I want a GREAT life for my kids

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone

This is hard for me to write as I have not actually addressed this properly with my Mum but I need some guidance and cannot afford professional help at the moment.

My mum meets every criteria for BPD but is diagnosed with every other mood disorder that exists and would be completely enraged if I ever told her I believe she has BPD. She is very smart and has good insight at times so she simply tells medical professionals what they want to hear and if they want to move beyond her victim status she ceases contact immediately.

I have come to terms with much of my past and after my first child was born her behaviour improved hugely. However she has now moved onto the same street as us and is in a constant state of distress and drama. I am deeply worried that her behaviour will affect my kids, I don't want them to feel scared or confused by her emotional outbursts. They usually sadness or irrational anxiety and my eldest gets quite worried about her. If I challenge her in any way she has had episodes of rage which she usually keeps hidden now that I have a family of my own. My husband witnessed one episode that went on for days and he was absolutely speechless that she barraged me at all times of the day and night with hysterical phone calls and texts because I simply asked her not to cry in front of the kids.

I have also been forced to face one issue in particular from my childhood where she allowed her boyfriend to continue living with us after I told her he sexually abused me at age 11. It is something I had pushed deep down as it is really not congruent with the rest of her behaviour which has been unstable and emotionally abusive but never outright cruel or intentionally harmful. Now that my kids are getting older as a mother I just simply cannot wrap my head around how a woman who loved her child could sleep at night knowing this? He ended up leaving her! My husband wants me to talk to her about it but as you would all know it would cause an all out war and even if she says sorry that doesn't really make any difference now... .

My kids love her and I want a different family narrative for them where they are surrounded by happiness and love. I hated growing up hearing about my mother's abusive family and their many issues and longed for a normal family.

I don't know if I should just put it all behind me and instill boundaries for the sake of my kids or somehow face all of this and possibly cause a great deal of drama that will be impossible to hide from them.

Please help

[soconfused88]

Hi everyone

This is hard for me to write as I have not actually addressed this properly with my Mum but I need some guidance and cannot afford professional help at the moment.

My mum meets every criteria for BPD but is diagnosed with every other mood disorder that exists and would be completely enraged if I ever told her I believe she has BPD. She is very smart and has good insight at times so she simply tells medical professionals what they want to hear and if they want to move beyond her victim status she ceases contact immediately.

I have come to terms with much of my past and after my first child was born her behaviour improved hugely. However she has now moved onto the same street as us and is in a constant state of distress and drama. I am deeply worried that her behaviour will affect my kids, I don't want them to feel scared or confused by her emotional outbursts. They usually sadness or irrational anxiety and my eldest gets quite worried about her. If I challenge her in any way she has had episodes of rage which she usually keeps hidden now that I have a family of my own. My husband witnessed one episode that went on for days and he was absolutely speechless that she barraged me at all times of the day and night with hysterical phone calls and texts because I simply asked her not to cry in front of the kids.

I have also been forced to face one issue in particular from my childhood where she allowed her boyfriend to continue living with us after I told her he sexually abused me at age 11. It is something I had pushed deep down as it is really not congruent with the rest of her behaviour which has been unstable and emotionally abusive but never outright cruel or intentionally harmful. Now that my kids are getting older as a mother I just simply cannot wrap my head around how a woman who loved her child could sleep at night knowing this? He ended up leaving her! My husband wants me to talk to her about it but as you would all know it would cause an all out war and even if she says sorry that doesn't really make any difference now... .

My kids love her and I want a different family narrative for them where they are surrounded by happiness and love. I hated growing up hearing about my mother's abusive family and their many issues and longed for a normal family.

I don't know if I should just put it all behind me and instill boundaries for the sake of my kids or somehow face all of this and possibly cause a great deal of drama that will be impossible to hide from them.

Please help

[Woolspinner2000]

A big welcome Soconfused88! 

Thank you for sharing your first post with us. Please know you are not alone in your struggles with your mom or many of the issues you went through as a child and now as an adult.  We are right there with you, each of us with our own story but all so eerily similar. You'll find listening ears and caring hearts here. It is a safe place to be anonymous and share.

I am sorry for the pain you have held inside all these years.

I have also been forced to face one issue in particular from my childhood where she allowed her boyfriend to continue living with us after I told her he sexually abused me at age 11. 

I think it takes a lot of courage to begin to take a look at these things, and I'm so very sorry that you had this experience as well as no acknowledgement from your uBPDm. How often I wished that my uBPD mom would've shown remorse for something she did, but sadly a pwBPD rarely admits such things because it opens to door to rejection (which they are extremely vulnerable to).
Hopefully some other members will be able to offer their thoughts as well.

Are you able to put your finger on what you would like to hear from your mom? What is it that you need to hear? I remember the day my T asked me this when I was planning on going to visit my dad who was dying from cancer. That question can be a tough one to ask yourself. It made me cry to think about what my injured Little Wools needed to hear.

Looking forward to hearing more from you!

 
Wools

[soconfused88]

Thank you so much for your reply Wools

To be honest there is not really anything I want to hear as I have heard every apology and promise in the book. What I want is for her to be stable, a safe nurturing influence for my kids and to have a light, happy family environment that isn't constantly being dominated by her emotional emergency of the day.

That isn't going to happen so realistically what I want is for her to hold her ___ together around my kids. I want for them to feel safe around her as a trusted adult and to never ever feel that they need to be responsible for her happiness.

I would also like some kind of explanation for the sexual abuse situation but sadly I already know why it happened. She didn't want to be alone and her desire to feel good over rode my need to be safe.

Thank you for taking the time to respond typing all of that does give me a little clarity.

I am sorry to hear about your dad, you sound like you have done a lot of work on yourself and I hope that is helping you heal

[madeline7]

I too wanted a great life for my kids. They are young adults now and I do believe it was achieved, but they did see the dysfunction in the family and the irrational behavior of their grandmother, especially the older child. However, things changed, mostly with me, when the pwBPD moved near me recently. Is the situation different for you now that your Mom lives so close by? For me, the geographical proximity was a game changer. It forced me to confront many things I had been working so hard to keep in the denial mode. I also felt that I needed to model healthy behavior for my kids, even though they are young adults now. To my surprise, they are very insightful, and while they love their grandmother, they are protective of me and support my decision to set limits which is resulting in NC. I would prefer LC but at this moment in time, it is just not possible. I have learned that sadly, there will not be change in her, she was not the nurturing Mom I so desperately wanted, but I was able to learn what not to do. You sound like you have much strength and perspective, and will continue to give your kids the love and support they need, and you will give your kids that great life.

[Ellemno]

... .but sadly I already know why it happened. She didn't want to be alone and her desire to feel good over rode my need to be safe.

THIS. I soo resonated with this so much. I hope you get to/got to mourn the loss of the mom you hoped you'd have.

[strength_love]

This sounds so much like my mother, it's uncanny. My mother caught my stepfather sexually abusing me when I was 11 and did nothing, allowing me to continue to be abused by him until I left home at 16. My mother and I argued about it for decades, and she refused to show any remorse or concern for me or even acknowledge what she had done was wrong. She acted as though the abuse wasn't serious. When I would point out that his behavior was criminal and he could go to jail for it, she would threaten me that if I ever pressed charges or 'made waves' about it I would never see or hear from her again.

For years I kept quiet about it until some years back I finally did press charges. He did go to jail. She stayed true to her word - I never have seen or heard from her again. He is out of jail now, and they are still together.

I believe she has given me the gift of her absence from my life. Yes, I grieve and mourn for the losses I have experienced, and for the loss of my mother who I loved so much. I know that when she does die, I will go through another period of grief and mourning. That's something people from 'normal' homes often have difficulty understanding - our parents are still our parents even when they are abusive. We still love them.

Over the years I've been working on recovering from that madhouse of abuse. What stands out to me the most about it is I didn't realize how much she was affecting my life until she was out of it for good. It has taken me years to come to terms with just how bad it was and start to rebuild my life. I regret not cutting her out of my life earlier and doing all that healing work earlier.

I really believe that what a mother would do to us, she would do to our children. They are not safe with such grandmothers. We are clearly not safe with such mothers. I can't claim to tell you what's best for you, but I will say that life is too short to spend it with people who diminish and harm us. And I can say that there IS life after loss of a beloved but harmful mother. The grief is unimaginable, but survivable. If you decide to go the route of no-contact, "it gets better".