Hi Tiki,
I need to stop wanting to engage. If I feel like it's overpowering me. I need to figure out a way not to let it.
I don't know if this is the case for you, but when I was dealing with the aftermath of my BPD relationship, I had very strong impulses to want to get in contact with my BPD loved one. It helped me when I started to see that these impulses were/are an avoidance behavior.
I would compare it to being in withdrawal of a drug to which I was addicted. And those times that I did get back in touch with her, it was like I got another hit/dose (even if it was unsatisfactory). And then I would have to restart my withdrawal process all over.
Getting back in touch, re-engaging with my BPD loved one, was all an effort to avoid facing the personal pain I carried. Not just the pain of the break-up, ending/loss of the BPD relationship, but the pain of the stuff I didn't even begin to realize was there. And the truth was, all this pain, was a lot, and was overwhelming. And so it is now understandable that I would have these strong impulses, strong compulsion, to run away, or *avoid* this pain. The more I wanted to get in touch with my BPD loved one, the greater was the pain I was trying to avoid.
I'm at a stage of wanting to vent. But if I vent and things go circular it could go very bad.
Venting is a good kind of release. What do you mean "things go circular"?
For me, venting over the pain of the break-up and all the particulars (which were particularly painful for me), helped calm me a bit. But the pain I felt, compared to the amount of time I kept feeling it long after the break-up, never quite squared away. It was easier to relate to the pain of the break-up. It was much more difficult to look into what was underneath what turned out to be the tip of the iceberg.
So just how can I force myself not to engage. How can I realize healing doesn't come from without. It is only going to ever come from me.
Part of this wanting to engage energy could actually be experiencing some of symptoms of trauma. So I guess in a way that's probably truama management stuff.
I feel like i just answered part of my question which is that I need trauma counseling.
Trying to break a bad habit, isn't only about stopping the bad habit. It's easier if you can replace the bad habit with a good habit, especially if the good habit addresses exactly why you have the bad habit in the first place.
For me, to stop wanting to re-engage with my BPD loved one, I could either find another way to continue avoiding my pain. Or I could stop avoiding the pain. This is not the intuitive choice.
If putting your hand in the flames keeps hurting you, the pain of the burn should be motivation to stop you from wanting to burn yourself. However, if the pain from the burn is helping you avoid facing a bigger kind of pain... . Now, what kind of pain gets relief from a lesser kind of pain? If you're in a lot of pain because you broke your leg, you don't hit your head on the wall over and over to feel better. But if you're addicted to pain killlers, you do. Especially if that's the only way you can get your hands on your addiction.
I would compare this behavior to some of the self-destructive behaviors that people with BPD (pwBPD) exhibit (ie. cutting behaviors). I don't make this comparison lightly. But I do make it, because it helps me feel a lot more sympathetic to pwBPD.
Now in your case, you are considering the possibility that you need to recover from some trauma.
Would you consider if the trauma you are dealing with predates your more immediate experience with your BPD loved one? In which case, you may have been using your whole BPD relationship as a means of avoiding the trauma you had before?
Healing doesn't come from without, but within, yes. But there are many kinds of hurt that we experience from which we need help to heal. I would not try to tough it out and go it alone with trauma no more than I would with substance addiction.
Okay but I just need some tips for how not to engage and strategy and thoughts if any of you have ever been through this or even if you haven't but you just have thoughts.
Also when I say engage I mean texts basically.
When I was in your situation, waiting until I had the impulse to want to get in touch with my exBPD loved one was already too late. The trick was to manage myself and my feelings in such a way that the impulse got weaker and weaker until I no longer had that impulse.
I would compare this to allowing myself to get so hungry that I immediately turn to eating that comfort food that I'm trying to stop eating. The trick would be to anticipate my hunger so I would never get hungry enough to depend on my bad habit. This can be easy if you plan our your meals and eat consistently. It's not so easy if you've never planned out your meals or ate consistently all your life.
And from an emotional perspective, I never knew how to take care of myself. So I had to learn the basics.
You might look into trauma recovery. But do so with a solid routine of rituals/habits that you use to take care of yourself in all the ways you need. If you take on too much (pain for example) then it just makes it more appealing to find the easier release (i.e. re-engagement).
I hope some of this helps.
Best wishes,
Schwing
