Every problem in her life is my fault and there are violent rages.

[5min]

You made this statement in another post:

I allowed her to handle her own problems and to suffer the consequences of her own actions. The truly amazing thing about that was that it made things better between us rather than worse.

When I stopped being her doormat and showed her I was strong, it put us on an even plane. I was able to lead rather than follow when I needed to do so.

Can you elaborate on how to do that?

My situation is such that I have not been able to establish boundaries, every problem in her life is my fault, the rants go on for hours, and there a violent rages. I work at not JADE-ing and try to speak such as to empathize and confirm.

Thanks,

5min

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Meili]

Honestly what it boiled down to is deciding what I truly wanted and facing my fears.

The relationship was dead and was not going anywhere. I had to make a choice. The way that I looked at it, I ran the risk of fear and pain either way. One was guaranteed, the other had a chance of success. I decided that some chance was far better than no chance.

So, I learned all that I could about BPD and prepared myself for the impending Extinction Bursts. Knowing what I was dealing with and having some idea of what to expect made it far easier.

It didn't go smoothly. I struggled a lot. I started to look at which of the 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck were controlling my feelings and preventing me from fully detaching with love.

At the heart of all of it was my fear that I was not worthy and that I did not deserve to put myself first. That was a lesson that my FOO taught me. I struggled with that quite a bit.

But, as I said at the beginning, it really all came down to my deciding whether or not I believed that the relationship was worth the risk.

Does that help?

[Skip]

My situation is such that I have not been able to establish boundaries, every problem in her life is my fault, the rants go on for hours, and there a violent rages. I work at not JADE-ing and try to speak such as to empathize and confirm.

So, we use some of the terms you have hear differently than you are using them... .so you might be reading others advice different than intended. Not sure.

My situation is such that I have not been able to establish boundaries

The terminology of "setting boundaries" is misleading and often mistaken to mean "giving an ultimatum." It is true that issuing ultimatums can be part of this life skill and at times, very necessary, however it's only one aspect of this life skill. When we speak of the boundaries we are really speaking about our personal values and our need to get them in focus and live with more conviction. This is a lifestyle, not a quick fix to an interpersonal squabble. This is an important point that is often overlooked. Read this article... .it will really help explain this tool. https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

I try to speak such as to empathize

Empathizing is a listen skill. Often you just stop, sit, listen, don't JADE. Te video on this page is short and very helpful: https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

Here is a 3 minute video about the blow ups... .


Date: 2-2012Minutes: 3:35
Back From the Edge - Mini clip

[isilme]

5 min,

I allowed her to handle her own problems and to suffer the consequences of her own actions. The truly amazing thing about that was that it made things better between us rather than worse.

When I stopped being her doormat and showed her I was strong, it put us on an even plane. I was able to lead rather than follow when I needed to do so.

In my case, it took me being comfortable allowing H to fail at times, instead of swooping in to rescue him.  I still struggle with this, finding things he can be allowed to fail that won't adversely affect me.  Paying bills - I can't let that fail.  Personal projects that only reflect on him, not both of us, yes, I can let him fail. 

I had to let H fail out of school, be ridiculed by friends for not working while I was, and basically realize HE had to make some changes himself.  We hit a really rocky period right about 10 years ago where I was contemplating leaving and made steps to allow me to do so.  I bought my own car.  I tried to make it clear I was doing things with or without him, that I'd enjoy him joining me, but would (try to) not get super hung up on if he was going along or not.  When it became clear I could leave anytime, but only had stayed because I still chose to do so, he changed a bit.  It was still slow, and even today, I still face rages where his issues are all my fault, but I think it's a little easier to not take as much hurt from the accusations, and for us to move past the rage to actually working on an issue.