Misdiagnosis & Misinterpretation—processing my SO's suicide.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello there,

I am here because I am trying to process my loved one's suicide in July of last year - six months ago.

I was really wrong; the mental health services were really wrong - I feel that had I have known he had Borderline Personality Disorder, his many suicide threats over many years, would have been interpreted differently. Instead, I focused solely on him having Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder and accepting in the end (after 15 years of believing his suicidal gestures were very real) that he was only trying to manipulate our son and I... .and this time I did not respond... .and he succeeded in killing himself.

It is so very, very hard to write this... .and I don't even know what to say about any of it - but know I do need to try and process it all in some way that allows me to accept what is, stop thinking about what I should have done differently and somehow heal.

There are so many things I am trying to understand; he compartmentalised in ways that shocked me and that we only found about after his death.

There has to be more help for people with Personality Disorders. It is such a torturous and complex trap for the sufferer... .I feel deep remorse and sadness for him and that I was not there for him when he most needed me. I also feel quite shell-shocked to now see that I have been in a relationship with someone who had no real conception of me or empathy for me... .for 15 years (on and off).

Honestly, I don't really know what to make of any of it. I know he had both OCPD, BPD and Dependent Personality Disorder - and, according to my counsellor - the first two are really, really difficult disorders which cause the sufferer incessant anguish.

So many people feel have expressed to me that they feel angry with him for doing this to us, but particularly to our son... .though, I don't feel angry at the moment... .I had a lot of anger and resentment towards him before he died because of the way he had treated our son and I, but somehow that all dissolved with his suicide... .because in some ways it showed me the depth of his pain and, in opposition to what everybody kept telling me, the degree of his suffering.

I don't know if he did this in any way to punish me for my abandonment of him... .in the distant past he had watched me unravel about his impending suicide, making recordings about how it was all my fault... .he seemed then to derive some gratification from seeing me concerned about him... .and he never, ever could have any understanding about how this affected me - he never apologised about the trauma of these incidents... .

Perhaps that is enough for now. I am glad to have found this site - and lament deeply that I did not diagnose his issues correctly, nor find this and other sites like this for BPD whilst he was alive. I maybe wrong, but I feel that perhaps had I have had known about BPD (and that suicidal gestures are very real symptom)... .well, we may have found ourselves trying to work things out in a more productive way. But then again, perhaps not - as he wouldn't ever get help when I pleaded with him.

Thanks for reading,

Rightandwrong

[Rightandwrong]

Hello there,

I am here because I am trying to process my loved one's suicide in July of last year - six months ago.

I was really wrong; the mental health services were really wrong - I feel that had I have known he had Borderline Personality Disorder, his many suicide threats over many years, would have been interpreted differently. Instead, I focused solely on him having Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder and accepting in the end (after 15 years of believing his suicidal gestures were very real) that he was only trying to manipulate our son and I... .and this time I did not respond... .and he succeeded in killing himself.

It is so very, very hard to write this... .and I don't even know what to say about any of it - but know I do need to try and process it all in some way that allows me to accept what is, stop thinking about what I should have done differently and somehow heal.

There are so many things I am trying to understand; he compartmentalised in ways that shocked me and that we only found about after his death.

There has to be more help for people with Personality Disorders. It is such a torturous and complex trap for the sufferer... .I feel deep remorse and sadness for him and that I was not there for him when he most needed me. I also feel quite shell-shocked to now see that I have been in a relationship with someone who had no real conception of me or empathy for me... .for 15 years (on and off).

Honestly, I don't really know what to make of any of it. I know he had both OCPD, BPD and Dependent Personality Disorder - and, according to my counsellor - the first two are really, really difficult disorders which cause the sufferer incessant anguish.

So many people feel have expressed to me that they feel angry with him for doing this to us, but particularly to our son... .though, I don't feel angry at the moment... .I had a lot of anger and resentment towards him before he died because of the way he had treated our son and I, but somehow that all dissolved with his suicide... .because in some ways it showed me the depth of his pain and, in opposition to what everybody kept telling me, the degree of his suffering.

I don't know if he did this in any way to punish me for my abandonment of him... .in the distant past he had watched me unravel about his impending suicide, making recordings about how it was all my fault... .he seemed then to derive some gratification from seeing me concerned about him... .and he never, ever could have any understanding about how this affected me - he never apologised about the trauma of these incidents... .

Perhaps that is enough for now. I am glad to have found this site - and lament deeply that I did not diagnose his issues correctly, nor find this and other sites like this for BPD whilst he was alive. I maybe wrong, but I feel that perhaps had I have had known about BPD (and that suicidal gestures are very real symptom)... .well, we may have found ourselves trying to work things out in a more productive way. But then again, perhaps not - as he wouldn't ever get help when I pleaded with him.

Thanks for reading,

Rightandwrong

[FindingMe2011]

I was really wrong; the mental health services were really wrong - I feel that had I have known he had Borderline Personality Disorder, his many suicide threats over many years, would have been interpreted differently. Instead, I focused solely on him having Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder and accepting in the end (after 15 years of believing his suicidal gestures were very real) that he was only trying to manipulate our son and I... .and this time I did not respond... .and he succeeded in killing himself.


WRONG ? NO sorry i cant buy this... .Many, after learning of BPD, believe they have the knowledge to combat it. Many therapists WONT work with BPD sufferers, so guilting yourself, is self defeating. Those who DONT seek help... .wont accept help... .and if the threat of suicide, gets results for BPD, guess what?

It is so very, very hard to write this... .and I don't even know what to say about any of it - but know I do need to try and process it all in some way that allows me to accept what is, stop thinking about what I should have done differently and somehow heal.

Keep writing... .it is therapy... .In the end you were no match for the illness, whether you knew or not, and it was him, that should have done something different... .But we all have the right to live as we choose

So many people feel have expressed to me that they feel angry with him for doing this to us, but particularly to our son... .though, I don't feel angry at the moment... .I had a lot of anger and resentment towards him before he died because of the way he had treated our son and I, but somehow that all dissolved with his suicide... .because in some ways it showed me the depth of his pain and, in opposition to what everybody kept telling me, the degree of his suffering.


His past treatment of your son and yourself, had a large part, on how the r/s proceeded... .Does he not take the responsibility for this? I hope you seek therapy, for the both of you... .There are many insightful people here. Im sorry for your loss, I wish u well, PEACE

[Mutt]

Hi Rightandwrong,

 

I’m sorry for your loss. How is your son taking it? Don’t be hard on yourself, we’re not doctors and we’re not qualified to diagnose someone with a mental illness. Many symptoms from other disorders and mental illnesses overlap BPD it’s difficult for professionals to detect.

I’d like to echo FindingMe2011, are you seeing a T? I’m glad that you decided to join us many of our members can relate with you and iffer you guidance and support. Maybe you could volunteer your time towards something to do with BPD it can give you some meaning behind a loved one with BPD.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Right&wrong, Welcome!  I'm so sorry to hear about your terrible loss.  BPD is an extremely complex disorder and, as Mutt notes, we Nons are untrained in this department.  Even professionals have difficulty treating those w/BPD so please don't blame yourself.  Writing about BPD can be quite therapeutic and we are here for you when you are ready to share more.

LuckyJim

[Rightandwrong]

Thank you, FindingMe2011 - yes, he is responsible for his part in the way the relationship proceeded (or devolved) and it is good to be reminded that many therapists won't work with people with BPD... .this is quite unfair, though... .and it seems that we need alternate treatment places for those with Personality Disorders.

Yes, he had the right to live as he wished or die as he wished and I cannot hold that against him.

Thank you for responding, Mutt - Yes, my son is in weekly therapy at the moment with a very good therapist who understands attachment issues, personality disorders and trauma. Hallelujah for her presence in our lives! I am not going to therapy myself at the moment as I can't afford it (but went for six sessions in the immediate aftermath)... .with a Therapist who I saw fortnightly for years whilst we lived together and intend to go back to her when our son no longer needs such intensive therapy.

My son, for all I can see, is coping incredibly well. I am so proud of him. It was he who dealt  with his father's suicidality, repetitive thought cycles and constant harrassment for the last two years, mainly (unless I stepped in to take the heat, which I did on a number of occasions until I became afraid or resigned)... .I cannot believe that just six months later, our son is already saying he doesn't blame himself any more and knows that if he hadn't answered his dad's call the next day, or the next day, the same thing would have happened eventually. I think people can sometimes take thirty or forty years to come to this realisation... .so that he has been able to see this so soon is so incredible and testament to his therapist and his innate sensibility.

It was particularly difficult because his dad basically said "I am going to do this (kill myself) if you don't respond to me... .but our son was ASLEEP because he was EXHAUSTED from the crazy-making harrassment... .and so his dad left him an explicit (but very erroneous) message that it would be our son's fault... .so that our son sees beyond this - is wow, wow, something to be incredibly grateful for. My son said it was the boy who cried wolf and in many ways, the unhealthy strategies that my SO used to employ (intimidating, making underhanded threats, manipulating through suicidal gestures) over the last 15 years backfired cruelly on us all in the end.

I have so much to be grateful for. I will definitely keep writing and believe it is therapeutic. It's weird, this aversion to expressing it all - I think of myself as a writer - someone who wrote constantly to help me wade through the molasses of our relationship when we lived together - and yet this all feels too big, too ungainly and too messy for my brain to really grapple with at the moment. I have bought lovely notebooks to write to my SO, to write for myself - and yet, I haven't wanted to begin for some reason.

I think some of my aversion to it - is a feeling that I have spent soo much time on HIS issues - and that most of it has been futile and misguided and so i kinda want to move on and NOT spend all my time focussing on the "___ that was", hehhehehe. I want to live and love, not "marinade" in the problems of the past, but I also want to process it properly.

Thank you, too, LuckyJim. Yes, I really would like to help in some way with BPD - though I am hesitant at this point because I know I have played my own codependent part in this relationship and don't want to perpetuate more codependency or drama until I know I am healthy.

[heartandwhole]

Hi RightandWrong,

My heartfelt condolences to you. What a difficult event to live through. I'm very sorry for your loss.

You've found a great community to support you as you process this loss and the circumstances around it. I'm so glad to hear that your son is doing well. I'm sure that will help your recovery, too.

BPD can be a difficult and serious disorder. I know firsthand how much some people with BPD's behavior can hurt their loved ones—I was devastated by the back and forth emotions and trauma bonding—and yet, as you say, most people with BPD are in so much pain themselves. It's heartbreaking.

It sounds like you are a very compassionate person. Have you been extending that compassion to yourself these days as well? I think that is so important. I don't know if you've heard of Kristin Neff, PhD, but she has done some interesting research on self-compassion.

You might also like to check out this article about recovering after a suicide loss. I like it because it doesn't cater to the idea that you'll "get over" the loss. But you can recover the normality of your life and learn to live with the loss, if that makes sense:

Recovering from Suicide Loss

You say writing is therapeutic. I think many of us feel the same about that. And I know that when I'm stressed/depressed, I don't write.

What else do you do to nurture yourself, RightandWrong? I practice yoga and spend time in nature.

Do you have supportive friends and family around you?

Keep posting. We're here to support you. 

heartandwhole

 

[Rightandwrong]

Thank you so much, Heartandwhole.

Definitely. It is absolutely heartbreaking, this BPD thing.

I can't really find a grand narrative to help explain why my EX-SO had such a hard and painful life - the most fitting song lyrics that always resonate with me are from Lana Del Rey... .

Sometimes love is not enough
and the road gets tough
I don't know why

We were definitely bonded in a traumatic way; His threats of suicide were there over the last ten years and unfortunately, in 2008 he admitted that he had used this as a means to manipulate me... .but the BPD diagnosis never came - when in hindsight, it probably should have... .Sadly, I did look into this about four years ago but moved on to OCPD, being busy with work and the continual atmosphere of crisis and hate that we lived in made it difficult to really think clearly.

Because I had always believed in him, in his threats of suicide (only recently was I telling social workers and MH workers that I believed him with all my heart; that whilst they kept telling me to disengage with him - I felt it was a very real threat that he would kill himself - and I did not want my son's father to die like this - it always, always felt very, very real to me... .and because I always ran to "rescue" him - sat with him for days, dropped my studies, my child, my plans to "help" him (codependent much?) - and the last time I didn't - it is hard to untangle the feeling that I had "helped" him in the past, and this last time when I turned my back on him - as was suggested by so many professionals... .he did kill himself... .so whilst at a theoretical level I can say, "This was his choice" - I have many years of experiences that "taught" me that I was indeed responsible for his wellbeing... .So it is a long and traumatic journey, the two of us... .

Thank you for the survivors of suicide document link - I will read this. I also watched "The Kingdom of Us" which is an excellent documentary about children and their father's suicide.

I will also look into Self Compassion. I am finding the short articles, reading others' posts and the insight on this forum exceptionally helpful. I have spent at least the last five years reading about OCPD in great detail... .though just in the last few days, I have found so many incredible concepts (triangulation, external referencing, unlearning codependency, boundaries etc.) here and I am very glad to have found this.

Since my EX SO's suicide, I have cut out a lot of the "white noise" in my life - as a defining moment it has helped me to reevaluate what is and what is not important and how my pleasing (adult child of alcoholic) and codependent ways have stopped me thus far from living an authentic life in many ways. i feel a great degree of pain about this, actually. Like a deep sense of loss - about all the years I have lived in an anxious or out-of-body kind of state - I don't know, it's hard to explain... .

I do feel deep grief for my EX - I don't hold anything against him at this point - he had such a traumatic and awful life, he was so incredilbly afflicted... .I can somehow deal with the fact that he ended his life... .because it ended his pain... .but I can't really grapple with they reasons why he had such a difficult life... .and that I wasn't able to really ever hear, properly, the degree of that pain in honest and forthright expression... .pains me.

I almost feel more grief for the life he lived. Because it was hard for him. No doubt he made our lives very hard, that's for sure... .but he suffered 24/7 I think.

I turned my back on him - and for that I am so very sorry. I was pressured by many people, over many years, to turn away, that it would "help" him heal, take responsibility... .and I am so sad that this is not the reality. It killed him. Yes, he killed himself... .

I know it is probably a sign of my enmeshment, my own illness and unhealthy ways... .but I truly feel that I abandoned my humanity in the final months of his life... .because police and professionals kept telling me it was because of me, that I couldn't keep engaging, etc... .and because I was AFRAID of him for so long, AFRAID of what he would do to my son, and to me... .and I needed the police to protect us... .and if I engaged, they wouldn't... .it was really awful now that I think of it... .a really horrible bind to be in... .I knew he would do this, I always believed he would - until I listened to "the professionals" - and accepted their version - that it was all a front, a rouse to manipulate... .and then he bloody did it!

AGH! What a tangled web we weave.

Self care and self soothing are my primary goals at this point. I dance and do yoga and I love going into nature, too. I love walking and have a beautiful dog. I listen to music and read (Infinite Jest is what I am reading now and that is incredibly soothing) as a means of making myself a priority.

Thank you so much for your kind response. I find myself very sad and the tears do flow as I write and this is probably a good thing.

   

Lots to mourn, lots to love.