It happened again

[Summer67]

Dear all,

after a violent break-up early December, my BPD bf contacted me in the last days of 2017, crying on the phone, because his old dog was very ill. Of course my heart melted. We were in touch during the days after, and I cried with him on the phone when he finally let me know that they had had to put the dog to sleep.
In the beginning of January, we gradually began to see each other again. I did not let him come to my house anymore - because I remembered the way he had broken everything in my apartment, during the last break up outburst. Instead I went over to his place where we made dinner, watched television, and slept peacefully together. I felt like I had regained some control, and it felt good.

However, there were many other problems in his life, especially enormous debts, with his landlord and car insurance. Last week he received a call that he was about to be evicted from his home. He acted quickly, charmed the hell out of all authorities, and managed to stay safe. However, the authorities required him to declare bankruptcy.

During all the trouble, I was by his side, helping him to organise his administration, trying to keep things calm and positive. And then last night happened. Luckily I was in my own house, and he was in his. He called me on the phone, quite drunk, and in an amazing reversal of logic, I am now the main person responsible for his bankruptcy. He was furious with me, as I have apparently talked him into it.

I am flabbergasted. It happened again. I really tried to help, sooth him, hold him, point towards a good future we might have. But at this point, I realise it will be dangerous. Now that he has managed to blame me for his misfortune, this will come up again in every alcohol rage.
I'll have to let go again, and be strong.
Do you recognise this? Thank you for reading anyway.
love, Summer

[babyducks]

Sure Summer67,  I recognize this.   I've been were you are.

People who suffer with this disorder have harmfully intense emotions.    The emotions are so intense and hard to tolerate they have to get rid of them.   They cast them away.   They 'project' them onto the people closest to them.  Does that makes sense?    Just like a movie theater projector.  and  by the time the image hits the screen it's huge.

your BF felt bad about the debts and the bankruptcy.  which is normal.    anyone would.    his maladpative coping traits causes his to get rid of his negative emotions by casting them away.   towards you.

He very likely does it with his positive emotions too.   when he feels good about something that's hard to contain and endure too so he casts it out, away from him, towards someone else,  towards you.   then he probably sees you as the best thing in the world.    the greatest thing that ever happened to you.

People with BPD have harmfully intense emotions that switch rapidly.

Here is something for you to think about.   When pwBPD project their emotions away from themselves, we the other party in the relationship tend to feel responsible for those emotions.   For fixing them,   soothing them,   helping them.    It seems maybe you felt a little bit this way too.

I really tried to help, sooth him, hold him, point towards a good future we might have.

I tried to help and soothe too.    at one point years ago I felt pretty good about being able to calm my pwBPD.    right up until I couldn't.    and then I started to learn that I wasn't responsible for my partners emotions.

your situation was about debts and bankruptcy... .it could happen again about the next emotionally stressful situation.     what I would suggest is that you take a step back  ( step two on the side bar on the right hand side of the page)    take a step back and work on disengaging from his intense emotions.     there are ways to do that.     we can help.

what do you think?   anything resonant for you ?

'ducks

[Summer67]

Dear ducks,
thank you for reaching out, and sharing your thoughts. Yes I understand what you are saying, and you are right in your analysis - that he is projecting the negative emotions onto me. And taking a step back may indeed be the wisest and safest thing to do. I actually was already doing that, when the sad situation with his dog came up and we reconnected.

The thing is, being able to analyse what is happening does not immediately take away the shock and the pain of having these negative emotions and hateful remarks thrown my way. I am still shaking, on the inside. And I don't think that I will ever be able to cope with it.

I've been reading a lot about BPD in the last month, and there are so many issues that I can relate to. I had started to feel depressed, lost, isolated, confused, torn apart, frightened, embarrassed etc. It is a bit of a relief to learn that this happens more often to partners of pwBPD.

My BPDbf and I don't have children together, we don't live together, and although we have know each other for 30 years, we have only been involved romantically now for 1.5 years. Stepping back is probably easier for me than it may be for people who have been married for a long time, and have build up a whole life together. I should be able to do it. Just by not picking up the phone. But I know that will infuriate him again, and hateful apps will follow... .
best wishes, Summer

[babyducks]

Hi Summer67,

You are absolutely correct.   Being able to analyze what is driving the behavior doesn't really take away the shock and pain of hearing harsh words.

It takes a lot of internal emotional strength of our own to not be damaged by the conflict in these relationships.     

Stepping back is probably easier for me than it may be for people who have been married for a long time, and have build up a whole life together. I should be able to do it. Just by not picking up the phone. But I know that will infuriate him again, and hateful apps will follow... .

When I was very first here I was given very good advice from a senior member.    He told me not to add any more volatility to an already volatile situation.   

this is right out of step two on the right hand side of the page:

So, this is a bit of a delicate thing. The objective is not to move out and live on a mountain - it is simply to let go of the drama and the battle of who is right/wrong. Let go of the hurt feelings or the resentment just enough to take yourself out of the day to day drama - long enough for you to see things more clearly.

Not adding drama, not adding volatility means establishing a boundary.    and holding it.    it would be perfectly reasonable to say "bf,  my feelings were hurt by some of the recent messages.    I am going to [fill in the blank]."    fill in the blank can be anything that works for you.  it could be turn off the cell phone until tomorrow.   go to the gym for the afternoon.    go out to lunch with some friends.    you get the idea.

it's giving you the time to let go of the hurt feelings.   it's giving you time to think about the best way to break the cycle of conflict.     

it doesn't mean that you are going to continue the relationship and it doesn't mean you are going to end it.

it means you aren't contributing to the drama by playing the game using dysfunctional rules.

I know it hurts.   I know hearing words like those stings like a #$%.   you have every reason, and every right to feel upset and confused and torn apart.   what I am suggesting is that you step back from those feelings.    to step back from your feelings.    allow yourself time to process those feelings. and not react to the intensity of the moment.    reacting to the intensity of the moment continues the cycle of conflict.   

what do you think?

'ducks

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Summer,
It sounds like you've got a good idea of what you'd be in for should you continue this relationship. It's so painful to be treated so unkindly by people we care about, particularly when your intent was to help them.

Due to the shame and self-loathing that pwBPD have, our attempts to help can really backfire. They can believe that we think we're better than them or that we see all their faults and hate them as much as they hate themselves. It's a no-win situation lots of times. Instead of thanks for the help, we get anger.

It isn't easy when you care about someone.

Cat

[Summer67]

Dear all,

@ducks and @Cat: thank you so much for your replies, its such a warm comforting feeling that someone, somewhere far away cares to help analysing what is going on and where this may lead me.
(One silly question: as I am not a native speaker, I think that the word 'volatile' is a bit elusive to me, I'm not really sure that I know what it refers to.)

Last time that my bf and I spoke, we agreed not to contact each other until Monday night. which is tonight. In the meantime I've tried to be as calm as possible. Spend time with my parents this weekend, walked with the dog. Indeed, trying to let go of hurt feelings. And I know this is the path to continue.

When (if... .) I talk to him tonight, I will in the most neutral way possible suggest to prolong the no-contact period for some more days. Telling him that my feelings were hurt, though, is not an option. As Cat mentioned as well, this will make him feel ashamed, which will immediately be translated towards anger again. I can just predict the way he will start to point out all the ways in which I hurt his feelings, the mistakes I've made, and how quickly he will hang up on me again.

I think for now, I really need to focus on myself, and feeling better myself, cause I'm really on the verge of a burn-out. Haven't cried this much in years... .

love, Summer

[babyducks]

Hi Summer67,

I would have never guess that this isn't your first language.    Volatile means liable to change rapidly and unpredictably, especially for the worse.

'ducks