No Contact is a GOOD Thing...It's can be Life Saving

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Far be it from me to write like a professional, spout like a counselor or offer advice like a Dr. Phil.  But when called to action, as in the case of the dearly known murderous, felon Jodi Arias, it's time to reflect on a few thoughts. 

In late 2012 I was in the throws of a preposterous separation/breakup and divorce with my lovely and talented wife of just 2+ years.  Short and sweet you say?  Not hardly.  Without a doubt the longest and most debilitating months of my 55 year history.  NEVER have I put myself in a situation that caused more torment and agony.  Nearly 20 years my younger, she (with children just slightly younger than mine) made it clear from the onset, that I was her shining, armored knight.  Nothing... .and I mean ZERO chance of her changing her mind.  WE WERE Destined. 

I could go into the whole ordeal and supply day to day, month to month and other long and pathetic details of who, what, how, when and where but it would just get long winded and obfuscate from my origional point. 

Last night I chose to end the night with a little TV viewing when along came the 1st of a 3 night special of the Travis Alexander murder special on TV.  It had been over 4 years since the trial, conviction and sentencing of our dear murderous, Ms. Arias. 

A few days before the trial began, I was forced into major surgery with an unusual medical procedure that required a couple weeks of serious couch/sofa time.  Rest, TV, Reading... .repeat.  But when that murder trial began I was struck by the unbelievable reality of RE-LIVING what I had recently been thru with my BPDxw.  I had been hoping to find the answers thru either therapy or friends of ours or even self help books and websites. 

NOPE. Not till I watched that sick, diabolical piece of dirt did I realize how lucky I was.  I lived each and every day the same extasty, torment,  mind numbing, torturous, exasperating moments as did her deceased boyfriend.  Yet, I survived.  At the very time the jury was deliberating the fate of the accused, I was contemplating what my next move was; as in the case of my own life, it being played out in real life... .with my real BPDwife. 

I CHOSE to completely walk away.  Better explained, I walked into the final divorce hearing and told the judge... .I'm done! No perjury charges.(on her part)... .No retaliation, no financial retributions (she had stolen tens of thousands of $$ from me and the Judge had ALL the records) no judgments, no alimony from her, no settlements period!  But on ONE CONDITION... .That she NEVER communicate with me again, in any WAY, SHAPE or FORM unless for purposes of completion of the divorce proceedings.  Here was a woman who was hell bent on calling and texting and emailing whenever she pleased to try and push/pull, gaslight, accuse, drunk dial, you name it!   All the typical BS of a pwBPD. 

Her reaction was horifiying!  She could walk away completely FREE.  All charges and fines dropped... .on one condition.  Just don't ever contact me.  But do you think she would take that deal in a heartbeat.  Nope!  At least till the judge explained the CONSEQUENCES of breaking the agreement, if accepted. Possible jail/prison time for Perjury, Check Fraud, Theft etc. 

Suffice to say, she took the deal and I haven't heard a peep from her in nearly 4 years.  Not a phone call, whimper, squeak, tweet, text.  But more importantly, I am able to post this on BPD for all to see and learn.  NO CONTACT.  NO CONTACT.  Unless absolutely needed for purposes of child rearing, NO CONTACT.  I believe in all honesty, if I hadn't been lucky enough to learn from the unfortunate murder of Mr. Travis Alexander, I may not be here to tell you the truth.  I'm NOT saying she WOULD have done the same to me.  But, that she COULD have done the same.  Best I remove any chance of it. 

Like I said, I'm not a professional, but there is ample evidence that No Contact shows the best opportunity to relieve yourself of the cancer you so wish to remove.  Worked for me (and countless others).  Just a thought!
Best of Luck & Fortune to ALL

[Bumpsintheroad]

Far be it from me to write like a professional, spout like a counselor or offer advice like a Dr. Phil.  But when called to action, as in the case of the dearly known murderous, felon Jodi Arias, it's time to reflect on a few thoughts. 

In late 2012 I was in the throws of a preposterous separation/breakup and divorce with my lovely and talented wife of just 2+ years.  Short and sweet you say?  Not hardly.  Without a doubt the longest and most debilitating months of my 55 year history.  NEVER have I put myself in a situation that caused more torment and agony.  Nearly 20 years my younger, she (with children just slightly younger than mine) made it clear from the onset, that I was her shining, armored knight.  Nothing... .and I mean ZERO chance of her changing her mind.  WE WERE Destined. 

I could go into the whole ordeal and supply day to day, month to month and other long and pathetic details of who, what, how, when and where but it would just get long winded and obfuscate from my origional point. 

Last night I chose to end the night with a little TV viewing when along came the 1st of a 3 night special of the Travis Alexander murder special on TV.  It had been over 4 years since the trial, conviction and sentencing of our dear murderous, Ms. Arias. 

A few days before the trial began, I was forced into major surgery with an unusual medical procedure that required a couple weeks of serious couch/sofa time.  Rest, TV, Reading... .repeat.  But when that murder trial began I was struck by the unbelievable reality of RE-LIVING what I had recently been thru with my BPDxw.  I had been hoping to find the answers thru either therapy or friends of ours or even self help books and websites. 

NOPE. Not till I watched that sick, diabolical piece of dirt did I realize how lucky I was.  I lived each and every day the same extasty, torment,  mind numbing, torturous, exasperating moments as did her deceased boyfriend.  Yet, I survived.  At the very time the jury was deliberating the fate of the accused, I was contemplating what my next move was; as in the case of my own life, it being played out in real life... .with my real BPDwife. 

I CHOSE to completely walk away.  Better explained, I walked into the final divorce hearing and told the judge... .I'm done! No perjury charges.(on her part)... .No retaliation, no financial retributions (she had stolen tens of thousands of $$ from me and the Judge had ALL the records) no judgments, no alimony from her, no settlements period!  But on ONE CONDITION... .That she NEVER communicate with me again, in any WAY, SHAPE or FORM unless for purposes of completion of the divorce proceedings.  Here was a woman who was hell bent on calling and texting and emailing whenever she pleased to try and push/pull, gaslight, accuse, drunk dial, you name it!   All the typical BS of a pwBPD. 

Her reaction was horifiying!  She could walk away completely FREE.  All charges and fines dropped... .on one condition.  Just don't ever contact me.  But do you think she would take that deal in a heartbeat.  Nope!  At least till the judge explained the CONSEQUENCES of breaking the agreement, if accepted. Possible jail/prison time for Perjury, Check Fraud, Theft etc. 

Suffice to say, she took the deal and I haven't heard a peep from her in nearly 4 years.  Not a phone call, whimper, squeak, tweet, text.  But more importantly, I am able to post this on BPD for all to see and learn.  NO CONTACT.  NO CONTACT.  Unless absolutely needed for purposes of child rearing, NO CONTACT.  I believe in all honesty, if I hadn't been lucky enough to learn from the unfortunate murder of Mr. Travis Alexander, I may not be here to tell you the truth.  I'm NOT saying she WOULD have done the same to me.  But, that she COULD have done the same.  Best I remove any chance of it. 

Like I said, I'm not a professional, but there is ample evidence that No Contact shows the best opportunity to relieve yourself of the cancer you so wish to remove.  Worked for me (and countless others).  Just a thought!
Best of Luck & Fortune to ALL

[enlighten me]

No contact is a common topic here and can be very useful in the recovery process. It wasn't possible for me and many others here. It can also hold people back in some cases.

If you don't have to see your ex and don't run the risk of bumping into them then NC is great. it becomes more of a case of losing touch with an old acquaintance than going out of your way to avoid someone. Yes you may have to block numbers or block them on social media but there's not much more required than self control on your part not to contact them.

If you have kids together where no contact isn't possible then your encounters will be triggering at first but after a while its like going to the shops to buy bread. Nothing to worry about and nothing special about it. Just another day to day task.

If you live in the same area though and risk seeing them then you run the risk of being constantly on guard and worrying about seeing them. This is where NC can hold you back. As soon as you see them then all those feelings come rushing back and trigger you. In this case you need to wean yourself off of them. I don't mean by keeping in touch with them and reducing it in a physical way but in an emotional way. Don't let places you used to go together become no go areas instead go to them and replace the memories with new ones. Don't avoid mutual friends instead keep in touch but don't go over the past. Keep things moving forward. I'm not saying that if you bump into your ex it wont phase you but you will hopefully be more emotionally prepared for it.

[Bumpsintheroad]

Valid points E-me.  In my case I chose to reduce the chances of any sort of contact by.
1.  Eliminating ALL my social media accounts.
2.  Moving 500 miles.
3.  Changing my phone #
4.  Requesting my family to block her from their social media (no problems there)
5.  Identity protection on all financial accounts.
As we all know, one of the traits of a pwBPD is to ignore and obfuscate the legal system and its consequences.  But each Nail I put in her "contact coffin" made it easier on my peace of mind in order to move forward.  Not feasible for everyone, I know.  But the point is to be set up a defense system that shows them you mean business.  Force them to move to the next victim.  Or hopefully, get some serious
help.

[enlighten me]

It took a long time to come to terms with but eventually I realised that only you can make yourself feel a certain way. No one can make you happy if you choose not to let them and no one can make you sad if you choose not to let them. Every feeling we have is our choice in the end. The same with how we feel while interacting with our exs. If we let it affect us then it will. Once you understand this and have come to the final conclusion that you don't want them anymore then they can pretty much parade outside your house without it bothering you. This is something that NC cannot give you as it means you don't have to face it head on. On the other hand if like you you don't have to interact with them and you don't run the risk of bumping into them then what difference does facing that demon make? Not a lot. Eventually the memory of your ex will fade and with it the feelings.