Reaching the end, or rather, the begining of the end.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Many months ago I posted this thread about feeling like I had reached the end of being able to stay married.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315190.0

A lesson I took away is that I couldn't really afford to divorce.  Looking at the business side of divorce ended me up, in my own words, "scaring me back into submission."  And yet, here I am, still.  I'm in submission, and stuck, and older.

I look ahead, and still see no improvement.  I believe I know what is, and what will be.  That leads me to say that at some point, inevitably I'll get divorced.  And yet, instead of act, I have let yet more time slip away.  In only a few ways do I feel stronger and better - and none of those as a result of staying married.  In other ways, I feel yet more hopeless.  There's more time wasted - time that could be building something new, repairing what damage was done, and maybe even time that I could have used to re-establish healthy relationships in a post-divorce world.

It's getting to the point of exhaustion I think.  For years prior, I had figured I could recover and keep up with the constant drain on my psychological and physical health caused by so much walking on eggshells, holding in my own emotions, denying myself the ordinary spectrum of behaviors so as to soothe the mentally ill people around me.  But, I think I'm learning that this just isn't sustainable.  

I woke this morning with the decision that I have to act, and act true to my feelings - in spite of logic and finances, and in spite of being "scared into submission."

My post linked above was asking for others to check my thinking.  I'm working on that, and appreciate community help, but, as for checking my feelings - that's what only I can do.

This board is certainly a place for those who have been there, done that, I'm sure.  If you have reached a similar point like I've tried to describe (that feelings are going to override logic and finances), how did you follow through?
Can you give me some encouragement and hope?

Or, just a nod and smile, becuase I'm not alone?

Thanks!

[fontinalis]

Hi SamwizeGamgee! I too stayed in my marriage for far too long enduring absolutely unacceptable behavior both because I was afraid of how divorce would financially destroy me, and because I was afraid of what it would do to our kids. I didn't know there were any resources out there to help people like me. It took until the fear that she might kill me next time was suddenly greater than those other fears to push me to take drastic measures. And when I did, I found out through my victim coordinator at the DA's office that there was a free legal aid non-profit where I live that I qualify for. I could have gone to them before the DV too. Although in a way, enduring up to the abuse that I did to the point that she was arrested saved the kids from the abuse I'm afraid she would have increasingly turned on them. I'm not suggesting anyone take that risk! But anyway, call your local bar association and ask about free or low cost legal services for people like you. You might be surprised! I wish you strength on this difficult journey! We're all here supporting you!

[SamwizeGamgee]

Thanks for the support!  I've benefitted from your posts in the past too.  Thanks.  

Back when I was making my emergency plans, I did have a counseling session with the local DV shelter and legal team.  I was first taken aback because they had emergency shelters for women and kids, and none for men and certainly not space for dads with kids.  While working with the system, I also came to the conclusion that explaining BPD / emotional abuse, the harm of BPD parenting, made me lose a lot of hope that someone else could see and realize the gravity of the abuse for what it is in my life.  I could really use her beating the daylights out of me right now.  But, that's not going to happen.  

I'm stuck witht "irreconciliable differences."

[utnapishtim428]

Hi SamwizeGamgee. I’m sorry that you’re going through such a hard time... .I’m in the early stages of getting divorced and everything is very fresh but I thought I’d respond anyway. For me, the decision was brought on by many factors... .I’ve tried to leave before and failed because of the guilt I feel from abandoning someone that needs my help. My stbx is not a bad person, but the BPD tendencies are just too much for me to handle anymore. I can feel how I’m a lot more emotionally exhausted than I was during our previous lows and that there’s a very real possibility that if I stayed, I would just be broken by the trauma.

A key factor for me was considering the ramifications of my decision into the future. If I focused on the short term, I could only see her suffering and felt a huge amount of guilt for considering leaving. But if I looked ahead, I would see our future children going through this with me (as I did when I was a child), and I just couldn’t accept that if my stbx wasn’t getting help. I thought of my childhood, with one BPD parent and the other normal (I think). When they divorced, it was very difficult for me but at the same time, I felt a lot of relief too even though I was too young to understand why. Now that I’m older, I’m not on speaking terms with the BPD parent but the non-BPD is a priceless source of support and guidance. People might worry that their children will be angry at them or damaged by a divorce, and that is true in the short term... .but decades later, the decision my parents made to divorce proves itself to have been right every day.

I think planning is key. You could start putting a plan together for how you are going to handle things... .you can always not follow through should you change your mind, but having it may also give the clarity that you need to do it. Financially... .divorce is going to be rough, but people in difficult financial situations get divorced too and there are resources available to you. If I were you, I would read books on the subject and contact some lawyers to weigh your options.

[BeagleGirl]

Samwise,
    I've been silent but lurking a bit in the past couple weeks and wanted to chime in since you are looking for people who have walked the path you are considering.
    I'm two weeks away from the 1 year anniversary of leaving my dBPDh.  I'm probably about the same length of time away from the judge finalizing our legal separation.  Legal separation is a route that not many people choose vs divorce, and I get the feeling it's even more rare for those where BPD is a factor.  I chose this route because I thought it would give more chance/motivation for dBPDh and me to get help and course correct enough to have a true reconciliation.  Now I'm almost at the end of the journey towards legal separation and I don't think it achieved or will achieve what I hoped, but I don't regret taking this path.
    I think you captured one of the aspects that, in hindsight, motivated my decision to move out - FEELINGS overrode logic and finances.  I did get to a point where I FELT like I had no other option.  There were many, many hours (days, weeks, years) of trying to work out my marriage and the decision to stay or go like a logical problem, but the actual decision to leave was more visceral than analytical.  It was also very visceral in that it felt like I was ripping my own guts out, and once I took that first irrevocable action (telling our kids that I was going to move out) there was no way to put them back in.
    The things that kept me moving forward were:
1.  I believed that the current state of our marriage was more harmful to me, my children, and even my husband than living apart would be.
2.  I believed that I had done everything in my power to repair our marriage while still under the same roof.
3.  I believed that separation had a higher likelihood of resulting in reconciliation than continuing to live together.
4.  I was willing to risk the failure of a "marriage" in order to have a chance at a marriage that wouldn't have to be bracketed by quotation marks.

    There have been a million times where I have second guessed myself and been at high risk of deciding that going back to what we had would be better than staying in the pain that came with the past year of separation.  In the early days it was belief that going back too soon would short circuit any chance we had at "better" that kept me strong.  I guess it still is, to a certain extent.  
    
    I have been struggling to figure out what to write that might qualify as "hope and encouragement".  There is very real pain in the break up of a marriage and some of it is experienced by those who are innocent, like our children.  There's not a lot of hope or encouragement in that fact.  We can hope, and I believe, that pain like that can be a catalyst to some good things, like greater strength of character and empathy for others, but I also know that hope feels rather thin when you find a 5 inch knife in your son's pillow case and he can't explain why he felt the need to have it there.  Those are the times when my faith is most truly tested.
    I know that what I wanted to hear from others when I was making this decision a year ago was "I survived and my life now is better than it would have been if I had not taken that horrific step.  I know, without a doubt that the same will be true for you and you are doing the right thing."  I can't say that.  All I can do is tell you where I am a year out.

    I now have 50% custody of my children and dogs.  I miss them when I don't have them in a way I didn't when away from them (on business trips) before.  :)uring the weeks I don't have them the house still feels very big and empty, but I no longer sleep on the couch rather than my bed and rarely experience the desperate loneliness that was my companion for the first several months of living alone.  Most days I'm my true self (my given name translates to "happy joyful one" even when alone.  I may feel lonely and long for companionship, but I'm taking the time to know how to be less dependent on others to define my worth and to internalize the knowledge that there are prices too high to pay just to have "someone special" around.  
    I am still struggling with whether to just let the legal separation stand indefinitely or have it converted to divorce some time after the 90 day mark (my state law makes it a formality with no further negotiation or agreement needed from the spouse if either of us petitions for divorce at least 90 days after the legal separation is final).  I have days when I desperately wish I could stop the waiting and hoping that I attach to being legally separated rather than divorced, but on the whole I feel like I'm better and freer because I've left the option of reconciliation open this long and I'm choosing not to act out of desperation.
    I have felt the financial impact of this process.  I'm at about $12K in legal expenses and I am learning just how much of a benefit there is to the "married filing jointly" tax status.  The blessing has been learning that money comes and goes, but the abilities that have enabled me to make and manage money throughout our marriage aren't lost in the settlement.  I can rebuild.
    I have felt the loss of a lot of relationships as people close to me have struggled in their response to my decision to leave my husband, but I am learning to recognize the shallowness of some of those relationships and either deepen them or let them go.
    I have felt the rejection and sorrow of words and actions from dBPDh that indicate his lack of care for me and lack of willingness to rebuild our marriage.  The hurt hasn't stopped just because of the separation.  In some ways it has been deeper because being out of the daily FOG has made me see more clearly what he does.  The blessing has come in starting to understand that those hurts aren't caused by something lacking in me ("If I was more worthy of his love, he'd love me".  I'm starting to catch those thoughts and tell myself "This action speaks to who he is, not to who you are".

    This is getting pretty wordy, and I'm thinking back over your posts and know that you have already started learning some of the lessons I'm relating.  I will close with saying that I've found adequate hope and courage to continue on this path, though I don't know where it will ultimately lead.  I wish the same for you, no matter what path you choose, and am happy to give details on anything I've experienced or am experiencing if you think it will help.
BeagleGirl

[SamwizeGamgee]

Thank you very much.

I have felt plenty of undeserved guilt and responsibility, helped along by my wife's generous doses of blame, projection and manipulation.  I know some people believe in an idea that two dedicated partners can make any marriage work, and maybe if I was emotionally intelligent at the beginning of the marriage, I might have had the tools to recognize emotional blackmail and all the BPD insanity for what it was, and then have a chance to digest it and stay married in a partly healthy fashion.  However, over the decades of abuse, and all of it emotional, verbal and psychological, I just feel the effects of too much damage.

I came up with the idea recently that divorce feels like the cure for my cancer, in which my marriage had been slowly destroying me from the inside out, and all the while undetectable in a short term, or superficial observation.

Thanks for your realistic appraisal, BeagleGirl.  I am not sure I'll get applause from the stands if I do go ahead with divorce.  I know my wife is seen as a saint by many people.  And I may never get that feeling of being 100% right either.  But, somethings have to be done.  And sometimes, maybe now, it might have to be the visceral reaction that decides.

[BeagleGirl]

Samwise,
    You may have already considered these questions, but here are some things I'm glad or wish I'd considered when at the stage that you're at:
1.  Do you want to leave the door open to restoration of your marriage?  If so, what would be necessary for that restoration to occur?
2.  How are you going to communicate your decision for divorce to your wife?  Having answers to the above questions is a good prerequisite for having that conversation with your wife, because she's going to want to know.
3.  Where will your kids be when you have this conversation with your wife? 
4.  What would you like the days after the conversation to look like (are you planning to move out immediately?  Do you want a cooling off period before telling your kids or making a move? etc.)?
5.  What will you do if BPDw blows up/shuts down/kicks you out/threatens suicide/promises everything you ask for?
6.  How/what do you want to tell your kids? (If you need help or direction to resources on this, let me know)
7.  What is your/your wife's/your children's support system going to look like during the hours/days after your conversation?
8.  Do you tell any mutual friends/relatives of your intention to have this conversation with your wife before you have it?

    Answering these questions doesn't make the decision for you or require action, but it can help you visualize the process, which can help in the decision processes.

    I understood your likening your marriage to a cancer and divorce being the cure to it, but I would encourage you to stretch that analogy out a bit more.  I would say that separation/divorce is more like having a tumor removed.  Sometimes you lose healthy tissue with the tumor, and the battle with cancer isn't over.  You'll still face the equivalent of chemo/radiation treatments after the divorce so that you don't end up with the same kind of tumor or growth of the cancer in an area you had not yet detected it. 

    I'll post more later, but wanted to share these for you to consider.
BeagleGirl

[SamwizeGamgee]

Thank you for your response, once again!
I need more time to look at all your questions, and they are thought provoking.
Off the top of my head, I'll give them a try.  Sometimes, not-preparing an answer might be eye-opening.

1- no restoration, reconciliation, or repair is wanted.  I have felt this marriage was wrong from day one (technically day 2, but it has been 20 years of regret). I could also say that there are other fish in the sea and after getting away from this one, there will be better catches out there, but, I'm not fishing right now.

2- I've learned that subtle doesn't work, and repetion might.  So, I suspect I'll have to be much more direct.  Moving out of the bedroom, and declining sex, isn't quite saying all of what I feel.  So, I guess I'll describe my conclusions to her and be ready to restate and follow up for a few days.

3- I don't know where the kids will be.  One safely at college. Another withdrawn in her teen-age room (where she always is). The others will be in bed.

4- Funny.  In my heart I'm already separated, so I don't think I'll feel anything differently.  I've made my man-space in the basement. I would love it if my wife would agree to think before acting, and read a few books on telling the kids about divorce - before we approach it with the kids.  I've got several books.  I'll follow the advice that the older the kid, the more lead time they should have to prepare for changes.

5- call 911 for emergencies.  I don't have a list of demands or requested changes - other than let's separate and let go with love. (at least dignity and decorum).

6- this answer takes more time, but, I've read good books on the issue.  The kids know I'm not happy, but, I'm very good at hiding my discontent and conflict. (more answer later)

7- Another one I wish things were better.  Extended family is all out of state.  Though we do have a network of church and community support.  My wife as a herrmit / waif type BPD feels there is no real depth to her friends, and certainly no long term close friends.

8- My brother will know, maybe my parents.  I'll tell our local church leader as a courtesy, I think.  Key people at work are generally briefed that there might be a domestic issue at a moments notice. I've got a fan club at work who want me to end this.  My T has been waiting a few years for me to have the conversation!

Thanks for the mental excersices, I'll give itmore thought.  I'll admit most of my mental energy is spent on deciding, over-analyzing and considering _whether_ to divorce, that little thinking is done on _how_ to deliver the decision.  Inside it's just about to erupt becuase I am so tired of re-hashing the decision that it will feel like a relief to just blurt it out, and let follow what will.

[BeagleGirl]

I'll admit most of my mental energy is spent on deciding, over-analyzing and considering _whether_ to divorce, that little thinking is done on _how_ to deliver the decision.  Inside it's just about to erupt becuase I am so tired of re-hashing the decision that it will feel like a relief to just blurt it out, and let follow what will.

Samwise,
    I remember the anxiety and exhaustion that I lived in the last weeks/months of living with my husband.  It was like I couldn't turn off my brain until I had reached a decision and taken action.  In the previous years I had been able to reach a decision to stay and actively stay, but I feel like I could no longer bring myself to actively stay in my marriage, so the only action that would stop the constant, agonizing debate was to decide to leave and take that action.
    I think knowing that you do not want restoration of your marriage is very important.  I think having that answer ready when BPDw is doing everything she can to convince you to stay (if she does) or recycle may save you both prolonged pain.
    You know your wife best, but it may be good to plan when and how to tell her rather than "blurting it out, and let follow what will".  I preferred to do it at a time and in a place where there would be no interruption, my boys were not around, and I was only a few steps away from a public place and my car, should I feel the need to have witnesses or an escape.  I set a date for telling our boys and invited dBPDh to take part in that conversation with the understanding that I would tell the boys alone if he was not ready/willing by that date.  I wish I had done a bit more reading on how to tell them, because I allowed my guilt to drive me to take full responsibility for the separation.  I think it would have been better if we could have agreed to not assign blame.
    
    I felt some of the same desperation to have a decision (stop at legal separation or pursue divorce) last week, leading up to signing the separation papers.  The last two days have been better.  Either I am learning to shut off the thinking (not probable), I've found adequate distraction to temporarily short circuit the looping pro/con list making (more likely), or my mind has gotten a subliminal message from my "gut" that I've made a decision (possible).  

    Have you tried setting a date a few months out on which you will make a decision?  It hasn't typically worked for me, but some of my friends have used that technique to shut down the obsessive attempt to make a decision.  They set a date and when they find themselves trying to decide they remind themselves that that decision cannot be made until x day and refocus their mental energy.  

BeagleGirl

[ForeverDad]

I was married over 15 years when I first called 911 and that was The End, her overreaction.  What brought me to that point was that I realized I had to protect myself.  She had driven away our friends, my relatives too, her relatives were distant.  So I was the only one left to criticize and I got even more worried when she looked at me suspiciously.  You see, it was her and her son against the world of "probably" abusers.  So I didn't get to choose to leave.  I had to protect myself.  Our divorce was final at the 18 year mark.  With her metaphorically kicking and screaming all the way.  She had a very favorable temp order and so she had every incentive to delay.

I did ask my lawyer about Legal Separation.  He said in my state it worked only when there was no conflict.  In his entire career he had done only 2 LS cases.  He said if I tried LS (as expensive as a divorce in my state) and went back for D then all the issues would be reopened and in the next evaluation she might be smart enough to avoid looking bad.

I am a great advocate for marriage.  However, I've come to learn that if it is dysfunctional and unhealthy, then the unthinkable may be necessary.  For me, beyond all the blaming, blame shifting, apologies demanded for anything and everything, endless criticisms of friends and relatives, late night demands to fix all our troubles before we went to sleep, interrogations, the trigger was self-protection.  Clearly, inaction was a poor choice for me, it just let my life and marriage become worse and worse until there was no alternative.  I hope it doesn't come to that for you.  But do review your life, your needs, your children's needs to see you as a good example of an empowered parent.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc.  Over 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.