Concerned about Children

[DaveS1]

I'm from the UK.

I recently left my BPD wife. We have a 5 year old boy. I see him 2 days a week.

He is being abused by his mother.
When he is with me he begs to stay and insists that he doesn't want to live with his mother at all...
His School was in touch with me saying that he cries when he needs to go home to him mum... .

Is this a matter that Social Services can deal with it does it need to go through the Court ? 

 

[Turkish]

I'm in the USA, but this sounds concerning. I would think immediate action like social services. Are the school staff mandatory reporters? I would think it would have to be specific for them to report. What is the nature of the abuse that S5 has shared with you? Child Protective Services where I am has an anonymous hotline.  If you have something like that it might be good to call. 

I'm not a lawyer, but I'm saying this based upon my experience,  that you might not want to get SS involved unless you know exactly what's going on,  if it violates the law.

Emotional abuse, sadly, is hard to prove or take action upon. If that is what it is,  then we can help support you support your son. 

T

[DaveS1]

It's mostly emotional abuse. Social Services will struggle with this?

I left the marriage 3 months ago.
When I was in the marriage I took full responsibility for all household duties... she could never cope with anything. The house with her on her own is definitely turmoil.

My feeling is that she might give him up herself. I think she releases that she can't manage with him and will give up. She likes him but never really wanted to have kids.

I'm intentionally not showing her that I am willing to step in and take him as this will fuel her to pick up a fight.

Does anyone have experience and know of a BPD mother giving up a child on her own.
 
Does this makes sense? I it worth continuing with this approach keeping quiet for another few months?

[sweetheart]

Hi I'm in the UK, and yes Children's Services would most definitely pick up emotional abuse, especially if the school are reporting to you that your son isn't happy.

In my opinion if you know your son's emotional well-being is suffering, what would being quiet for another few months achieve?

If you know he is suffering, and know that your ex is not coping, would offering to increase your contact with your son be something you could practically offer?
It sounds like she too is perhaps struggling with having to now be the primary parent when whilst you were there she would have had support from you.

 It's also worth saying that if your son's emotional distress continues at school, or escalates they are duty bound to raise a Safeguarding alert with Children's Services.

This is not a situation I would leave continue.

[livednlearned]

Is this a matter that Social Services can deal with it does it need to go through the Court ?  

Hi DaveS1,

Have you been in contact with a family law solicitor? It's good to know how things work where you live, especially when it involves your child.

Did the school contact you by phone, or did they email you? If by phone, I wonder if they would agree to put their concerns in an email so you have a paper trail.

I'm not sure how things work where you live (I'm in the US), but in general, having third-party professionals involved can shine light on the situation, which is usually advantageous if the BPD behaviors are relatively covert.

I'm intentionally not showing her that I am willing to step in and take him as this will fuel her to pick up a fight.

I understand your thinking here. She will likely want you to feel as miserable as she feels, and could use fighting for your son to make you miserable.

You may be able to leverage the school's concern, and funnel things to child services without it appearing to involve you. In my case, when third-party professionals became involved, my ex channeled a surprising amount of fury their way. Others began to experience what I had alone been dealing with.

Does anyone have experience and know of a BPD mother giving up a child on her own.

There is such a range of behaviors with BPD sufferers, it would help to know a bit more about what your wife is like, if you feel comfortable sharing. In general, I would suspect your wife will fight if only because fighting at least feels like something. Also, to lose would mean that she is the bad parent others say she is, and that may be so contrarian to her survival instincts that even if she does not want her son, she cannot appear to be giving him up lightly.

The more typical scenario might be a BPD parent who fights for custody while seeming to sabotage themselves in the process.

[enlighten me]

Hi Dave

I'm also from the UK and my sons live with me. They are older so their feelings where taken into consideration.

What you can do even if a court order is in place is refuse to return him. Contact her and explain your concerns and that your son doesn't want to return to her (do this by email so you get a written response). If she puts up a fight then tell her you will be informing social services and until they have carried out an investigation then you will not be returning him.

If there is a court order in place she may contact the police but they will not do anything and will tell her to take it back to court.

This may be enough for her to change residence in your favour.

With the schools concerns and your sons behaviour then a court may find in your favour if you decide to go to court over it.