boy I loved so much and who loved me in return  It was so hard to see him slowly leaving me these past months, caring less and less about what I thought or did and wanting to spend less and less time with me. At first he said it was because I thought too much of myself and that it was all about me (I had been in hospital for a week and I think he couldn't handle being worried about me or something) and that he was annoyed by my insecurities (I have had anorexia nervosa for 3 years so my body image isn't the best), but later he couldn't really give me a reason for his behaviour anymore. Of course before I was in hospital he already had his moments and said multiple times that I would break up with him ( I guess those were moments his past girlfriends broke up with him because they were hurt too much but I stayed with him through it all, I just loved him too much). Also I've had him in tears next to me multiple times because he was scared that I would leave him in the end as well because of his "bad characteristics" (which are his BPD traits, but he has never been diagnosed and isn't open to help so he doesn't know that). But now he left me isntead of me leaving him because apparently in the end I wasn't good enough.

[Jeffree]

I just want my boy back, the boy I loved so much and who loved me in return sad

I hear what you're saying blooming, BUT from my experience with these people in these moments it's as though that person has been erased completely. It's like they put their good loving self in the witness protection program never to be found again.

I don't know how they can just shut off an entire aspect of their personality to the person closest to them, but then turn it on for some stranger or a pet or friend. 

J

[Maxpax2011]

I just can't think of him as a vampire. The longer it is since the last time I saw him the more I'm starting to only see the good things in him. I just can't think of him as "leaving a trail of victims", it sounds so harsh and cruel. I just want my boy back, the boy I loved so much and who loved me in return  It was so hard to see him slowly leaving me these past months, caring less and less about what I thought or did and wanting to spend less and less time with me. At first he said it was because I thought too much of myself and that it was all about me (I had been in hospital for a week and I think he couldn't handle being worried about me or something) and that he was annoyed by my insecurities (I have had anorexia nervosa for 3 years so my body image isn't the best), but later he couldn't really give me a reason for his behaviour anymore. Of course before I was in hospital he already had his moments and said multiple times that I would break up with him ( I guess those were moments his past girlfriends broke up with him because they were hurt too much but I stayed with him through it all, I just loved him too much). Also I've had him in tears next to me multiple times because he was scared that I would leave him in the end as well because of his "bad characteristics" (which are his BPD traits, but he has never been diagnosed and isn't open to help so he doesn't know that). But now he left me isntead of me leaving him because apparently in the end I wasn't good enough.

You know how many times my ex told me I was the one? I lost count . She even admitted to me that she knew she had issues and just wanted to be loved, but men just kept leaving her. So I tried to prove I was different, I tried everything, she would always say how nice I was And how good I was to her. She said I helped her with her rages and anger. But guess what she still did it and it still got worse no matter what I did. And now she is saying the same exact things to the new guy. You research this site and read through all the stories. It's the same over and over again. Same abuse cycle, same devaluation, and idealization. We loved an illusion. It was not real. I still dream about her. And she is so sweet and loving in my dreams, so beautiful. But when I wake up I know the dream was just a dream. It was not real just like she wasn't. It's like my subconscious is trying to tell me to realize I loved an illusion. It's a hard pill to swallow. But the sooner you do the better off you will be.

[blooming]

You know how many times my ex told me I was the one? I lost count . She even admitted to me that she knew she had issues and just wanted to be loved, but men just kept leaving her. So I tried to prove I was different, I tried everything, she would always say how nice I was And how good I was to her. She said I helped her with her rages and anger. But guess what she still did it and it still got worse no matter what I did. And now she is saying the same exact things to the new guy. You research this site and read through all the stories. It's the same over and over again. Same abuse cycle, same devaluation, and idealization. We loved an illusion. It was not real. I still dream about her. And she is so sweet and loving in my dreams, so beautiful. But when I wake up I know the dream was just a dream. It was not real just like she wasn't. It's like my subconscious is trying to tell me to realize I loved an illusion. It's a hard pill to swallow. But the sooner you do the better off you will be.

Wow your experience sounds exactly like mine. Especially the dreams. Mornings are so hard because I wake up from that illusion that keeps on happening inside my head overe and over again. I just wish he would get help. I guess part of the problem is that he's a really attractive guy, so he can get pretty much any girl he likes and every girl he lays his eyes on falls for him. So he never really has to put in any effort or proof his worth, so he can just start his cycle over and over again and he never learns because the girls will still be lining up for him, despite his behaviour. I was warned so much for him before I started dating him, because I vaguely knew his exes and had some mutual friends with them, but still I thought "I can change him, with me it'll be different"  and that's what every girl thinks. He seems such an amazing catch in the beginning. So good-looking, so sweet, so genuinely interested in you and the world around him. But then, after a certain amount of time, he changes... .

[Maxpax2011]

Wow your experience sounds exactly like mine. Especially the dreams. Mornings are so hard because I wake up from that illusion that keeps on happening inside my head overe and over again. I just wish he would get help. I guess part of the problem is that he's a really attractive guy, so he can get pretty much any girl he likes and every girl he lays his eyes on falls for him. So he never really has to put in any effort or proof his worth, so he can just start his cycle over and over again and he never learns because the girls will still be lining up for him, despite his behaviour. I was warned so much for him before I started dating him, because I vaguely knew his exes and had some mutual friends with them, but still I thought "I can change him, with me it'll be different"  and that's what every girl thinks. He seems such an amazing catch in the beginning. So good-looking, so sweet, so genuinely interested in you and the world around him. But then, after a certain amount of time, he changes... .

Same thing for me. I live in a small town and I know some of her exes. Everyone knows everyone. A lot of people know how she really is. I was warned too, by one of her exes and her own mother. But I followed my heart and tried to see the good in her. It happens to all of us. And yes she always seems to have a guy lined up no matter what the circumstances. She is attractive as well. They are survivors, they thrive no matter what. Its just how they are wired. But we can survive too. And unlike them we can be truly happy with someone and feel true love.

[blooming]

Same thing for me. I live in a small town and I know some of her exes. Everyone knows everyone. A lot of people know how she really is. I was warned too, by one of her exes and her own mother. But I followed my heart and tried to see the good in her. It happens to all of us. And yes she always seems to have a guy lined up no matter what the circumstances. She is attractive as well. They are survivors, they thrive no matter what. Its just how they are wired. But we can survive too. And unlike them we can be truly happy with someone and feel true love.

You really think they can't experience true love? That would mean that he never loved me  That all those sweet words he said were untrue.

Does your ex also have lovely friends and family? Mine has. I miss them so much. His father is a horrible man, who I suspect also has BPD judging from all the stories. He's not in contact with him anymore. But his mother, stepfather and friends are all so nice and so faithful to him. It just feels so unfair that he can be nice enough to them and so horrid to me

[TurbanCowboy]

You really think they can't experience true love? That would mean that he never loved me  That all those sweet words he said were untrue.

Does your ex also have lovely friends and family? Mine has. I miss them so much. His father is a horrible man, who I suspect also has BPD judging from all the stories. He's not in contact with him anymore. But his mother, stepfather and friends are all so nice and so faithful to him. It just feels so unfair that he can be nice enough to them and so horrid to me

I think they love, but it’s not a mature love, it’s a childish love.

Mature love requires the ability to put the feelings of your SO before yours at times. Mature love requires the ability to admit when you did something wrong and the ability to say sorry. The ability to say sorry before a huge fight ensues and days of silent treatment, not after.

At least in my own relationship, my wife always, ALWAYS allowed her own feelings to come first even when it couldn’t have been more inappropriate for her to put her feelings first.

I have countless examples, but I sent a text to my wife in September explaining that I needed to see a kidney specialist for something and that one of my symptoms (which I described) could be related to my kidneys. I’m crying and worried while texting this looking for some empathy and support. What I get from her is her taking it personally that I described the symptom I was having because she knew what the symptom was.  She was more worried that I might be questioning her intelligence (not even on my radar) than she was that I was scared about my health. That’s not love.

My wife is from a foreign country where she lived till she was 18.  If I ever asked if she saw a movie that would have been out while she was a kid in that country, she would be offended. She thought I was slighting her country and implying that they only had puppet shows in the village. I was only asking if she ever saw the movie. Of course, she’s never seen any of the Star Wars movies so forbid me to question if there are any other movies she hasn’t seen when she hasn’t seen one of the most recognizable franchises in movie history. Heaven forbid.

Again, a mature person wouldn’t create conflict over such trivial things knowing over time it would kill the love of the other person.

My wife always put her feelings first even when it wasn’t remotely appropriate to do so.

She’s doing it now with having my replacement move into our house when this could traumatize our son.

[Maxpax2011]

You really think they can't experience true love? That would mean that he never loved me  That all those sweet words he said were untrue.

Does your ex also have lovely friends and family? Mine has. I miss them so much. His father is a horrible man, who I suspect also has BPD judging from all the stories. He's not in contact with him anymore. But his mother, stepfather and friends are all so nice and so faithful to him. It just feels so unfair that he can be nice enough to them and so horrid to me

I think she loved me in her own way, not a healthy kind of love, not the kind of love we have, where when they leave we hurt and long for them, it's more of how a child loves a toy, they love it and then get bored with it, and then when it's gone, they may remember it or miss it sometimes, but not like how we miss things, people like them have the emotional capacity of a child, sadly. I don't think they were untrue, I mean she said some things to me too, I still remember the way she would touch my face before she would kiss, the way she looked into my eyes, but like I said it was more of how a child loves you know, not a mature healthy love. She came from a broken home, parents were divorced, Dad was a cheating drunk, mom was kind of an enabler type. She didn't come from a caring and nurturing home life I think that is why they are like this, they were not taught the fundamentals of love and life like the rest of us. She has no concept of boundaries or structure. They were not taught how to properly establish a loving and respectful relationship with adults.